Little timelapse! I guess this is part of Smaugust now haha

Hey it’s the dragon from Super Mario Bros Wonder 😀

Yeah I did this last year ;P

Yes I am spacing it out so that I can do things at my slow pace and not be stressed out!

Leonie Rambles about…

• Feeling behind in life? I made this for you (struthless)
• Insect Apocalypse – Silent Extinction (Kyle Hill)
  • saddening when insects are needed
• This is NOT a Tesseract (Kyle Hill)
  • nothing new for me since I studied recreational mathematics before
  • how it hurts my brain struggling to imagine 4D
  • ah the limitations of how our eyes work
• The Idea of You: An Impassioned Defence (Broey Deschanel)
  • I didn’t know this movie was a thing, video with food for thought
• The Woman Who Made Anime Characters Feel Human (The Anime Tea)
• Megan Thee Stallion – Mamushi (feat. Yuki Chiba) [Official Video]
• The Rules Of Comedy: What Can’t Comedians Say? (James Woodall)
  • essentially who is the butt of the “joke”
• Queerbait and Doctor Who: Trial of a Time Lady (James Woodall)
• Baby teeth song
• Life hard? Have you tried being pretty? (David Achu)
  • pretty and ugly privileges and insecurities
  • I have average middle ground privilege???
  • there is definitely bias, judgement, impressions, assumptions based on whether (and how) you put effort into your appearance and presentation
  • we all have (including me) have personal biases to be mindful of
• you know social media is public, right? (David Achu)
• I’m Losing My Art Job to AI…What I’m Doing About it (holly exley)
  • really aptly said about the many negative, horrible things with genAI right now
  • through storytelling and humanity – we’d somehow survive? :’D
• Is Google Training AI on YouTube Videos? (Hank Green / Vlogbrothers)
• chappell roan keeps doubling down: “you creep me out” (D’Angelo)
  • it’s definitely creepy with the stalking, harassment/touching, not taking no as an answer, sexism and entitlement
  • again with my art, videos and blog posts, you’re not entitled to my attention, response, personal space, time, access either
  • and I’m not entitled to your attention, etc ;P
  • explicit consent is important and people can change their mind at any time!
    • as much as it hurts feelings, we got to respect it and move on if people aren’t really comfortable nor feeling the same
  • respecting personal boundaries – shouldn’t be questioned and it’s not up for debate
  • don’t get parasocial relationships out of hand and put people on a pedestal and project your expectations/needs on them when they have their private time and are human beings
  • don’t be weird; we all need safety, security and privacy
• Game Science – edit: it seems like IGN/screenrant can’t fully be trusted and mistranslated the cofounder’s crude idioms but I don’t know if the alleged CEO firing 11 women/feminists story is true or not and the alleged quotes about how it’s not a game for femmes
  • the lewd comments were actually double meaning/idioms meaning he’s just exhausted from too much flattering/bootlicking from job hunters instead of anything sexually explicit
  • Journey to the West was one of my favourite childhood stories/folklore too and the game is apparently good? I don’t know yet :S
  • is this more focused on a more edgy Monkey? Not sure
  • people just want to enjoy the game, ignore politics and diversity with the game itself? Fair
  • I’m more concerned about some of the devs/the cofounder though…I won’t know what’s true so I’ll stay neutral
    • the game is doing really well and I have no emotional energy to bring up the alleged concerning negative stuff with the company itself…
    • people are dismissing IGN and screenrant(?)’s articles so I hope the articles are wrong and there isn’t any misogyny and sexism within the company :’)
  • I’ve seen people dismissing boycotts (they don’t work because most people will play and enjoy what they want to play regardless) with Stellar Blade, Palworld and Hogwarts Legacy, etc
    • for me if people want to enjoy the game and don’t care for or are ignorant about everything else, then do so
    • it’s not my business what other people play or do
    • just don’t be a jerk and be defensive and argumentative about other people’s choices in turn too (all parties seem to be dismissing each other and assuming the worst)
    • though what do I know :’)
  • I feel horrible because people are really happy, enjoying and celebrating it while I feel conflicted/unsure…because the game itself seems good(?) and touching on one of my favourite stories
  • I am interested in watching this game eventually to get nostalgic and get an idea of how they reimagined the Journey to the West story but won’t play it myself anyway
• Alien: MONDAY (anime, horror) (OtaKing Animation)
• Sonic the Hedgehog 3 trailer
  • wow they really hammed it up further huh; especially with Agent Stone and the Doctor
  • I didn’t expect him to be back; I thought he’s done with the movies but apparently he said good/fun roles are his “no sequels” exception
  • the edgy, serious Shadow story…with Maria, uh oh
• Hanggai – Hanggai Big Brass Band (2019) – Louie Zong shared this

Social Anxiety Horror (Super Eyepatch Wolf)

• that was an absolutely terrifying, haunting, uneasy, uncomfortable, existential watch
  • I watched this during early August but I needed to space out all these mini essays I write haha
  • it really puts things in context (as an autisic peep)
• we all and I do relate to a lot of these anxieties…being perceived, humiliation and paranoia
  • and I struggle with societal pressures, social conformity and how I should mask around people I don’t know in public too
  • the whole “please don’t pay attention to me or judge/look at me” and also “please don’t forget I exist”
  • gosh the contradictory human feelings :’)
  • gosh I hate/fear being scapegoated/gaslit/framed/accused for something I didn’t do
    • I’ve experienced it times before and it makes me hurt, sad, alone, frustrated and angry
    • it’s me struggling with being misunderstood as much as I try to mitigate it best I can
  • or if no one believed my words and not being taken seriously when something horrible happens to me…
  • or whatever I do is never good enough, get put down and it’s always someone else I would be compared to who is doing better in their life…
• gosh a lot of neurodivergent peeps like us relate to figuring out what these social contracts are!!
  • Indeed the battle between personal vs social acceptance/seeking validation
• CW: inappropriate sexual conversations with minors (I probably mentioned this story before)
  • video reminded me of this supposed university researcher was apparently doing some questionnaire asking me my age (I was a young minor) and then asking about my sexual history with some uncomfortable, inappropriate questions?? Looking back…huh this is inappropriate? I don’t know if they’re legit??
  • After some minutes, my mum took the phone away and scolded the man, not really knowing what he was saying (her intuition I guess)
  • then after questioning me, she angrily scolded at me until I cried as I was naive, oblivious and confused :/
  • since then I don’t want to bother taking calls, especially from numbers I don’t know
  • I am also not keen on doing voice mail because I don’t know what’s going be on there; I’m traumatised and have trust issues to this day I guess :’)
• I don’t like surprise parties either
  • agreed that the secrecy and being ignored, already did the emotional hurt and damage
• The “All my Friends Hate Me” feeling
  • well I definitely feel that when I’m around some people but I couldn’t pin point why I feel left behind
  • am I creepy or making people feel uncomfortable with my quietness???
  • how you’re always insecure around them because you’re not really on the same page often with values or understanding (I assume it’s a me problem)
  • then I gave up trying to chase them to belong; accept there’s no point trying to belong if you keep losing your sense of peace and self
  • I don’t want to worry about being judged; relatives/parents do that intensely
    • and now I overthink too much at times
    • not wanting to be a target/scapegoat
    • whelp I become a coward at times
• the McDonald’s story/Compliance movie was horrifying, traumatising, dreadful and cruel
  • I was in shock when he read out all those restaurant places…
• someone in the comments said that real life version of the Stepford Wives had husbands and fathers lobotomising women and girls for having mental health issues/mood disorders…
• I’ve kind of self excluded myself in many ways as a hermit and social outcast
  • have not really found any lasting emotional sense of belonging with a social group…
  • it doesn’t help when people are usually comfy and stuck in their existing cliques/groups and there really isn’t space/capacity for me (which is fair and oof)
  • some will probably see my demeanor as “too cool” and mysterious for them
  • I don’t even want to know what reputation I have
  • I just keep to myself even though it’s a social world – I can’t handle the social stuff for long
  • and the fact that I have a deadpan face…people see this as disinterest and feel uncomfortable
  • I used to overact, mask and pretend my reactions/expressions so that people feel like I’m responding to their social expectations but it drains me and it’s not really me anymore…
  • do people even like me???
    • I often second guess myself when I’m around people
    • then I focus my efforts on the moment and do what comes naturally to me…or I attempt to
• did I unintentionally hurt people?
• I hate when people act passive aggressively,
  • start ghosting/dodging and don’t tell me what I can do better or if they just don’t like me
  • it’s just another level of hurt, distrust and anxiety
  • it’s definitely a form of conflict avoidance and I’ve been on both sides
  • it’s still hurtful, frustrating and disrespectful all the same
  • or they don’t like if I can’t remember names
  • or something else I did that’s socially inept, forgetful, inconsiderate or just due to overwhelm
  • it’s hard to trust when you do bring it up and you’re not sure if they’re politely saying it’s okay
    • you were supposed to read between the lines that it’s not oka7
    • and you’re never going to talk again
    • or they even unfriend you
  • or when you do bring it up and try to understand something, they just dodge and don’t answer the question
    • that’s already an answer in itself
    • they don’t want to give a reason, that’s fine
    • I don’t want to engage anymore if they don’t want to be honest about not wanting to answer though – I don’t even need a reason, don’t ghost me
    • my mind spirals as I feel ignored/dismissed ;P
• Or people just hang around but they don’t really care about you if you’re doing badly…
  • which is most of the time :’)
  • people have their own struggles to worry about and just want to enjoy the present and that’s valid
• sometimes I do question whether I can live in this world
  • it’s just going to be a lot of stress, stimulation, drain, tension on my mind and body if I acted more “out there” :’)
• ooof this short about the Autistic POV feels real (morgaanfoley)
  • agreed I can’t mind read ahhh!! I don’t get hints either!!
  • what do you even mean you passive aggressive unclear communicator!!
  • someone brought up how both “talking back” and not talking is rude – yeah
  • it’s exhausting; I don’t want to always explain myself because other people misunderstand / misinterpret what I’m doing
  • maybe it’s the “Leonie’s quiet so we project what we think she’s thinking/doing” instead and depending on the person, they think the worst, best and neutrally of me :’)
• many times when people don’t seem interested in what I’m interested in talking about
  • so I just stop talking and I ask them about them – then they start talking and they didn’t really want to listen in the first place :’)
  • I guess we struggle to understand nor interest each other
  • it happens – better to know than pretend and feel played along in the long run
• I sense for some I give them anxiety and pressure because I’m just quiet, rambling my truth (within reason here)
  • I’m person with tiny, fluctuating online audience :’)
• for others, I don’t get the time of day, get ignored or people just remove me as an online connection for one reason or another
  • no point dwelling on this because this happens
  • we’ve been on both sides when people just don’t have the capacity, interest, time, care for each other
  • we’re not entitled to each other’s time, interest, demands and personal space
• it’s hard to connect with anyone or spend much time with mutual interest
• people are indeed drawn to people who are having fun
  • but how do I have fun when I tend to get overstimulated and drained at the typical social group places…
• I don’t want to be around people who make me feel uncomfortable, ashamed, disrespected, dismissed and anxious
  • I guess that includes people I had crushes on years ago or people I used to be acquaintances with haha
• better to trust yourself, speak up for yourself and help others who need you if you’re able
  • a commenter said…remember to enjoy failure
  • well that’s very hard during the times where you care too much…
• just do your own thing
  • which is also not easy if you don’t know what that really is and you’re overwhelmed with possibilities…

Nintendo IndieWorld + Nintendo Direct Partner Showcase

• lots of games I would watch instead of play
  • Stray Children
  • Neva
  • Date Everything
  • Dragon Quest 3 HD-2D remake
  • MORSELS
  • and probably a few more, it depends!
• I would play Tetris Forever – was not aware of hatris or bombliss??
• did not expect Yakuza Kiwami to be here
• I’m just watching Max reacting to the Capcom Fighting Game Collection 2

Personal rambles

My social anxiety doesn’t like it when I don’t know what the agenda, purpose, intentions and focus of a group thing is – I can’t prepare for it, know what to expect and I’m not sure if I’m in trouble. Then again I’m always a bit on edge when I know an event is coming up. It’s worse when it’s impromptu/a surprise as it feels disrespectful of my time, routine and energy.

And then the thing/event/appointment actually happens and I ease awkwardly into it (I think). And then I have to take some hours or even the rest of the day (depending on how intense and how much energy was spent) to wind down and recover energy from the social stuff :’)

There’s a point where it becomes too much of an obligation or thing done out of social pressure that I resist/refuse to be manipulated into doing something I don’t actually want to do at the expense of myself.

This blog post is super late since I was working late and a tad over time with work so I’m pooped :’) I work intensely and then I switch gears and work away at something else :’)

Anyhoo being frugal continues and more juggling with things!! Also once again facing with so many things I want to learn but I can’t do them all and feeling bummed about it…I want to do it all but mentally and physically I can’t!!! GAH!!

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