(uh…I wrote over 5.7k words at this blog post whoops)

Subtitled process and timelapse!

I worked on the initial iteration/concept of the world last year and the current world’s visuals is much kudos to art boss Alice Walsh and artist Brendon T. (his animated work of the 3 chickens here)! I wasn’t part of the active crossy team loop (I’m busy on helping out Crossy Castle & other things) but they worked really hard on this chunky world update! Lots of players are enjoying it 😀

It’s the Chicken Cousins from the Barn minigame that came out last week! The New Hampshire Chicken, White Silkie Chicken and the Rooster!

They’re in the Farm world update!

I made 26 chicken breeds of crossy chickens in March 2022 and I’m just happy 3 of them got into the world update :’)

Hey I did this fanart last month because I wasn’t expecting them to get into any game when I made the voxel art and because I wanted to draw my chickens :’)

Then I only learned after players shared their character cards that the White Silkie chicken has eyes now. They didn’t have eyes showing when I made them…I liked them with silly, mysteriously hidden eyes so that’s my version I guess :’)

Vanilla biscuit gift featuring my Crossy Rooster! Much thanks to HW coworkers!

It’s vanilla icing on top of a very light/mild butter biscuit!

Leonie rambles about…

• 7 Reasons why you should be Embarrassing (Caroline Winkler)
  • that’s why I’m not fully happy since I’m a hermit?
  • I’m not great at willingly embarrassing myself or putting myself out there – it’s hard work and scary :’)
• Why Asian Parents Never Say I Love You (aini)
  • well those 3 words are rarely in my life
  • there was a time where I tried incorporating it with immediate family members but it didn’t stick as it felt performative and done out of obligation – we all value actions over words more
  • all the same expressing feelings and frustrations are important
• The INSANE Production Drama of Kung Fu Panda 4 (Garf4153)
  • oof so many points of not listening to people who care more about the established lore/story/characters and how this movie didn’t need to exist
• Has Modern Music Become Disposable? | Salari
  • bandcamp and directly supporting musicians rather than big platforms like spotify, etc that don’t pay musicians fairly, etc?
  • personally I don’t really use spotify at all…I don’t go out of my way to listen to music regularly
• How I replaced my social battery as an introvert (Psychology with Dr Ana)
  • so…learn more about people,
  • focus on the good stuff in people (which I struggle with as I try to not let their negative traits take over my judgement and impression of them),
  • get into the flow of conversations,
  • rest by cleaning/hiking/reading/active stuff
  • and not take it seriously??
  • well as a hermit, this is completely out of my comfort zone :’)
  • I do cleaning chores so that’s something…
• 7 Harsh Truths you Probably Need to Hear (WheezyWaiter)
  • good motivational reminders to do the thing in spite of not feeling ready,
  • the what ifs,
  • how no one will come to help or save you,
  • that you are flawed,
  • nothing is original,
  • stuff it,
  • have a purpose with your audience/self
  • and failure along the way is a given :’)
  • it’s saddening and feels lonely to know that no one will help…
  • and sometimes you just don’t want to do it and you just feel guilty about it
• why i make videos nobody watches (poe)
  • this applies to my blog and my art in that it’s not for mainstream peeps and more for a small handful of peeps
  • great reminder and reassurance that I’m just documenting, sharing, expressing, processing my work and thoughts and that I exist too since 2011 (this blog) if not 2005 (deviantart)
  • posting and making what I want and that appeals to me…to the internet void
• I Debunked Evolutionary Psychology (munecat)
  • I zoned out a lot of it because it really is nonsensical rationalisation for misogynistic, discriminatory beliefs
• The Cinematic Themes and Visuals of Ancient China – Part 3 (accented cinema)
• Pixar might be cooked after this interview (Schaffrillas Productions)
  • I’m more neutral whenever new pixar movies come out and not feel excited anymore
  • telling all kinds of individual stories is indeed important and an art!

Catching up & going through artist videos on genAI since I was avoiding them until I had a better headspace

• Is AI. Taking Over the Art World (Ft. Alex Dos Diaz) ( Wacom, MTG, Nicki Minaj, EA, Ubisoft ) (Inkwell)
  • well…I don’t enjoy using the ipad to do art :/
  • people are saying xp pen but I don’t know nor experienced it myself
  • I will be reluctant to get another, future Wacom though!
  • lying and blaming the “3rd party vendor” when there’s people and approval processes that things had to go through :/
  • focus on supporting humans to create what we care about from our experiences
• #6 – Studios are Choosing AI Over Artists – Why We Are Pro Artists (Flipped Normals)
• How My Roommate Defeated AI Art (D&D Scandal) (ft. Quintin Gleim ) (Inkwell)
• THE CREATIVE’S VIEW on ART and A.I (Danar Worya)
  • gosh a lot of these videos aren’t recent because I kept procrastinating from watching – the topic itself made me depressed and anxious for a long while
  • now I’m just binging/going through them so I can move on ;P
• Glaze Protection from AI (Lightbox Expo) – with people who help make Glaze in the panel
• Has Generative AI Already Peaked? – Computerphile
  • it really depends on the data set and if they can keep thriving on generating from their own genAI content so everything is generic, shiny mush
• ARTISTS CANNOT BE REPLACED: AI, the art industry, our next Steps (Tyler Edlin)
  • focus on what things you can control and learn, grow, adapt and create your own opportunities essentially :’)
  • the usual “how bad you want it” I’ve heard all my art career while I think “but at what cost to the individual”
• Is ART worth PERSUING? AI proofing your JOB SECURITY (Chiu on This)
  • your brand, what are you known for? The power of your brand?
  • as for me…my brand this blog and my mascot avatar? :S
  • so he’s saying to become a famous influencer so people know who you are – recognition, branding, self promotion, etc are more important…
    • well I’m not famous…
  • I think this is harder for artists not established. I’m not that established on social media as much as I post :’)
    • or it doesn’t feel like it – I don’t think I see much local peeps I would know anymore, people have moved on into private circles
  • I agree with a commenter – it’s terribly difficult to be an established artist
    • it’s terribly saturated and people’s standards for high quality work is high
  • someone said that 3k followers is a small audience so what does this mean for my much smaller numbers of 70 to 1300??? Haha
  • now it’s the remake/nostalgia era yeah
  • commenters pointed out that this only works for famous artists
    • lower level artists and unknown people have to struggle to make a living in other ways
    • then again everything and other industries aren’t safe from automation :’)
  • one mentioned that to adapt you have to be a good problem solver and not just technical art skills
  • some mention about making art a hobby and generally we are in a recession as a whole and economy is bad
• also what is Photoshop/Adobe doing by using their AI model to ‘moderate’, access and train from with things on Adobe Cloud and their AI tools??? Isn’t this illegal? It’s been talked about on my twitter art feed…
  • a bunch of artists are leaving
  • some artists are sticking to traditional work
  • some say it’s when/if you use their AI tools that gets uploaded to the cloud, they give you options with Firefly and using your artwork to do it – they will ask permission to use your images to train its Ai models first apparently?
  • they insist they won’t use customer IP and work…? “Just trust us??”
  • The Adobe Tire Fire Continues — Adobe Responds To Community Backlash (Gamefromscratch update) that goes through the terms and their super vague license and access to content on the cloud and via their AI tools
    • they need to be explicit before we can trust them at all
  • at the moment they’re intentionally not clear on how they’re handling data
  • ah they overhauled their Terms of Use now and made it explicit that they don’t train with customer’s work/content
  • it just makes it hard to trust them at all since lots of artists work end up on their genAI :/
• Meta/instagram/etc have already scraped from existing content since at least last year
  • so has Twitter for their AI model xAI,
  • Tumblr you’re required to opt out since they sold tumblr content to an AI company,
  • Reddit also sold user content to an AI company (I don’t remember details now).
  • DeviantArt and Artstation, Google and pixiv and pinterest has lots of genAI content and AI scraping.
  • And there’s probably more :’)
  • and genAi on my OS? My phone? My BIOS? My computer??? I can’t escape…so much privacy concerns and it’s not environmentally friendly with all the resources used to run all this
• Dropped Frames episode with Rami Ismail and Jesse Cox – thought provoking discussion on the state of the games industry, streaming, being a creative, genAI
• Why do CEOs make so much money now? (Good Work)
• Is it even worth learning art anymore? (The Calm Creative) note she’s a traditional artist and not digital
  • why it’s still worth it and talking about being present with the playful present of creating, relaxing and self expression, daydreaming and enjoying it
  • satisfaction of mastering a skill, an outlet, growth in persevering, a practice, in defiance of what’s going on
  • seeing the world to capture it, through artist’s eyes and senses – your language and artistic voice
  • being selfish doing what you enjoy and a love language, gifting art to others?
  • that genAI cannot replace human stories, experiences, memories, thoughts, soul, emotions, expression, the process and the joy of learning and growth and improvement
  • hard times for artists when industries/corporations want to efficiently make junk content and devalue us
  • yep agreed – I wouldn’t be doing this blog or fanart if I wasn’t enjoying it!
    • I’m certainly not making it financially viable with what I do and I’ve been stagnant for years at the mainstream platforms (
  • that’s why I’m grateful for the small handful of generous patrons for keeping this blog running; thank youuu! :’)
• AI Hype is completely out of control – especially since ChatGPT-4o (Internet of Bugs)
  • I will get around to watching it hopefully but I share it anyway here
• Karla’s twitter thread asking where on earth’s Apple AI’s data is from

On twitter and instagram; I don’t know anymore as they’re all pro genAI.

Both twitter & instagram continue to get worse (toxicity and genAI scraping and thievery for training their own AI models). Meta has been stealing all this time since last year and from outside sources so this means they’re scraping this public blog too? (video by zurikamili) :/ And Bluesky is neutral with genAI?

Gosh nowhere is safe from scraping if it’s public on the internet. I can’t afford to keep quitting places as an online hermit artist – I already quit artstation, tumblr, deviantart, facebook, threads and whatnot!

All I can do is glaze & nightshade and watermark when sharing on the internet! Too bad I can’t glaze my blog :’)

Is Instagram worth it for artists? Why I’m moving from Instagram video (Christina Ken Art)

• I don’t relate to her getting 70k followers as I never had that many with my small audience haha
• but indeed followers don’t mean much financially
• Oof once again, in person events are mentioned and building an email list are alternatives to social media
• Newsletters are not something that grows for me though when I am just blogging for myself…I haven’t checked recently but it’s probably 7-8 peeps

I’m not brave enough to quit twitter and instagram completely when it’s still where you reach most peeps. Moving forward with twitter & instagram it’ll be selective, random important posts (like today, for work). I do check my twitter art list feed sometimes and I share inspirational art pieces I find at my discord!

I won’t post much at twitter and instagram…? I’m trying to rely on them to reach peeps. Soft quitting and just keeping it up sometimes for random, occasional work/announcements and if I need to market myself to survive.

Perhaps with instagram I’ll stick to stories without any art?? I’m not sure. So please follow other places if you actually want all my updates as I’m not keeping twitter and instagram up to date with everything.

I think I’ll remove the instagram app off my device late in the month so I can’t access it much anymore? I keep finding myself addictively checking even though I don’t get much engagement there haha

I’ll see how I go! I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m just figuring it out :’)

But hey more artists are joining Cara? Concerns/allegations with Hive AI came up that got addressed/debunked and personal feelings

Chiu on this’s video on Cara the new Instagram Killer ?

• I don’t think it’s the instagram killer when it’s still artist centric (at least that’s the impression it gives) and not much mainstream people are here (or those who want to be mainstream influencers)
• It feels like the anti genAI version of ArtStation + Instagram for art appreciators and artists!
• All the same art appreciating non artists are welcome and can do the social media text/image posting thing too!

What Just Happened? AI and The Animation Industry (Meridian Gray Culpepper) Cara had an influx of people joining but I didn’t expect 72 peeps following so far!

• it hasn’t surpassed my other platforms except Bluesky and my barely active Mastodon
• It feels great to be at a platform where there’s lots of art and I don’t have to worry about unethical gen AI on my feed and being blatantly exploited by the platform itself!
  • I just hope it’s not too good to be true and that it lasts :<
• When I joined Cara, a lot of the artists I wanted to follow weren’t there and people were/are burnt out/weary and skeptical from joining new platforms.
  • now there’s lots of new artists to look at!
  • there’s so much pro level art there now! It looks samey/similar to how Artstation used to be in some ways
• It’s the big name internet famous artists dominating and carrying over their influence there and it’s all because Meta AI had already scraped art, photos, text, videos, content without consent at their Meta platforms like instagram :’)

Concerns of Cara’s association with Hive AI was kindly brought up at my little discord as a heads up.

• That ‘Hive AI is training AI art programs that bypass glazes and other anti-AI defenses and the fact that Cara is associated with them‘
  • apparently posts that brought this up get deleted by Cara (to shut down misinformation or to not bother explaining there? I don’t know) rather than directly debunk them directly and explicitly at those posts
  • it seems like the debunking happened on twitter and reddit already last year (I’m out of the loop)
  • there was legitimate concerns with Hive AI itself and if they’re actually reliable given that apparently their website’s TOS is vague and not explicit and clear on how they use user content with their genAI detection software and they also have their own genAI model. Concerns came up on whether they’d just change Hive’s ToS on a whim.
  • it’s the “ai image detection and filtering” part that I am not knowledgeable about
  • people say that it’s not always accurate with it’s detection
  • someone suggested/asked for a detailed explanation on how exactly Hive is involved and what actually happens in the process when doing genAI detection for reassurance
    • the founder doesn’t want to disclose this as it will allow genAI users to abuse it however; that sounds fair
  • a genAI person insisted that scraping can’t be stopped and detection programs aren’t great either
    • they said the best way is to watermark artwork to protect it apparently; not sure what’s going on :’)
    • they’re saying that Glaze doesn’t work in this thread while the original artist posting asks for sources
    • and now this is their demonstration that Glaze does work as much as they insist it doesn’t
  • someone pointed out that genAI cannot be avoided and will become established tools and Cara is using AI moderation to combat genAI here
• Cara addressed those rumours here. They say it’s still the artists’ copyright, Cara does not train AI models, Cara does not give Hive AI data for training and the founder has always been pro artist, against unethical genAI practices and is fighting lawsuits against the big AI companies.
  • what they have at their FAQ that acknowledges that 3rd party automated AI image detection and moderation is used since they can’t actually moderate with a small team of people
  • the founder insists that Hive doesn’t have access to user content and that none of the content is being used for training AI models
  • it seems like the terms of service and legal contract between them for their partnership forbids Hive changing and breaking their ToS!
• This thread points out that if Hive does their own thing for their genAI model that would put their legal contract with Cara in danger/risk and it doesn’t make sense
• Cara AI Allegations (Art commentary+speedpaint) by Creative.nerdi0
  • finally a video that actually shows how the allegations started because I didn’t know
    • seems like the account who did the instagram allegation story acknowledged it with their screenshot collage debunking it and saying oopsies
  • according to the founder zemotion, Hive AI doesn’t automatically filter out AI uploads on Cara
  • this video showed a screenshot of the contract terms with Hive that legally and clearly establishes that they’re not allowed to do what we fear with user content and IP
  • otherwise they’re breaching the contract and terms of service and can be sued for this
  • I’m more relieved and reassured to see the actual contract terms there
  • this artist also remains skeptical and weary in general with platforms – I feel a mix as I’m also trying to be optimistic
  • the text to speech thing at the end of the video surprised me
• I am open to change my opinions if more evidence and sources come to light in the future! I don’t claim to know but for now it seems trustworthy :’)
• there’s concerns that they’re using Vercel to run their website too – makes it super expensive?
• It was already discussed on twitter already too here about Hive’s ToS and they will not infringe their own agreement

And there’s also this article thread summary of “The Rot-Com Bubble” on how Tech’s hyper growth era is over and all web platforms haven’t been growing since 2021. So all the platforms are in decline and are doing desperate, horrible things (like genAI) to attempt to save it. So maybe them declining is for the better so that new, better places can flourish – I was never good at the social media charisma/popularity contest anyway :’)

Critique on Cara by David Revoy (I only found this while trying to find the source for Cara allegations/rumours haha)

• David in the comments also insisted (unless proven wrong) that Glaze/Nightshade is just marketing and ineffective based on what he read from the Glaze researcher’s paper so I’m confused with this
  • I don’t fully side with his points when I don’t know :S
• Digressing. The negative points about Cara bring up some reasonable concerns and how it’s just a copy of ArtStation + Instagram.
  • Cara is an artstation/artist networking & portfolio site and it’s not for everyone though
  • he’s subjective and more “what’s in it for me” (and reasonably so as we all are) when he’s focused on the fediverse and Cara is not that
• Perhaps it’ll change for the worse in due time like other platforms when it struggles to fund itself
  • I would hope not
• I don’t know about his recommendations for federated places like pixelfed or mastodon though since I don’t actively use these them – I have my own blog as it is!
• He is recommending and insisting on having it open source, instanced, being able to follow from other platforms and to be able to take personal data/followers with you. That would be nice but I don’t know if they’ve built Cara with that in mind in the first place so I don’t think this is likely to happen :S
• I’m not brave enough to completely quit instagram and twitter like some other artists who are even deleting their whole account!! At best I’m not posting everything at those places.
• I do hope a more stable business model to keep it running is established & the platform thrives as a positive force for artists and creatives and people who want to enjoy and support human made creations without unethical genAI trying to replace human creativity.
• There’s always a huge gap between artists with huge audiences and those who don’t
  • one can get out of the echo chamber from the same artists though!
  • Have to actively seek them out by browsing because I do keep seeing the same big artists on my feed :0
• the hype will die down eventually and it’s best to host your own work and blog and then make an account at places to crosspost
  • wait that’s what I’ve been doing!! haha

Let’s talk about Cara (and why I’m not making an account) by Jennie Gyllblad

• as platforms are on fire this is good for commercial artists – to get work and network
• she refers to David’s blog post above too
• talks about how nsfw/lewd is not allowed since they can’t moderate it right now
• it’s not an art hobby place
  • (artfol and maybe inkblot suits that more I think)
• it’s not for every kind of artist
  • I don’t know if I even belong there as I always struggled to belong to artstation because years ago my art is indie or I lack fundamentals
  • I don’t have that entertainment industry/commercial style…
• some say Cara can change for the worse so who knows
  • I’ll just make the most of it when it’s still good and then leave if it’s not working out ;P
  • it’s still young and run by volunteers so it’s still too early to say
• please note that this artist in the video has a huge following on their mastodon.art page – I couldn’t even manage that :’)
• guess I’ll auto post my blog at my old mastodon.art account

Found a Is Cara even going to last? thread too. Time will tell if it lasts! :’)

• There are concerns with funding because we don’t know how Cara is going to make money sustainably
• agreed I do want Cara to work but I want to stay practical too
  • people can’t just jump ship exclusively especially when it’s a closed platform
  • donating coffee money isn’t really enough in the long run…
• the founder says she has monetisation plans when she’s more physically functional and after she deals with the gigantic bill so we’ll see how things go :0
• someone mentioned a point that there is no true protection from AI scraping and how it’s not worth it for most artists, it’s more the established artists that benefit
  • my counterpoint is that I’m just there to be inspired (in moderation) and talk to other artists
• They have plans progressing along so I hope things work out well!

Is CARA the new social media for artists? Instagram versus Cara (Christina Kent Art) – fine artist perspective

• freedom from influencers for now? And not focused on video content for the sake of reach. Lots of art there!!
• instagram is just more about tiktok – mainly entertaining stuff
• people are indeed stuck in their own bubbles at Cara
  • I see people trying and starting discussions and art challenges though
  • so there is social stuff happening
• it’s hard to find traditional artists and some artists want galleries, collectors, art advisors to see their work instead
  • “most important things are galleries, pop-up events, conventions, and meeting people, buyers in person.”
  • well I don’t have much of that and I’m a hermit
  • easier for her to say if she lives in the city indeed ;P
• brought up how it’s not sustainable – why are they asking for donations – is there no other business model/revenue streams? Is it worth the value when it’s so early / beta stage?
• that instagram will not go away and will still remain for general public sales while Cara is an artist centric site
  • some others say that it is slowly turning into what devianart used to be – people head over to find artists to hire/collaborate with
• not put all hopes on one app, how it’s more about connecting with artists wherever you are

WTF is Happening on Instagram? AI ART & CARA (mewTripled) and 500K Artists ARE MOVING ON: meta is stealing your art (Tyler Edlin)

• agreed art posted in the past at instagram is already stolen and taken for free, it’s a loss and too late.
• Now it’s about moving forward and detach some feelings :’)
• she says change art style every year!! Whoa! I feel like mine gradually changes bit by bit :0
• how Cara is less about non artists so it doesn’t really replace instagram and how she’s focusing more on youtube (that’s me too even though youtube videos have also been scraped probably)
• some mention Pixelfed too
• there is social media fatigue too :’)

Gosh at Cara, I’m feeling like a tiny artist in a crowded ocean, dominated by big name, famous artists as what David says. But they’re big for a reason – their posts and art is really top standard and/or resonates with people

• it is true that in some ways it’s ‘Here we go again at another social media platform where I see the same popular artists shown to me the most’
  • it’s the trying to “climb up towards reaching more people with your art” slow burn that takes a toll on you
  • (though you can control the following/recommended/new feed to a % with Cara but not sure if unknown artists will pop up though – I haven’t seen much of that as you have to go out of your way with tags instead maybe?)
    • I can’t seem to make it free from people you already follow – it can’t be removed
  • the honeymoon and excitement of potentially having a new artist home is waning away and the reality comes back (similar to how artstation feels intimidating and feeling small!)
  • I already see the same large audience artists on my feed made more visible and more famous and not sure how to best find the lesser known artists
  • you need to ignore your home feed to find lesser known artists
• but they’re popular for a reason and I guess this is all about complaining about our insecurities :’)
  • the same toxic relationship with platforms and comparisons come up indeed :’)
• it really feels like starting from scratch all over again (weariness and tiredness with platforms comes up)
  • I do agree with some peeps that it’s hard to get much traction when there’s so many people and it’s oversaturated – unless you’re established then it might be a waste of time…for me I don’t think so :’)
  • it depends on the person – for me I get to connect with some artists at least!!
  • I’m just a small artist there and it’s nice when people actually find me unlike other places!! 😀
• I don’t want to be pulled into the social media popularity/fame game where people are just trying to collect more followers and have no interest in interacting or enjoying art work either
  • A big artist was discouraging the rise of Cara spam comments like “follow for follow”, “let’s be mutuals” that’s often from instagram and “show me your art”, “I want more artists algorithm!!” that’s often from Threads.
  • and people unfollowing people because they’re not following back – transactional stuff from instagram
    • admittedly I did it once but more because I wasn’t sure on whether I was following out of obligation because it was an acquaintance that doesn’t acknowledge me :S
  • Comment, like and follow if you want to support but you are not expected to!
  • Not everyone can be online/available all the time either
  • Stop pressuring and guilting people – you can’t force anybody to follow back!!
  • Let people comment, like and follow as they like and are able >:(
• Of course the platform is just a tool to network and share with artists,
  • people are stuck/comfortable within their friend circles
  • and it’s more about finding artists who actually have the capacity and mutual interest and effort to connect and/or interact with you
• I am also grateful for these big, wonderful artists carrying over lots of small artists over (it’s near a million users now??)
  • and what can little me do? I tried sharing about Cara last year but I didn’t get much peeps :’)
  • and big following artist doesn’t even mean they’re having big financial success and making a living out of it
• Indeed this is all very exhausting and time consuming joining, keeping up and soft quitting platforms plus the fomo ughhh
• I was surprised when some artist peeps on Cara were engaging with my work as I’m small but I’m still grateful!
  • it is what you put in as every says
• my work isn’t for everyone so many of the artists I look up to don’t care for my work or existence (common small artist experience when it’s one sided)
• in the future
  • I wish the notifications are sorted by comments- they’re hard to find! When I try to click on the comment notification, the comment disappears and I go to the original post instead so I have to find it (if it loads)
  • I wish that reposts are on it’s own tab at an artist’s profile
    • I want to see art & text posts by the artist as its own thing
    • I had to wade through just to find an artist’s art and wips with the caption together without having to click through via portfolio
    • this is why I’m less inclined to repost because I don’t want the posts of other artists to be mixed up (personal preference and to keep it curated)
• Cara ultimately is art for artists! Not about “content”!!
• I am enjoying my time at Cara and I really hopes it works out :0

If Cara doesn’t work out for one reason or another it’s not the end of the world. The costs of running the Cara site is frightening if it’s now at over $96k/month for 700k users so they need sustainable funding. I hope they find a more stable business model and different revenues to stay afloat given how platforms are all declining.

At least I still have my blog, youtube, bluesky(?) and my little discord + maybe some of my other places!!

As much as it’s wonderful to be inspired by great artists on the platform, I do not want to wholly depend on Cara or just one place all the same! :’)

Personal ramble and being horribly sick and health update

Had a weird dream that I was attending a speaker panel and I was intending to be pen pals with a lady panelist for some reason. Then some famous guy wanted my invoice and saw I was getting paid $14000 for the year? I felt shame and feeling poor. And then there was a weird tension between the three of us and deliberation going on and I didn’t know why before I woke up. Huh :S

Digressing!! Since 2019 (before the pandemic) I finally caught a horrible cold + dry cough from family since a few weeks ago :’)

• Tested negative for covid thankfully.
• It’s been years since I was sick with headaches, throat pain, constant coughing fits, stuffing my running nose, sore body, fatigue, lack of appetite, failing to concentrate/function/remember with the brain fog and I’m still going through it!
• Things I have to avoid eating too!
• Bummed I had plans but I couldn’t function well enough to do it. I haven’t been too productive in the past several weeks or so either noooo :’) And I’m stuck and am slow with a project ahhhhh
• Ugghhh being sick is horrible and miserable – I don’t miss this.

Also some family health ongoing troubles for some time now…

Health update I shared this at my little discord at the time but:

Last week I came back from some ultrasounds and the “urgent further investigations needed” was scaring me and making me think of worse case scenarios and questioning if I was going to die. Especially when my mum had passed from breast cancer. The technician refused to tell me what’s going on but told me to see a doctor asap so I am living in anxiety for almost 6 days (weekend, a few business days need to happen and public holiday) to be told about the results :’)

To bargain with myself in hopes that the results aren’t horrifying – I forced myself eventually to not read much romantic fiction anymore because they keep me addicted, I end up staying up too late, not doing what I planned to do often and get sleep deprived :’) I keep getting the temptation to go back ahhhhhh!! I’m struggling as I keep wanting to run to my romantic avenue of escapism! But whenever I do I get carried away and lose sleep and too much time over it because the void is never satisfied…

I still don’t know what’s going on since I the clinic I go to still doesn’t have the results when I checked this morning – I’ll heading out soon today. I’m terrified right now and the anxiety…!!

Edit CW scary lump health update so far – part 2/3 (breast cancer check) : So I have a lump to be urgently investigated late in the week (reminded that health specialists are not cheap) and at least I’m relieved that I know what’s wrong in my ultrasound…rather than guessing what it could be. After some reflecting, I think I know what I should do but it’s undoubtedly scary. I’m also kind of traumatised by how my mum suffered through her breast cancer. I don’t know. Everything feels surreal, sad and conflicted right now. I don’t feel like eating much at the moment. Trying to keep my mind off it since spiraling into fear and anxiety doesn’t help me or anybody.

Maybe I’ll keep my discord updated about it for urgent things and towards the end of my blog posts since I think it’s now going to be an ongoing struggle & thing…

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