[FEB&MAR2018] Being Yourself versus Defining who you are // MeowBurpDoodles Collection + Okami Lunar New Year + Mighty Ladies Portraits
Leonie’s small blog island says hullo! (:
But hey anyone alive and reading?
I’ve brought back comments on my blog posts again to leave the option open for people to comment here at length. I’ll probably check here the most. (:
Be anonymous if you like…I think you can? Just wanted to see if there’s anyone out there. Let me know in the comments way, way, way below 😉 I’ll read them all at the least!
Expecting tumbleweeds every time because people are busy with their own lives as am I so…
Repetitive thank yous if you read this <3
Let’s go! Journal Time.
CONTENTS for your READING QUEST:
Y5M2&3 Leonie Yue’s Social Media Recap & Sketchbook:
Mighty Games Ladies Portraits
#nonoFomo WiDGET SuperListenMode comics
Anyhoo, I was super sleep deprived from 5 hours sleep over the 2, 3 or so days I was doing this! Rush job as it was, I wanted to do it anyway. Yes these are all digitally hand drawn, not vector art ;P
Adriel & Rami’s Wedding icons for Table charts!
A mix of animals and transportation! It was challenging to make it recognisable at 5mm size [especially the duck, plane, pug, owl] but I believe I did it! Phew!! (: A few really liked the elephant! :0 Gosh they must really have a lot of people attending if they had 14 tables!
It’s been a long while since their wedding. So it was really sweet when I got a few photos showing what these icons looked like at the tables of the wedding! ^o^
Overall a fun, different and challenging project I did last year~! 😀
Thank you for the opportunity the both of you!! <3
Year 5, Month 2&3 (March)
Apparently people were waiting for this; well I strive to be a lady of my word 😉 I think the more I posted these…the more people didn’t care ;P
MeowBurpDoodle 8-16 of @MrChad‘s Magnificent cat, Aslan
Note: these are not art requests! Please do not ask me. I do not work for free – these are studies & art gifts that I promised to finish! Since the beginning I did these mostly in the order that I got them and how many I did depends on the quality, poses, care and clarity in the photos I got 😉
MeowBurpDoodle 39-52 of @kindofstrange‘s ultra floofball cat, Harley
All the boops! Stolen references from twitter ;D
MeowBurpDoodle 53-58 of @sokareemie‘s relaxed cool cat
59-63 of JesseLaVigne‘s yawning cat, Annie
64 of @DarkestKale‘s curious & fluffy cat
65 of @EmilyGameDev‘s cats that merged together somehow
66-68 of @Pony_Farts‘ sleepy ball cat
Is it sad that I still haven’t touched/patted a cat in my life? :’)
MeowBurpDoodle 88-105 of @VerbVirus‘s cat
Still not sure if I know how to draw cats in general but as you know I stole more lovely cat photos & poses from twitter last year 😛 Thanks!
The fur patterns killed me so they turned into scribbles :’)
So many cool poses :0
MeowBurpDoodle 106-121 of @Seakla‘s 3 super sweet cats
Making sure I’m getting all those cool poses in
Thank you for the photos you lovely soul!!
Am I a cat person now? Oh no!! My personality is too much like a cat so I don’t know 😛
I like giving people & creatures their personal space…perhaps too much :’)
MeowBurpDoodle 160-176 of @Ehhldous‘s elegant cat
More patterns, got super professional looking photos :0
MeowBurpDoodle 177-183 of @arielinteracts‘s cat she was catsitting, Chloe
184-189 of @ohyoufox‘s cats [check out her pins!]190-194 of @omglazerkittens‘ chill rectangular cat
As you can see, all direct studies without guidelines so…what is a cat? :’)
Much love & cuddles to everyone’s lovely feline friends.
#MeowBurpDoodle Profile Picture Tests
Featuring @gaohmee @AussieBen & @chriscronerschi ‘s cats as well
Not doing everyone’s cats as avatars ;P Gotta pay me.
I doodled 200+ cat drawings – I’m done for nowww.
Thanks so much all who shared with me your wonderful photos (: ❤
#SuperListenMode Super long breaks feels wonderful Pt 2
A lot of distractions, drama and negativity on social media to minimise too.
Experiencing how I really *can* live without social media being a huge part of my life over again. Just being around in small purposeful weekly/monthly(?) doses is enough for me! Now there’s nothing to check or distract me on social media because interaction is so low now & even more people don’t comment/respond/interact because they know I’m not really immediately present to respond – makes it even more alienating but gotta let those feelings go sniff :’)
Learning to not have to keep updated on everything, not respond to everything and just “like” things I appreciate & am grateful for instead (: Reply/Comment when able and when I have something to say! I need to care less! I got art, life, growing and learning to do!
Thank you for being patient with me <3
#SuperListenMode Embracing my sensitivity
I know sometimes I care and think too much. It hurts and makes me insecure when I struggle with expectations and the perceived expectations of others. Yes ultimately people don’t really care as much as I do. It means I need to have better things going on than internet social validation! :<
I’m not feeling 100% at the moment but I’m working on taking care of myself so I can better put out positivity around me <3 As long as I’m doing my best, learning, growing and putting my heart into the things I care about – it makes it all worth it (:
PS: thank you for those of you following little me over here on instagram! Trying to not create another online timesink for myself so I’m not following much people here but do definitely I see you!⠀
And I appreciate your company! <3
#SuperListenMode Highs, Lows, Neutral times of the lifelong learning journey
Take heart. You are not alone <3
#SuperListenMode Apparently I’m “rich” now
Nope, I’m still living in a frugal way which allows me to allow myself some rare spontaneous spending moments (: I am amazed that this little bag lasted 11 years – it was falling apart into pieces internally but it’s still intact as a general bag :0
#BurpDoodle Happy Okami Lunar New Year!!
The Year of the Dog so featuring Shiranui, Amaterasu, Issun & 8 Canine Warriors!
The 4th year I did this & I intend to keep going until all animal zodiacs are done 😉
#VectorBurpQuest What have I created
I just wanted to get better at Vector Art & animate in Flash…
Oh no halp
I’m the worst at vector art and animation ever goodbye
Haha of course this is the popular one;
#VectorBurpQuest Meet Floyd the Cat: Idling
So I posted MeowBurpDoodle Studies last month…and here’s a snippet of my Cat Project now. Loosely learning super basic animation and I made so many mistakes. Learning though!
#VectorBurpQuest Floyd Punch
Get fighting Fit!
This took so long because I didn’t know what I wanted to do…and then I just cut out a lot of animation because I was going about things the inefficient way and I wanted to start over by moving on. 🙁
#VectorBurpQuest Floyd the Cat: Feeling & Walking
Terrible basic walk cycle but I made so many facial expressions!
Floyd will be back as I learn this Vector Art thing…maybe :3
Did a Lunchtime #BurpDoodle a while back when watching @JesseCox playing Rusty Lake Paradise
Lots of confused shock & disbelief in this series; very lost!!
But Jesse suddenly breaking into Grandma Gibberish Mode got me smiling & smirking :’)
Morning BurpDoodle of the lovely @jazzrozz at MelbGGJ
Thank you for the hugs before the jam ❤❤❤
Surprise! Yes I drew these a while ago ;P
But I’m arting more thanks to social media boundaries 😉
Morning BurpDoodle of Kirby 64!
Cherish your friends everybody! ^_^ I don’t have many of those :’)
The best “Saving the World” medal giving ceremony where everyone in the team gets one! Yeah!
I played it ages ago & watched a playthrough a while ago [music still so good]!
Yes I’m keen for the upcoming Kirby switch game ^o^
I’m drawing toony doodles during breaks much more now…hope you don’t mind me sharing. :’)
BurpDoodle: Brain Dump & vague thoughts on juggling & cutting things out in my routine
Figuring it out :0
Never thought of Confidence that way. Not sure if I agree with the quote or am I thinking of people with fearlessness? We’re probably all living with some form of fear anyway with some hiding it better than others :S
I guess I’ll always be facing & managing my fears to break that comfort zone at my own pace :’)⠀
Yes. I got tired of Black Mirror – saw summaries/analysis videos instead because I’m not cool 😛
Extra ramble of confidence:
Someone mentioned that they think confidence is a result of pride and another did not like the implication that confidence is a mask/performance.
I don’t 100% agree with that quote I posted but it did get me thinking and questioning…especially the “faking” you know what you’re doing and not dwelling upon your fears too much at times. You’re giving something your best and sometimes it feels like performing for others to inspire them to believe in you too instead of focusing on yourself and any self doubts you may have.
I’ve always thought that confidence is based on staying true and brave to your values and self and this results in or is supported by the attitude, knowledge, skills, experience and/or feeling towards whatever you’re doing in the face of any degree of anxiety, struggles, uncertainties, fears and/or insecurities you may have.
The belief that confidence results from pride is partially true for me. As I rarely feel proud of anything. For me it’s more about mindset in doing what I set my mind to and perhaps the resulting pride from that fact is the source of my quiet confidence? Who knows.
I don’t *feel* pride but just the belief in myself that I’m doing my best.
BurpDoodle: was watching bits of ReMothered & FFV DLC with Ignis
Gosh even I felt a bit sad from the emotional bro/romance
#MelbGGJ Play Party tonight from 6pm!!
Yodel with @ScottBeca at #PitchPerfectPickles!
I’ll be resting at home but he’s showing our little game!
So I did a sleepy late night rushed BurpDoodle as support! (:
Do play other cool #GGJ18 games & meet peeps too!
BurpDoodle: I cuddled an adorable baby!!
Thank you, you little lovely soul! I forgot to post this from early in the week :’)
BurpDoodle: Florence & Black Mirror SanJunipero fanart and me feeling sleepy & exhausted at the time
I playtested it but I haven’t actually played the final release of Florence. I don’t feel like it’s for me to fully appreciate it but just enjoying it for the Asian mum thing & its interactive pretty art & music 😉
And as much as I’ve lost interest in watching every Black Mirror episode, I had to watch San Junipero even after seeing the summary (: A simple sweet story.
For those new, I’ll be blunt and say facebook is where I am most likely to friend you back if I’ve met you in person and/or feel comfortable/inspired by you to at least be vague online acquaintances – but I don’t check too much social media generally so I usually won’t mislead you by friending you back in other places if I’ve got you on fb already 😉
But I think I’m not interested in using facebook much in general as time goes by :’0
#BurpCommission Profile Picture Pt1 for @palmersaurusrex
All the pastel vaporwave colours!! :0
I spent too much time :’)
I didn’t know what to choose so I just made a lot & played with colours. Whoops.
#BurpCommission Profile Picture Pt 2 for @palmersaurusrex
He’s juggling with social media! :0
Which colour combinations are your favourites?
I don’t really want to do more at the moment as these took me longer .___.
BurpDoodle: Mae, Alien me and some portraits from memory
More doodles during breaks
BurpDoodle: Ripened Tingle’s Balloon Trip of Love
Oh no…I’m watching a super weird disturbing creepy game that got fan translated 😉
I finished it all & it was an incredible special experience with sad undertones with heavy Japanese stereotypes :’)
#BurpCommission Secret Birthday Surprise T-shirt Design for @ScottBeca!
I got commissioned by his partner to sneakily illustrate a T-shirt Design in mid-Feb behind my work buddy’s back 😉
Thanks so much for the wonderful catch up chats Scott!
Video games & cat cuddles!
International Womens Day BurpDoodle Portraits of the Mighty Ladies
We are proud to say that we have some mighty talented women on the team. We praise them often but today especially so. Thank you ♥️ @mighty_rhiannon @Seakla @LxFrancis @leonieyue @arielinteracts Echo, Thanh.
Have a wonderful #InternationalWomensDay 😃
Art by @leonieyue#IWD18 pic.twitter.com/hcOAeObQlm
— Mighty Games (@Mighty_Games) March 7, 2018
This is where I got silly ambitious and made the marketing project Rhiannon gave me into something challenging. Not really going for the Toony Shooty art style as intended. Time consuming and some struggle but I learned things. I’ve had my fun doing the portraits already haha 🙂
10 minute Procreate Timelapse video: see how terrible I am!
Yes I know her hand is too small but intentionally so.
She probably does more than what I know, I haven’t spoken to her aside from “hello” once haha
I accidentally deleted the timelapse recording on Procreate haha
I’m sure everyone else prefers these than the other portraits, I just wanted to challenge myself beyond the usual toony things I do ;P These are more on Mighty brand but hey I want to learn, study and push myself out of the box!
And then I learn that most prefer the more detailed art style while others don’t mind which :0 People on the fence!
Special SuperListenMode for WiDGET’s #nonoFoMo Online Conference
Got kindly invited to volunteer and participate so I figured I’d make some tailored personal comics for the themes of this new Conference. For peeps who don’t really go to the Big Industry/Social Things…and that’s me right now! Staying in my own online bubble mostly :’)
I have no idea how the conference actually went from experience because I wasn’t online as it happened over the 5 days but think it went well? I hope it did! I just felt happy to create something and do my bit. I didn’t do actual illustrations because…I’m not here to just make pretty imagery.
I have personal things to say so comics it is 😉
Yes it jumped to 231 as I’ve already made that many in advance!
Special #SuperListenMode for #nonoFoMo Pt 1: Personal Barriers
My old notions on what being part of the Industry & Community “should” be escalated my insecurities, hopelessness, sadness and feelings of isolation even more.
Now my Personal Barriers…include how I disqualify myself from opportunities because I’m not good enough and that I should just try my best at things. Psst secret: I still need kind people to push/suggest me to do things a lot :’) And there’s also me juggling how much energy I have for a given day. And figuring out who I connect with from a genuine place. Always learning.
QUESTION: What are your current and/or old Personal Barriers?
Special #SuperListenMode for #nonoFoMo Pt 2: Letting Go
I don’t want my self worth to be determined by any big name projects/awards/features/interviews/attention, social media likes, what things I’m am or not invited to, what game industry news, trivia & skills I know or do not know, how popular I am, how much time, practice and effort I put in or do not put in, how much in common I am with everyone, how outgoing I am, how active I am at social events and how much of myself/knowledge I share or do not share.
I’m probably more elusive now but I’m getting better at knowing my limits and taking care of myself! 😉 Hey email works! Social media too as I’ll get back to you eventually within a couple of weeks so not timely hehe
QUESTION: How are you getting better at managing your habits and what things and projects you commit to?
Special #SuperListenMode for #nonoFoMo Pt 3: Staying True to Yourself
A lot of trial and error to get here as an introvert – now being at peace alone or with a few friends with gratitude. Shown are not really active effective fast ways to be part of a community and share things but they’re some things that make me feel fulfilled from a genuine, wholesome place.
Note that I’m extremely introverted, dealing with a mostly ambivert/extrovert world…and the desire to belong never fully goes away. But I’ve accepted that I’m an alien, I want to keep cherishing the few friends I have and I don’t want to push for anything. Plus there are more effective ways depending on your personality, social circles, skills, opportunities and circumstances.
Most of the time you just have to cheer yourself on & believe that you’ll keep getting closer. Embracing your strengths and weaknesses with honesty.
Inspiration and/or friendship can only get you so far :’)
You need to be there for you and your needs to keep fighting for what you believe in.
QUESTION: How do you stay true to yourself?
Still I’m not expecting anything there so thank you kind peeps who are reading & following! ^o^ So far it feels really low investment here with mainly a focus on “likes” and “followers” and less on comments…but this is where lots of artists/creatives etc post their things. I’m repetitive in saying this but I’m just super grateful for those of you who already follow me elsewhere *and* still you’re following me here too – thank you ;___;
I’m just a little kid here hahaAlso I’m not using facebook or twitter too much as I take frequent hiatuses away and I’m not following much people on instagram to keep things manageable. Thank you for understanding! Hope to know you better through comments or other means instead. Gosh it makes me realise how few friends I really have if social media disappeared :’)
I hope you’re all taking care of yourselves! I’m trying on my end! Been working on getting myself out of a rut. I will check facebook/twitter eventually whenever I feel up to it weekly, monthly or randomly but again email is the most timely/reliable way to reach me.
Ultimately I’m just working towards creating, posting art regularly, having fun and getting better at it! Happy and honoured to have your company along the way! 😀
THANK YOU!! <3
Okay I’ll stop being mushy…for now :’)
PS: Instagram, the home of skimming through art and photos right? :0
I know I can’t completely cut off twitter and facebook but I can always choose how often I use it!
PPS: It’s definitely low investment when people don’t have much to say [as someone pointed out]. “Likes” are definitely a form of acknowledgement and supporting each other in small ways. Same can be said with most of social media actually (: It emphasises how I can’t just depend on it for human connection and all that :’)
And farewell 7 year old black/pink glasses.
BurpDoodle: Giftart of NieR:Automata
Yes I’ve played it already, read all the lore and I’m watching other people play it twice over again <3
BurpDoodle: I hope you have an incredible week ahead, Jesse Cox!
Been intimidated away for 5 years and now I’ve finally updated my ArtStation.
Fighting. Imposter. Syndrome…Fears.
Fighting. Desire. To. Flee.
I hate it, need to get better than this! 🙁
It’s not showing everything like my blog but witness a snippet of my messy journey :’)
Yeah I don’t fit in at all.
And I get it if you say: “I didn’t know you did other art beyond personal comics & doodles!”
Well I’m sad about that & I’m kicking my butt now :’)
Oh I also do voxel art for work but I don’t show it haha
“Being Yourself” versus Defining who you are
Perhaps I’ll have no topics for a given blog post and that’s okay. It just means I’m more focused on creating 😉
There’s so much “just be yourself” advice that it’s become too vague to be useful.
What does it even mean?!
What if you don’t know exactly who you are?
What if people don’t like who you really are? They do exist…because you can’t be liked by everyone. What then? There’s probably some compromise involved either way depending who you’re dealing with anyway…the world does not revolve around you and one needs to consider this and be respectful of others ;P
Whenever I hear “I like you as you are” I am a mix of warm fuzzies and gratitude with a small dash of “do you really know who I am inside?”
I’m sure I’m not alone in this :’)
Or maybe they do know who I am inside. Because they read this and/or my SuperListenMode comics. They’re just not telling me so it doesn’t get too personal and uncomfortable…especially when I know little about them in turn ;P Oh dear. Yep. That’s how my overthinking brain works.
But true connection is when you embrace the discomfort between people and overcome it with kindness and understanding without judgement. Something I’m learning to do more instead of always putting up emotional walls and retreating whenever I’m faced with rejection and apathy…I don’t want to get older and become more jaded. I’m afraid of losing myself :’)
When I’m interested I’m a curious kid with questions but when it becomes a one sided conversation…oh double dear.
Or I’m stumped for questions because I don’t feel the mutual connection there. You know that feeling you get when the other person doesn’t seem to have time for you and are too occupied with their own lives? Yeah that. All the emotional walls we put up! A lot of this takes time and trust…it’s just harder the older you get.
Digressing. I had a long think about the “just be yourself” advice.
And consequently pondered who *I* really am.
We’re all struggling with our evolving identities after all.
To me, being yourself means:
- you acknowledge that you have a complex mixture of good, bad/flawed and mundane aspects to yourself and with purpose, you consciously [or impulsively] choose, adapt and act accordingly. It’s up to yourself ultimately [and maybe others] to judge whether you’re a generally a good person or not. It is your responsibility. Your actions, not your words speak the loudest to others.
- Are you doing what’s right for you? Or what’s easy? We all tend to go for the path of least resistance. Willpower is scarce as the day goes on. You may lie to others but you cannot really lie yourself.
- Are you acting from a genuine place? Or are you still worried about how you’re going to be judged? What people think? Your reputation? What you think people see you as? Your friendly, pleasant online persona? People don’t really take notice of you when you do good things [unless it affects or even benefits them] but everyone seems to be watching when bad things happen.
- being yourself is expressing your feelings. Raw and quick and reactive at times. Other times more deliberate, slow, articulate, thoughtful, reflective. This includes making mistakes and owning up to them.
- being yourself is where you keep your promises to yourself. And to others.
- is when you are you. You do not need to find yourself. You *are* being yourself; always changing and growing and living. It’s not about the “should bes” or “should haves” but being who you are. Your truth.
- accepting yourself and your life as you are
- how you are influenced by the 4-5 people closest to you the most
- how much you allow yourself to act and speak without judgement towards yourself and others
Me for example:
Every now and then I care a lot about what people think of me in my industry and at work. And not feeling like I belong. I want to throw these silly feelings out as in hindsight…people don’t care about me but themselves. Just like I am!
But I still do because I’m the kind of person who wants to be valuable through who I am and what I do for others…as much as enjoy solitude most of the time. I appreciate the rare chats I get to do when it happens.
Still I don’t belong to the louder, extroverted/ambiverted, witty, intelligent, outgoing friendly group of people who are usually doing socially fun things and eating out. Hey they just want to have fun the way they enjoy it, I know. At worst I feel some resentment and guilt with myself and I sit with the increased feelings of isolation.
Gosh the “grass is greener” mentality that happens! I know this is a numbers game with social practice and in terms of getting along and making/keeping friends. At best I know I’m too lazy, uninterested, running low on energy or not feeling up to it. I end up being too drained and boring to converse much at all. I feel ashamed of my energy levels sometimes. And how I feel drained from the very idea of mingling and socialising with groups.
For me, I don’t really feel like I connect with or am as passionate about making, designing, developing, analysing video games as everyone else in the industry. I am definitely inspired by them! I just enjoy making art to support it, watching gameplay and playing them! And I do fanart sometimes!
I feel more isolated in the games industry and I miss out on almost every social event, especially skipping the overstimulating crowded late night drinking ones – I don’t mind missing out too much now. I’m tired of tolerating things I don’t really enjoy and just feel neutral about. What makes me feel fulfilled is learning in art and I’m not doing enough of that lately and that pains and frustrates me.
Been trying to get out of this rut since last year I confess.
Gosh the small little catch ups or brunch/lunch/dinner I miss too! I’ve been undergoing “retreat into a ball mode” in the past several months as you can see from my recent blog posts. Been working from home at times too. Trying to refocus and sort out my feelings. And making sure I rest and take breaks.
I think with every new social dynamic [even if it’s as small as a new person or one less person] I care about whether I could adjust and still belong with people and hope they are still cool people to be around. Sometimes I get competitive [or rather it’s insecurity and fear haha]. Other times I just want to break away and do my own thing. I’ve started to wonder if *I* like people in the room and their company rather than being too concerned on whether people like me. Still people are indifferent to me when I’m so quiet, invisible and not really there so it’s hard to really say in fairness :’)
Perhaps I am a ghost! Gasp!
Maybe it doesn’t matter if I disappeared :’)
Digressing again. Learning to focus, care and appreciate the kind few people I directly work and interact with, not worry about anybody else [hey they’re not thinking of me either] and making sure I get some introvert rest time during and after work. Then do other things I enjoy. Figuring it out. (:
The fact that 2018 has been a terrible year for night time public transport makes me more likely to say no to late night things, especially if I have an early morning day of work following! These weeks are the worst as most of my trains are not running. :<
Very keen to do fun social things with peeps when transport isn’t being a pain and I get some art learning going first. I need to kick my own butt in art as I’ve been feeling stuck for a long while and it’s getting unbearable and painful :’)
I’ll keep on staying positive and grateful in my approach to things. But I’m not going to pretend I’m happy. I am not trying to chase happiness anyway. It is a fleeting goal…happiness is not a destination, object, thing, goal, accomplishment or person. I’m opting for being true to myself and connect and be kind with people through my actions and my art instead.
In terms of people closest to me, my family is a mixed bag where at times I’m the worst jerk selfish reactive self because my tolerance levels and willpower are gone and exhausted. Meanwhile at work I’m intimidated by intelligent passionate talkative games peeps so I observe and usually quietly do my best at what I do. Both I don’t often get to fully express myself. Or at least not frequently enough – for me. At times I’m too focused in my own world of work, learning and art that I block out everything else at the price feeling lonely and antisocial…and that’s my fault. I’m too afraid to reach out at times.
I’m not cool at all but a loner haha
So I express myself mostly here instead, plus the catch up chats with my brother, or a few work buddies, or the occasional friend catch ups, or expressed through my work and art. So hey – I’m not completely isolated from human connection – for that I am grateful! :’)
You don’t belong anywhere; embrace and own your pain
Stop looking for confirmation in the world that you don’t belong – as you will always find proof of it, Brené Brown says in her “Braving the Wilderness” book.
“Courage is forged in pain, but not in all pain. Pain that is denied or ignored becomes fear or hate. But what we know now is that when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain.”
“You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”
Gosh what she says about believing in yourself and belonging to yourself is enough – resonates with me. I’ve been saying the former countless times in these blog posts but they were conclusions based from my own experiences and readings! I didn’t read her book by the way, but these are quotes I came across ;P
I don’t feel normal compared to other people. Even within such a niche industry.
Maybe I don’t like being around people too much as I monitor how much energy I have for a given day. Making sure I have recovery quiet alone time. When you work in an open office, I’m always surrounded by people regardless of whether I actually interact with colleagues myself! I guess I can pretend I’m in their conversations and I’m included whenever they’re talking across the room haha It does help in breaking the monotony of too much work all day…sometimes with puns or inside jokes I don’t understand! Or I block it out when I’m in the zone and need to focus.
Anyhoo I know I am just another insignificant human on this earth with a small aura of influence on the people around me. And other people are out of my control. I keep my ambitious ego under control because I know I am not special and there’s always someone more better or worse off than me in different aspects of personality, life, circumstance, upbringing, social circles, family, friends, career and so on.
I care sometimes since we are social creatures dependent on each other to survive but overall I try not to take things too personally thanks to being more self aware. :’) Sometimes I care too much and it gets to me. It happens. Time to let go Leonie!
Compliments are encouraging but I don’t absolutely need approval to feel valued.
Actions rather than words demonstrate whether people value me or not and vice versa. Even attention is scarce from others so I make sure I appreciate most people who give me the time of day and at the very least “like” or express an emoji and acknowledge people with gratitude (: I see you.
So what if I don’t get along with many people and struggle with small talk? I can get better…bit by bit!
So what if I’m not giving the reaction they’re looking for? I’ll just nervous laugh or something hehe
Or I’m not getting the reaction I’m looking for?
So what if I try to be friendly and they don’t seem to be ready yet – I’ll just give them personal space and move on.
So what if I get apathy from others at my efforts? Rejection? Getting ignored? Not the right time? People are too busy? It means I need to feel and accept the hurt and move on from wasting too much of my time. Gosh I’ve been tackling with this a lot. Apathy hurts! But a reality check that I should not care about external forces. When it gets too disheartening with a given person…I don’t want to care anymore when they’ve shown they’ve cared so little already or they’re just doing as they please :’)
So what if I want to spend just 1 day at PAXAus this year…I’ve lost the drive and desire to push myself to attend all 3 days now? It’s gotten too much for me…finally.
So what if I disagree with something…just save energy and keep it to myself haha! No one cares about my silly opinions ;P
So what if I’ve lost interest in popular tv shows, films, books, memes, music, news, games or the latest thing? I’ve become more pickier with what I consume as you know and I don’t want to care about being in the loop when I have other things to do. I’ll just listen about it I suppose if I’m curious & I want to understand ;P For instance Black Mirror and yes I’ve lost interest in Doctor Who too. Not because of the new Lady Doctor, far from that but because I’m tired of the show and formula at its core. I watched all of the new Doctor Who seasons except Peter Capaldi’s last season. I’m done.
So what if I seem to “need more friends” and “need to follow up with people”? I do need to work on this. Does that mean I need to be super active on social media again [path of least resistance]? I’ve lost interest for that at the moment as it’s taking time away from life and art learning but maybe in the future. :’) I’m not getting much interaction beyond the rare likes and kind shares here and there. Hey usually we don’t have that much time in our lives aside from supporting each other through likes and shares sometimes, I get it :’)
At the moment I’ve only got time for a handful of people to keep tabs on myself. I do appreciate emails or lunch catch ups hint hint ;’)
Facebook is where I keep people I comfortably know around, not check on much feeds at all and I’ll lurk on private groups…maybe. I use it the least out of all the social media platforms and I’m on the fence on whether I should actively post there anymore. Maybe just to post art and that’s it [because people will repost your work with or without your permission] :<
Twitter is where I come and go whenever to check on some feeds. Trying to not get addicted! Might restrict myself to using it just on my phone later in the year? haha
Instagram…I just post and check on my tiny managable feed?
Sometimes the random kind comment brightens my day whenever I feel better enough to check though! <3 And then I’ll take another break again haha
Throwing out the notion of belonging, I’ll just focus on people who do look like they want to talk and listen to me and do care for me instead ;P
People who keep in contact and actually follow through with what they say.
People who respect my boundaries, recovery time and personal space.
People who are open, honest, clear and understanding for me to learn and respect their boundaries too.
People who understand I need a quiet environment to talk to people 1 to 1. Or three way conversation if I know everyone well…it depends & it’s stretching it as I end up listening!
Cherish people who include me in conversations, even if I end up just listening!
Establish expectations with each other if I really want to be close friends and if they seem like a mutual good fit.
Cherish these interactions!
Usually I don’t initiate catch ups because I know I’m usually the not as busy party and I assume they are too busy…I need to make an established loose time schedule so I don’t 2nd guess myself like monthly, every 3 months, half a year, every year or something like that :0 Well I have the public transport issue right now so I can’t do things right now but other than that – yes haha
Create your own place to belong within your heart and maybe you can surround yourself with people who support and expand your life into more wonderful things. People do not revolve around you after all! They come and go.
I personally don’t have a 100% place of belonging – who really does – but I know I have myself and few close peeps to talk to…sometimes. Nothing is certain but I’m grateful when it happens :’)
At least I am listening to myself, my limits and trying to take care of myself <3
We will all die one day so live to the beat of your own drum [visualise your own funeral – who will be there till the end?]
Is it bad that I imagine that my own funeral [if I had one] will just be my immediate family? Everything else will probably be a few well wishes on the internet, some relatives who feel obliged to be there, some personal words and then kind people will just move on quick over time?
Probably things that will be said [yes I’m judgmental of myself]:
- “Oh she did what she enjoyed in art and died alone”.
- “She kept to herself mostly but I like some of her art.”
- “She’s quiet, rude, useless, lazy and hides in her room.”
- “She does some designing stuff or something and is earning money.”
- “Don’t know her that well.”
- “She posts a lot on social media”.
- “She gave some basic newbie NZGDC/GCAP talk on something?”
- “BurpNoodles? Burp Drawings? Burpees?”
- “Oh Muscle Duck at Nanojam!”
- “Super Something Mode or something comics?”
- “She did a vlog on NZGDC and it was a terrible video.”
- “Who’s her boyfriend???”
- “She’s so hard to contact on social media.”
- “Did she do anything?? She doesn’t go out. What can you even do at home???”
- “Graphic Designer?”
- “Who’s Leoni???”
- “She does portraits? And fanart?”
- “She forgot she met me.” [I’m sorry, not used to meeting lots of people at once, let alone people who don’t tell me their online and offline names ;____; ]
- “Her art is intermediate I guess.”
- “She doesn’t know much outside of doing art.” :’)
I don’t know if there’s going to be much deep and substantial things to say. Maybe I’m too sensitive or intense at times. I don’t know how my best buddy brother will react though :<
Makes me realise how I’ve got more acquaintances than friends.
Facebook and twitter and instagram…people are all loosely connected with me through those platforms. Gosh if they’re gone then I won’t have anyone aside from a small handful of people and a few work peeps! In recent months I even considered deleting Facebook…but I can’t. Too many people use facebook to do grouped private shenanigans so I’m stuck being a ghost there on a monthly basis or so. And then I brought back LinkedIn because I don’t want to lose my personalised url or the convenience of updating my work history :’) I chickened out. But I made it all private to the public at least.
Digress! All this made me see how I really want to go to Japan when Nintendo Land gets done with my brother, how I really want to make art on par with people I am inspired by [I’m not there yet!] and how there’s still so much to learn and experience!! It also made me more appreciate my brother, few friends and colleague buddies who are happy to talk to me. <3
I feel much more okay with who I have in my life! Focus on the few friends I do have. Sadness does creep in sometimes but I’m struggling to be more at peace with that [talked about it in length in the previous blog post]!
Sadness will never really fully go away as there’s always a sense of loss or lack as you experience things, learn and change…nothing is perfect and 100% satisfactory. Pain, suffering and sadness is all part of the human condition as much as joy, love, desires and your own search for meaning.
Pain and joy and memories…is what makes us human.
Having moments of quality time, kindness, growth, bonding and compassion themselves are enough. Keeping cool, calm and taking time to collect myself, own my mistakes and responsibility and standing back up. The wonders and struggles of learning to be better :’) Oh sadness, my old friend.
For those new: I relate to Sadness so much for the movie Inside Out. I was so mad at Joy because she’s such a dominant bully during the first half. But she grows from that (:
Digress! Indeed we do better and bigger things together through team work, connection, respect and trust – as long as you don’t lose yourself from who *you* really want to be and your values. Other people cannot solve your issues – it’s a lot of patience, forgiveness, self love, endurance, empathy and kindness to feel strong enough to face another tomorrow.
And it’s another thing to completely embrace everything about another person completely too. It’s not easy.
I usually say “just do your own thing” but it’s not that easy to apply this everyday. Everything is competing for your attention and commitment. To focus on being the best self in your own elements is a matter of knowing who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, cutting out what isn’t helping you and being in tune with what drives you to keep going. The thing is, it keeps changing as you age and grow. And you need to look within yourself to figure things out regularly to keep yourself cared for.
A lifelong journey so I don’t worry too much about finding answers.
Gosh I am still so frustrated right now all the same.
I’ll push through it eventually.
Keep focusing on learning and not run away from the struggles that go with it :’)
From all this reading I understand that identity cannot be static and defined.
For my personal promise to myself, I just want to strive to:
- manage the struggles of creativity, insecurities and rejection
- I’d rather have and embrace rejection than be walked over – and then I’ll do my own thing and block anything unhelpful out ;P
- keep my mind open with kindness and love to understand others
- protect my hope and goodwill in others,
- learn to be with people who are different, listen, converse and stay curious
- to act with positivity, kindness and never from a bitter, insecure place
- how loyalty, respect & trust is very important to me
- keep on daydreaming, zoning out, walking, writing, napping, reading, learning – slow down, observe things and refocus
- do other things without worry when I feel stuck with ideas,
- protect my sleep, diet, mental and physical health
- not do things that drain my energy and joy in life
- ensure that I care for myself and allow myself some recovery time
- stay mindful of personal space and self respect,
- find my own sense of agency and boundaries,
- not allow others to control how I feel and my self worth – manage that carefully as judgement happens
- not spend time on people who don’t respect me – they don’t deserve my care and attention…this is hard when I respect them and it’s not mutual :’)
- not allow people to impose their expectations upon me
- find people, books, things that magnify my spirit and enrich my desire for learning and fun <3
- be present and calm in the process in the things I do [the wonder of life!]
- being okay if I don’t feel okay
- being there and loving with myself
- keep showing up and do my best in everything I do
- keep doing things with intention that bring me joy [not change my actions for approval, status, money, to be liked, etc]
- appreciate and express myself and my truth
- stand my ground when I need to speak up for myself even when I’m afraid [gosh normally I stay quiet because I’m just conserving energy and people don’t want my opinion anyway]
- I will not be mad at myself for my decisions, failures, mistakes, pain and emotions – stay self compassionate [kindness, understanding, not being alone with my feelings and have awareness] and look for lessons I can learn from
- to share my feelings when someone has overstepped a boundary rather than the usual bottling up my emotions eventually [and/or just calm down, heal and let it go]
- not hide – allow myself to be silly and laugh when I feel like it 😉
- I value making and learning art and to be a better self more than anything else right now…I want to be true to myself inside and outside.
- and maybe world domination…I do what I want ;D
All of this rambling is just me figuring out who I am and how I adapt and stay true to myself when I am with others and by myself. It may sound like common sense and repetitive to you but this rambling is what I do to internalise things for myself.
This is what I mean by striving to know *why* firstmost. Being clear with my own intentions. Making sure my heart is wholly in it too. Then work on how I’ll go about being a better person at art and life.
I’ll get better at all this somehow :’)
Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you! And removing “what happened in the past two months”:
That is all!
1) I have decided to cut out the “what happened in the past two months” section. I don’t think I want to talk about myself more than I have already through my art posts and personal essays. I’ll keep more personal happenings & details to myself. I’d rather let you read between the lines through the art and thoughts I make ;P
2) Also I’ll have SuperListenMode Comics that reflect bits of what’s going on in 2-4 months’ time.
3) If you really want to know what’s up – well you gotta be a true respectful mutual friend and let’s catch up in person about our silly human lives 😉
4) Plus I’ll be posting the comics individually here from now on. In their full rambly form if it permits it.
Anyhoo, thanks again for reading! Wow!
Maybe 1 or 2 of you do exist!
Let me know by commenting below.
Hellooo if you’re out there!
I’ll curl up now.
See you around through my art and in two months! :’D