There’s so much “just be yourself” advice that it’s become too vague to be useful.

What does it even mean?!
What if you don’t know exactly who you are?

What if people don’t like who you really are? They do exist…because you can’t be liked by everyone. What then? There’s probably some compromise involved either way depending who you’re dealing with anyway…the world does not revolve around you and one needs to consider this and be respectful of others ;P

Whenever I hear “I like you as you are” I am a mix of warm fuzzies and gratitude with a small dash of “do you really know who I am inside?”

I’m sure I’m not alone in this :’)

Or maybe they do know who I am inside. Because they read this and/or my SuperListenMode comics. They’re just not telling me so it doesn’t get too personal and uncomfortable…especially when I know little about them in turn ;P Oh dear. Yep. That’s how my overthinking brain works.

But true connection is when you embrace the discomfort between people and overcome it with kindness and understanding without judgement. Something I’m learning to do more instead of always putting up emotional walls and retreating whenever I’m faced with rejection and apathy…I don’t want to get older and become more jaded. I’m afraid of losing myself :’)

When I’m interested I’m a curious kid with questions but when it becomes a one sided conversation…oh double dear.

Or I’m stumped for questions because I don’t feel the mutual connection there. You know that feeling you get when the other person doesn’t seem to have time for you and are too occupied with their own lives? Yeah that. All the emotional walls we put up! A lot of this takes time and trust…it’s just harder the older you get.

Digressing. I had a long think about the “just be yourself” advice.

And consequently pondered who *I* really am.
We’re all struggling with our evolving identities after all.

To me, being yourself means: 

• you acknowledge that you have a complex mixture of good, bad/flawed and mundane aspects to yourself and with purpose, you consciously [or impulsively] choose, adapt and act accordingly. It’s up to yourself ultimately [and maybe others] to judge whether you’re a generally a good person or not. It is your responsibility. Your actions, not your words speak the loudest to others.
  • Are you doing what’s right for you? Or what’s easy? We all tend to go for the path of least resistance. Willpower is scarce as the day goes on. You may lie to others but you cannot really lie yourself.
  • Are you acting from a genuine place? Or are you still worried about how you’re going to be judged? What people think? Your reputation? What you think people see you as? Your friendly, pleasant online persona? People don’t really take notice of you when you do good things [unless it affects or even benefits them] but everyone seems to be watching when bad things happen.
• being yourself is expressing your feelings. Raw and quick and reactive at times. Other times more deliberate, slow, articulate, thoughtful, reflective. This includes making mistakes and owning up to them.
• being yourself is where you keep your promises to yourself. And to others.
• is when you are you. You do not need to find yourself. You *are* being yourself; always changing and growing and living. It’s not about the “should bes” or “should haves” but being who you are. Your truth.
• accepting yourself and your life as you are
• how you are influenced by the 4-5 people closest to you the most
• how much you allow yourself to act and speak without judgement towards yourself and others

Me for example:

Every now and then I care a lot about what people think of me in my industry and at work. And not feeling like I belong. I want to throw these silly feelings out as in hindsight…people don’t care about me but themselves. Just like I am!

But I still do because I’m the kind of person who wants to be valuable through who I am and what I do for others…as much as enjoy solitude most of the time. I appreciate the rare chats I get to do when it happens.

Still I don’t belong to the louder, extroverted/ambiverted, witty, intelligent, outgoing friendly group of people who are usually doing socially fun things and eating out. Hey they just want to have fun the way they enjoy it, I know. At worst I feel some resentment and guilt with myself and I sit with the increased feelings of isolation.

Gosh the “grass is greener” mentality that happens! I know this is a numbers game with social practice and in terms of getting along and making/keeping friends. At best I know I’m too lazy, uninterested, running low on energy or not feeling up to it. I end up being too drained and boring to converse much at all. I feel ashamed of my energy levels sometimes. And how I feel drained from the very idea of mingling and socialising with groups.

For me, I don’t really feel like I connect with or am as passionate about making, designing, developing, analysing video games as everyone else in the industry. I am definitely inspired by them! I just enjoy making art to support it, watching gameplay and playing them! And I do fanart sometimes!

I feel more isolated in the games industry and I miss out on almost every social event, especially skipping the overstimulating crowded late night drinking ones – I don’t mind missing out too much now. I’m tired of tolerating things I don’t really enjoy and just feel neutral about. What makes me feel fulfilled is learning in art and I’m not doing enough of that lately and that pains and frustrates me.

Been trying to get out of this rut since last year I confess.

Gosh the small little catch ups or brunch/lunch/dinner I miss too! I’ve been undergoing “retreat into a ball mode” in the past several months as you can see from my recent blog posts. Been working from home at times too. Trying to refocus and sort out my feelings. And making sure I rest and take breaks.

I think with every new social dynamic [even if it’s as small as a new person or one less person] I care about whether I could adjust and still belong with people and hope they are still cool people to be around. Sometimes I get competitive [or rather it’s insecurity and fear haha]. Other times I just want to break away and do my own thing. I’ve started to wonder if *I* like people in the room and their company rather than being too concerned on whether people like me. Still people are indifferent to me when I’m so quiet, invisible and not really there so it’s hard to really say in fairness :’)

Perhaps I am a ghost! Gasp!
Maybe it doesn’t matter if I disappeared :’)

Digressing again. Learning to focus, care and appreciate the kind few people I directly work and interact with, not worry about anybody else [hey they’re not thinking of me either] and making sure I get some introvert rest time during and after work. Then do other things I enjoy. Figuring it out. (:

The fact that 2018 has been a terrible year for night time public transport makes me more likely to say no to late night things, especially if I have an early morning day of work following! These weeks are the worst as most of my trains are not running. :<

Very keen to do fun social things with peeps when transport isn’t being a pain and I get some art learning going first. I need to kick my own butt in art as I’ve been feeling stuck for a long while and it’s getting unbearable and painful :’)

In terms of people closest to me, my family is a mixed bag where at times I’m the worst jerk selfish reactive self because my tolerance levels and willpower are gone and exhausted. Meanwhile at work I’m intimidated by intelligent passionate talkative games peeps so I observe and usually quietly do my best at what I do. Both I don’t often get to fully express myself. Or at least not frequently enough – for me. At times I’m too focused in my own world of work, learning and art that I block out everything else at the price feeling lonely and antisocial…and that’s my fault. I’m too afraid to reach out at times.

I’m not cool at all but a loner haha

So I express myself mostly here instead, plus the catch up chats with my brother, or a few work buddies, or the occasional friend catch ups, or expressed through my work and art. So hey – I’m not completely isolated from human connection – for that I am grateful! :’)

You don’t belong anywhere; embrace and own your pain 

Stop looking for confirmation in the world that you don’t belong – as you will always find proof of it, Brené Brown says in her “Braving the Wilderness” book.


“Courage is forged in pain, but not in all pain. Pain that is denied or ignored becomes fear or hate. But what we know now is that when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain.”

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” 

Gosh what she says about believing in yourself and belonging to yourself is enough – resonates with me. I’ve been saying the former countless times in these blog posts but they were conclusions based from my own experiences and readings! I didn’t read her book by the way, but these are quotes I came across ;P

I don’t feel normal compared to other people. Even within such a niche industry.

Maybe I don’t like being around people too much as I monitor how much energy I have for a given day. Making sure I have recovery quiet alone time. When you work in an open office, I’m always surrounded by people regardless of whether I actually interact with colleagues myself! I guess I can pretend I’m in their conversations and I’m included whenever they’re talking across the room haha It does help in breaking the monotony of too much work all day…sometimes with puns or inside jokes I don’t understand! Or I block it out when I’m in the zone and need to focus.

Anyhoo I know I am just another insignificant human on this earth with a small aura of influence on the people around me. And other people are out of my control. I keep my ambitious ego under control because I know I am not special and there’s always someone more better or worse off than me in different aspects of personality, life, circumstance, upbringing, social circles, family, friends, career and so on.

I care sometimes since we are social creatures dependent on each other to survive but overall I try not to take things too personally thanks to being more self aware. :’) Sometimes I care too much and it gets to me. It happens. Time to let go Leonie!

Compliments are encouraging but I don’t absolutely need approval to feel valued.

Actions rather than words demonstrate whether people value me or not and vice versa. Even attention is scarce from others so I make sure I appreciate most people who give me the time of day and at the very least “like” or express an emoji and acknowledge people with gratitude (: I see you.

So what if I don’t get along with many people and struggle with small talk? I can get better…bit by bit!

So what if I’m not giving the reaction they’re looking for? I’ll just nervous laugh or something hehe

Or I’m not getting the reaction I’m looking for?

So what if I try to be friendly and they don’t seem to be ready yet – I’ll just give them personal space and move on.

So what if I get apathy from others at my efforts? Rejection? Getting ignored? Not the right time? People are too busy? It means I need to feel and accept the hurt and move on from wasting too much of my time. Gosh I’ve been tackling with this a lot. Apathy hurts! But a reality check that I should not care about external forces. When it gets too disheartening with a given person…I don’t want to care anymore when they’ve shown they’ve cared so little already or they’re just doing as they please :’)

So what if I want to spend just 1 day at PAXAus this year…I’ve lost the drive and desire to push myself to attend all 3 days now? It’s gotten too much for me…finally.

So what if I disagree with something…just save energy and keep it to myself haha! No one cares about my silly opinions ;P

So what if I’ve lost interest in popular tv shows, films, books, memes, music, news, games or the latest thing? I’ve become more pickier with what I consume as you know and I don’t want to care about being in the loop when I have other things to do. I’ll just listen about it I suppose if I’m curious & I want to understand ;P For instance Black Mirror and yes I’ve lost interest in Doctor Who too. Not because of the new Lady Doctor, far from that but because I’m tired of the show and formula at its core. I watched all of the new Doctor Who seasons except Peter Capaldi’s last season. I’m done.

So what if I seem to “need more friends” and “need to follow up with people”? I do need to work on this. Does that mean I need to be super active on social media again [path of least resistance]? I’ve lost interest for that at the moment as it’s taking time away from life and art learning but maybe in the future. :’)  I’m not getting much interaction beyond the rare likes and kind shares here and there. Hey usually we don’t have that much time in our lives aside from supporting each other through likes and shares sometimes, I get it :’)
At the moment I’ve only got time for a handful of people to keep tabs on myself. I do appreciate emails or lunch catch ups hint hint ;’)

Facebook is where I keep people I comfortably know around, not check on much feeds at all and I’ll lurk on private groups…maybe. I use it the least out of all the social media platforms and I’m on the fence on whether I should actively post there anymore. Maybe just to post art and that’s it [because people will repost your work with or without your permission] :<
Twitter is where I come and go whenever to check on some feeds. Trying to not get addicted! Might restrict myself to using it just on my phone later in the year? haha
Instagram…I just post and check on my tiny managable feed?
Sometimes the random kind comment brightens my day whenever I feel better enough to check though! <3 And then I’ll take another break again haha

I digress.

Throwing out the notion of belonging, I’ll just focus on people who do look like they want to talk and listen to me and do care for me instead ;P
People who keep in contact and actually follow through with what they say.
People who respect my boundaries, recovery time and personal space.
People who are open, honest, clear and understanding for me to learn and respect their boundaries too.
People who understand I need a quiet environment to talk to people 1 to 1. Or three way conversation if I know everyone well…it depends & it’s stretching it as I end up listening! 
Cherish people who include me in conversations, even if I end up just listening!
Establish expectations with each other if I really want to be close friends and if they seem like a mutual good fit.
Cherish these interactions!

Usually I don’t initiate catch ups because I know I’m usually the not as busy party and I assume they are too busy…I need to make an established loose time schedule so I don’t 2nd guess myself like monthly, every 3 months, half a year, every year or something like that :0 Well I have the public transport issue right now so I can’t do things right now but other than that – yes haha

Create your own place to belong within your heart and maybe you can surround yourself with people who support and expand your life into more wonderful things. People do not revolve around you after all! They come and go.

I personally don’t have a 100% place of belonging – who really does – but I know I have myself and few close peeps to talk to…sometimes. Nothing is certain but I’m grateful when it happens :’)

At least I am listening to myself, my limits and trying to take care of myself <3

We will all die one day so live to the beat of your own drum [visualise your own funeral – who will be there till the end?]

Is it bad that I imagine that my own funeral [if I had one] will just be my immediate family? Everything else will probably be a few well wishes on the internet, some relatives who feel obliged to be there, some personal words and then kind people will just move on quick over time?

Probably things that will be said [yes I’m judgmental of myself]:

• “Oh she did what she enjoyed in art and died alone”.
• “She kept to herself mostly but I like some of her art.”
• “She’s quiet, rude, useless, lazy and hides in her room.”
• “She does some designing stuff or something and is earning money.”
• “Don’t know her that well.”
• “She posts a lot on social media”.
• “She gave some basic newbie NZGDC/GCAP talk on something?”
• “BurpNoodles? Burp Drawings? Burpees?”
• “Oh Muscle Duck at Nanojam!”
• “Super Something Mode or something comics?”
• “She did a vlog on NZGDC and it was a terrible video.”
• “Who’s her boyfriend???”
• “She’s so hard to contact on social media.”
• “Did she do anything?? She doesn’t go out. What can you even do at home???”
• “Graphic Designer?”
• “Who’s Leoni???”
• “She does portraits? And fanart?”
• “She forgot she met me.” [I’m sorry, not used to meeting lots of people at once, let alone people who don’t tell me their online and offline names ;____; ]
• “Her art is intermediate I guess.”
• “She doesn’t know much outside of doing art.” :’)

I don’t know if there’s going to be much deep and substantial things to say. Maybe I’m too sensitive or intense at times. I don’t know how my best buddy brother will react though :<

Makes me realise how I’ve got more acquaintances than friends.

Facebook and twitter and instagram…people are all loosely connected with me through those platforms. Gosh if they’re gone then I won’t have anyone aside from a small handful of people and a few work peeps! In recent months I even considered deleting Facebook…but I can’t. Too many people use facebook to do grouped private shenanigans so I’m stuck being a ghost there on a monthly basis or so. And then I brought back LinkedIn because I don’t want to lose my personalised url or the convenience of updating my work history :’) I chickened out. But I made it all private to the public at least.

Digress! All this made me see how I really want to go to Japan when Nintendo Land gets done with my brother, how I really want to make art on par with people I am inspired by [I’m not there yet!] and how there’s still so much to learn and experience!! It also made me more appreciate my brother, few friends and colleague buddies who are happy to talk to me. <3

I feel much more okay with who I have in my life! Focus on the few friends I do have. Sadness does creep in sometimes but I’m struggling to be more at peace with that [talked about it in length in the previous blog post]!

Sadness will never really fully go away as there’s always a sense of loss or lack as you experience things, learn and change…nothing is perfect and 100% satisfactory. Pain, suffering and sadness is all part of the human condition as much as joy, love, desires and your own search for meaning.

Pain and joy and memories…is what makes us human.

Having moments of quality time, kindness, growth, bonding and compassion themselves are enough. Keeping cool, calm and taking time to collect myself, own my mistakes and responsibility and standing back up. The wonders and struggles of learning to be better :’) Oh sadness, my old friend.

For those new: I relate to Sadness so much for the movie Inside Out. I was so mad at Joy because she’s such a dominant bully during the first half. But she grows from that (:

Digress! Indeed we do better and bigger things together through team work, connection, respect and trust – as long as you don’t lose yourself from who *you* really want to be and your values. Other people cannot solve your issues – it’s a lot of patience, forgiveness, self love, endurance, empathy and kindness to feel strong enough to face another tomorrow.

And it’s another thing to completely embrace everything about another person completely too. It’s not easy.

I usually say “just do your own thing” but it’s not that easy to apply this everyday. Everything is competing for your attention and commitment. To focus on being the best self in your own elements is a matter of knowing who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, cutting out what isn’t helping you and being in tune with what drives you to keep going. The thing is, it keeps changing as you age and grow. And you need to look within yourself to figure things out regularly to keep yourself cared for.

A lifelong journey so I don’t worry too much about finding answers.

Gosh I am still so frustrated right now all the same.

I’ll push through it eventually.
Keep focusing on learning and not run away from the struggles that go with it :’)

From all this reading I understand that identity cannot be static and defined. 

For my personal promise to myself, I just want to strive to:

• manage the struggles of creativity, insecurities and rejection
  • I’d rather have and embrace rejection than be walked over – and then I’ll do my own thing and block anything unhelpful out ;P
• keep my mind open with kindness and love to understand others
  • protect my hope and goodwill in others,
  • learn to be with people who are different, listen, converse and stay curious
  • to act with positivity, kindness and never from a bitter, insecure place
  • how loyalty, respect & trust is very important to me
• keep on daydreaming, zoning out, walking, writing, napping, reading, learning – slow down, observe things and refocus
  • do other things without worry when I feel stuck with ideas,
• protect my sleep, diet, mental and physical health
  • not do things that drain my energy and joy in life
  • ensure that I care for myself and allow myself some recovery time
• stay mindful of personal space and self respect,
  • find my own sense of agency and boundaries,
  • not allow others to control how I feel and my self worth – manage that carefully as judgement happens
  • not spend time on people who don’t respect me – they don’t deserve my care and attention…this is hard when I respect them and it’s not mutual :’)
  • not allow people to impose their expectations upon me
• find people, books, things that magnify my spirit and enrich my desire for learning and fun <3
• be present and calm in the process in the things I do [the wonder of life!]
  • being okay if I don’t feel okay
  • being there and loving with myself
  • keep showing up and do my best in everything I do
  • keep doing things with intention that bring me joy [not change my actions for approval, status, money, to be liked, etc]
• appreciate and express myself and my truth
  • stand my ground when I need to speak up for myself even when I’m afraid [gosh normally I stay quiet because I’m just conserving energy and people don’t want my opinion anyway]
  • I will not be mad at myself for my decisions, failures, mistakes, pain and emotions – stay self compassionate [kindness, understanding, not being alone with my feelings and have awareness] and look for lessons I can learn from
  • to share my feelings when someone has overstepped a boundary rather than the usual bottling up my emotions eventually [and/or just calm down, heal and let it go]
  • not hide – allow myself to be silly and laugh when I feel like it 😉
• I value making and learning art and to be a better self more than anything else right now…I want to be true to myself inside and outside.
• and maybe world domination…I do what I want ;D