OCT2017: Melbourne International Games Week 2017 Edition: GCAP & PAXAus + Doing a GCAP Talk + Nanojam3 + Gratitude + SuperLeonieMode 177 to 192

Leonie’s small blog island says hullo! (:

>> Edit Nov 2018: All the formatting for this blog post is broken since transferring from Blogspot; apologies.

So apparently 20 and then later 50 total peeps skimmed/looked at last month’s blog post when I’ve been usually getting 100+ for each! I was a bit sad when I had 20 for a handful of weeks, but I *am* doing these blog posts for me so eh!As much as it feels odd/new to me in the odd sudden large decline, I’ve had these numbers before in the early years. I don’t care too much. I’ve moved on now ;DAnyhoo I really do appreciate you that you could find the time 😉
Just highlighting the fact that there’s not many of you who do read! ❤

Even 100 “views” isn’t that much when it comes to a 6 year old blog.
It’s still a wonderful small ninja kind of an audience though (:

[I had to disable comments on this blog so I can manage my time better, but feel free to tweet at me instead].

Note italics are copied posts from the past!

Let’s go! Journal Time.


Year 4, Month 10 (October)

Leonie Yue’s Sketchbook

SuperListenMode: Blunt lil’ Leonie

Look…I don’t know him well or have any emotional connection. :’)

SuperListenMode: Hit and miss feedback

Perhaps I should be more selective with whom I give my feedback to :'(
I tend to give it my all when directly asked but I can’t waste my time if this happens too much. 

At least let me know if you’re reading/considering my thoughts…or please don’t ask me for feedback if you want me to say what you like to hear .___.

SuperListenMode: Feeling mixed on birthdays

Definitely a mix of experiences; kind of a family/friends thing where people appreciate and celebrate your existence? I wasn’t good at regifting things I didn’t want though and note that I’ve shown all the notable birthday memories I have here :0 

I don’t have much of them as we don’t really care as a family and I don’t have much friends :’) Gosh I guess I had food & games when I was a little toddler but I don’t remember :<

I haven’t gotten presents or anything from anyone at least for a decade or so now because I’ll just get what I want for myself instead in terms of material possessions…sometimes. But birthdays are definitely an excuse to step back from working, indulge with what you want to do, eat and relax for me!! ;D 

I don’t really like the idea of holding your own party to celebrate your own existence… :S
I mean I like food though but when the focus is on you…I feel like squirming D: I’ve never had to invite people since I’ve never organised parties…it sounds stressful! :0
And true, lots of people suddenly care about your birthday on fb :<
I’ve started to slowly just focus on saying it to people I actually care about/talk to and if they don’t want it, then that’s cool too! I do it in person or I use private channels now. Or I find out about birthdays when I already see everyone saying happy birthdays haha
I’ve kept the fb wall spamming to a minimum using my settings phew

So when people care…there’s not many of them so I’m super grateful they remember ❤

SuperListenMode: A different kind of heartbroken

Related to what Brie Code said ages ago on twitter so here are some feelings :’)

Aye loneliness.

The lifelong journey of gaining self confidence in all aspects of life continues!! :’(

Embracing being human, making mistakes, having feelings, trying new things, developing/maintaining friendships/bonds, enjoying the moment/life and having boundaries.

Courage to ask for help and courage to stand alone by your own beliefs.

Learning to be better at giving value because *I* want to, even in the face of fears, rejection, hurt and being alone.

Take heart. Let’s do our best ❤

SuperListenMode: Nah I don’t want to call

She hired me just to help iron clothes.
Me and my team worked hard and during holidays just to get the graduate film done! Yes that animation with the tentacles haha
Really don’t want to do an animation just for the sake of a joke, as much as I was unemployed at the time :’)

SuperListenMode: Catching up on the train, sleeping the tiredness away

I don’t know about you, but going to work makes me exhausted at the end of the day and I need my nap time!! How do people party after work?? :0
Yes we’ve missed our stop a few times before because we were so tired haha

SuperListenMode: NONONO

Aye conditioning and silly standards. Stop this habit Leonie. 
Walk away a while. :’(

SuperListenMode: Never give eye contact 

When I was younger and naive, an international guy in class was constantly staring at my direction and since I don’t feel the same, it was *really* creepy when he was consistently ignoring my attempts to avoid him. 

All the same, I was staying polite whenever I *have* to work with him on group projects…didn’t feel like I had much of a choice with people to work with. I wasn’t keen on being direct and confrontational about it with someone who is staring hungrily at me to the point that I was squirming within my core. 

Finally during an assignment discussion through email, he asked me to be his girlfriend? Since when were we that close?? :< 

I politely turned him down and wished him the best, internally feeling grossed out. :S

He responded that he can take the “lemon” and that I’m average looking anyway. 

He still stared at me in class thereafter so I intentionally sat as far away as possible from him and avoided looking at him when the group assignment was over.

This was a long time ago so I hope he grown & doing better wherever he is!

PS: don’t whack my hair! 😉
EXTRA WORDS:Thanks for reading my little comic…
gosh I still have shivers thinking about this 🙁

SuperListenMode: All the creative voices!

I guess I’m a bit “salty” as I’m not a teen superstar artist with a supportive environment at times. As you do when one compares themselves too much :<

I am definitely getting better at growing my self confidence like a snail & believing in my love for learning ;P But I’ll keep working at it! Celebrate all of us, our differences and our journeys! 😀

SuperListenMode: Thanks Puyo Puyo

And many other games I’m grateful for like Pokemon, Zelda, Mother 3, Mario, Puzzle Bobble, Kirby, Phoenix Wright, Professor Layton and many more! :’)

Thanks so much for helping me through the bad and sad times with some escapism ❤

Aren’t video games wonderful?  ❤❤❤

SuperListenMode: We all do this (:

We either shut it and listen or just move out of there! :0

SuperListenMode: Self talk about Confidence

Aaaah I’m trying and learning when I feel able!! I’m not good at it though!

Arguably I do think/care too much when it comes to group dynamics but the self awareness helps :’)

Other times I don’t care or think too much and I do it anyway.

SuperListenMode: Self Performance Review

So the downside of being quiet & introspective is that people don’t think you’re there or have a voice…apparently. One needs to “perform”, act, interrupt, speak out and look like they’re participating – that’s the corporate perspective. 

As you know, I need time to think about things before I can come up with something I want to share! I am lucky that Mighty is very much understanding with this; I’ll just type vigorously over here in my mind bubble then! ;D

Definitely the downside of needing time to think over things & keeping to yourself in a group situation – you don’t feel valued because you didn’t speak up & they’ve made up their mind. 😞 I am very much used to being invisible in groups :0

And there are other times where I am aware of how ignorant I am and slow to take in things so I keep my mouth shut and listen and learn with an open mind instead :’) 

#SuperListenMode right? 😉

Birthday BurpDoodle for the Shining Generous Kind Star Lauren
May you celebrate a wonderful, quality and relaxing time with your precious loved ones!! ❤

Birthday BurpDoodles for the Shining Generous Kind Star, Lauren

I did these in June, during the week of my own bday and I finished watching Persona 5 then haha

What she actually treated me to a bday lunch. I’m a simple sad person :’)

I can finally post these!
May you celebrate a wonderful, quality and relaxing time with your precious loved ones!! ❤❤❤

I’m sure you’re going to get more wonderful presents & quality time with your friends and family than these terrible BurpDoodles ;P ❤

Birthday BurpDoodle #3 for magical sailor scout Lauren! Persona5
Ok this is the last one, I’m sure you’d get better gifts than these ;P ❤
Plus the hair/clothes are outdated from June so it’s pretty much ruined now haha
But I wouldn’t know how things are going right now as I’m still on Social Media Hiatus :<

Old BurpDoodle: Breath of the Wild

I quickly finished up this small thing I made when I was playing this game ❤

BurpDoodle: Little me & my iPad❤
My new twitter icon! ^o^
Sneak preview for some rushed promo/slide art for Nanojam! :’)
I would argue I spent too much time on it as well; gah juggling! :S

Still I’m leaving my facebook one as is 😉

Heart warming boost for our upcoming GCAP – Game Connect Asia Pacific talks!! ^o^
Laurengave me a Korean food coma aka #LaurenLoveLunch today 💖
Waah thank you for your wonderful and kind company lovely ;___; <3

Rushed BurpDoodle paint in anticipation to watch Stranger Things 2 this weekend! ^o^
I haven’t painted something in ages :0 I’m a terrible artist shh

My brother’s just subscribed to Netflix for the first time so we can watch Stranger Things 2 and we used up the free trial to watch the first season ;D

We want to make the most of this month’s subscription so any other Netflix recommendations?
I have a lot of streamers & peeps who recommend Black Mirror [I’m spooked hearing about it already]! And I have yet to watch Handmaid’s tale from SBS or the latest Doctor Who…hard to make time :S

In short: new to Netflix! More recommendations on what I *must* watch?
Please do share why so I get some context to help me decide (:
Halp please!

So far I got “the Good Place”, Daredevil 1 & 2, Jessica Jones, Fargo, orange is the new black, rick and morty, brooklyn nine-nine. Master of none, Grimm & Kimmy Schmidt.

#CharmingRunes Forgot to post this old Mighty Games Apple promo illustration that became a #PAXAus freebie poster and a #BurpSticker; BOOM! 😉

I’m happier with my illustrations as I do more…!
Though I did this several months ago :0

#QuestyQuest Really early promo poster iteration so I’m just showing it here in the blog. It’s not composed that great…just mashing too many characters in a boring way. It’s an art experiment in the end 🙁


Melbourne International Games Week 2017, Edition: Photos & GCAP2017 BurpDoodles!! First up some recap for the whole month or so…

BurpDoodle on MIGW17: GCAP17, Parallels17, Nanojam & PAXAus
Starting to feel more positive & better about it this year.

There are things I am excited about…the talk preparation itself is really the main hurdle for me!  I’m less stressed about it MIGW in general thankfully.

Also noting boundaries = how much intense social stuff I can take!

Breaks are needed!! 

Otherwise I’ll end up wanting to cry from exhaustion, rejection & feeling abandoned/isolated from those who can handle these things and late night crowded parties :< 

Gimme those quiet small/1 to 1 conversations I pine for!
Hugs are wonderful too. Especially when my brain is too tired to talk about things ;__; It’s hard when you’re supposed to be sociable but this is beyond my normal levels of social interaction…I feel overwhelmed! 

And so I act silly!

Hey I am okay with not being the “cool kid”. 

I’m just that quiet invisible boring one who can’t keep up with your witty fun group conversations ;’)


I think I successfully managed all of these!! Woo ^o^
Next year I need to add “adequate sleep” or something :'(

BurpStickers: I printed these last year after MIGW16 so I’m trying to get rid of them ;D

My BurpStickers gratitude gifts for your company over MIGW17/GCAP17/PAXAus
No dibs; *you* need to find me this time; see you around! ^o^

Trying to not be a free sticker machine :’)

I want to give them out of gratitude for chatting with me from a genuine place!  The Arcade Machine one ran out fast :0

My SuperListenMode stickers came now!!
Pick a little Leonie ^o^
And BurpStickers; find me! ;D
MIGW17, Parallels17 & PAXAus indie area!  

On Speaker BurpDoodle Shenanigans & my focus

Rambling on with what I said in last year’s post….

Hey I know there’s artists who do sketchnotes at conferences. There’s at least two artists doing it for MIGW last/this year :0 I started to notice! I won’t be presumptuous but maybe I did influence others! Did I?! D: I mean no one else was doing what I was doing -properly- it at GCAP 2015 when I started…I believe.

Haha and last year I was partially ultra protective of people drawing speakers in last year’s blog post when I noticed people doing it!

People were drawing speakers too…and even drawing doodle gifts :0
I was: “Hey!” like a little silly kid who got her butt kicked. “Get off my lawn!!”

I’m not going to pretend I didn’t feel that way. ;P
Now I feel weird, lucky and humbled.
That people are influenced to do the same?

Apparently that’s how people thought made me known?? I think it helped but it is definitely not that alone. It was more because I met a few kind people who were willing to take a chance on a nobody like me, actually like my work…and vouch for me via the little freelance/project work I’ve done.

Any artist can draw people…and I’m not interested in “competing”! That’s just not fun anymore…I’m just happy drawing people and share my progress within my own social media channels. Aside from Lucy, I didn’t even show my doodles to anybody else in person this year. I just wanted to draw and then post them later whether a given speaker even cares or not [I’m grateful when they do notice but hey I don’t expect it].

Let me tell you, it depends on the speaker and how comfortable they are to share or interact at all –  not all speakers bother or want to respond, share, like or even look and I’m not entitled or expecting it. (: That’s not a good reason to do it anyway.

BurpDoodles means being fun, silly and striving to learn whatever I’m drawing/painting/creating to me. I’m drawing for me firstmost. As a freelancer on the side and working for Mighty full time as well, I already create for other people and BurpDoodles allow me to do my own thing.
It’s a special thing for me.

All the same, BurpDoodling people is one of my favourite parts of MIGW…drawing people! I’ve done it for several years for other things anyhoo ^o^

Though my BurpDoodles for GCAP/MIGW…I never and wouldn’t really call them sketchnotes. Because they’re not really comprehensive notes. Speaking as someone who loves notetaking. I can take better notes if I fully focus on it. ;D

My focus is just practicing and learning doodling and when able, I write notes in another notebook instead if I can…? I’m not looking to be hired as a sketchnotes artist either but it’s amazing how it can be a job on an international scale! I don’t know anyone who is one though.

I also debated on whether I’ll do the itch.io and gumroad thing.
Probably not.
Are people willing to pay for all this MIGW work? Nah.
People just want to enjoy the work, I’m doing it for my own entertainment/enjoyment really (: It’s my personal project <3

Not expecting any financial gain, that’s not why I do this! It’s essentially my coping mechanism against so much social stimulation…by avoid socialising during these moments of doing what I enjoy. Everything else is a lovely bonus…I wasn’t expecting this to be “a thing”. That now other people are doing sketchnotes, I’m not special ok? Plus there are people who don’t care about me drawing them; it has happened. ;P

It’s really not sustainable to be just a sketchnotes artist…I’m barely one anyway as my notes aren’t that thorough haha

If it was just something for me to “get recognition, fame and getting my foot in the door,” I wouldn’t be still doing it since last year. And it’s not even the kind of work I’d be hired for anyway so I’m not really demonstrating portfolio quality kind of art! Plus it’s a lot of hard work, but I enjoy it too much!

Actually if I was trying to get known, I wouldn’t have started doing them at all actually! I would be too self conscious & shaming myself for being ambitious! Rather I was doing it as a response to avoid “networking”. I have missed plenty of opportunities to talk to people as I do this, not forcing myself to be outgoing and skip parties…when the real value is actually getting to talk to people in person.

Still I was lucky last year that a few kind people were willing to donate some money though; thank you ❤

Regardless, I’m still going to keep doing them because I love it.

Leonie’s MIGW17 Video Blog:Recap Games Week & PAXAus!

I’ve decided to not do anymore MIGW Video blogs next year. So consider this year’s the last one. I’ll take photos [and stream one day] instead 😉

I talk about it at the start of the video too.

Shown within video:

GCAP DAY ONE: Speaker BurpDoodles!

Here we go!
Speaker BurpDoodle: @TreveReed starting GCAP17 off! WHOA @GCAPConf is getting big!! ;D

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: @TreveReed on how he loves @liamesler 
Too much sweetness already at the opening keynote, gosh! ;D 

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: the lovely @TreveReed and his wonderful hugs ❤
Thank you for the warm fuzzies every time ^o^

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: Andrew Abbott of @Creative_Vic kicks it off too

GCAP17 Speaker scribbly BurpDoodle: the remarkable @liamesler
I was sitting at the faaar back so it was not too clear of a view so this is a lot from memory too! >.<;

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: @zusty  at the Opening Keynote! 😀

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: @zusty sharing wonderful stories on paying it forward ^o^

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: @fullbright on community building and reaching out beyond your circles & just merit.
How for most of the opening I saw the back/side of his head, apologies! ;D

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: @gritfish on building Accessibility & Inclusivity from the beginning & his love of Dream Daddy’s Character Creation ;D
Also how we can all buy clothes that fit us :0

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: @AlaynaMCole All the learning & research for ethical interfaces. Doing better when we make mistakes in accessibility & inclusivity.

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle:@AlaynaMColeon how the talk is a lot of “this is terrible!! Don’t do it. Just don’t!” Get consulting!
Psst @QueerlyRepMe plug 😉
Check out this link on Designing Ethical Interfaces for more & Accessibility Dos and Don’tshere 😀

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: @lucyamorris & her love of Microwaves at her IDLE by design talk ^o^

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: @lucyamorris on Clicker games! On Dungeon INC!
And I just doodled her wonderful Sailor Moon Halloween costume ;D

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: @lucyamorris’s love for the chicken button! And how clicking/tapping should technically die out…hand pain & it’s not fun :0 And of course Usagi/Serena hehe

GCAP17 Speaker BurpDoodle: super friendly @Wrenegadey and her UIArtKit talk full of sweet efficient methods to do UI; need to watch again – I was sleepy tired :’)

The end of the day was a struggle to stay awake.
I just went home not long after and skipped the party in order to finish up these BurpDoodles with colour (:

Didn’t sleep much. 🙁
Leonie, y u do.

GCAP DAY TWO: Speaker BurpDoodles!

GCAP17BurpDoodle: lovely & stylishly dressed @liamesleron Science welcoming all in the 2nd opening keynote of Day 2 ^o^

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @JenniTosi representing @FilmVictoria on supporting the games industry through faith & support! Plus @jazzrozz is the ultimate Jedi ;D

GCAP17BurpDoodle: Opening Keynote with @TonyAlbrecht on how he started, honing into GDC, not being a jerk in the industry & Intel jokes

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @TonyAlbrecht advocating giving talks; I definitely agree as an ex-high school teacher & someone who just gave a GCAP talk :’) #learning

GCAP17BurpDoodle: “Be excellent to each other.” Wonderful true words by @TonyAlbrecht
Am striving to always do better at these things & embrace the learning (:

GCAP17BurpDoodle: Spectacular @liamesler sending us off for a new day!
Thanks so much for the heart warming words of encouragement & hugs for my scary talks ;__; ❤

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @tha_rami @TeddyDief with their incredible and sweet Powerpoint Keynote Face/Off battle between best friends ^_^
Plus a list of things Rami juggles with.

GCAP17BurpDoodle: I made a @tha_rami Bear. Finding out that this is the keynote they wanted to give as a talk for GCAP ;D

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @TeddyDief portraits! It was a mix of advice giving, selfies appraisals, reacting to @tha_rami‘s slides and making selfies ;D

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @TeddyDief probably sparkles everywhere with his terrific fashionable presence! Some entertaining @SingMarioke lyrics about @tha_rami!

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @tha_rami on remembering all the games he’s made in just a handful of minutes :0

GCAP17BurpDoodle: Baby @tha_rami again doing the splits haha ;D Thanks for the simple happiness that comes with dessert! ^o^ ❤
Super best wishes & joy with your wedding!

GCAP17BurpDoodle: I’ve never met @ TeddyDief but his wonderful friendship with @tha_rami is the ultimate sweetness! (: #friendshipGoals

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @TeddyDief singing those high notes of @SingMariokeamazingly! I was in a pleasant kind of shock that it was happening at all haha

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @joshalanb on his favourite things and animation areas of focus! I came in late from the previous talk whoops!

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @joshalanb‘s 3D toony counterpart had a jiggling arm going out of control = COMEDY now ;D More animation silly, deliberate animation goodness

GCAP17BurpDoodle: I went to @Kalonica_‘s lovely Art of a Thin Black Line talk again from NZGDC17 & it’s improved immensely with more recent examples of her beautiful project so far! ^o^

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @Kalonica_ is so proud that she finally reached the quality she worked so hard to recreate an interpretation of charcoal in VR 😀

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @Kalonica_ on studying the qualities of charcoal and working with a Fine Artist to make @_VRTOV_‘s project with Vernon Ah Kee

GCAP17BurpDoodle: A cute & passionate @Kalonica_ in gratitude for supporting me in my talk. Thank you my lovely friend ;___; ❤

Ahhh she’s using it as her profile picture a while :’)

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @ellenjurik on becoming a fan even if you’re not when you’re writing for someone else’s IP! :0

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @quaverr on canon versus lore. What makes an adaptation, extension, sequel or prequel within existing stories – like Star Wars.

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @ellenjurik & @quaverr! Ellen recommends that GDC talk immensely! ^o^

GCAP17BurpDoodle: cute @ellenjurik & @quaverr portraits! I was in a super sleepy mode so I didn’t have much notes :’)

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @geogrify‘s words of raw, strong wisdom & advocacy within games. How Imposter Syndrome & Comparison are unhelpful & get in your way of what needs doing.

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @geogrify is THOR. The deserving Closing Keynote got a standing ovation! ^o^ Meanwhile I was struggling to stay awake due to sleep deprivation from doing BurpDoodles Day 1 as much as I fought it 🙁

GCAP17BurpDoodle: incredible @geogrify as Wonder Woman too ;D Glad I took my time with Day 2 compared to Day 1’s drawings :0

GCAP17BurpDoodle: @TreveReed is too lovely plus his hugs! ❤ He told me where to get Donkey Kong ice cream too haha ;D

Yeah that’s all my BurpDoodles for MIGW17 :’)

Phew! That was fun! I’ll have to take my time better next time and make people wait for all of them like I did for Day 2 😉

My health and sleep is more important.
As much as I got carried away on Day 1, I took my time for the rest of the MIGW doodles.

Always happy to do them all the same and at times I get carried away haha
Though when people make it their goal for me to draw them when they get to speak one day…uh oh!

I’m flattered but I need to be genuinely interested in attending your talk in the first place ;D

My GCAP TALK: The Wonderful World of Character Design Part 2 – Recap first!

Ahh reality is slowly sinking in!!
My GCAP2017 talk is on Tuesday 12pm [6th Oct]
and it’s actually near the start of the 1st day so that I don’t stress out for the whole conference…thank youuu so much to whomever wonderfully generous who organised this!
I’ll just jump into the fire early!! :’)
This is going to be my 5th GCAP and I’ve never dreamed of actually speaking ;___;

How. I thought I was always going to listen to people. I never thought this would happen because I didn’t think people would care to listen to someone who believes that she is just a struggling introverted quiet nobody, especially during the early years. I definitely have a lot of self pressure, excitement and determination within me now however. I’m going to do my best and stick to this social media hiatus until I’m ready!

Thank you so much for the kind opportunity and thank you in advance if you plan to attend and support me…it really means a lot and very encouraging to me 
Note I’m probably going to blur everyone out during the talk so I can focus on rambling and keep my nerves down haha

This is part 2 following from what I did at NZGDC [the recording will be soon this month I hope!] So I’m making new content and a lot of secret preparation to do. 😉  Maybe I’ll read from my notes again haha

Going to hide away now to juggle with all the things and preparation!
Lots of love and gratitude!

My Wonderful World Of Character Design GCAP17 Talk is happening in less than a week!! [Wed 18th October]

Both excited & terrified now :’D

Mind you I couldn’t sleep because I was terribly happy, excited and smiling like a silly butt late into the night…when I didn’t know I would be accepted. I can learn and talk about Character Design!! AW YEAH!! I was just super keen on learning regardless and getting all these ideas I could talk about!! All the character design I could manage to *do*!! I stress again that I wasn’t expecting to actually get in.

And now it’s becoming real.

I had a year and a half of terrible and mixed Maths high school teaching experience where teenagers are either indifferent/apathetic, do want to learn, bullied/tested you or hated your guts so…that’s my irrational fear of schools and teaching there. Don’t ask me to go teach/talk at schools and institutions because…I’m still having flashbacks such as getting bullied to tears and feeling like dirt in front of a room full of Year 8s and in front of other teachers. I don’t want to go back there. 

I know I had worse but this is another basket because I’m in front of people and friends I respect within an industry I care about. I feel so flattered and it’s so heart warming when a few kind people are keen to support me & hear what I have to say [who me?!] Gosh thank you! Self pressure increases!! This is a case of “Eep!! I need to do my best!! I want to do myself proud to my own standards!! I want to make a talk *I* want to go to!!”

I mean I survived NZGDC Part 1.

I didn’t know too much people there but people are terribly wonderful, friendly and kind!! If it weren’t for them, all of this wouldn’t have happened!! [PS: NZGDC is a lovely smaller [but growing] conference and I wasn’t able to attend all the talks! I was stressing out for my own talk mostly and most of the talks I did go to were great insights on people’s experiences! Call this preemptive, but I just wanted to clear that up again from my video blog ;( ] 

With Part 1, I don’t know how I did for sure [no one gives you negative feedback in your face :S]. I did vomit information at least! And people were terribly encouraging and kind! Shall probably do the same here in Part 2…!

So from the inside,

I’ve been preparing since August + this social media hiatus. I keep finding more to learn. I keep refining, adding, culling, experimenting, note taking and reading. Hundreds of pages of notes. Sally is my incredible GCAP talk mentor too!! I won’t dare call myself an expert or anything when most people in the room have much much much more years of experience and skill than me…! Gosh all this pressure upon myself makes me wish this was over already haha! Don’t tell Mighty this but I still consider myself Junior level in my own eyes…my self confidence has a long way to go ;P Hey I probably won’t do a talk ever again!

But one thing for sure that keeps me going regardless…

as I dedicate my spare time to this…

is that I just want to us to “learn together”. I’ll do it alone anyway…

So let’s learn together 😉 ❤

My GCAP TALK: Reflection & moving the @CharDesignClub Challenge due date to next year’s end of January!

Please note the Character Design slides & content for the talk itself is in progress so check back the Character Design Club Page for the links.
Thanks for your patience!

Thanks Ryan for the photo I stole from you as you attended my talk!! ;D
Seriously Ryan, thank you for coming as well the rest of you too ❤

Three lovely photos of me doing my #GCAP17 Character Design talk by Emily McAllan; thank you so much!! ^_^ ❤
…I didn’t know & only found these over the last weekend in my struggle to catch up with social media so I posted these late, whoops!

Her original tweet: https://twitter.com/blackwoolsays/status/925230555569856512

Emphasising that I am not popular…it will pass 😉

Thank you so much all of you from the bottom of my silly little grateful & humbled heart 💖

It’s probably my one and only GCAP talk, never thought I would [because who am I?! Really?!] and I did it!! Woo!!! 

These feelings!! ☺️💕✨ These are lovely photos for the memories! 😌🌸

Thank you again and again for your lovely support as it feels very alone & pushing through anyway in my mind…I don’t know what I’m doing :’)

Getting mentored by Sally: the journey! 
We managed to chat once and we did mantras, strategies, went through my slides and rambled a lot! That was just the one and only session we managed to do. I could have had more but I wasn’t ready :0

Again, thanks so much Sally for the ultra support, for attending the talk even [I didn’t expect her to!] and keeping tabs on me throughout. I felt genuinely supported and trusted to do my best :’)

And we didn’t even know each other before this ❤

Fears and Thanks
I got reminded that people don’t tell you negative feedback to your face…which made me feel worse about talking at all D: Because my mind was finding things to nitpick! And doubting people who said nice things…are they lying to me?? Because they can’t say constructive criticism to my face? :<

NO LEONIE. I don’t want my mind to go there as that’s super paranoid and overthinking everything. I want to believe in the best of people or just stay away from jerks…as hard as it is. :0 I’m trying to just enjoy the learning process and not worry about the potential of people bringing me down for speaking 🙁

But knowing that I started with “Let’s learn together!” for NZGDC’s talk gives me strength that I can just focus on communicating on what I want to say. I’m not claiming to be an expert! I’m just expressing my love for designing things and wanting to be comfortable in talking to people who intimidate me :’D

I stress I’m no expert at anything…I’m still learning all this. I still possess little experience. Definitely there’s that pressure to help and inspire others and pay it forward but I’m feeling like a fraud at the same time. I’m supposed to act like this confident, outgoing, powerful and inspiring being or something! Sometimes I do know and other times I don’t know what value I give :S”I’m a nobody!!” my little voice of fear, “not enough” and doubt will cry. “I’m still figuring it out! I still can’t do X, Y, Z, A, B, C….”And then I say back: “So what! I’m not good at those things…I can keep on the fun learning & growing!”

So I am grateful that I have people who have my back. It keeps me happy I’m talking at GCAP at all and people were willing to listen ^o^

To those who came to support me, thank you so much :’)

Essentially I’ve been thanking everyone who came.
I’m just grateful :’)

And everyone else, hey you had better things and talks to do haha ;P
There’s the recording anyway of the almost trainwreck ;0

Personal Reflection time 
So I finally did the scary thing and did a GCAP talk in front of industry people. There was a handful of lovely Mighty peeps as well as some industry acquaintances & friends – and my mentor. The majority were people I don’t know or don’t know so well so don’t get the wrong idea that I bribed people I sort of know to come haha

Actually a lot of people I know say: “oh heard your talk was really good! How was it?” And I end up deferring to the one person that did go in embarrassment or I just answer how I felt it was a trainwreck haha It gets super obvious that they didn’t go when they tell me “good luck for your talk!” when I’ve already done it or they didn’t know I was a speaker until they looked at my tag or they just don’t say anything but talk about the activities/talks they’ve been to haha

A majority of people/acquaintances I spoke to didn’t go so I kept saying “I don’t know…it was a blur!” And it was! I just rambled on as if I was talking to the air and then I randomly stared at random blurry faces without giving direct eye contact – I was too focused on giving out information anyway.

“It’s always a trainwreck, nothing really works they way you want it to!” was one thing I heard. True. I almost had nothing to say because my recent speaker notes wouldn’t load even though I made them offline on Google Slides…it started when I accidentally backed out of the file during the start of my talk!! 🙁

Gosh I thought it was over then.

Whelp talk and career over haha!
You’ll see when the recording comes out one day.

I had to resort to getting older speaker notes and pushed through. I got some confidence after that thanks to my rehearsals late into the previous nights and irregular sleeping schedules full of breaks, naps, water and editing my talk.

The result is a mix of remembering the sequence of things and adapting my older notes to be shorter and more relevant to what I wanted to say. I flew away from my notes a lot when it got to the parts where the old notes weren’t working in the latter half.

Overall I am proud of myself. I survived it :’)
Of course it hasn’t ended for me as the Challenge is still happening and I’ll still need to get those notes and slides out there.

But gosh!

In person feedback I got from people who did go [and Maize’s Live Tweet Thread below]

“Hey you should come teach at my institution. My students would appreciate…etc”
No. I’m sorry. I can’t go back to a teaching environment.
I was dying inside when I was teaching at high school and I just don’t want to go back to the hard work and routine of lesson planning, juggling 130 students, feeling like trash and trying to get people who don’t care about your content to learn. I don’t want to deal with disrespectful people. I won’t go into more detail here as I’ve talked about my teaching experiences plenty in previous blog posts.

Sure you’d argue that your students want to learn and I don’t dispute that. I’m just saying I have my personal aversion to teaching altogether. I feel drained and I don’t think I want to do it right now. If I were to ever teach, I tend to be intense and I tunnel vision into everything I do. I have these standards so I’d rather not be juggling more things on top of making my own art, doing Mighty work, doing the Character design challenge, freelance on the side if it comes up, working on friendships/lunches/life and studying.

I don’t want to juggle another thing that’s in my eyes, a huge commitment.

Being in charge of inspiring new people as their teacher is a responsibility. And I tend to be the information dumper/”learn and figure it out on your own first then get help”…not the “making sure you are learning and hand hold you” teacher.

I’ve been told and treated multiple times as if I’m a trash, incompetent teacher back then because I couldn’t manage a classroom of teenagers and I can’t cater for hundreds of different learning styles so let’s say I’m just feeling done.

I don’t have the emotional room or desire to teach right now.

Perhaps that will change when I feel more confident in myself with teaching. But right now, I’m not excited or keen about it. I’d rather have someone who is, do it (:

“You did SO well and no one noticed the technical difficulty that much!”
or “I’m so proud of you!!”
or “You saved it and I learned so much…” etc
Wahhhhhh [feeling appreciated and feeling loads of warm fuzzies]!! Essentially I’ve been melting into a puddle because I don’t know what else to say

And then I ask about what cat art style they preferred hahaha ;D

“I would do a Character Design course by Leonie” – Lexie
I was stunned!! I consequently melted into a puddle of shock and heart felt gratitude. Gosh ❤
I don’t think I want to teach a course right now when I still got so much to learn…I don’t have famous character designs to show off to draw people in right now 🙁 And I’ve still got loads of things I want to learn myself :0

Women & Non Binary in Games Lunch & Freeplay Parallels17 showcase: Recap & Mentions!

Whoa it’s Ilaria, Kalonica, Laura & little me at the corner Film Victoria‘s #WomenNonBinaryInGamesLunch


More Photos of lovely people here: https://www.film.vic.gov.au/women-in-games-2017

I just took a screenshot of Michelle’s instagram ;D
I don’t often see her; just once a year!

BurpDoodle: @JenniTosiis going to get colourful hair!! ^o^ All about the Ripple Effect & thanks to the @FilmVictoriaTeam 
MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: @cla_rar, @jazzrozz& @ameliaking being the ultra support in making all of this happen ❤MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: @cla_raris Boss! ;D 
MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: @jazzrozzis so lovely when I see her even when she’s so tired ❤
MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: I briefly met @ameliakingat the @Mighty_Gamesbooth at PAXAus later! :0 MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: Apologies @luceobrien, I mostly saw the back of your head 🙁 I was trying my best to get some of your face showing 
MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: @luceobrienbeing a wonderful host and question asker 😀 MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: Here’s a smiley cute @luceobrien
MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: @shannonloftison staying in touch with who *you* are & believe in & getting lunch with someone new & next month again with the same person 
MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: @shannonloftison filtering what you can & can’t control according to what’s important & your limited number of spoons 
MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: @IGDA_ED on being able to say “NO”, having allies, speaking up, asking for help & having a sense of community 
MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

BurpDoodle: @IGDA_EDportrait! Let’s keep having each others’ backs and do better 
MIGW17 & WNBiGLunch

So there was LOTS of people who missed out 🙁
I don’t know how many.

There’s now so many people that they can’t accommodate everyone and there was even a waiting list. Luckily others have organised an alternate lunch. There’s a sense of guilt for having spot…it feels like a race/competition to get opportunities like these. :S It can’t be helped?

It’s a SUPER GREAT thing that there’s more of us though! 😀

Hey like some with the kind opportunity, I went to the very first in 2014 I think up until now. As much as I feel guilt, I know I don’t want to give up my spot because I rarely do women/nb in games events as it is…I really want to feel part of something yet feel alone/fraud at the same time…as strange and selfish as that sounds. I don’t really have much friends so gahhh I need the social practice and I don’t know many people…or I can just eat the food. :<

The more women/nb in games, the more it feels like people who have had the opportunity in previous events should make room for new people. Either way, it feels like there’ll be a group who gets in and a group who misses out and feels left out. I don’t feel great about the situation on either side of the fence.

Personally if I feel like there’s a competition for something, I usually back away unless I get supported/pushed to try it. The terrible “oh I’m not worthy” kind of thing.

I’ve been left out from many things [as does anyone] and it makes you question your self worth and attacks your ego for even expecting to be included.

It hurts. And then you question yourself, “how dare I expect to be included? They deserve it more.” It’s not something I want to do. I don’t want to compare myself to other amazing people in a negative way. Striving to be self aware of all this.

This is a good problem to have that the number of people is growing. It probably means it’s harder to afford/fund events like these too.

All that said…I did go this year. And the food was not as fancy as last year [there wasn’t any dessert anymore :0], it was still good snack food.
It didn’t feel like a meal…I was still hungry and ate whatever scraps I could (:


BurpDoodle: excited @MrChad that @free_play IS BACK!! Parallels17 & MIGW17

BurpDoodle: @MrChad portraits! 
MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @WaywardStrand team + @GhostTownGoldie showing video clips of their game MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @WaywardStrand @MaizeWallin & @ GhostTownGoldie

MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @GhostTownGoldie & @MaizeWallin portraits! I didn’t catch the rest of the @WaywardStrand team apologies

MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @benjkers @jerryBerhoeven @Grinning_Pickle showing progress of @TotemTeller and its storytelling methods MIGW17 @free_play Parallels17

BurpDoodle: @benjkers @Grinning_Pickle portraits!! Showing @TotemTeller at MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: charming @LCVoss & @MrChad playing 2 levels of @PuttyPals
Teamwork & no penalty for dying (:
MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @PraneeMcKinlay on @OfficeBotsVR, sharing her personal & painful experiences

MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @PraneeMcKinlay portrait! Showing @OfficeBotsVR footage at MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: How @joatra_ was inspired by a lighting from a scene from Life is Strange & Gravity Falls

MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @joatra_ portrait! Showing 2 of her many games that focuses on mood, lighting and feeling MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @_rubysimpson & @rundownflamingo on intriguing audio narrative experiences through demonstrating A moment between us MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @_rubysimpson on her relationship with her sister reflected in Sisters

MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @rundownflamingo on how he wants to reconnect with his own sister (:
Thanks for saying hullo; you are too sweet!
MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @Managore on a few of his intricate games, Planetarium, Sandstorm & Reap https://managore.itch.io/

MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @wavingpeople on loving your own body no matter the shape! Respect & Boundaries!
It will be hard fanart ;D
MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @kenwongart & Sam Crisp from @mountainsgames on Florence

MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle: @kenwongart of @mountainsgames on the speech mechanic during Florence’s 1st date (:

MIGW17 @free_playParallels17

BurpDoodle @house_house the team behind the incredible & hilarious Untitled Goose game ❤MIGW17 @free_play Parallels17

GOSH I bumped into/met the incredible Jesse Cox at the lovely, wonderful Parallels17 ^o^

Thanked him for his entertaining work over the 3 to 4 years I’ve watched his content & am super glad to be part of Scary Zine Squad! Look I’m not one to initiate selfies [maybe I’m more comfortable now?] but I know he’ll probably won’t be here in Australia ever again :’)

Also missed out on his signing because they moved the venue, I didn’t have access to twitter out and about for the update and they didn’t have an Enforcer to redirect people. I was waiting early and there was no one but a small group of us feeling lost. Ah well. I don’t even consider myself a super fan but I just wanted to give him some of my stickers and a doodle. 🙁

Hehe thanks for peeping at my silly selfie photo! 😊✨
He took the selfies for me [I was terrible at it] and we ended up looking at the wrong place for the camera lens…whoops 😂

Nanojam 3.0 on Day 1 of PAXAus:Recap & Mentions!
RECAP first!!

So I did Promo Images:

Featuring JasonMaizeRamiLucyPaul, little me so far!
All I know is that I’m pooped, phew!

Intro and End Slides:

And then silly BurpDoodle Portraits of the Panelists so far:
 Host: Jason Imms
 Game Design Panelist: Lucy Morris
Game Design Panelist: Maize Wallin
 Game Design Panelist: Paul Verhoeven
Game Design Panelist: Rami Ismail
Some Artist ;P

Nanojam Art: Mew! It begins!! Had a little scare with cables to my iPad but we got this! ^o^ Maybe slowly dying inside :0

Nanojam Art: Lizards riding spiders and are faster than buses, QWOPing over the place in a Dance off at DDR sim city MMORPG

Nanojam Art: Escape rm via toilet cubicle dabbing 24hrs straight @ Shadow of the Colossus Turd & get that Ultimate Achievement

Nanojam Art: Dating sim between a lovestruck Drunk Panda and NintendoSwitch & its features to eat bamboo together #LoveMePlz

Nanojam Art: Addictive Vaping fitbit game – too dangerous in gamification to ship

Nanojam Art: Water slides where you ride and throw duck eggs at each other with HD egg physics

Nanojam Art: Strawberry flavoured rain w/ invisible superpower = useless!
Only knowing your powers if you die & #NakedSnake

Nanojam Art: #GameDev Kindergarten Game: reality
QWOP babies, baby skin DLC & Gabe Newell baby w/ farting Lootboxes & Hats

Nanojam Art: AAA=🍎 #gameDev kinder
Dating sim with a karate buff snake w/o arms controlling a vegetarian vampire: True Romance

Nanojam Art: Wax Museum + Candles as a Horror game! Wax figures in a tub, chanting candles in a circle. What is real?! 

Nanojam Art: Build your bird for Tinder Tamagotchi! Create ’em feather by feather! All the wings! All the legs! Fabulous! 

Nanojam Art: @tha_rami @jasonimms @lucyamorris @paulverhoeven @gritfish and little me as #gamedev babies :’D as thank you!!

Nanojam Art: We did it!! The magnificent @tha_rami @jasonimms @lucyamorris  @paulverhoeven @gritfish
WOO we survived!!

Full Summary and tweets:

Thanks to some lovely & kind Nanojam peeps,
I got treated to a super wonderful chicken burger lunch with fries thanks to Jason; happy and really full yesterday! ❤
And then for a small dinner…Creme brulee! Thanks Rami! I’ve never properly eaten it before and I didn’t really know what it was!
Aah I feel super appreciated and grateful gosh! ^o^

Boop! It’s a me! Silly Leonie failing at selfies at Nanojam 3.0 with the coolest audience yesterday! ^o^
And I got to play Just Dance [Queen’s Another One Bites the Dust] for the first time just before the panel with peeps! :’) Happy with my terrible 2 star OK rating haha

Screenshot from Michelle’s instagram ;D

PAXAus DAY TWO:Social Media Recap!

Mighty Games Pins: ShootyCutieCat & Mighty Machine!

And this time, I designed/illustrated the Mighty Games ones introducing:
Mighty Machine & Shooty Cutie Cat pins!!
Thanks @AussieBen & @mighty_rhiannonfor the kind opportunity; I’ve never designed pins before ^o^; 

Ashen & Florence pair of Mountains pins [Annapurna] look sweet as well as Checkpoint’s dog and LoveShack’s Flower Girl one! I’m not a pin collector myself but many nice looking pins! :0 

My design/illustration process in making Mighty Machine & Shooty Cutie Cat Pinny Arcade/Mighty Gamespins happen ❤
Goodbye legs & long arms!
Getting close?? Clean up and Lineart Pass.
Version 6: I drew the lineart all over again!
A lot of feedback and revisions!
Gosh this all feels bizzare to me now that this is real D:

Mighty GamesPinnyArcade ShootyCutieCat and Mighty Machine are actually real?! AAH!!
I did not even dream of ever designing pins and…how?! ;__; Waaah!
These are my brother’s because he wanted to support me ❤

Extra words:
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who bought the pins & people who were so sweet/encouraging about them too! O__O; Gosh! ^o^ I’m still feeling surreal about it but I’m humbled and grateful this is happening at all.

If you would like pins [post PAXAus], do reach out to people from Mighty Games and hopefully we can sort something out!

Saw Michelle’s PAXAus/MIGW17 instagram late! 
Me working at the Mighty Booth next to the Shooty Skies Arcade Machine 😀

My feelings ❤
She is too lovely and sweet! But I am *NOT* a legend or whatjoomacallit.
I am just a normal person trying to learn to be better ;P

Was drawing because AGDA 2015 socialising was too much so I went with sad and resigned loneliness :’) I didn’t know what I was doing with my life unemployed so I went with drawing people through #BurpDoodle -ing to keep my mind busy doing what I enjoy. 

2015 was when I first properly started drawing people talking at GCAP [I have been drawing people elsewhere before this so it wasn’t anything new to me then, people have made sketchnotes for many years ;D haha]. 

This is because I was emotionally exhausted, upset and sick of pushing myself too far to “network”, go to noisy/crowded/drinking parties and pretend to be an extroverted outgoing talkative person with strangers/acquaintances. It felt too desperate and repulsive to me to act like that in previous years. I was/am tired of pushing myself to socialise and keep emotionally preparing myself for the rejection I face as the usually invisible person.

Maybe some of you remember me sitting at a table mostly by myself and how a few of you came by to talk to me. Thank you. I was close to tears a bit back then for some moments. I was trying my best to hold it in ;___; 

Other times I had to get some courage & opportunity to approach someone and it resulted me in feeling like I was an outcast and didn’t belong anywhere…I was further emotionally drained and felt like I was going no where. 🙁 Not that I feel like I fully belong anywhere today but hey! I’m embracing being my own thing better now.
Thank you for your kindness. It honestly gave me hope! ;___;

Back to the present! There were no tables this year’s AGDA so I had to socialise rather than draw, sought out water or I walked around looking lost haha
And gosh this is where I’m self conscious about my teeth; eep! D:

Whelp here’s another one of my personal mushy rambly essays. Whoops.

Oh noes it’s me at the Mighty Games booth again! 

I forgot David took this photo, whoops 😊

What?! I didn’t know you were taking this photo David!! :’)

Uhhh I was just playing the wonderful Florence demo by Mountains at PAXAus ;D I’m playing video games, shh

PAXAus DAY THREE: Social Media Recap!

Blame @kiaradoesart @c_barilla @Loveshackers for giving me all this Framed2 merch at PAXAus!
And AAH my art is now postcards?! 
GOSH I was so shocked when I came by the booth & saw my polaroid comics as postcards…wait a minute…this is my art?! WHOA! Aah!!
Thank you so much for your kindness! ❤

And I finally got to meet Stu & Joshua in person finally after getting some gumption – you are all lovely! :’D ❤

Extra Words:
I’m sure I won’t have this many pins next year 😉
I think this year was a little bit special and lucky hehe

Thanks for peeping at my silly posts ^o^

Framed2 @LoveShackers postcard with their Flower Girl pin & the @Mighty_Games @pinny_arcadeShootyCutieCat & Mighty Arcade Machine pins! ^o^

Framed2 @LoveShackers postcard w/ MarioOdyssey Cappy [yay], Florence @pinny_arcade @mountainsgames@A_i pins & @ohyoufox lovely invisible ghost pin gifted to me ;___; ❤ & @rumutweets@RobotHouseAUbadge
Florence is a beautiful game demo to play and Oh You Fox’s pins are lovely, kick-butt and cute! ^o^ Thank you for gifting me the cute invisible ghost pin Victoria ;_____;

Framed2 @LoveShackers postcard with RogueSingularity @cc_contentpin, Mickey & @CrossyRoad Chicken @pinny_arcade Pins @HipsterWhaleDev at PAXAus
Just wanted to say thanks Ed for gifting me that Rogue pin!! ^o^

Illustrated posters I did for Mighty Games‘ QuestyQuest & CharmingRunes got framed in the office at MIGW17
It’s one of those: “WHAT?! My work is actually framed?!” ;____; ❤
I’m humbled & am a simple person haha

These posters were given out during PAXAus too! ^_^

I am super “OHMYGOSH” when I come into the office in the morning 

Too bad I can’t own both of these posters myself haha :’) 

One of my Mighty work sketchbooks is almost done! ^o^
Featuring Charlie/@creatureframe,
Girl Geek Academy
Knuckle Sandwich/@kncksndwh
Rested Development/@rested_devs
ROUTE 59/@route59games
& QuestyQuest & CharmingRunes Mighty Games stickers! 😀

Tight fit & more at the back too ;D
Gosh there’s now a sticker thing. It wasn’t like this before! 😉

Maybe I contributed a tiny bit since I did it since 2015 [tiny square stickers was it?] or 2016 [the rectangular stickers] too!

MIGW 2017: Summary & Reflection!

So I am still in recovery mode but most people are fine by this point. ;___;

Got bird pooped on, got bitten by a mosquito with a huge swollen bite and almost lost my wallet over MIGW and had a huge scare 🙁

Other than that I survived…? Yay!! Apparently I did well this year :’)
I would say that this is my best MIGW I’ve felt this year because I’m…

Actually, truly feeling different afterwards about MIGW/GCAP!
I feel different for the first time at GCAP/MIGW in that I’m not feeling sad, upset, confused, abandoned, lost or mixed about it. Not saying I didn’t get/feel rejected or struggled [I did get ignored like any other person] but…I don’t really care too much this time.

If someone doesn’t care about you
or value your time
or choose to spend time with you,
then they’re not worth your time worrying about them and it has nothing to do with your own self worth.

Of course feelings get in the way when you care about what people think too much :< I’m working on that.

I don’t need external validation of my self worth! 🙁
Not 100% there but much better…? I have avoided people who I just don’t feel comfortable to be around [rather than oblige their company] and I’m feeling much better from doing that? It feels like I’m being a coward but I just didn’t want to deal with interacting with them.

And I’ve actually had some quality time with Mighty peeps slightly more which definitely helped reduce the isolating feeling among so many people. I was happy because we usually split off to do our own thing and I generally don’t know Mighty peeps well outside of work ;0 I feel little bit more connected to them and it feels heart warming. <3

Plus I got to meet new people too, hung around with people briefly and when I walk from place to place it was SO weird when people stopped me to say hello D: I’m not used to this. I’m used to being invisible and quiet. People are so friendly to me…what is this reality?!

I actually feel the social dynamics changed. I’m not being dismissed as much, talked over and more people actually are giving me room to speak more. People understand that if I’m just listening, it’s okay…they don’t feel like I’m judging/uninterested…I’m just relaxing, conserving energy and listening actually. People want to listen to little me!! GOSH! ;___;

And the HUGS! I’ve gotten so much hugs in my whole life within the Games shenanigans gosh! It was lovely to get hugs from people I’m comfortable with! <3 And I didn’t get sick at all, what luck! :0

I feel like all of this can be taken away from me any moment and it’s too good to be true :’) So this is all a dream right haha?

As I said in the video blog, I’ve messed up with remembering names [I know I got someone’s name wrong, sorry!] and I forgot whether I met someone or not…whoops! And then they didn’t reply…sorry.

This is the first time I couldn’t keep up with new people I’ve met – plus they’re usually brief and short chats so it’s hard to recall. 🙁 Apologies if I was tired and not much for conversation!! .___.

MIGW is usually overwhelming and intense for me!
So GDC is an outright no from me…I can’t deal with the US let alone the intensity of a global & crowded event D:

I’ve also cleaned up my twitter and friend people on facebook instead. As much as I enjoy freely coming in and out of twitter conversations [though getting ignored still hurts at times over there], I think more freedom of discussion and rambling happens at facebook anyway. It’s lightened up my twitter feed heaps and I don’t really check facebook feed haha BUT I’ve made more friends only posts and it feels nice (:

Plus a few people are more happy to arrange 1 to 1 lunch catch ups with me nowadays and that is wonderfully lovely!! <3 Usually people don’t want to talk to me individually unless it’s a group situation…but I end up being the invisible quiet boring one in those social situations… 🙁 Plus I think I have people I need to properly lunch meet but I’m still not recovered yet so I’m not initiating it right now. I’m still tired and I’m having cramps as I write this :S

I feel like I accomplished something personal to me by doing the GCAP talk and I feel great! Exhausted. But great! 😀 Sure lots of people I know didn’t come because of other things but more people know about me now?? I don’t know.

I feel like my heart and my self confidence has grown a bit with heart felt feelings of gratitude & determination. ^o^ From this I have further learned the importance of boundaries, sleep and kindness to yourself and to others [if they are not jerks/make you uncomfortable].

I spoke to you at all, thank you for being part of my intense Games Week <3
Thank you so much ;___;

…now we’re slowly back to normal so back to under the radar invisible ninja art Leonie right? Right?? :’)

I’m sure people will forget about me in due time, especially when I’m going to post less comics & art until I get some time to get going again. I express myself best when I type and on social media arguably but it tends to be isolating and lonely. It doesn’t compare to meeting real people in person.

What I’m saying is that I’m not popular ;P
I have so much to learn. Always.

The past month: Gratitude & What Happen?!

So last month was particularly a mixed bag of feelings. So has been October but I won’t dwell on it too long since even with people you know and respect, everyone is living within their own heads and lives to care too much. Just like me. I feel comforted that we’re all struggling and consequently feel more understanding and move on.

I did feel ashamed to share these mixed hurt feelings at all in fear of sounding like I was whining but I knew that this is part of life and everyone deals with it too. I do not want to convey that everything is always happy. It’s fine to be sad, struggling and eventually overcome it every time it comes up after all. (:

What stands out from the rest, are the very very few people who still stick around from a genuine place and still make time to be present and look out for you. As friends. Not as someone who wants something from you for themselves. Usually they drift away but there’s a strong level of trust that they’ll come back and catch up with you another day. The distance does keep the friendship at a static point and that’s how it’ll be for now. (:

Anyhoo, there was a lot of retreating from almost everything and social media in the lead up to MIGW. Took more annual leave to make time to juggle with what I wanted to do with my GCAP talk, my MeowFinders IP, Nanojam Promo Art, Mighty work and figuring out social media management.

All of this has made me feel isolated from others and connected with myself at the same time. I know what I want. I need to find it within myself to keep learning and growing my self confidence.

Career wise, my ultimate goal is to be one of the great Character Designers & Illustrators out there for the entertainment industry and I’m far from that. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always seen myself as a newbie. I’m never as good as the people I look up to in painting, vector art, design, colour, anatomy, animation, composition…everything. 😞

I am just genuinely happy to be working in the industry at all. (I’ve been on the dole a few times as you know or I was doing jobs my heart wasn’t into and it was soul crushing.) My general goal is to stay in the industry and keep growing? :’)
I don’t know where I’m going in particular and I don’t even plan to be an art director…I mean creative autonomy would be great but I’m happy to help out with art and learn right now. Sometimes you are just an art grunt for the project.
Still I haven’t had the opportunity to define and create character designs with my vision on my own through to its completion. And what I’ve made – the @CharDesignClub at twitter and all the #MeowBurpDoodles / MeowFinders Project is something to get me going again. That twitter is probably the only space and commitment for me to start doing that.

Even if I’m doing it alone.
I’m just learning. (:

On freelancing projects and being exhausted right now

I actually did a rush job last weekend and was super sleep deprived – 3 to 7 hours sleep in total over the weekend :’) I was dying and not functioning…hence the delay on this blog & the Character Design content.
I’ll get paid…soon! haha

So now I’m at the point where I actually got asked for a project but I had to
turn it down. An actual Character Design project!! I am so sad but I cannot give 100% right now. There was another possibility but lots of others were chasing it up so I stepped aside haha Others need the job more.

I’m more likely to do a project if I’m directly sought out for. Or it’s a cause I believe or enjoy (:

Anyway I’ve started to say no to things…I feel terrible for flaking out on two little social things almost last minute on the same day or day before this week. I felt brave to actually say “I’m going” but then I turned coward and had to back out of that. I’m so sleepy tired in these past several weeks.

Playing Odyssey during my scheduled sessions helped a lot though!
Escape from all the intense other things I do haha
I’m having so much delightful fun, squealing, joy and feeling like a kid again!

So happy and cute and fun!
I’m so happy I’ve gotten a few more Switch friends! It’s so weird that people who didn’t seem convinced on the Nintendo Switch back then are now Switch buddies!! It’s lovely hehe <3

On Youtube Video Blogs: ooh I got my first ever dislike on a YouTube video! :0

It was on my New Zealand & NZGDC video so I guess my mixed feelings made someone not like it. I would have preferred a discussion so I can be proven wrong in my opinions or agree to disagree but hey, it did feel like a slap on the hand for doing something bad at first! I spent a handful of days to make the video expecting not much really since I don’t really have much of an audience and then this “slap” happens haha :’)

Consequently I hid the ratings [I think I did] because I don’t need more negativity in my life. I don’t want external validation/judgement in my face.

It did highlight to me that I don’t want to make too many video blogs anymore. I guess this “dislike slap” is the final straw. That making these is a huge timesink, I’m not doing this for a living [there is no money in this], people don’t really care [unless it’s about them, then they judge whether it puts them in a bad/good light], I don’t feel keen on doing these as I used to and I’m an amateur anyway.

Originally I did them because I wanted to show what’s beyond still photos and my real rambly thoughts about things…and cope with social things. I guess the apathy and indifference got to me over the years.

It’s not worth my time. I finally lost interest in making commentary video blogs [especially those on industry events]…it’s not fun anymore when the cons outweigh the pros for me. This is why I decided to stop making MIGW next year onwards. Unless it’s me filming cool things [like nature!] or showing off highlights of things, I can be more private again.

I’m done.

What now for YouTube? I’ll post whatever and whenever! 😉

Art, love and life!

I wrote this for my friend so I’ll share this to you too:

Dear Reader who is struggling to find your way into a stable Art Career…
I didn’t really have steps to get myself out of a depressive, unhappy and lonely existence back then. All I knew is that I didn’t want to go back to teaching nor the dole and I don’t have anything else I wanted to do. The “fake it until I make it” just made me feel even more incompetent and worthless as a human being.

I already felt fake. Desperate. Sad. Pathetic. Hopeless. Doomed. Lonely. Emotionally jaded.

So I did whatever felt right as the time came and tried and failed at things. It’s hard to say for sure from memory now but since I quit during 2011 and kept blogging here until now, you can skim through my blog posts since back then to get more of a detailed insight of what I felt and struggled with up until now. I have lived through it and the personal struggle still continues.

From memory:
I spent 2011 to 2015 struggling to find my way through courses and the little freelance I could get. The feeling of “I am drowning and trying to keep my self doubts at bay” were with me every day. Trying to keep my head above the surface. I knew how unlikely it is for me to get a stable job. The isolation and loneliness was a huge thing then than now [it’s still quite lonely now though aye 🙁 ].

I kept focused on the kinds of art I wanted to study and learn and make. I forced myself to go to industry social things at night semi regularly so I met people in person [social media can only go so far and is impersonal compared to in person meetings]. Even though I detested the idea of late night crowded drinking social things, I had to try at the time [but not drink].

I can never really say if it worked on the job front because it’s more of a “hey I’m just present here” rather than a “hey I need a chance to work on something.” It did give me social practice and vague acquaintances but that’s all there is. I didn’t feel it was worth it after a while.

I strongly believe that it all lies in your projects, work and your collaborations with like-minded people who can vouch for you.

On the off chance I did interact well with someone, I showed them on my phone/tablet what I could do and I asked about what they did. I participated in collaborative things in a team towards the kind of projects I wanted to do or try. I wasn’t sure what I was capable of in helping out. I did my first game jam at a Global Game Jam. I still feel like a slow fraud with game jams even today!

Anyhoo, a lot of struggling and not really sure if I was going anywhere.

Tasks that helped…making tangible projects, doing small/personal commissions and doing my own learning. I note that other artists design and make products as a passive income? It really works best when you have an established presence though. Establish what sort of projects I want to be part of and focus on that?

I didn’t have much…I had a 50 to 100 of followers…it really felt like I was going nowhere with my life. Pressure at home wasn’t helping either.

I was trusting myself that eventually I’ll get there even though my certainty is out the window? I was and am still terrified? I hated myself for wasting time on teaching and had the resolve to turn things around at least. I think that is one of my biggest regrets. For going for a teaching career at all because it was what family expected of me and it was “stable”.

Then it was a lot of blocking social media out [because everyone is showing their highlights and achievements and the despair of unhelpful self comparison is bottomless]. And instead be present at industry local online/offline groups. Knowing that I had to depend on myself to make myself ready for any suitable opportunity rises. It’s all up to yourself to be your best friend and support yourself to keep going because you care about it the most.

In a fiercely competitive and uncertain industry…it feels like a race to “get good” + luck to get opportunities + have genuine bonds/connections. There’s so many people better than you too so it doesn’t feel like you have a chance at all.

There was lots of graduates & professionals alike going for the same jobs and it increases the more new people attempt to break in.
I didn’t really have much hope because I knew even if I want to be in the industry, there’s always someone better and wants it worse than you. Why would anyone choose me? I’m not special.

All of this may not be helpful, perhaps my old blog posts back then might do better with more raw feelings I had at the time. So do read my rambly terrible blog posts if you need to (:

Hey, I’m not even fully happy with my own art career right now but that’s another basket I won’t go into.

Back then the struggle with jobs/employment was a heavy burden of self worth and value to society and I understand and know how horrible it feels. I’ve been on the dole at least twice and the process was horrible. I felt like the dirt of society. No one cares about wasting your time; they just want what they want. You feel disposable. There was so much shame and family pressure upon me as well. The “get a real job” kind of family.

Let’s say I’m lucky and I’m grateful for what I have right now (:

But yes you’re not alone. Ask for help if you must, even if it’s just to ramble.
Type out your feelings in a private journal and let it out of your mind every morning. I’ve personally done that sometimes.

Having a support group might help? A group of artist friends to have your back and support you from a genuine place? Someone you can rant and pour your feelings on a mutual basis?

Hey I didn’t have one, let alone much friends. I was an outcast and struggled and lost hope in a world that seemed to rely heavily on connections and working well with people. I’m not an extroverted artist with many friends. I’m one of the introverted, lonely and quiet ones. :<

Where is hope now??

I don’t really have loads of helpful advice since everyone finds their own way and a lot of things that worked for others didn’t work for me. :S What I did may not work for you.

Advice is incredibly difficult to give because it’s so subjective…it all depends on how well you know yourself, your own strengths and weaknesses and what your heart is looking for. Don’t chase after the dreams of others. It ends up feeling empty and pointless in the end. Because you’re not being true to *yourself*.

Staying true to your own is difficult but most rewarding.
And sometimes it changes. Try things! Make mistakes!
I’ve done plenty. You’re finding out what’s right and not right for you.
Do not feel ashamed if things don’t work out. It’s okay to not feel okay.

In terms of an art career, it is a lot of “What can YOU do of *value* to *serve others*? That is the difficult question. I used to answer…nothing. No want wants to hire me. 🙁

Now I’m better at saying: “well I’ll keep learning how to be more of value!”

And hey, hire yourself to do the kinds of valuable projects you want to create in the world! Make comics, stories, games, illustrations, cover art, whatever you’re striving for! Get a day job if you must to survive! Think of the “long game”!

Do take care and trust in yourself!! ❤

Being your own kind best friend is also a struggle to do but is needed when you don’t want to depend heavily on someone else/other people. You are with yourself every minute and second of the way. Ultimately it is *you* who needs to push yourself, nurture yourself, care for yourself and encourage yourself when there’s nobody else.

Take heart and ask yourself: how long are you willing to dedicate your life to this thing? A few months? A year? A few years? A decade? Several decades? Your whole life? How bad do you want it? Is it right for you?

Beyond the shining youthful skilled professionals out there, there are also incredible people who take 7 to 10+ years before they get anywhere!

I’ve embraced long ago that it’s a life long learning journey for me.
One day I’ll be a good or even great artist! One day!! *___*

Maybe you’ve noticed that this is Year 4 Month 10 I’ve been blogging 😀
I’ve buckled down to do this in the long run hehe

For me I want to keep doing it until I’m old or unable…

There’s nothing to lose! :’)

PS: Get more perspectives beyond my own. I’m just rambling my feelings here on the topic. I do not have all the answers to your struggles and problems.
Nor do you for mine. ;P

Take heart. Stay fierce! Please do get support of your own and keep creating what you want in the world! All the best!

Thanks! Keep adventuuuring you!
I’m still recovering!! Ahhhh!  :’)

Now I’ve got to get on that Character Design content!! ^o^