Speedpaint video [short later]!

This took much longer because of the background, sunny lighting and unfortunately I forgot to turn on the recording when I was painting the background. The background took a lot of time as I struggled to figure out what I wanted with the (many) clovers, ground and the characters. And making sure it doesn’t take all the attention with the colours :S

Lineart…well everything took longer as I kept changing and testing things! Ah the messy art process!

I don’t usually do backgrounds either! I just really wanted the background of clovers happen :0

Good practice and I feel grateful that I could do this illustration for work! Thanks marketing boss Sara for your supportive feedback and letting me figure it out!

I don’t think I can do this for every illustration given that it’s more time consuming with a full background and I’m doing this between helping out on HW projects! I don’t get to do this often for HW so I’ll make the most of it!

I have been lucky (for the day of luck!) to be able to have the time and resources to do this ;D (and seriously it is!!)

Yes I did this before my computer troubles happened. I barely managed to finish this speedpaint video a few days or so before my computer’s OS died :’)

Yeah I just scribbled coins in there ;P

Crossy St Patrick’s Day Party! 🍀💚 [official Crossy tweet & IG]

Mallard is not too happy that Chicken crashed the green peeps party ;D

Featuring Raptor, Nudibranch, Baby Parrot, Alien, Mallard, Chicken, Tortoise, Gummy Bear, Lizard, Kea Parrot from the Crossy Road and Castle universe!

Leonie rambles about things again ;P

8 life lessons people learn too late video by Anna Akana

Of the 8 things listed in the video one I struggle with is life lesson 1) important people coming and going. This is given that I have a super tiny circle of a few and finding/keeping quality, compatible people you feel comfortable around is hard. As an anxious soul hiding behind a detached attachment style or whatever style I have (as I struggle to find my balance), I would definitely need to go through the stages of grief from the loss if they’re super important to me or I expected/projected too much on someone…

4) Never let rejection lead to self rejection (I reject myself preemptively a lot).

I notice little things that feel like rejection and overthink things. People don’t really care about you as much as you think. Other times they care more than you think but I wouldn’t know. Or they’re just ghosting and not mentioning things because they don’t want to acknowledge or reassure you, their actions don’t match with their words/promises and/or they have forgotten/didn’t really give much thought about it.

I end up closing myself up a lot because I am either just not interested or I’m too intense for people (emotional investment is not mutual nor balanced). Most don’t like intense/indifferent people – they want chill, fun, relaxed and still interested/invested people? Or they don’t need anymore people in their life? What does annoy me when people keep it vague/confusing, don’t discuss expectations and boundaries and don’t communicate about important things to show they listen, understand, value and respect the relationship. Sometimes people are too chill and relaxed in that nothing is established and things are left unsaid. Are people sure they’re even on the same page??

I don’t even know anymore because humans are complex, emotional beings all dealing with their own plates :’) And talking about important, vulnerable things is scary too.

And 2) letting people down to be happy.

I am always trying to get better at communicating my limits on what I can manage and it’s saddening when I do disappoint people because of my mistakes and anxieties. Asking me to a big/group social event is a huge ask for someone who doesn’t do any social outings at all. Then again I don’t want to put so much pressure into any few potential social outings I may do in the distant future…yeah my comfort zone is small compared to most :’)

Being invited to things feels wonderful mind you! I haven’t been doing any social stuff since the pandemic (and some time before that because I’ve always been a hermit) because I haven’t been inclined to kick myself out of my hermit comfort zone, get all anxious/tense preparing/doing the “going outside” process and face crowds/people/public transport/how to eat outside unless I really have and want to.

I’m just trying to get by with a super simple life (for better or for worse). Another part of me feels that I do need human connection with more people of quality so there’s that internal conflict that surfaces occasionally too.

Yes if I ever, ever do outside social things I will continue to wear a mask, with social distancing and if needed and if I can bear it, a hat + stuff because I am a paranoid, anxious, silly, overthinking soul (as annoying as it is)! I know more and more people don’t want to bother with face masks at this stage so it’s up to me at the least – I feel somewhat more safer that way. I’m short in height so spit/breath goes down on my hat instead of my head/face and as I hide almost my whole head/face haha :’)

Yes years ago someone seated in front of me, sneezed at me on a tram and consequently I got a cold for weeks with much resentment and misery – I will always remember that time and a few other times I got sick from people at public transport >_>

Should I try a face shield?? Are there hand sanitisers that don’t make my hand eczema worse?? I know I can’t make it 100% risk free but I want to do what I can reasonably control and so I don’t spread it to family either. Do people have tips on this stuff??

Not that anyone answers my blog post questions but still ;P

There are people who have gotten covid once or so before and most have thankfully survived but I don’t think anyone should go out of their way to get sick especially when it sounds horrible, miserable and painful with long lasting effects when going through covid. Plus there are people who are especially at risk who might not survive; I believe I have one in my family 🙁

There’s people who are living as per normal doing social things, group sports and traveling too since they can manage that risk (or so I hope). I am not at all comfortable doing all that when vaccines are still slowly catching up with new strains. And how the flu seems to be getting worse each year. It’s an ongoing thing definitely.

Guess I’m on a different plane of anxiety with not wanting to get sick nor pass it on. And I’m also an alien in that I’m not a social event person (I’m a homebody) nor can I afford much holidays/travel/vacation (financially and timewise) plus it’s also another stressful thing to plan! I admire those who are adventurous and who travel lots to learn and experience things :’)

Random side tangent: I would rather travel with trusted people so that I don’t have to shoulder the burden of planning/arranging/deciding *everything* in the moment because I get easily drained even moving about outside and I become a sad, grumpy blob if I feel like I’m not making the most of the rare times I go outside haha

Yes that’s generally why I want to plan in advance with any outing (+ keep it loose and flexible) so that I am not freezing up from choice paralysis and fatigue :’)

Also 5) owning my responsibility and owning my future is hard.

I freeze up and get into an anxious, depressing thought cycle a lot when it comes to my life and future…I have to take things a step at a time as I figure things out at my own pace and/or I get into a situation when I’m forced to face the music that I dread.

Yes just like my computer troubles I’m dealing with right now – I’ve been super overwhelmed ugh ;P

8) Fun is Yours – well I don’t enjoy what social people do most of the time so I thrive doing my own boring fun ;P

Moving on from the video, another life lesson that comes to mind is how expressing feelings, communicating and allowing for mistakes are so important.

Sometimes I feel conflicted between keeping my mouth shut to not bring the mood down versus actually saying what I’m feeling and struggling with. And the hardest of all is figuring out with whom I should share it?? I fear I’m emotionally dumping things on people too. But when you’re not reasonably vulnerable, you won’t actually connect honestly with people – given that people have earned your trust and have your best interests at heart.

Plus that’s super subjective and depends on one’s judgement of people :’)

Sometimes I just want things to be clear so that I don’t have any misunderstandings or confusion with what’s going on because admittedly I have low tolerance with getting misunderstood, ignored, ghosted and getting scapegoated – I would like to minimise that by communicating anyway. There’s times where I just want to update people about things but I’m not expecting too much emotional labour – though simple acknowledgement of the concerns/topic/issue/feelings is usually enough. Beyond that some reassuring, kind words would be good and appreciated because it feels nice to be heard! And getting help is even beyond that! :0

I’m sure there’s more life lessons, like how people are more interested/worried about themselves than you.

And how you should just do the things you enjoy because life is too short! This how I feel and what I do when I write and ramble away at this blog! Apparently a small kind handful of people do read(!?)

Oh also I’m trying to care less about audience growth which has always been difficult when social media is designed in such a demanding, attention grabbing way haha I don’t know if I’ll ever stop caring completely since other peeps seem to have more engagement.

I did have a sinking feeling and feel sad when I saw my twitter follower metrics (since I’ve lost the thing that blocks the metrics due to the computer situation). The count hasn’t changed in years. I don’t know if I’ll ever reach 2000 followers – I’ve been hoping for a long time and I guess I don’t want to use twitter enough to thrive there. I don’t think I’m reaching much people so even my current follower count is a lie. Once you put out a tweet, it lasts for a short while before it’s lost in the void. It feels hopeless unless your stuff is being shared, shown to people or even seen by your followers.

I’m actually doing a tiny bit better on instagram…or they’re probably the same :/ I haven’t been able to reach 500 followers for ages. My reels do much more worse than my image posts too. I’ll continue to use instagram as a supplementary thing.

Cohost…did people lose interest? I stopped posting because it’s a pain to keep having to log back in. I don’t even know if people use cohost or mastodon anymore :/

I keep being told that Youtube is the way but it’s super saturated and much more difficult.

Yeah I’ve been rambling about, venting and managing social media for years and it’s always changing and a struggle to adapt according to my personal boundaries. My tolerance for its demands are not as high anymore :’)

Finally some form of community is important but I’ve yet to figure out where I fit in with that in a sustainable way for my terrible energy levels. Discord communities can get too overwhelming and I don’t really want to manage one. Is there an easier way to have a community? Or maybe I’m only able to handle being a lurker 🙁

I’m sure there’s more life lessons! Which life lessons do you need to be mindful of?

Why are things so expensive

Since my last post – how do people do this?!! My wallet is bleeding. Oof :’)

I’m just feeling the pain from the computer shenanigans and venting on how everything and the cost of living is generally more expensive. Also a motherboard that I picked could be better so I got recommended another model but it’s more expensive; getting my computer happening will consequently take longer and beyond even next week 🙁 They’re only available/able to reply one email a work day so it takes longer.

Yes I need to be patient, these things need time!! ;’)

I guess these are things I should be doing (ie expensive drives, back ups, knowing what I’m doing with components and whatnot) but didn’t because it costs so much and I’m a stingy, frugal person a lot of the time 🙁

I did take a peep at desk pads and nothing really lasts long…I don’t know :< And also speakers because I don’t have any speakers – I’m confused with all the choices and brands!! And I when I look for quality stuff it’s too much for a non audio person like me and/or too expensive for me. I also don’t have much desk space for fancy, quality speakers…it’s definitely another rabbit hole I am ignorant about! Maybe some other day :S

Gosh I am also forced to get Windows 11 which becomes spyware/bloatware if you don’t somehow bypass the Microsoft account thing. I’m overwhelmed thinking about all the stuff I have to work out and do once I do actually get my orders. I really, really hope I get my stuff back ahhhh :’)

I’m building a side table as well so that I don’t use an inconvenient chair anymore to prop up my computer tower haha

Gosh feeling poorer continues; we’re all dealing with the cost of living indeed and it feels hopeless at time :’)

I had to ask for hugs for emotional support like a sad, anxious butt haha…

And my current laptop setup is really not ergonomic so it’s been painful too I’m just hanging in there ahhh 🙁

Well I just have to keep on juggling part time work, learning, art and life shenanigans!

I won’t post any more this month because I am not able to do my usual art right now, am behind of things, have a lot of work ahead of me trying to get, sort and set things up (again I hope I get my stuff back and figure out out to set things up more efficiently and more backed up?? Ahhhh!!), I need to be able to set aside time for games including Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom and Pikmin 4 and I’m really going to be super behind with art making and learning if I don’t space things out. I will definitely burn out otherwise.

I’ve done at least 2 posts this month so I’m good for my slower paced schedule!

Plus this month’s blog posts are not as spaced out as I would have liked since I can’t control when Mario day and St Patrick’s day are ;P

Anyhoo I’ll try to not stress out as much. I don’t know when I don’t have to deal with my computer troubles anymore…sometime in the middle of next month maybe?? I’m also struggling to get through the day…I need more sleep! I got some dreaded health things and eventually a 5th covid booster to do too eventually eep :<

Thank you for understanding. As I ramble and vent here too.

I hope you’re faring okay with your own world of chaos :’)

Let’s do our best this month! May lots of luck and good times come your way!

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