My initial voxel art of me

Leonie rambles about…

Last week, Crossy Road Castle got a release date announcement for next month and media coverage! :0

Bryony Claire videos (CW body image)

• Fake feminist men – wolf in sheep’s clothing | Brosocialism
• The hell of “sad singles” set ups & the need for found family
  • super validating that it’s better to be single than to be married to the wrong, disrespectful person ;P
  • oof well I’m stuck with a messy/dysfunctional/draining/tense time with a family member but it’s something I manage/struggle with :’)
  • it’s also frustrating and alienating when people give advice when I just wanted to vent, process and sort out my feelings
  • found family is definitely important – people who matter and care about you (and it’s respectful and mutual/consenting)
• Office siren trend – “work appropriate” and the ongoing battle of objectification
  • been struggling with this every time I go outside in a professional environment…which is rare nowadays
  • what is appropriate and professional to wear??? :”D
  • there’s no winning since you get judged and in turn also judge/mirror others
  • double standards with body shape, if you’re a person of colour, being judged based on how you look and whether you’re conventionally attractive
  • there’s no such thing as protection and prevention of sexual harrassment when they’d dehumanise/objectify/overpower you anyway; indeed no victim blaming please
  • there’s lots of times where I don’t bother and I used to wear lots of baggy clothes because I don’t want to be perceived and I just want to wear something I’m comfortable with not not have to stress about ;P
  • wait I still I don’t want to be perceived haha
• Women are entering their breakup era – and men are lagging behind
  • oof yeah I already deal with a someone who blames everyone but himself for his own emotional state and problems, has a victim complex, criticises everyone else and makes me anxious all the time around him
    • I don’t want more toxic people in my life
    • they have always moving and unrealistic standards demanded upon others
    • please don’t lash out/dump it on other people
  • I already have my own emotional/personal issues I’m managing – not really up to managing someone else’s as well and I’m not trained for that
  • division of emotional/home/work/financial/physical labour is very important
    • I’m not here only to fix your own problems and responsibilities and nobody else should “fix” mine
    • we’re just managing our own lives and shortcomings and learning along the way
    • striving to do better, asking for help and supporting each other mutually (with personal weaknesses to manage in mind) is great though
  • all of us are at our own journeys in terms of emotional, financial, mental, physical, relational, etc
    • we all need good, respectful friendships, community and support network where there’s mutual effort
    • we need to manage our own social outings and emotional work
    • oof…I don’t have much of the social stuff, mutual effort happening or “discussing trusted secrets/feelings” level of closeness though; whelp :’)
  • makes me glad I’m not settling, it’s sad learning about these dating horror stories
  • safety is also a concern and patriarchy hurts everyone indeed
• 💋👠 shaming, purity culture, and the mess its made
  • I’ve grown up being shamed or whether I was dressing appropriately or not
    • it really doesn’t matter too much and you learn it’s much more flexible as you get older
    • it can get boring/standard as well once you stick to a few outfits that work for you
  • it’s hard to turn off that clothes/body judging and self comparison part of my brain 🙁
  • I do appreciate seeing what people pick to wear because people have their choice of style and their own level of comfort in whatever they choose to wear
• Are we ready for the adults who have grown up online?
  • yeah I’ve been posting since I finished high school so I have my big share of cringe ;P
  • so glad I didn’t have the internet when I was a kid
  • I feel so bad for kids that have their videos/photos out there…they can’t consent
  • I’m mostly a lurker who’s insecure, has low self esteem, don’t feel much people are interested in what I do, feel uneasy about being perceived and don’t want confrontation so blogging is my comfort zone
    • and hey most people don’t want to read ;P
    • I feel like I should do videos that go into what I ramble about at this blog but I don’t have the interest nor time to! I also am just reflecting on things, I’m not trying to teach anything
  • I feel better deleting a lot of things (facebook, tumblr, etc) in the past and now I just have
    • this blog, youtube, discord
    • crosspost to bluesky, linkedin and mastodon (this one is autoposted)
    • not sure about pixiv (can’t log in) and reddit nowadays
  • so much surveillance as we all check on each other’s online history as a rough, imperfect form of checking someone’s background and if they’re “safe” to engage/interact with (even though it’s just their online persona)
  • I don’t mind with what I post since I am who I am
    • if people are intimidated by me then what can I do
    • I’m probably dismissed/ignored due to how I am,
      • my social mistakes,
      • my quiet anxious “vibes”,
      • my choices to keep away from some people I’m not comfortable/creeped out/on guard with,
      • people being rude/assuming/heard bad things about me beforehand (I don’t actually know nor do I really want to),
      • people feeling hurt by my actions
      • complex mess of misinterpretations/misunderstandings from all of the above
      • or some reason or another
    • but I wouldn’t know for sure and it’s out of my control
    • all I can do is just do my best to do better in the present
  • gah I’m an anxious, autistic, quiet, deadpan, overthinking hermit ;P
• Growing up average, comparison and the marks it leaves behind
  • oof yeah I consider myself somewhere average
    • I don’t bother with make up (it feels icky on my face so it’s a sensory thing as well for me)
    • I feel like this makes me more invisible, especially when I don’t dress up
    • I want to feel comfortable and good about myself when I can ;P
  • I got rated as a “7” once (for attractiveness???? )
    • I was thinking: why. I don’t care, I didn’t ask to be rated like a product ;P
    • No specifics but I didn’t want to associate myself with that guy anymore…so I kept away :’)
    • there’s also a few teaching/mentor figures being vaguely creepy too and when I was more dumb, naive, slow
      • I focused on learning and making the most of my time there and kept on guard though
    • just puts me on edge and creeped out when people are inappropriate and judge/rate/view me this way
    • racism and other kinds of discrimination does play a part
  • there’s been times I just get ignored or people just dismiss me too due to disinterest or whatever attractiveness/appearance judgement being made about my nerdy appearance
    • especially the globally attractive and locally attractive people
  • I’m more than my appearance – disrespectful jerks!!
  • I do feel like I’m more on edge since I don’t trust, respect nor like someone just for their appearance
    • sure aesthetic/visual attraction exists and usually that’s all it is because I don’t know them
    • but I need to know, like, respect, trust, befriend you as a good, close person before I can consider anything else
    • that’s just rare when we’re all flawed, fickle people dealing with our own things, struggles, have other priorities and closer friendships/relationships
    • I also need to be careful of depending and expecting too much on one person – as a hermit who doesn’t have lots of friends :’)
  • oh I was scolded for not being ladylike, being rude and being manly
    • over time I didn’t care but just annoyed that it was supposed to be an insult
    • or I get shamed when I attempt to dress up also
    • and that I’m not covered up enough!
    • Or I’m too light or dark with my skin!!
    • Or too fat! Or I “didn’t change”!
    • Or I’m brainless!
    • I can’t win :’)
    • indeed I don’t want to be subservient, get moulded, undervalued, taken advantage of, pressured, scapegoated, feel naive and feel horrible about myself ;(
  • body neutrality – I try to do this too when I first heard about it but it’s not easy
    • trying to enjoy life is hard when your anxious, sad mind gets in the way ;0
    • am trying my best to not let stress eating get the better or me – it’s hard when it’s winter…
• Oversharing, Trauma Dumping, Cringe, and our hatred of vulnerability
  • yeah I tend to overshare and people get scared off, stay quiet and listen or engage
  • I get to express myself and stay a bit more true to myself depending on the mood/vibe/atmosphere
  • I will stop and tone it down if they’re just not interested and put up walls – which is understandably usually the case ;P
  • I tend to type more to express myself because people misunderstand me while in person, I’m just quietly overwhelmed processing many stimulating things and figuring out what’s important to communicate
• Man or bear: how women’s safety issues came out of the woods
  • again I don’t feel safe (lots of potential horrible, traumatic things and life/death)
  • I do get how men feel hurt by being generalised like this
  • ultimately survival mode comes first because I/we’ve been conditioned to have to protect ourselves and be on guard from being alone with men/strangers due to how we were brought up, past horrible experiences, boundaries violated, unbalanced power dynamics, sexual harassment and not wanting to be scapegoated and not taken seriously even if we’re the victim
  • indeed even some men in our lives warn us about other men

Learning about PowaPowaP/siinamota songs and depression (not in depth)

CW: suicide and dark thoughts, please don’t read/listen if you are not in a great mental state. Take care of yourself and take what I say with a grain of salt…I’m not a mental health professional and just reflecting here based from my limited experiences.

• stumbled upon this PowaPowP Girl A song that was actually depressing, dark and saddening and lots of suicide ideation and learning that he took his own life at 20 years old during 2015
  • it got stuck in my head for many days too so it often saddened me out the more I recall his songs in my mind
• I’m learning all this from all the youtube comments
• got into the depressing rabbit hole of listening to his heartbreaking songs of pain, thoughts and on leaving this world Dream Inside a Dream
• Goodbye Everyone where it’s happy and upbeat because he’s finding peace in his resolution to end things as much as he looks back at some good things and he’s still in pain and in tears…
• Please Give Me a Red Pen where he posted this song and then left this world half an hour later;
  • he believes his life is a rating of 0 and wants to reset and do over his life with a red pen
  • the piano keys mashed at the end really hits horribly; someone said it sounded like he’s just given up
  • it’s haunting, heartbreaking and a tragedy
• Healthy End his final song posted after with a help of his friend to do the video
  • The War Within Me / him actually singing a demo of this song…
  • really difficult to listen to and his breaking voice
• A Palette Full of You – how he sees his struggles with growing up and adulthood (eventually losing yourself) and he doesn’t want to be an adult
• the dangers of spiraling too far within the prison of your own mind…
• I hope he rests in peace; a huge loss for everyone
  • I’m just another random person that stumbled upon his music
  • I do wish he was still around
  • all I can do is appreciate the music he left behind, on the things I relate with and reflect on my own life too
• I mean I have had dark thoughts from overwhelm, self doubt, (self and external) pressures, helplessness, existentialism, isolation and loneliness but I wasn’t seriously intending to hurt myself
  • I’m too much of an anxious coward
• I just want to escape into games and light romance fiction (which I have quit for 2 months now since I get too addicted and neglected sleep! I know if I go back I’ll get sucked into it again and get even less done)
  • it used to be games that I was addicted to…
  • but at times these helped me get through some tough times too
• I did have thoughts of not wanting to grow up,
  • the anxiety,
  • doom and gloom of feeling trapped in a meaningless cycle of existence,
  • feeling doomed in trying to survive in a world rigged against how I function
  • and not believing there’s anything better for me out there
  • what I enjoy doing is not really suitable for social group things haha
  • is there a future??? Am I doomed to limited options with my life and as an artist?
  • Did I waste too much time, lost too many opportunities with experiences, jobs, people and friendships and it’s too late for me??
    • I wasted(?) so much time on my previous career also and got shamed, bullied and hurt for how incompetent I was at a job that I can’t mentally process, juggle, handle…
    • Conflicted…I don’t really want to sacrifice my mental wellbeing just to survive and fit into what I’m “supposed” to achieve/experience in life
    • I’ve shutdown and burnt out too many times in the past from it :’)
    • And yet I know it’s sometimes a necessary but unsustainable thing many have to do…
  • Can I thrive as a hermit when that’s when I’m most energised??
  • Who will actually care/like/love me as I am???
  • Are people thinking terrible things about me or I did something wrong and I have been kept in the dark all this time?
• just wondering what would happen if I just disappeared, will anyone really care?
  • feeling insignificant and alone
• ultimately you have to be the one that deals and manages with your own demons and struggles on a day to day basis
  • even therapy is a support, guide, mental health check up in itself – it is not the “fix”
  • also vent and discuss it with someone you trust and/or your private journal (please do let it out in healthy and not harmful ways)
  • find trusted resources for help as I’m just some silly artist on the internet
• I mean I’m kind of in my hermit comfort zone now :’)
  • I feel like I should be exploring places but I’d want to do with together with great, supportive company with minimal stress trying to plan/organise/maximise the “not too intense adventure”
  • and if I could afford it…
• I do treat this blog as my journal but I don’t really share super private things
  • just things relevant to art, learning and personal issues without being too specific about things and other people
    • I don’t know if I’m sharing too much gahhh
    • am I even making sense in my rambling haha
    • I also embrace learning and changing my mind along the way here too
  • I’m not sure if I want to do a private journal as I end up wallowing and spiraling in my own negativity, frustration and anxiety in the past :’)
• 8 Oddly Specific Symptoms of Depression (Dr Scott Eilers)
  • wow…well I think I had the addictive escapism part where I felt more emotions from silly romantic fiction instead of my actual life :’)
  • at times I fall into it too, especially when I’m a hermit
  • does that mean I have had depression at times? I don’t know about that
  • the soul deep tiredness, angry perfectionism, feeling numb to achievements, chronic sense of displacement yeah I’ve had these before
  • I’m more neutral while stress and overwhelm makes me more frustrated, snappy and resentful
    • happens if I’m not self aware and go too far over my personal limits/boundaries 🙁
    • managing it is difficult because life happens or you mentally just don’t want to do what your brain wants you to do and need time and space away from things

Other internet finds

• Australia’s huge mistake of selling all their water (oh…I didn’t know this was a thing…)
• Why so few people catch buses in Melbourne
  • well I do hate how infrequent it is 🙁
• When Sydney lounge ads invaded Melbourne TV (David M. Green)
  • I wondered why about these ads!!
• You are going to lose your hearing (Esh Tatla) interview with ear surgeon (summary notes)
  • hearing loss types
    • damage to the inner ear
    • buildup of earwax
    • ear infection
    • ruptured eardrum
    • aging / genetics
  • keep sound exposure below 80DB (noise level chart)
    • else you need earplugs/protection if exposed beyond 80DB
  • earphones listen below 60%
  • ractice good ear hygiene
  • no cotton buds/liquids/anything smaller than your elbow into your ear canal (in the ear hole)
    • as it will increase ear infections and ear drum rupture
    • aw man I still attempt to loosen out ear wax with my fingers at the ear hole opening :’)
  • getting pain or discharge? get it checked
• it’s interesting how memes and entertainment take over serious, complex things…
• learning about MrBeast and his company’s horrific issues and certain people still backing him or just keeping silent
• The future of content addiction (Modern Ideas)
• Watched Breakout 13
  • a Chinese FMV game that’s based on a true story and how there’s other inhumane internet addiction behavioural correction bootcamps where parents just “fix” their kids by sending them away, face corporal punishment and not really taking responsibility themselves
  • there’s microtransactions in this game to throw eggs or throw roses at the characters to get their character profile info and bonus videos/scenes??
  • great acting and production though
  • it’s sad that the real doctor/principal it was based on is still out there doing whatever electrotherapy he’s doing

Personal update

Slowly back to cleaning and sanitising stuff from the mice infestation – progress!! Sad that I didn’t get other things done. And managing my eczema from too much hand washing…it’s irritating me 🙁

I’m not as sick anymore but a lot of dry coughing now :<

Work routine, deadlines and things changing so going to need time to get used to it starting from this week. Also lots of stress, dread and pressures happening with people around me and with myself so just trying to listen (to others) and do my best managing on a day to day basis as usual :’)

Note I’ll try posting at night like what I’m doing with this post! Trying to post in the mornings is not working out for me when I’m also juggling other things. Finding that I keep making mistakes, it always stuffs up my other routines, attempts to sleep in and I can’t juggle it all anymore.

It’s a busy week with work so after posting this I’ll run off juggling the next thing and try to keep stress levels low haha

---