Leonie’s art from the past week

At this point, I don’t know if I should continue doing traditional pieces because I could do digital sketches instead that fits more with illustration work. Well this is fun though so I’ll do what works for me :<

#64 Hello my food

Chirp!

#65 Happy Rex!

#66 Linkle

I wasn’t sure if I should show this one on twitter but I’ve put out Zelda fanart out there before ;P

#67 Quiet time – Knight of Hearts

I’m slowing down & learning 💙
I don’t celebrate it but Merry Holidays full of love, joy and kindness with your loved ones & friends 🎄💝✨

I don’t have the right colours but you make do with what you got! That’s what’s fun about traditional work because you improvise! 😀

So to recap on 2019 happenings:

• I did my first overseas vacation through my first visit to Japan. I don’t think I’ve publicly shared photos from this because I lost my job towards the end of the trip and that took over my life. Maybe one day I’ll do art based on my adventures there instead :’)
• got let go of my first indie game artist studio job of 3 years but I’m grateful to have worked with the Mighty team for that long! Relieved that they’re doing fine now.
  • learned lots and gained a gaming buddy!
  • it was probably time for me to move on because I was burning out, I was better as a freelancer and jobs in the industry just don’t last if you don’t want to adapt into a generalist game artist (like me). I didn’t want to be a general game artist in the first place – I just wanted to help with what I can instead.
• consequently mental health spiraled down and I needed to figure out what to do with my career. Still figuring that out as nothing is stable and clear.
• have gotten gloomy and stressed out heaps this year as I struggled to manage constant uncertainty and self doubt. Lots of mental health and feelings to figure out.
• managing my perfectionism and performance anxiety better but not there yet, it’s ongoing
• freelancing had lots of dry seasons this year and lessons learned too. Especially when it comes to doing multiple revisions and iterations that stress me out 🙁
  • it’s hard to balance between solving the art problem while striving to make things clear with time, iterations, changes and scope. Something that’s a case by case basis really :S
• became much more of a frugal, reclusive hermit and isolated from the industry and people. Most drift away, most catch ups don’t happen anymore, realising that it’s not likely to get any better and I should accept & move on
  • hey some wonderful people helped me along the way too, in both little and direct ways
  • I’m vaguely in online contact with 2 or so people now? And maybe passively with others through online lurking but I won’t count those :S
  • let’s say friendships are hard when you’re a stubborn homebody like me
• feeling slowly and gradually better that I’m just not part of the games community anymore, not that I was heavily part of it in the first place. Social crowded events are draining and I don’t have much energy or interest right now. I’m a grumpy lady ;P
• learning and reading about business stuff
  • there’s so much emphasis on being an entrepreneur and going for big clients, products, services and branding but I realise I just want to be better at art, be a “technician” for now where I just design and illustrate for myself and for people for a living :’) I’m not “out there” and in demand enough to be an entrepreneur right now.
  • the application is much more trial and error all the same so I just go with the flow, learn through experience and do my best at this point
  • many freelance artists are just dipping in different revenue streams to keep afloat like prints, patreon, youtube, merch, tutorials, books, products, cons, commissions, streaming and whatnot :0 Meanwhile I’m just focused on freelance work with the side help of Patreon because I greatly lack in the support of a substantial, engaged audience who would actually buy and support my work enough for me to survive from. Cannot rush these things and will have to keep trying different things when able :<
  • don’t do stickers and merch again until I actually do have demand. I have a bunch of stickers nobody wants to pay for ;P
• later in the year I did some commissions and rare contract work when I thought all hope was lost with freelancing
• learning that I’m somewhere on the autism spectrum since last year (undiagnosed so see a section below about it)
• worked part time on voxel art again for a while as I don’t mind doing simple voxel art for others
• watched streams, shows, movies, dramas and musicals
• Link’s Awakening, Mario Maker 2, Tetris 99, Picross, Untitled Goose game, Luigi’s Mansion 3, Ring Fit Adventure and probably more I forgot!
• got myself exercising where possible and Ring Fit Adventure has made it so fun to be active everyday (if able) and push my limits at my own pace 😀 Getting sweaty too and noting how weak I am :’) I hope to keep playing it, do yoga where I can fit it in and be more healthy physically and mentally in 2020!
• fighting with self doubt and tolerating a grumpy toxic family member everyday; dealing with a bunch of tense family drama sometimes :’)
• cooking basic lunch everyday now and being the manual dish washer continues. I’m just glad I don’t have bugs trying to get into my food anymore 😛
  • some cooking mistakes happened too haha
  • cooking on my terms is fun and chill though time consuming! Freedom to change things up is welcome though.
• generally I feel hungry for different food and hoping to eat out occasionally when I’m bothered :’)
• I cut my own hair because hair salons are pricey, woo! It actually turned out alright, even though I struggled to see the back of my head :0
• public transport is getting expensive next year – nine dollars for a day if I were to go into the city!! Also summer here is apparently going to be pretty hot and bad (heatwave levels due to climate change) so I might just stay in during January and February, not by choice. Oof! :<

I’m sure I’ve missed some things. Lots of troubling ongoing global and local news too but I won’t go into that here. A mixed bag where I’m just grateful I’m not completely doomed as I catastrophised!

Learning about being neurodivergent! [skip as this is long!]

Even though I was not formerly diagnosed with it, my psychologist last year agreed that I have mild autism. Or whatever terminology they use nowadays. All the experiences, struggles with crushes, friendships, people, my naive way of understanding the world and social environments that I have had up to now made more sense. It’s another, “oh I don’t feel as alone now!”

Much relief was felt as I’m understanding why I get easily overwhelmed with the outside world and other people :’) How I always feel like I’m adapting myself all over again and feel so emotionally drained with every new, complex, unpredictable person I meet. How I play as the overly friendly persona especially in earlier years to cope with what I thought was “pleasant social human behaviour” and then people feeling weird when I shut down and run out of energy and expression fast haha.

Overall I feel super reluctant to emotionally invest into new people. It’s a lot of emotional work and time to even open up .__.

How I’m not interested in most things and people thanks to my tunnel vision, nitpicky-ness and ignorance. But I’m open to just listen and learn! Hey I know my hermit knowledge is limited. People consequently think I’m boring and shy.

How I am slow with understanding what everyone else deems as “common sense” – subtle communication!

• I assume people are speaking at face value and the best intentions at first, because why should I over exert myself trying to read between the lines? And stress myself over negative interpretations and impressions?
  • when I feel something’s off about you, or your actions don’t match what you say, or you’re just rude to me and hurt my feelings or I’m not comfortable around you then my brain loops in circles trying to figure you out and read between the lines :’) Something just doesn’t feel right and other times I don’t want to impatiently jump to conclusions.
  • still other people’s intentions, motives, cues and body language often goes over my sad, oblivious head :’)
  • I know assumptions can be dangerous and lazy so I try to hone my impressions the more I learn; it’s my way to cope and understand other humans
  • I’m just not comfortable, lazy and clumsy at communicating and reading nuanced emotions. Lacking in self awareness at times. It can be lots of reasons, in the given moment.
  • dealing with someone’s reactions and feelings is scary and uncomfortable too!
• I do not like indirect, subtle communication as it’s confusing. Dishonest and misleading at worst when I feel like there’s an underlying agenda within someone based from my gut feelings.
  • unfortunately everyone and including myself does subtle things because it’s hard to directly express them. And face the aftermath and reaction.
  • no clue whether you’re sad or angry or tired or chilling – you need to be super obvious or I’ll just keep second guessing. I don’t fully understand another’s complex mind. Hey maybe you have a deadpan face like me too!
  • all the same I do wish that people can just tell me what they need, are clear on what they’re expecting and ask sometimes. Sure maybe my ego will be hurt and I’ll need time to process but ultimately I’m open to doing better. I don’t like it when people do things for me when I don’t know what I did wrong :< Don’t treat it like common sense please.
  • how do people handle this? When I’m feeling like I have enough, I just shut people out because they’re not being honest with me and keeping me at a distance anyway ;P
• I try to be tactful and direct the more I respect I have with peeps and the more I hang out with them though. I have no time for subtle games so I tend to be no-nonsense and serious until I really warm up to you, understand you and your way of communication ;P Otherwise it’s: “Oh, you were joking. Whoops.”

Stimming

I think I stim by wrangling with my hands and fingers when I’m nervous, thinking hard and while talking to somebody? Or twirl my hair, jiggle my leg or at times I just move and step about. Things I’m not super conscious of. I’m a socially inexperienced soul so it’s been a while ;P

Overwhelm that happens with groups and people talking over each other

First I want to say that Hannah Gadsby is a treasure, since watching Nanette last year and a few other of her interviews left a lasting impression. This recent interview in particular about her autism diagnosis – on how she’s just overwhelmed when there’s a group conversation and how she’s deadpan with expressing her emotions – I relate completely. It’s super hard socialising for me too as I’m bad at fully adapting to others because it’s so draining and it feels even more alienating. I don’t like it when people talk over each other and there’s more than one person to talk to – I just tune out and go into super listen mode ;P

Yes I know that people aren’t being intentionally rude and that’s how lots of people communicate – even I interrupt when I’m in engaging tight knit conversations at times! But generally I just get overwhelmed, shut down and can’t participate anymore in social, talkative groups. My overstimulated brain’s just trying to conserve energy and figuring out what’s going on so I just don’t talk anymore unless I’m asked a question.

No thanks if I’m being pressured to mingle in social crowds…get me out of there!! Indeed, that’s pretty much conventions and conferences – it explains a lot why I feel so upset during those things! Leave me out of your noisy parties! I don’t want to stress and feel constantly abandoned and alienated. It’s super discouraging to feel so alone among so many people. Just enjoy it without me!

Let me know if it’s a one to one catch up instead! Or quiet, tiny group meeting where I don’t have to talk :’)

If I’m not in a social mood, I just avoid eye contact.

And that’s my default :’) I don’t have energy or patience to be social for hours so social experiences are limited. I probably get misunderstood plenty. I can exist and not talk at all within a social environment.

• but I *need* something to do!! Like a game or eating and things to learn :< Just tell me how to help out that’s not centred on talking to people 😛
• or I can just sit there and chill if people aren’t creeped out by that haha
• when it’s mostly strangers I run out of energy within less than hour and don’t want to introduce myself to people anymore repetitively. I’m pooped and get into a zombie state. Unfortunately I push myself anyway because it’s already rare that I get to get out at all :’)
• how peer pressure and approval doesn’t really affect me. I don’t care about getting stuff I don’t need. I only get things because I want it too. I can’t pretend to care or be interested too long – I think most people can see I’m faking it and just mirroring them eventually

Small talk – no thanks.

I find my own day boring. I know that’s what makes it interesting and pleasant for some but not for me. Let’s talk about your day, or games, movies and deeper topics instead 😛 I think I get quiet, boring and give dead end answers when it comes to small talk.

I’m fine with not being “a joy to be around”. And when I’m exhausted with putting on a social, friendly mask, I quietly sit around until people initiate or it’s time to leave :0

I’m unapproachable with my deadpan resting face

• especially when I’m lost within my own thoughts and mind. I’m not bothered to wear social masks most of the time. I’m just being myself and thinking things
• when people ask me “are you ok?” because of my inexpressive face, I’m just overwhelmed, thinking, zoning out and tired usually. This is how I usually am when I’m not putting on an extroverted mask
• I live in my mind so people assume I believe that I’m too good and arrogant for them apparently? But I’m not special, I just don’t want to talk to most people or I’m just chilling and listening.
• people are scared of me I guess :S
• for better or worse, I tend to keep social connections and experiences minimal so I don’t have to put on social faces on all the time. Conserving mental energyyyy
• how I don’t have an emotional, bubbly, nurturing, warm, outgoing, charismatic, flirty exterior nature at all. I’m more of a low key, low-drama, blunt, internally emotional, independent, quiet butt who values freedom, personal space, intellectual & emotional connection, drive and growth.
• when people expect me to emotionally express stuff often, I just awkwardly look at the ground and elsewhere instead. Touchy feely stuff is very awkward for me! I can write sentimental stuff in my blog but I can’t say soap opera, mushy words in person! I’ll give hugs if I’m comfortable around you though
• I might seem insensitive with my underdeveloped emotional maturity. It’s just super emotional and energy-consuming to sympathise deeply with other people :’) You can’t force anybody to have certain feelings, just to make you feel better.
• like anyone else, I’ve been hurt many times before so I don’t trust easily anyway
• if I don’t show much emotions, I’m just not showing them to you with my barriers and guard up. I take a while to trust and open up and I don’t like being pressured to overshare in person, just because you shared (and/or you read my blog)

Having to be in control, standards and overthinking

• how I need to be mentally prepared for adventures beforehand with planning – order and predictability is preferred but I’m not too afraid of change as long as it’s for the better
  • I’m not good with too much spontaneity all the same! I keep to my morning routine where possible 😛
• how I have a fear of uncertainty and get stressed, have concerns and worry about how others think at times. I express my emotions more (at least in this blog) because I know that writing it out here helps me and other people are wiser than I am
• I need to control my own environment and routine at times but sometimes you have to compromise!
  • I do get grumpy if my routine is stuffed up and I have to somehow improvise and compromise :< I get stressed out and make frustrated noises haha
  • addicted to planning but I enjoy planned unstructured time the best! I just doing what I can with my time and decompress
• get obsessed, narrow minded and impatient with my goals and desires sometimes. But now I’m willing to do other things along the way, as long as I still get what I want and am productive. It depends.
• I think too much and about possible outcomes
  • is it worth my effort? Attention? Dedication? Feelings? What’s the better solution? What’s acceptable? What will happen if we went with this path? Where did I go wrong? How didn’t I see this coming? Why were they ignoring me? Why did they lie? Why did they make this decision? Why do I feel alone again? Why do we have to do it this way?
  • people assume I’m feeling something negative when I’m just thinking lots haha
  • I’ll get into a loop if I don’t understand it. Seeking facts, coherence and clarity – at this point I might ask for help from someone I trust if I feel like I’m going nowhere and making life harder for myself
  • sometimes it’s just something simple; I need reminding that not everything is solvable and I have to let go and move on
• I need to have some creativity in solving problems. I don’t like being led to believe that I have freedom and autonomy and suddenly I get reined in, just to execute someone else’s solution. A frustrating, disappointing and boring situation. I’ll have to make something about it interesting again :’)
• I have delayed emotions and sometimes they come out in bursts, aside from menstrual mood swings. Striving to not bottle it up as they bite me back later with a depressed, unproductive, grumpy mood.
• having plenty of tension and struggles with self worth and respect plus many internalised, impossible, perfectionist standards to judge myself against
  • taking refuge within my mind and self criticising myself first to avoid external judgement and to cope with being misunderstood
• how I tend to work on things that make sense to me and are important to the project. I’m not keen on repetitive tasks that get overridden and I feel like I’m second guessing what people want.
• how I deconstruct and rebuild things in order to understand it and go along with my own process. I have to “invent the wheel” in order to understand clearly for better or worse.
  • and then combine things in my own way! Too bad I don’t have the luxury of time when it’s for work :<
  • how I often ask what methods makes sense and works when problem solving
  • how after much listening, reading and research, I need time to figure out the answers on my own without social or time pressure too
  • I’m restless to learn more and I can’t chill for long. Silly perfectionism! Spending too much time nitpicking things that people don’t care about
  • application and implementation of knowledge in the external world is less important to me. The process of learning is the appeal for me. If something is interesting I get carried away learning about it and then after my curiosities are satisfied, I move on.
  • I want to hone myself to the best I can. I see flaws in myself and in others as I struggle with expectations
• look at this list making ;D
• being ambitious and independent! I have big visions but I realise the team needs to be on board and care as much as I do to make it work so I don’t bother ;P
  • I’ll probably do it alone if I could but I can’t. I also need to respect the leader for me to be on board with them.
  • just because most people says it is so, doesn’t mean it’s right
  • I need meaning, purpose and to feel capable and effective
• being intense – I take things seriously too much at times :’)
• closed minded – as much as I research, I do have my own biases and perspective. Open to be proven wrong with facts, insights and evidence from people I respect and trust

Relationships and friendships

• how I believe that a close intellectual and emotional connection through compatibility, direct communication, acceptance, respect, mutual investment, comfort, shared interests/hobbies, affection and helping each other to reach each other’s life goals is most important to me when it comes to strong relationships and friendships.
  • space to be an introvert and independent too!
  • yes I know I need to ignore uninterested/unavailable people and actually spend time with people to find compatible people. Ironic since I’m usually the unavailable, hermit myself ;P
• physical attraction and first impressions are secondary to the bond, affection, love, respect, joy, support, kindness and trust that grows stronger between minds and souls for a relationship (gosh I’m sappy)
  • but then again I have no experience with relationships/dating and I’m not a social or family kind of person. I’m usually closed up, oblivious, bad at flirting, the physical affection stuff and rarely open up for potential dating anyway.
  • I don’t want too much sweet talk as it feels too flowery, “too sappy to be true” and hyperbolic like the usual romance, fantasy movies. I observe actions and quality time more than words :V
• life without drama, gossip and bullying please! Else I would rather be alone than in be in a non-functional/abusive relationship or friendship
• how I don’t need huge groups of friends to feel accepted. Downside is that it’s lonely and I’m not physically strong to do everything on my own :’)
• how I keep feelings and expressing love and kindness private with special people. Not great at “flirting” either.
  • I’m not that comfortable with saying and expressing “I love you” directly with people unless I fully mean it with certainty, security, trust, affection, support and honesty. I need a strong, mutual feeling of being special, cared for and loved.
• I don’t really call out anybody at this blog unless I want to praise, thank or credit friends, people I’ve worked with and peeps I don’t know 😀 I don’t really want to call out family or everything else I do with people because privacy! :0
• those in my special circle are rare and I selectively choose and allow them to be part of my life because they’ve earned my trust and respect.
  • takes several years for a friendship to become a close one ;P If I deem you worthy, I reveal more about myself but if I see any flinching or disappointing behaviour, I seal up. There’s been a lot of sealing up in past handful of years.
• privacy is different depending on who you’re with:
  • people who are jerks to me – muted, blocked and/or ignored. Not in my life anymore.
  • strangers and casual acquaintances is surface level, polite
  • casual friends and colleagues varies depending on how well I know them and it’s usually seasonal, industry or workplace oriented rather than personal.
    • people who use business/industry emails and/or eventually stop responding to me
    • most won’t read this blog. I get a little spooked when people somehow know things about me and don’t tell me that they read my blog ;P
    • most become casual acquaintances again, people come and go with their own adventures. Effort is not made anymore and paths diverge!
  • good friends are closer, maintained and ongoing, no matter the season of life.
    • it depends on how comfortable and safe I am with them
    • I don’t know what’s happening with them still because their social media posts aren’t the whole story.
    • most won’t read this blog either, a few kindly do! <3
    • they usually have their own best friends, friend groups, loved ones and lives to sustain them
    • sometimes they become casual friends again and it’s sad but necessary to let go. Priorities and people change after all.
    • we’re able to talk about some things! I guess I’m impersonal :<
    • some I might see them once a year or more if I’m lucky ;0
  • best friend, partner (if I had one) and immediate family is a day to day/regular basis.
    • usually the most trust and respect here; there’s nowhere to hide ;P
    • they don’t read this because it’s too much info ;P
    • people who I can talk anything about and actually talk about important, current information, feelings, boring day to day things and issues.
  • me and myself! And not being “fake” with myself as I ramble some of my personal thoughts here.

Work related

• how I see work as a business thing than a social thing – I’m more focused on performance, independence, freedom, respect than being too friendly and social at work. Too many hats to handle for me!
  • I don’t make time to do other activities outside of work either.
  • It takes years for me to even warm up to a few people sometimes ;P
  • still I do have feelings and there are times where I’ve been rejected multiple times because I tried to befriend people at workplaces in the past. There’s always a limit and professional wall where I’m just simply incompatible as a friend to most people. The reality is that I can’t befriend everyone at work and that’s too exhausting! No one’s to blame.
• office politics and little friendship/team groups go over my oblivious head
  • all I hope for is to work well together for the project, keep it professional and then move on.
  • feelings aren’t hurt anymore since I’m a freelance hermit now with some distance :’)
• how I tend to work alone or in small like-minded groups or I get overwhelmed. I enjoy being efficient and free from the expectations of others and not having to wait ;D
• how I feel humbled to work and learn with the people I admire, respect and who are ambitious, patient, understanding, smart and kind
• how I don’t enjoy the spotlight and I’d rather be behind the scenes. But I don’t want to be completely over taken, ignored and invisible by more popular, vocal people just because I’m under the radar. It’s a mixed bag.
• how I’m fiercely independent, a perfectionist and often miss out due to my lack interest in social norms, promotions and opportunities – to my detriment. People in the past had to pressure and believe in me for me to actually do anything about it :’)

On energy levels

• how I enjoy solitude to recharge, relax and I need lots of alone time. This makes me aloof and it probably makes people feel rejected, alone and excluded 🙁
• I love my introverted isolation more than doing things outside to make things happen. Outside stuff is mentally draining so I do it sparingly and do it in a prepared way. Yes I know I can’t always be a hermit! :’)
• when I’m alone, I’m just a blank, thinking, quiet, low-energy butt ;P

Autism Diagnosis?

I’m not keen on getting an actual diagnosis as that’s unnecessary and expensive. I don’t need a list of questions to determine who I am. It’s pretty clear to me that I’m somewhere in the middle of the spectrum and that’s good for me.

I’m not actively looking for other people who have autism either because after lots of reading and watching Youtubers who have it in the past, everyone on the spectrum is dealing with different or similar experiences and struggles too. I am not keen on being an expert or be vocal about it either because I’m not interested in filling that kind of role in the public spotlight for others. Please do your own research because I don’t know everything and I don’t want this to define me. Anyhoo I’m just okay talking about it in this blog post as I work things out ;D

Consequently in the past year I’ve been learning how to adapt with my weaknesses and focus on my strengths the most. I’m not great at it but hey it’s a lifelong journey. I am super picky with who I accept as long term friends so I’m prioritising the few friendships I have in my life really. Always learning to be better within my limits/boundaries.

Huzzah

Finally I’m grateful that the few peeps I’ve already talked to about my undiagnosed autism are pretty cool and supportive about it! Thank you for accepting a little alien like me!! <3

One way I cope with it is to see everyone else as aliens. As that’s how it feels to me sometimes.

I want to keep leveling up in 2020! Taking a break! Let’s see how far I can go!

This means I’ll do more studies so maybe I should tone down on the long rambles and not bother doing self help notes. It’s super time consuming! That’s why I squished lots of my notes here in this blog because it wasn’t worth toiling over this in future blog posts when I’m not trying to be a life coach. I felt like I was procrastinating from what I really want to do :’)

Overall there’s been lots to juggle in the past year and my focus was all over the place. Thanks fears and doubts!

My main focus from here will be freelance work (if I have any), on learning and updating my progress at my blog! 😀 I’ll do personal art and cute characters where able! I’ll see how I juggle along the way!

I’ve run out of buffer with art so I’m taking most of January off with posting and taking a break off social media. So Patrons especially please note I’ll be pausing Patreon support for a month when the first week of February comes around for January.

And yes I pushed the blog post to Sunday mornings because last week I still had stuff to add during Saturday right when I was supposed to post too! Turns out after trying it out, I need to change the day so I have more time to add content and feel less stressed about it :’)

When I get back, I will play it by ear and switch between weekly and fortnightly where needed. Sometimes I need more time between posts to hibernate, learn and make art again! At the very least I’m striving for two fortnightly blog posts a month. Thank you for understanding as I change my schedule and juggle things :’) <3

Animal Crossing Sidenote: I hope to get a few friends on discord to arrange shenanigans for new Animal Crossing adventures too. Maybe! I don’t know how Animal Crossing works as a newbie. It sound sad but I hope to get friends I can depend on through this game :’)