Character design + illustration / Bowl of Mystery with Paw Paw + MondayLeonieUpdate!
In this MondayLeonieUpdate:
- finished my Paw Paw character illustration from last week! :’D
- personal update: 2020 is a year of clarity, narcissistic fathers & ramble on aspie/autism shutdown and emotional withdrawal
- my birthday happened: reflecting on mortality, getting older, relationships & my career
- game thoughts on Crash 4, Min Min in Smash Ultimate, trailers and more
- Leonie’s Animal Crossing update + gaming shenanigans!
Hey it’s Paw Paw (婆婆) from my Bowl of Mystery Project!
Finished the illustration I started from my first post about this! Yay!
Changed her name to Paw Paw as it sounds more accurate to the pronunciation. Yes I’m calling it Bowl of Mystery now that I’m not doing the challenge to the deadline anymore ;D
Apologies I rushed to finish this – super late into the morning. I’m pretty much slow and sleep deprived today again. I really need to slowly build a buffer so I’m not working at super late hours and depriving myself of sleep :’)
Character design & illustration stages!
Story about her development here! Hope to polish up more sketches of her (:
Personal update & ramble time! 2020 is a year of clarity indeed
Reflecting and my outlet on the horrible things in the past week so feel free to skip if you need an emotional break from all that:
- been feeling depressed, upset, emotionally drained and disappointed from all the horrible, discriminatory, abusive, work crunch, predatory, metoo things coming out about games industry, animation industry, entertainment industries and from streamer people in recent weeks, months (and over the years) :'(
- I can’t even read and feel out of the loop about all of them; I’m just tired and don’t really know most people outed
- been keeping track of that same, one case with a streamer and it continues to get worse and hurtful as they refuse to honestly address anything, are manipulating those close to them as they spin more lies about their long history of predatory, lustful behaviour. Evidence from victims keep coming while this streamer is horribly treating this as a “game” as they get lawyers involved? I can’t look away from the train-wreck as I hope for closure and justice :'(
- in general I am glad that victims can continue to bravely speak out and be heard (when they feel safe and able to). Abuse, assaults, gaslighting and injustices have been happening for a long time and it’ll be a long, ongoing journey to heal, to not have an environment where people turn a blind eye and do better from this
- hoping we keep working towards more fair, sustainable, systematic change and healing. Towards a stronger community and world with all people of colours, backgrounds, gender, sexualities, abilities, identities, appearances, disadvantaged and more. A world where people can trust people and work & exist in a safe, supportive environment.
- Well idealistic as it is, I hope we get closer to this at least. Even I find it difficult to trust most people and substantial change is so very, very slow :'(
- a good tweet thread read on how abusers/predators perform grandiose apologies for themselves and their audience so they can get away with it, how action is the better expression of true remorse and what forgiveness really means and entails
- metoo stories that are coming out – just reminds me how I don’t personally feel safe going to networking drinks or social events with bars. It just reinforces my bias that such things are usually unsafe for me :’)
- because as a hermit, unfortunately I don’t have a buddy to look out for me and me for them (as I’ve said times before)
- essentially I’m on survival mode when I’m going out on my own :<
- oh I probably mentioned this but ages ago when I did go into a bar (super late in the night/morning), I was following a few people naively hoping to just get to know them but they kept going to noisy, overwhelming places :<
- I felt like I was being stared at by strange men like a piece of meat. Super gross, uncomfortable and I felt unsafe. Avoided eye contact with strangers. Luckily we didn’t stay for too long and left.
- But eventually I was left alone to find my own way and transport back home. I’m just glad I got home safe.
- Since then I just don’t bother going to night time things if I’m going to get abandoned anyway and struggle getting home with public transport. I’ll look after myself and actually do stuff I enjoy thank you very much :/
- I put my guard up on super high alert when it comes to super “smooth”, super confident men because it feels like they want something from me and it seems “too good and perfect to be true” :<
- they’re “players” to me because most men and people aren’t brave and interested enough to approach and keep talking to a deadpan faced, quiet, disinterested, energy conserving Leonie ;’P I’m not saying this defense mechanism for my feelings, way of functioning and low energy is fair! It takes ages to earn my trust around people as it is.
- there have been instances when I felt pressured to catch up an event years ago. Later on I thought I was going to discuss about a possible freelance thing and it became awkward because they want to do it in person “as friends?” and not over email like everyone else :/ Also the job wasn’t even guaranteed and I feel like I’m only being lured out. Nope, no thanks. I got extremely uncomfortable.
- another when I actually did spend the time & transport money to meet up for this “job offer” but after showing me their office, they wanted me to work for free because they were a startup :/
- it’s messy and confusing when industry people hit on me when I was just being friendly or I had a few silly crushes that had this uneven, tense, uncomfortable social dynamic (essentially I was being rejected as they keep me at an arm’s length and/or played along but I was too oblivious to see it) so I had to get space away from them so I can emotionally move on (indefinitely if possible)
- sometimes when the lines get blurred, I wonder if I go to industry events to make professional acquaintances or not :<
- gah I can’t be bothered doing emotional and mental gymnastics trying to read people in general :’)
- all in the past now and learned to not engage with people who don’t deserve it and keep things friendly professional with people ;P
- social groups leaves me super emotionally and socially overwhelmed, overstimulated distressed and upset anyway :’)
- like a broken record, I say I’d rather have 1 to 1 online or in-person conversations! Plus an actual activity I can do together as a pair or small group would be great too! :0
- digressing, I hope things will get better – especially for the victims of an industry rife with abusive predators and bullies :'(
Plus I’ve been having the usual bad monthly cramps and mood swings as well! Yep! Pain and suffering :’)
- On having Narcissistic Fathers and Father’s Day
- I don’t care about celebrating this day but much kudos to good fathers, good parents, good brothers, good male friends and other good parental figures!
- I’m just wary of attracting narcissists again and the video helped me feel less alone :’)
- Aspie/Autism Shutdown and Withdrawal: Dealing with Sudden Emotional Withdrawal in Relationships
- hm I relate to this as I shutdown without knowing and then I feel pressured and unable to speak much when people want answers or an appropriate reaction (on the spot)
- I feel that someone with autism should communicate that withdrawals will happen beforehand so that people don’t take it personally. And try their best (if aware and able) to let people know if they’re overwhelmed and need space (which tends to be often)
- it needs to be a two way street, even though sometimes when I shut down it’s gradual and silent because I just zone out and become a sleepy zombie :’)
- hey I shutdown and keep quiet a lot because I can’t mask and pretend I’m expressive, high energy and socially acceptable too much :’) I become unresponsive and tired and that makes normal people uneasy. In recent times I’ve begun to warn people in advance but I don’t know if they fully understand what I mean when I struggle to be concise and articulate about it :<
- this is a reason why I don’t have or need many friends :’)
- yes I’m just relating and how I need to communicate my low energy, zombie nature so people don’t feel uncomfortable and insecure around me :0
- Watched Emma (2020 film) for my birthday [SPOILER TALK]
- all the characters and actors are wonderful – they’re all attractive and playing to their archetypes
- Great cinematography, costume design and set design too!
- Mr Knightley has his own kind of awkward, bluntness, scruffy handsomeness and charm. In the beginning, they showed his back view, fully naked as he changes into clean clothes on purpose haha ;P
- Harriet is a sweet, pure, wonderful dork and so is Mr Robert Martin
- Emma performs her character arc and growth amazingly
- Mr Elton ramped up his creepy, social climbing and keen vibes by grinning so wide and his gestures! Goodness haha
- Sweet, wholesome kiss scenes aww!!
- I feel this is rich white people (who have nothing better to do) meddling in each other’s businesses haha
- I was iffy when Knightley agreed to let go of his own independence at the end. I’d rather him have his own world, life and freedom too :0
- wow the age gap was originally 21 (Emma) and 37 (Mr. Knightley)!! I guess those were the times. No wonder Mr Knightley lectures Emma so much and then they build towards being equals :S
- Watched Knives Out again and it’s just as incredible, fun and amazing as the first time around <3
- I wan to eat cinnamon donuts now :<
- How to Structure a Fight Scene with martial arts and emotive, meaningful storytelling
Little birthday was two days ago! Reflecting on mortality and getting older.
My birthday was just another day so we just ate leftover pizza again and allowed some quality time :’) Can’t get ourselves special cheesecake or anything fancy. Too paranoid to eat out :<
It was lovely yesterday when I caught up with the handful of brief birthday wishes or just “likes” on my post and social media. Thank you! <3 It was more than I expected! Thank you so much for the supportive, sweet words! It definitely cheered me up some (:
Anyhoo I don’t know how to feel given that there’s so many horrible, depressing, upsetting things coming to light and happening for a long time. Becoming older? Eh just another day as usual.
Relationships???
I did start thinking – now I’m in my super early 30’s, I’m around the age where most people would have had at least their first relationships by now. Some friends are getting or have gotten married with kids (not that I even want kids, mind you)! Gosh not this topic again!
I don’t really mind too much, as much as I would like the idea of a romantic, cuddly, compatible, supportive partner and best friend in life one day. Because as of now, reality feels like such a person does not exist and it’ll add more stress, doubt, hard work, rejection and problems into my life.
I don’t really want to “date” with people I don’t know and I don’t want to pretend that I’m not an inexperienced, awkward hermit ;P I don’t know if I’m ever ready when I haven’t shared or built up any genuine, slow, mutual romantic interest and friendship anyway. For me it’s mostly just experiences of unrequited crushes, rejection, people going too fast or smooth for me, people already playing around with other options, people I’m not interested in, people who can’t deal with how I function and/or they’re giving me mixed messages (essentially lack of interest).
Sure, not doing the relationship thing is lonely at times but I’m used to it and it is all I’ve ever known. I don’t think I’m at the stage where I should suddenly involve someone else, deeply into my life. That and I haven’t met anybody that’s earned it yet.
Note that I’m not asking for pity, I’m doing alright and just reflecting on how I’m feeling about it. I’m not intending to live like this forever but it seems that way :’) Am I rationalising? Am I just afraid of change and rejection? Does it matter?
Why should I be in a relationship? Partners in life are romantic, trustworthy, reliable, compatible, best friends who support and communicate with each other on a day to day basis right? Both have to reliably grow together and support each other’s struggles, dreams, problems, flaws and journeys too. It takes ages to build this in the first place! Regardless of any silly, old feelings I have left, I don’t know anybody who has earned or fits that description right now 😛
Hey who knows whether I’ll find somebody wonderful for me one day. But I won’t stress about it :’) I do feel that I’m not compatible with most people regardless of attachment or feelings so I’m just grateful to have a few friends to talk to on a precious, reliable basis and a wonderful best buddy to rely on :’)
I don’t really want to actually discuss this personal topic publicly with people (too uncomfortable for me) but I just wanted to ramble about it here. So in that light, thank you for reading!! There’s only a small handful of you who genuinely reads this blog to keep up to date on me (at least I hope so in a positive, genuine and non creepy way!) Thank you! (:
Being existential
I had thoughts about getting older (physically, visually and mentally – oh no my mortality, youth and health!!) You know – silly, existential, lonely thoughts. Consequently I’m being more mindful that I need to continue taking care of my health and not neglect sleep so often! Just keep doing my best and not worry about my limited time on this earth haha :’)
My career too.
As you know from past posts I’m very much in the slow, learning stages as I figure out what I’m doing along the way. I’m in a slightly better mental place than I was in 2018 at least, huzzah!
Digressing! As always I hope to do more studies, make more art, do more cool projects with cool people, grow more as a person and not worry how “way behind” I am. I’m just happy to be able to keep building my little career in making art :’) Thank you <3
Game and trailer thoughts!
- Super Smash Bros. Ultimate – Mr. Sakurai Presents “Min Min”
- AW YESSS Min Min!! Keen to try her out with her distinct move-sets! She’s super cute and I love her design!! :’D
- I love the intro trailer with Captain Falcon and Kirby! The animation is incredible!!
- I miss ramen :’)
- “Wo ai lamian!” (I love noodles!)
- Twintelle has one of the most wonderful designs but super I’m happy with Min Min too and her eastern dragon arms!
- Crash Bandicoot 4: It’s about time
- art style super great and not sure about Coco’s face yet
- intrigued by the gameplay of the Quantum masks – time and gravity? :0 It’s the same platforming gameplay as the Crash trilogy plus VVVVVV elements in there
- not sure if I’ll ever get to play this :S
- Wow Avatar the Last Airbender characters in SMITE :0
- (no I have not watched this famous animated TV series still)
- The Artful Escape looks beautiful and further developed since I last saw it, wow! 😀
- I didn’t watch much of Summer Game Fest though
- Animal Crossing Summer Update
- but what about the cold southern hemisphere??? I feel super neglected here 🙁
- I hope we get different undersea creatures when diving during winter ;P
- Hey Square Enix created a Pride mascot! They’re cute! 😀
- CyberPunk Anime made by Studio Trigger is promised for 2022! Sounds cool!
- The CupHead Show seems promising too
- Deadly Premonition 2 is coming next month! As janky and weird as ever!
- Street Fighter 2 – Guile’s Theme by a band/orchestra called the Kyle Athayde Dance Party
Leonie’s gaming shenanigans!!
Slideshow widget isn’t consistently working so I’ll just post the images!
I can see why people love Animal Crossing, especially for lonely, introverted hearts like mine. You feel loved by your digital animal friends especially when your birthday comes around! It’s so sweet and lovely!! Plus you don’t need to “party” for hours and you can just leave when you’re feeling done without feeling guilty or obligated to stay! ;D
Can’t say I’m actually getting any gifts in real life but hey the AC birthday stuff looks nice and I’m collecting them hehe! I was sad that I missed out on a meteor shower on my birthday though :<
Plus Leonie failing at making snowboys continues :’) One day I’ll get all the recipes :<
Anyhoo, thanks so much for the kind encouragement and for reading! Please take care of yourself today and this week ahead! 😊 💙
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Gosh, Thank you for always sharing your journey. I know it isn’t easy to put all these deep emotions into text and share it like this.
(Please don’t worry about responding to the bit below this. Since you didn’t want to talk about it publicly, but I felt you deserve the encouragement)
I really hope you won’t give up on finding someone. You’re such a genuine and lovely person and you deserve to get all the things out of a relationship that you’re looking for. Don’t undercut your own value either! Anyone worthy of your emotional investment is blessed to have received it.
Thank you so much for reading and the kind encouragement Perky! (:
It’s definitely tricky and personal though I feel that it helps me gain clarity by writing things out and to reassure myself too.
Thanks for understanding and the terribly kind words – I do get grumpy and irritable too so I’m not always positive as much as I strive to be haha
Who knows what the future will bring but I won’t stress about it.
Always happy to read what you want to share! 🙂
It’s ok to be negative. That’s part of being human. Just don’t let yourself be consumed by it!
I really hope you have a super fulfilling week Leonie. You deserve it and a whole bunch more!
Thank you and may you have a fulfilling week too! (: