SixFanartsChallenge 06 / Inuyasha + MondayLeonieUpdate!

In this MondayLeonieUpdate:

  • Inuyasha ramble and thoughts after finishing the SixFanarts Challenge
  • About having autism & social anxiety traits
  • Personal thoughts about boundaries & deep dive on surviving with narcissists.
  • Expectations around giving and taking
  • little Animal Crossing & gaming update
  • Interesting finds including short films, Final Fantasy 7 remake reviews & Hairspray Live thoughts

Inuyasha! The dog demon boy ;D

Suggested by Ashleigh, the kick butt game art boss! I worked with her on Crossy Castle and she’s super wonderful, understanding & great to work with. Thank you so much for her suggestion and I admire how great of a powerhouse she is at 2D art, 3D art and animation! I also enjoy her cat pictures! (:

Anyhoo, have you watched and/or read Inuyasha?

I remember watching Inuyasha in Cantonese and reading a volume or two of the manga ;D I was overwhelmed at how long it was, how expensive it is to rent *all of the anime* and I lost interest too because it dragged on so, so much.

Inuyasha keeps letting down Kagome involving both of them yelling/calling each other’s names ;P I feel like Inuyasha represents the emotionally unavailable, immature boy/man you know you shouldn’t be attracted to, though both have a lot of growing and learning to do. Hey character development! It got super exhausting when they milked as much romantic tension as they can get and put a lot of filler though. It just left me annoyed and still rooting for him rather than being enamoured by him. But hey my not so great memory could be wrong (feel free to correct me) plus I didn’t watch all of it and learned of the ending somehow much later.

I do remember enjoying what I did watch and read! It seemed to end well too! 😀

Early stages!

Gosh his hair is made of interesting shapes :0 People in real life don’t have this much hair ;P

Apparently there’s an Inuyasha sequel involving their kids – with biography and character sheets! I feel indifferent about this sequel because Inuyasha doesn’t need to continue :< Plus the original creator only did the character designs and not the story for this sequel so I don’t know how good it will actually be. It might be promising or might not :S

Yes!! I finally finished the SixFanarts Challenge!! Woo!! 😭

Tadah!! 🎉 The slow, progressing, quiet turtle eventually gets there 🐢💦

Thanks for the SixFanarts suggestions & thanks for coming along for the journey 💖 🐱 👧 🤖 🐔 🎮 🐕

For this SixFanarts challenge, I’m not super known so I’m lucky that I *just* managed to get about 6 suggestions, phew! :’) I don’t think I’ll do this again in the future because I’m essentially doing free art requests plus I didn’t have many suggestions to choose from since almost all of the suggestions were picked. It dragged on for so long too. Happy to treat this as a challenge, giftart and a learning experience! :0


Leonie rambles section

Ramble about having Autism & social anxiety traits

  • Things to consider when talking to people with Autism
    • oh yeah I tend to talk across, not realising someone hasn’t finished talking, miss social cues and not know the flow of the conversation. So I hold back and forget what I would want to say. If I feel and trust like there is space for me to be listened to & genuinely engaged with then I might slowly come out of my shell again :’)
    • yes much patience is needed from all parties (including myself) when a conversation involves me :’)
    • sometimes I sense when people don’t have patience and want quick witty banter so I just lose interest, don’t bother or talk at all because I’m more of a quiet listener. That’s too much unspoken pressure on me and we’re probably not compatible anyway. Usually I get ignored after they realise I don’t have anything I’m interested in saying ;’)
  • Autism in Ladies – 5 social anxiety traits. Note I don’t fully relate to the whole video because everyone is different so some thoughts:
    • 1) masking so that I’m socially acceptable, acting like other people and losing my sense of identity
      • yes that was me for a long time and it usually doesn’t last long because I become an emotionally exhausted, sad, lonely zombie
      • masking is mostly for people I don’t know so well
      • after many, many, many quality bonding times, trust, respect, effort & communication without pressure nor obligation then I’ll slowly feel comfortable and trust someone to be myself, stuff up and make more social mistakes in their company :’)
      • I’m very much guarded with new people and/or people who seem too charming, smooth, agreeable, keen and pushing things too fast with a destination or motive
    • 2) how I’m best at 1 to 1 interesting conversations and just feel overwhelmed and mute in social groups and crowds
      • I’m just tired existing within groups already, especially the pressure to be social, fully engaged with everyone and be talkative :<
      • I’ve talked about this many times whenever I mention conferences or social group things. Even I’m tired of talking about it so I’ll stop here ;P
    • 3) small talk – that I have a rough script I’ve learned over the years too
      • I listen, learn and don’t engage if I have no common ground or interests.
      • I’m picky with how I want to spend my limited low energy as too much socialising makes me a zombie ;P
      • if I am really interested in learning about the person, even though I don’t actually care about the topic, I’ll still ask questions with keen interest because their passion is inspiring and I want to learn about them as a person (:
    • 4) socialising
      • I need to be emotionally prepared beforehand, have things loosely planned and then afterwards I have to stop analysing, recalling and overthinking my social interactions :’) It’s so hard when you’re a hermit with selective social interactions. I start wondering what I did wrong and that’s not a great headspace to be in :<
      • Need to remember to treat things as a conversation that happens, it’s history and just keep moving on. No pressure nor obligation upon anybody so learning to just enjoy the good company and connection. It’s not easy when self doubt visits me though!
    • 5) isolation
      • I feel great where I can manage my low energy for myself, close friends & family ;0
      • my few friends are super patient with me and for most of them maybe I’ll catch up with them every several months or years haha! I do have my best buddy and my regular gaming buddy I super appreciate too!
  • Then there’s people who consistently let me down and I’m not a priority for them so I have to keep myself at a distance because I’ve forgiven but not forgotten.
    • Because even though my trust, security and comfort around them is lost, my respect for the good things they generally do for people and things they care about is still there :< It’s a mixed bag and I don’t have any interest to talk to them again because I don’t trust them anymore :’)
  • I tend to make social mistakes so last week’s post – made me remember how most people just don’t know how to deal with me socially, either felt I was rude, don’t really want to address or clarify things with me (avoiding honest & calm confrontation) and/or they were/are disrespectful to me.
    • Nowadays I don’t want to deal with them anymore even though I see them around :<
    • Admittedly there’s mixed hurt feelings whenever I think back so I’m trying to see it with a kinder mind and let myself focus on positive things and kind people in my life :’)

Boundaries and surviving with Narcissists (Leonie vents a lot so please skip if this is too personal for you)

Stumbled upon Doctor Ramani’s videos, here are some that gave me more food for thought! It’s a jumbled bunch of thoughts and lots to take in too. Still, if this helps you too, then I’m glad! I’m still learning to do better too (:

  • Creating Healthy Boundaries
    • essentially state your needs and protect yourself is what I vaguely remember; watch some of her videos as I don’t do it justice
  • How does being with a narcissist affect your body, mind and soul?
    • goodness, I kept nodding throughout the video because I deal with a covert narcissist figure who gives me stress even with their presence on a daily basis :’)
    • lots of Narcissistic injury and having to walk around eggshells around him. My body just tenses up and goes into survival, stress and toleration mode where “How do I not make him mad or get any of his negative attention?” is at the back of my mind often.
  • maybe there’s some element of codependency at play but I’m aware of it and I’m keeping myself emotionally distant and calm (or what she calls soul distancing) whenever I can because he doesn’t really care
  • how he insults me for being a horrible, useless, lazy, rude person, guilt trips me and scoffs at me for ever “dreaming” to be a teacher and how terrible I must be at being the polite, competent teacher.
    • It’s clear he’s trying to say hurtful things, based on what he thinks I care about just so that he can feel powerful and get the upper hand. It shows how much he cares because the insult doesn’t really work – it was never my dream to be a teacher in the first place ;P
    • He brings the past up just to bring me down.
  • I’m usually one of the main family scrapegoats because I’m the useless “starving artist” :’)
  • What is “mind reading”?
    • when the narcissist expects you to know what they want, doesn’t communicate and then throws their resentment and pent up rage at you for everything wrong with their life, how you’re not fixing your “mistakes and faults” and doing every single thing they want you to do.
    • A lot of taking score on all the “generous, selfless” things they’ve done for you, claiming how they’ve “never” asked for anything in return – as long as you’re doing as he says. Yep I’m not the only one and on the receiving end of all that.
  • Stonewalling / silent treatment
    • to punish you for something you apparently did wrong. Or constant anger and resentment rants for every little “wrong” thing you do, even to bring up your past and insecurities to pit against you
  • Intimacy avoidance
    • they don’t care to talk about sensitive and personal topics.
    • they don’t talk about your feelings, just their own and blaming you if things go bad and not their way
    • if they do talk about sensitive and personal topics, it’s to learn more about you and your weaknesses for later
  • When a narcissist turns people against you
  • What types of people attract narcissists?
    • I think I go mostly under #5, having and dealing with a parent who’s narcissistic
  • How invalidation prevents me from feeling empowered, keeps me insecure, pretending, afraid, second guessing and not trust myself so I go by compliance :<
    • that’s how I even got into teaching in the first place because I was expected to do a “stable” career and I refused to do accounting. When I finally quit my teaching career, that was when I started breaking away and slowly worked to find myself.
    • I feel like my autism leaves me with no other choice but to be myself, even though there’s still things I need to heal from here
  • Why you should never call narcissists out
    • I agree and have been there because they will never admit they did anything wrong, turn it and your feelings against you. They play as the victim, “how dare you make me feel these things”, put these expectations and demands upon you and that it’s all your fault. It’s not my fault. I don’t cause other’s feelings 😛
    • How they’re emotionally stuck as kids/adolescents who play for control, mind games and their words don’t match with their actions. How they manipulate and control others to get what they want, only care for themselves, benefit and/or their image, refuse to grow up and don’t care to consider the consequences of their actions. They’re only “sorry” if they’re caught.
  • Gift giving with narcissists?
    • where you give them what they want (money, gifts, attention, validation, time, resources, recognition, etc) just to get by and get them off your tail to do your thing. Yep I’ve had to do that often ;P
    • it’s also never enough; they always want more. You don’t feel enough around them and eventually they suck out the joy out of you.
  • On what is “cognitive dissonance”? And gaslighting
  • The brooding anger of narcissists – yep!! A lot of passive aggressiveness too!
  • What is “Narcissistic supply?”
  • What is “narcissistic amnesia
    • where they have convenient, selective memory and forget the things they did so they don’t have to take responsibility for their bad behaviour or face their insecurities (another form of gaslighting of your reality)
  • 7 general types of narcissists – goodness there’s so many kinds of narcissists if you look through her videos!
  • How you need to choose guilt and discomfort over resentment. To unlearn manipulative behaviours ourselves too because being affected by manipulation is a thing :’)
    • she says you do this by setting boundaries and having realistic expectations, acceptance, not engaging, not explaining, not acting out of obligation nor fear and removing the need to please other people
    • gosh I still have much to learn to be a better person and to practice these things :’)
    • I don’t think I’m striving to manipulate anybody! That’s too much emotional gymnastics and reading between the lines for my brain! And I hope I’m not being manipulated! D:
    • I do admit during the early stages I give, expecting at least a response and acknowledgement in return and so that’s definitely a recipe for Leonie’s hurt ego and rejection the more I care about it :’)
    • Striving to care less for those who haven’t earned my trust and respect yet
  • I’m watching these videos because I’m super afraid I’m attracting more narcissists in my life since it has happened before. I find it hard to trust people already :< Plus I don’t want to become or act like one either.
  • There’s a line between self love and self interest (because everyone needs to take care of themselves) and not using any empathy or care at all for others.
    • I can’t accurately tell because people in general hide behind a polite or professional mask and facade to protect their personal space (understandably!) For me, I need however much indefinite amounts of time to figure out who they really are through their actions.
    • some people in the past come to mind – when I talk to them, it feels off. They often just talk about themselves or interests, ask about me as an afterthought and/or if they’re bored and don’t really follow up to check on how I’m doing because they’re not actually interested in getting to know me nor my well being. If they were to listen to my own ramblings, I usually have to share it or interrupt on my own accord (and I’m not super used to nor comfortable that with most people because I’m often the question asking and listener).
    • they either ask a lot of questions to gather information about you or they don’t. It depends on the person
    • They only focus on what they’ve heard I’ve accomplished that impressed them. Clout I guess? I don’t know :<
    • I feel not heard, not enough, not listened to, uncomfortable, empty, confused, mixed, doubtful and drained around them because the conversations are superficial, or just about their interests and are rarely deep and/or personal between us as human beings. I don’t know how to describe it beyond this – I get bad vibes? I feel inferior around them? :<
    • they care about getting as much attention and validation as they can get from me :<
    • gosh it’s hard to tell what’s genuine sometimes for me and I’m doing best I can to not pressure nor project my fears, insecurities, trust issues and anxiety onto others by giving lots of space 🙁 Managing my fears of abandonment and rejection best I can.
  • I do get wary when people “love bomb” me with things I want to hear, try to get to know me and put me on a pedestal with unrealistic expectations. I feel really skeptical, uncomfortable and on guard about it because they don’t really know me and feels creepy and uneven in the social dynamic. I need space :<
  • On neglectful narcissists
    • how they will never notice you as a human being. They only engage/care about you if they want something from you at their convenience because you’re just an emotional vending machine :S
    • they pretend to care about you at the beginning so that’s what makes it scary. I can’t tell who’s genuine or not at the beginning and it makes me wary :< In general I assume the moderate best of people as much as I can though!
    • so I try to take things super slow to see who’s bored of me to see if this “interest” is genuine – most people are boring to each other anyway ;P It’s a risk since many play the long, breadcrumbing game
  • she described a simplistic version of narcissism:
    • where they put all their focus upon you, care and/or love bomb you, get what they want out of you (due to boredom, loneliness, needing money, intimate relations, validation, attention, to have choices to play with) and once they’re done and get bored with you they treat you like you don’t exist, discard you and demonstrate how they didn’t really care for you in the first place
    • it’s hard when you feel bad for them, feeling like there’s a “real” connection there and you still contact them, even knowing that it’s emotionally just a one-sided thing. You try to make it work, even though it’s better to just cut them out of your life :<
    • or I’m never sure if it’s mutual at all and always doubting and second guessing because their actions show they don’t really care about me and I’m not a priority at all.
    • That’s why I keep my distance like they don’t exist so that I don’t get hurt again
  • Narcissistic ghosting / silent treatment or the slow fade or breadcrumbing- goodness!!
    • There’s a difference between ghosting out of self protection and fear *versus* not giving any empathy and wanting to control, punish, manipulate others like a game with the utmost disrespect :’)
    • they don’t value goodness and see people as objects to use
    • they get people to chase them by ghosting and blocking them out of the blue even though things seem fine and communicative prior
    • They’re bad at communicating and run away from important discussions and problems
    • Then they come back like nothing happened and may even deny things – I’ve met some people like that and I don’t trust them because the cycle will happen again. And they’ve built some form of hurt, insecurity and doubt within me when I’m around them too :<
    • please don’t let nor give people control of your feelings, let go of the guilt, grieve, let go and forget about them. That’s what I’m reminding myself. It’s super hard though. I have a lot to heal from :<
  • I hope I get braver and less hurt by rejection and ghosting and people not wanting to be in my life :’)
    • I hope I can tell the genuine people from those who aren’t because they’re rare and it’s hard to tell. Time and actions will tell I’d hope! :<
    • learning to not take things so personally and keep on giving myself and others space
    • most people ghost or fade away as the default anyway when they need space and/or aren’t interested so if they do it to me, I’ll do it to them. I will remember it too so I can keep giving myself space from them ;P
  • Also I feel bad when I’ve ghosted others (acquaintances or strangers usually) out of discomfort, bad vibes, or from feeling disrespected.
    • I’m not okay with pretending that we’re okay and/or nothing happened :/
    • Usually I do it out of fear and because of my emotionally immature mind :’) I really don’t know how to deal with drama or confrontation. I’ll talk about it best I can if we’re both open to calmly discuss things though!
    • hopefully I’ll be brave to say when I need space and learn to better establish boundaries :’)
  • it bugs me when people justify a narcissist’s behaviour as “oh it’s just their way of showing love” when it’s not good, correct nor healthy. They want control in the end :<
  • I do fear that I’m quick to judge because of my desire to protect myself from narcissists.
    • how I don’t want to be used, rejected, discarded nor abandoned.
    • Or am I becoming a picky, cynical narcissist because of this?? My avoidant attachment side comes out here? Because I keep people at a distance until we naturally build a good, genuine connection and trust with each other 🙁
  • Whenever I have friends who are actually happy to interact with me and see me, actually want to listen to me, actually hug me and/or show affection without holding back, actually give without expecting anything in return – it’s always a pleasant shock to me.
    • That there’s actually good in this world and I’m just grateful for these small gestures :’)
    • and then I have to try not doubt their motives out of fear. This is where my anxious attachment side comes out :<
  • hope that gives you an idea why there’s always going to be at least a low level of stress and trust issues in my life as my “normal” because I deal with a narcissist :’)
    • Still I refuse to accept responsibility, guilt and shame for someone else’s toxic behaviour. It’s been hard to heal from feeling like things are my fault and I’m not enough since I’m still in their presence daily. Self awareness helps!
    • I do act like a “grey rock” – where I become boring and uninteresting, not care for conflict, drama nor appease them and in turn that makes me get overlooked by most people out of habit
    • generally I’ll probably take things with anyone *super* slow anyway with no or minimal expectations and try not to worry about motives. Hoping their real selves come out through time and their actions :<
  • I haven’t watched them all but her videos are great therapy listening sessions for me <3 Phew that was a lot to unpack already!

Expectations around giving and taking (Why Being Too Nice Leads to Rejection – Marisa Peer)

  • I like her points about enjoying your own company, loving yourself and being kind with yourself first – that’s what I’m always learning to do better 😀
  • she says that friendships and relationships should be a balance of give and take. Not sure if I fully agree when sometimes you just can’t make a bond between people equal and transactional. It’s more of a healthy compatibility and teamwork thing where everyone’s needs and expectations are fulfilled together :< I think it’s better to give, genuinely not expecting to receive something that’s equal in value.
  • To not change or control or pressure anybody and to build and improve each other for the better.
  • some great video comment tidbits that stuck with me so I summarised lots of comments together:
    • stay true to yourself and not let people or circumstances change you for the worst. Do not give for the sake of pleasing others (neediness) as you will get disrespected, guilt tripped and taken for granted.
    • Do not chase or force anyone to be in your world (friendship or relationship). If you’re chasing something that means it’s trying to escape you. Love yourself to the point that others want to join and appreciate you as you are.
    • understand that people are free leave at any time and have their own space. You do too.
  • Keep being humble and kind, learn to accept and be gentle with our own flaws & mistakes and also the flaws & mistakes of others (: Otherwise it actually becomes narcissistic when you’re just manipulating & chasing your own selfish dreams over everyone else’s
  • Also empathetic, kind loved ones and friends are great as emotional support but they do not have the training nor cannot bear the ongoing emotional burden as your therapist ;P

Little Animal Crossing and gaming update!

Interesting finds and short films

Anyhoo, this was a super long therapeutic and intense post! Thank you so much if you made it this far! Hope to calm down next time :’)

Please, please, please take care and enjoy the rest of this week!


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10 Comments on “SixFanartsChallenge 06 / Inuyasha + MondayLeonieUpdate!

  1. My cousin who got me into anime had Inuyasha books and was obsessed with it. Mostly watched the anime, but they never finished it so I learned about the ending way later too.

    Omg, I know it’s a little weird and inappropriate, but I can’t help but want to give you a hug after reading all that. You don’t deserve to be made to feel like that and I can’t help but be emotional about it.

    You’re an incredible and wonderful person. You’ve gone and developed fantastic skills and your strive to continue to improve yourself is inspiring.

    😭

    • Gosh it’s so long as an anime!!!
      Aww thank you and thank you so much for reading the whole post :’)
      Haha aw no hugs needed, just grateful for your understanding and kindness (:
      You are too kind, I’m just learning how to be a better human here haha

      • Always happy to read everything!

        Everybody could do with that kind of introspective. So I’d say you definitely deserve the kudos!

        • Aw thank youuuuu ;___;
          Okay sidenote, I was trying out the “likes” thing for wordpress and I don’t think I’m bothered now; just happy to reply instead haha

          • Hehe 😀

            The “Like” system for WordPress hasn’t worked for me for like…months. It just says “Loading…”

  2. Thank you for sharing <3

    You’ve given me a lot to think about; I can recognize a few things in here that I know I’ve struggled with in the past and know I have to work on.

    Some things are harder to approach than others, but trying to attack them from a new direction might bear some useful fruit!

    • Goodness thank you so much for reading this long post!!
      I didn’t think I’ll see you here and reading my blog again; thank you and hello! 😊
      And happy to hear that it’s helping you and giving you some things to think about. Many of us (or at least I hope) are struggling with our own personal experiences, striving to do better and to be more compassionate and understanding with ourselves and each other (:
      Hm I don’t know what you mean by new direction, maybe I’ll figure that out someday :0
      (Yes I’ve auto-approved your comments for the future haha)