Y1W14 “Part of Your World” and the Fear of failure is Motivating

Leonie’s small blog island says hullo! (:
In this post: I can’t help but use this title. Easter break’s over for you (“what break?” I would say for me) and Australia’s ANZAC day is today at the time of posting. Hope you enjoy today and the weekend.

Let’s go ! Journal Time.

Save My Tribe: Was just playing around. Just a silly doodle. I really want to start over as this is really version 1 of this dude.

Year 1, Week 14 (16th to 22nd Apr)

  • Anatomy studies: it continues. With skulls and eyeballs. I love drawing heads the most if this wasn’t obvious already. Going to be dwelling on heads over the next month and considering dabbling into the Save my Tribe project again. I’m probably going to find another project to practice on instead so I can flesh my personal one more. Hmm…
  • Arm strain; air cracking…? Need breaks.
  • What is going on with art communities: So CGHub’s gone and new ones are springing up. I haven’t been actively participating however as at the moment my focus is art making.
  • Study buddy fun times! Getting an action plan together. We made a diagnostic challenge for ourselves for April! You’ll see next week. And see how terrible I am; fun! Haha
  • Position: Vacant: Festival submission and fees out of our own pocket continues. I am not going to Wagga Wagga’s Australian International Film Festivalunfortunately but I know Victor (Lead Rigger and Technical Director as well as Sound Design, Editor, Compositor, Animator) is the only one going at this stage. I got overwhelmed when I realised how many festivals I overlooked and missed out on and how many I have yet to apply for (and the fees add up heaps!) I also revamped the site and imagesa bit!
  • Doodling and Gestures: I did a few gestures but not showing them here to save some time.
Was testing my textas and highlighters to see which ones were drying out.
  • People Drawing: much fun doing these.
People outside and on the train. This is where my black pen died. And I noticed a girl being sad. It seems like someone didn’t turn up as she had hoped as she kept looking at the entrance when people came in. Glad she talked with people around her eventually though so she didn’t stay sad, at least on the outside. Am I making up stories? I don’t know.
Kept getting pressured to use the charcoal and paper available. So I took it upon myself to give it a good try. Then I threw away all my attempts at charcoal. Charcoal is so hard to tame, especially on smooth butcher paper! I remember and have experienced again why I don’t use it. No wonder people go for Conte! I went back to ballpoint pen but on huge paper, after having a go at black marker. So much space to cover though! I don’t know if it’s better as I’m using my whole arm with less strain on the wrist or tiresome as I have to cover more area!
Drawing this huge makes things take longer for me in hindsight.
Huge fragile butcher’s paper. What a headache.
I don’t know what happened to his arm and bottom. Had fun times with friends though.
Train people while I was trying to stay awake! I get so tired after a long day but it’s fun.
There was this guy who kept giggling at his phone; haha
Train inspector included but not the walkie talkie. And there was this very sad looking lady. Hm.
Gestures and a Beatboxer
What is happening
This guy was talking about his trust issues and then how food that makes you work in order to eat it becomes much more delicious because of the effort. And a lady was knitting on the train.
I was tired so I drew swirlies everywhere
KO’ed and people don’t even care

Other Adventures: 

  • Games (watching): The Wolf Among Us Episode 3, Castlevania: something shadows 2 (not bothered with this one), Yakuza 4 (the plot twists are laughable and unbelievable), Garry’s Mod Murder/Prop Hunt/Trouble In terrorist Town, Dark Souls II, Street Fighter 4
  • Games played: Left 4 Dead 2 to test my ping and then I got pressured to play it with my bro. Mindless shooting some crazy zombies at the Carnival (that’s where I am still up to). Kept getting overwhelmed as the AI are not keeping up and I’m not that a skilled player (I don’t usually play FPS games!) And then Garry’s Mod which didn’t work out because I refused to download all the textures required and so every texture looked hot pink.
  • Music: Looked through my old music. Ended up listening to assorted Queen music, just one or a couple from Disney movies, Daft Punk, Coldplay, Adele, Beatles and Zelda. I don’t know whether I actually have music taste but usually it’s a mixture of movie and game soundtracks I’ve seen/played with a dash of old and new popular songs that won’t un-stick from mind.
  • Films: Slowly am looking into watching films. As a start and out of curiosity, I saw Mean Girls for the first time as I’ve been actively avoiding it since it’s creation. It’s not as bad as I feared but not as amazing as I was led to believe. Probably because I can’t relate to most of it? I’ve kept any teen drama and gossip in my life to a minimum during my time (that and because I am truly the black sheep of my age group or I’m incredibly oblivious). Well…watching it once is enough.

Reflection for the Week

Talking and me 
I’m so tired lately but then again I usually can only handle one (ideally) or two people in conversation with me at the one time. Most of the time it’s one else I end up letting the others talk while I listen instead (unsurprisingly I’m great at listening haha) or I end up being too focused talking to one person, leaving any other people left out. I guess I fare better focusing on one person at a time? It allows for more bonding that way sometimes and people thinking I’m rude in others. Ah well.I am training myself to talk to more people at once and get comfortable in that (you would think being an ex teacher would have helped but I was hindered by being extremely unhappy and burnt out from my career choice then). I’ve done a little public speaking course too back then as well to tackle it head on.

I believe it all comes down to experience and reiteration/practice really. So I’m going to keep at it. Slowly like a turtle. I’ve got a lifetime full of conditioned habits to work on so it will take time! Or maybe I’ll find out that I won’t change aside from being more comfortable to talk to more people at once if the need arises.

Facebook usage going down
Minimising facebook usage has been great! The only downside is when some people expect me to check their wall…and I’m out of the loop. I’m not purposely ignoring you in particular, it’s just that I’m ignoring my feed. People know that they just need to tag, comment on my wall or shoot me a private message to reach me and it’ll come through by this point; I don’t get much coming in on those fronts at least!I do friend people who seem interesting, whom I’d like to learn more about or for whatever reason but I don’t actually play the “increase friends list” game and I unfriend people (usually it’s people I don’t really know or talk to) sometimes to keep it small. So I’m always amazed at how people handle hundreds and thousands of friends over there — I’ve got nowhere near that amount. I know that they don’t know all of those people that well to check everything so it does leave me wondering why. Why/how do people handle so many friends on facebook? Shall remain a mystery to me.

Art blog wise and learning philosophy
Just bear with my spaced out Save my Tribe doodles and People doodles in the coming months as I try to get the hang around anatomy to a basic level (I know it’ll take a decade to get it to a level of mastery!)
Just a heads up. I aim to do character sketches for Save my Tribe as well during my downtime in coming months and will space that out too as my preview images. This is just an idea at this stage though so let’s see what happens.

And then Position: Vacant promotional stuff I’ll need to do as MIAF comes closer and as mentioned, we can’t show it publicly yet when it’s still in festival screening stage this year.

In terms of learning,

  • listening and reading is one thing,
  • taking notes is another level,
  • understanding is the next,
  • doing/experiencing it is several levels higher,
  • reconstructing it in your own unique way is another huge collection of levels higher,
  • and teaching the whole thing to others at thorough, direct and engaging manner is at the top (but overlaps and reinforces the other lower levels as you give feedback and share with others and learn along the way)

Incredibly fun.

But ideally requires persistence, hard work, practice, focus, tackling the negativity of your mind, patience and supportive feedback loops.

I guess my teaching degree and brief teaching experience got applied here. Who really knows.
I’ve always enjoyed learning and problem solving whatever I set my mind on anyway. Probably why I enjoy puzzles regardless of whether I’m good at it or not. (:

Journey so Far
Just juggling learning anatomy and as usual, I am keeping focused and letting my fears drive me forward than paralyse me. So many voices in my head telling me (and the usual external one) what I should be doing but I’m just going to take it one step at a time on this tightrope I’m walking on. I do have a loose study plan, hope to rework my portfolio eventually and have been applying for day jobs and art relevant roles in the meantime.
Nothing new to me or you and it’s probably equally repetitive to you as it is terribly uncomfortable and uncertain for me. This is the real deal, I knew it was a terribly difficult road from the beginning so I shall keep tackling or block anything that kicks me off track. I know even professionals of many years feel the same fears as the industry keeps evolving.And what am I afraid of, honestly? In the short term, it’s not having money to keep going as I struggle to look for jobs in other fields (preferably in a relevant field) on a part time basis. But in the long term, it’s getting too distracted by money issues and getting too worried about a “back up” plan from staying focused on my art journey and career here. I’m not the first or the last to experience this inner conflict but it definitely makes me work harder as I know almost all of the battle is within the mind.

Despite these unavoidable fears (I’m sure they won’t eat me alive but it has always been a mental battle), I’m really enjoying the learning and it’s probably one of the most fun times I’ve had, especially after minimising the time I spend on social media (incredibly out of the loop at this point as I slowly decrease my usage) and mostly staying at my hermit cave, working on my own and adding to this blog.
I’m lucky to be able to do this!

Kind of excited to know what the future will bring actually! It’s usually so unpredictable and things don’t turn out as you expect it to!

Miss Type-a-lot strikes again. It’s only you who’s reading anyway.
Derp says hello and thank you. (:

Stay optimistic and keep fighting in your journey, you!
I know you’ve got your own challenges too!
How are you feeling about the weekend ahead?

Until next time, Leonie