๐Rainbow swim [Hermit Dragon Leonie part 6]
It’s Hermit Dragon Leonie (HDLeonie) in the rainbow river
My voxel illustrations continue! Playing about ;D
Pretending I’m adventurous ;P
Leonie rambles about…
4th run/attempt reached 20F
And you need to do this with every weapon set to fully complete it (there’s 16???)
โฆnot sure yet if I would do it, probably need lots of chips to make it easier ๐
This is hard…I keep dying at 20F
Noooo this is my 2nd time I reached 30F (6th run) and I still didn’t manage to defeat the boss
It took me around 80 minutes to get all the way up; I can only do 1 run at a time before I get eye strain/tiredness
Social media overthinking and second guessing if it’s mutual online connections
Yeah this comes up when games week comes around and people get “networking” with events :’)
I’m just rambling my feelings as I process them as a hermit, don’t mind me:
- I was feeling down when some inspiring peeps I followed didn’t really want to follow back
- I’ve been on both sides!
- it’s ok! It happens
- or peeps unfollowed and that’s valid and fair too as they have huge audiences and/or are not interested!
- or they were just building their audience and discarded me, who knows there’s many reasons
- it’s all vague and unspoken
- or when you do nice things for people in your life (not just social media) in consideration for them (without expectations)
- then realising they won’t consider, remember or care for you the same way…it sucks and hurts
- you feel used when it becomes a pattern
- you realise it’s not friendship but just professional acquaintances at best
- there’s me also not following back and people not wanting to connect anymore because I didn’t follow them back
- which is valid too – I get petty like that too haha
- I’ve lost their confidence for connection & they don’t want to interact with me anymore
- sad but can’t be helped
- I need to connect with people more in person/other ways that’s not as shallow
- or when you hope to be internet friends but they’re not mutual (and that’s ok)
- I’ll just move on too; you didn’t care for me right?? ;P
- if I’m anxious and second guessing on the connection itself, then it’s not really a connection I feel comfortable and safe with
- sidetrack: there are times where I connect with people I don’t know on LinkedIn but they have a lot of people I already know in their connections (so they feel like they’re connected with other peeps too)
- LinkedIn is more blatantly about collecting industry connections so I’m slightly less cautious compared to other platforms
- LinkedIn I care less since my feed is blocked from me (normally)
- so sometimes I connect with more industry peeps and not anywhere else since I’m not trying to keep tabs on what they post there
- so I don’t get emotionally affected by people’s career updates/shenanigans :’)
- for me it depends if we have mutuals and if I know about them and so on
- I do fear that I’m connected with terrible people but I’m not aware of it :’)
- back with social media in general, I do follow a lot of people and I don’t expect them to ever follow/acknowledge back
- we don’t know each other and their audience is huge
- I do get hurt when I did hope for mutual connection but I don’t get followed back
- or get unfollowed
- or more importantly not have any interactions/effort back
- (these are projected expectations I should manage)
- but I respect it, actions are louder than words
- hey if they keep posting as if you never followed and liked their posts then it seems clear
- it’s on me for hoping to be mutual acquaintances
- eventually and consequently I process feelings & things, close off and move on, unfollow
- this is so I stop feeling rejected and to stop projecting my emotional expectations on them when I see their posts on my feed
- I’ll have to clean up who I follow for my mental health after some months pass :’)
- now what annoys me is somehow some of them feel hurt and feel disrespected because I unfollowed?? It’s not often since most don’t actually confront me ;P
- they either question me
- or act passive aggressive with me with the silent treatment
- or just ignore me??
- social media becomes the extension into real connections in some ways
- they guilt me now – when they won’t follow, interact and/or consider my existence in the first place yet they expect unconditional, one sided support???
- at that point they’ve lost my respect when they’re actively pressuring me to follow them again
- or they just won’t talk/communicate what they’re feeling and avoid conflict (like me) and then the connection (that wasn’t strong enough) becomes lost oof :’)
- did you actually want to be an online acquaintance/friend or you just want “number go up” and I’m just an engagement number for clout to you?
- maybe me unfollowing just highlighted that there’s deeper issues and a lack of trust, communication and connection
- (I have my part in this too, not used to speaking up and being conflict avoidant) :’)
- also too much parasocial/projection of feelings going on that I need emotional distance on my end
- sometimes intrusive thoughts come up again though when I do see their name around and/or they’re friendly with people I know :’)
- there was a few situations where I explained why it’s time to move on (in general terms without too many specifics/reasons as I don’t want to blame anyone and/or dwell on reasons/issues)
- it was immediately agreed upon
- (so already they were feeling they wanted to end it but I had to speak up instead?)
- and/or they didn’t want to respond to me anymore
- and/or my attempt at expressing myself and feelings may have been misinterpreted
- and/or I didn’t express myself with more nuance
- and/or I was not brave enough to address the deeper feelings because I don’t want to emotionally burden/tmi someone else and I wasn’t comfortable and secure with them to truly discuss that
- there’s been a pattern of them not responding to it well or they’ve got their own struggles and I don’t want to add to them
- it was immediately agreed upon
- when I don’t follow back someone or I stopped following or not interacting online I’m giving myself space
- it’s not necessary me ending the connection/friendship
- well it could be, especially if I don’t want to engage/respond to you much anymore; it depends and this is complex and I’m reflecting and generalising my experiences with peeps here
- maybe they felt hurt, discarded, confused and wanted to be passive aggressive and petty;
- understandable and I’ve been there. I won’t know for sure
- well maybe it is the end since their industry friend(s) start ignoring, silent treatment, (disgusted?) and turning away from me too, at least one in person to my face :’)
- and I don’t even know them, as much as they’re known in the industry
- did I both deserve that/facing consequences and they were passive aggressive jerks too?? Yes…?
- in hindsight I should have muted them and pretended the connection was okay :’)
- or I just wanted some indication/reaction at the time
- but I mostly just wanted to distance myself
- at the least I won’t feel lonely, disappointed, insecure and anxious around them
- why I distanced myself in the first place because of my own issues :’)
- since I felt they were at a much better headspace than I am, the “just fix it yourself and leave the situation” attitude, it’s always brief and then they’re socialing off somewhere else (so I didn’t feel like I can rely on them) and I did feel inferior to them (they were more industry established)
- I don’t want to speak up nor say negative things about people though…maybe they were just disrespectful just with me because I wanted to distance myself :’)
- will people believe me when they’re more outgoing and connected in the industry?
- they seem like good people…? I just didn’t feel connected with them
- I won’t know what was said about me and if I’m just outcasted in negative ways I’m not aware of…I shouldn’t dwell on this
- it’s so many years ago, I have mostly moved on but I still remember so I can avoid them with my mixed feelings :’)
- they won’t ever read/see this since they’ve been ignoring me for too long anyway :’P
- I’m probably a selfish, antisocial butthole with trust issues to some
- maybe they felt hurt, discarded, confused and wanted to be passive aggressive and petty;
- anyhoo usually it’s me needing space and already feeling hurt that it felt one sided/unequal with complex feelings
- and/or I need the emotional distance
- and/or I’m intending to keep things at a polite distance again
- and/or I am just moving on, staying away for my mental health
- and/or not having the trust there anymore until actual issues, intentions, expectations, the past interactions are addressed, discussed, worked out and not avoided
- (this rarely ever happens because the trust and respect isn’t there/established for vulnerable conversations in the first place)
- and/or I’m not in the headspace to take in more brief online acquaintances
- and/or I feel uncomfortable,
- and/or not interested or lost interest
- and/or they make me anxious or creeped out
- and/or I feel insecure,
- resentful, disrespected, envious,
- neglected, lonely, disappointed around them
- and/or someone is pushing and disrespecting my boundaries
- (what I’m comfortable in doing & with privacy)
- or telling me to change when I did not want the pressure and advice
- and/or I don’t fully trust myself to not emotionally project things onto certain people
- (so I need distance indefinitely to manage my emotional shenanigans)
- and/or I don’t have the capacity to add more to my feed
- and/or their posts are not what I’m interested in
- and/or they make me feel terrible for being “too sensitive” or being dismissive, disrespectful in general
- and/or we’re just not on the same page with each other in some form or another
- and/or sometimes it’s just time to let go for the sake of mental health
- I don’t want to force anything either
- if it’s not working and it’s too stressful then it’s better to do our own thing
- and/or I’m just guarded with who I trust in general
- and/or I don’t feel welcomed, understood around them :’)
- and/or someone is putting the other on a pedestal and it’s not equal, it’s one sided and the dynamics are not great
- and/or we’re just not honest with each other, don’t actually want to help/support each other or don’t want to make space or effort to listen/care for each other beyond the polite personas
- wait isn’t this just acquaintances?? When the relationship isn’t deep nor established? Haha
- there’s times where it hurts when you’re not being listened to when you needed emotional support :’)
- and/or a million other possible reasons; nobody owes/gives explanations
- maybe it’s more likely given if trust and respect are built
- I apologise again (like in my last video) if I don’t follow everyone/anyone/anymore back nor should I be obligated to
- And nor should you feel obligated to follow me if you didn’t actually want to, changed your mind and didn’t feel the same too :’)
- and I’m allowed to change my mind too; we all do!
- just don’t guilt, manipulate with flattery/whatever else and pressure me please :’)
- that just makes me even more guarded and resistant
- don’t pressure me to do things I don’t want to do and let people be
- we can take things slow if we’re both interested in building the connection better one day/eventually
- but don’t make it an expectation/friendship transaction!!
- I have friends I don’t follow on social media but we keep connected and make the effort elsewhere too
- social media is not everything
- this rarely happens; at least it hasn’t before…
- we’re all changing, growing, reflecting, are flawed, are biased, have autonomy, make mistakes, set boundaries, are navigating the complex/fickle/uncertain/changing nature of the world/people and managing our own online spaces
- maybe one day things will change for the better, difficult things get discussed/worked out and people can connect again (not expected at all though, it needs to be genuine)
- or we live separately within our own life paths (usually the case)
- I don’t want to project emotional expectations onto others (out of lack) or get expectations projected onto me :’)
- trying to minimise this!
- it’s super stressful when I’m not sure about my connection with someone due to many reasons and that fuels my overthinking and insecurities the most
- communication, honesty, trust, reliability and respect are important
- even communicating that you don’t know and to talk about needs, expectations, intentions and things over to work things out is great too
- I’m happy to interact in general but I’m not obligated to reply to everything either
- there’s times I can’t think of anything to reply with :’)
- don’t assume I’m ignoring people – we’re all busy with our own lives, circles and headspaces
- often no one’s interacting or genuinely supporting on social media
- social media alone is not the place for strong connections
- I always appreciate the encouraging, kind words, likes, shares and all that – all I can do is express gratitude!
- with who I follow, again I want to curate and keep it to artist/industry people or internet people I watch
- I do unfollow people if needed, if they’re not mutual (for those I hoped for online friendship) and/or if their posts are not what I’m interested in
- again like anyone else, I can change my mind after some time too
- friendships/acquaintances should not be limited to only social media (though I can’t talk as I’m a hermit)
- occasionally I did keep following because I like their posts more than wanting the online connection
- trying to not let social media’s metrics get to me and I have muted people before
- loosely if I’m overwhelmed or feeling terrible, anxious, envious, resentful and insecure then I mute someone indefinitely :’)
- otherwise I’ll dread checking my feed altogether
- I don’t want the friendship be sustained via social media only anyway
- I need the connection and trust to be built elsewhere more substantial like text chats, calls and/or in person
- there have been people who stopped talking to me and/or lose interest when they realise that I really am a hermit and don’t do much social things :’)
- 1 to 1 chats (online) please!!
- With group social things I become an overstimulated observer :’)
- I’m just trying to manage my ego, expectations and feelings ;P
- focusing on other things that matter more
- less falling into obsessing when followers/subscribers go up or down by 1
- I often need to disconnect from too much social media again :’)
- ah being online too much…
- all I can do is give people a chance or two
- then move on if things didn’t work out at that time or indefinitely!
- it’s out of my control
- I’m allowed to ramble, vent and process things though here ;P
- Proofread/added more to my ramblings on social media overthinking & mixed/hurt feelingsโฆ
- Assume I edit posts the following day or so :’D
- I do curate who I follow & I do randomly check/like my followers’ posts in appreciation when I can manage it! ๐
Other things and personal update
- I was happy so far 2 peeps shared some cupcake photos with me and I got 5 reposts/shares :’D
- yes I’m just celebrating & appreciating what I have; thanks for encouraging me!! <3
- it’s fleeting though as I go back to “well here we go again”, still trying to manage my insecurities and sadness though :’)
- I wasn’t expecting ~100 views on my last video :0
- I don’t have a huge engaged audience; a lot of people aren’t interested in what I post
- that’s probably good in that I don’t have as much pressure…if I were to reframe it
- the fear of being perceived is real at times
- wanting to keep things more at my blog and maybe youtube
- maybe I should do some more voice over short rambles on youtube hmm
- ear clogged up and I couldn’t hear
- well had to keep using the wax remover I was using for 3 nights and then get it syringed…
- having a clogged/impaired hearing sucks…
- I kept going “huh???” because I can’t hear on one side…
- oof when I got my ear syringed it got right in there!!
- I can finally hear now :’D FINALLY
- So much for having a relaxing break ๐
- also concerned with post cold non infectious coughing fits I have at times…
- just tired of finding things complicating my life ๐
- it’s been over 8 weeks since that week when I had a cold and the coughing fits come and go still
- so yes I have post infectious cough that won’t go away and/or my childhood asthma came back oof
- I’m not sure if I need the inhaler or if I just wait longer for the dry coughing to go away
- does having asthma during childhood mean I have asthma for life? I forgot to ask :S
- I don’t want to make people uncomfortable either
- then again I mask up and social distance when I can
- I walked 30,000 steps a day for one week to feel something (Makari Espe)
- she’s saying don’t do 30k but 10k ?
- It takes 5hrs+ to do 30k!! And takes 90 minutes to do 10k…
- A commenter said 8 to 10 bodyweight squats every 20 minutes is better so I’m just doing squats a lot at a time to test it out
- Mouthwashing (CW disturbing, dark, horrific themes)
- is such a thought provoking, disturbing, great story game
- I finally bit the bullet and cleaned the toilet properly because no one else would :’)
- I finally reached 100 peeps on Bluesky yay!
- I was considering quitting but I guess I’ll keep crossposting there
- maybe update gaming shenanigans
- it’s super quiet there
- it is super encouraging, reassuring and wonderful when peeps are interacting when I thought I was posting to a mostly quiet audience/void (most peeps are lurkers, not active/present or not interested) :’D
- looking forward to Mario & Luigi: Brothership!!
MIGW/PAXAus is still going but I’m just a hermit observer :0 People seem to be having fun I hope?
Wow I’ve posted 4 blog posts already this month due to work shenanigans and there’s still 3 more weeks! I warned peeps on my tiny discord that it’ll be busy haha. This month is not the norm as I strive to do at least 1-4 posts a month :0
I’m still juggling even though I’m supposed to take it easy :”)
I’m just slowly doing some chores I’ve been procrastinating on plus slowly figuring out learning and art too. At least I’m trying to get through Splatoon 3’s Side Order!
I’m tired…and I end up zoning out and just trying to decompress a lot. And there’s going to be a lot of juggling ahead!
There’s a lot of scary things happening; please take care and stay safe!
Here we goooo
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