Illustration / Happy day of love! πŸ’™

In this blog:

  • Cat and love
  • Personal ramble about autism & asexuality

Happy Day of Love! Enjoy lots of good quality times and kindness with your loved ones and especially yourself <3

This cat quietly stares at the concept of love and self love ;D

As you know I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day nor do I have a partner so I’ll keep treating this as a reminder for more quality times involving friendship, family, loved ones and self love <3

Chocolate is nice too :’)

Personal Ramble on this video about Demisexuality and Autism

I relate in some ways to this video, for me I’m somewhere between grey-ace and ace?? I’m probably more of an ace person plus the emotional connection is a must! For a long while I’ve been figuring it out, understanding, learning and accepting this. Not that it’s your business nor is it a big deal, so I’ll keep it within this blog – taking advantage of the fact that most don’t read this and I want to scare off online creepy people with mysterious intentions, shoo! πŸ˜›

I have no problem when people express their sexual attraction if they’re honest, obvious and upfront about it, especially since subtlety goes over my oblivious head. But I get creeped out by people when they’re not upfront and clear with their motives, they keep persisting even when I’m not interested, pushing/forgetting/ignoring boundaries, act hot & cold and/or they treat people as just objects to mate and flirt with – no thanks that’s not for me! Go have fun with someone else who feels mutually the same, is consenting and cool with it.

Sure I’m not responsible for other’s feelings and all I can do is be honest about my own feelings and actions, if I can do it bravely, tactfully and safely. But not being honest, communicative and hiding things consistently is what loses my respect the most, especially if we’re trying to build a genuine connection. In reality many people treat each other this way and keep people at an emotional distance if they’re not close, interested and/or compatible with them including myself so all I can say here is that people are complex, messy, fickle, emotionally driven (and self preserving as a kind reader aptly called it)!

Frustrating, disrespectful and confusing as things can be, I guess that’s the subtle, passive and non-confrontational way to reject others and move on. :S

Ultimately if I can’t see connection/future happening and my interest is gone, I don’t bother as I usually keep to myself. I just attempt to minimise any romantic attraction I have :’) Sometimes people’s actions speak differently and louder so integrity and the connection itself comes into question – I don’t know 100% what they want from me! :’)

Subtle social stuff is confusing!

If I am truly invested, comfortable and close enough, with the benefit of the doubt I will ask and clarify. Most of the time I observe and judge from their actions/inaction and move on. I have no time for emotional games and getting ghosted often; too much anxiety, disappointment, confusion, doubts and lies. Please tell me what you mean and want :0

Hey from my perspective, if you get ghosted, that means you’re not in their inner, communicative, close circle to begin with. You’re getting pushed away. They’re not comfortable or bothered to express themselves honestly. And I don’t want to fight against that; ongoing friendships is definitely a slow burn but shouldn’t be full of friction, disappointment and lack of communication after all. Most people come and go and that’s fine too.

There have been exceptions where I felt safe and comfortable for a polite, kind, friendly hug (consenting hugs are great!) But I usually don’t want to touch most people beyond the polite and/or friendly stuff and I do feel awkward and/or uncomfortable about it when I feel “expected/obliged” to give something back. How do you even have sexual/physical attraction without a strong emotional bond?? Then again, I don’t know if I’ve even experienced much sexual attraction at all. Maybe romantic, loving and long hugs and physical & emotional affection is more ideal for me.

Hey sometimes people do look amazing, charming, friendly and visually attractive but I don’t really feel sexually attracted and I don’t want to be pressured into anything. People are just people to me. Some others are more emotionally important to me. Some are visually/aesthetically attractive. A few I may find them attractive in a romantic way. I have to keep reminding myself that what I experience isn’t the norm.

I did have some unfounded romantic feelings, romantic attraction and idealised projections in the past but they didn’t last the more I got to know about those individuals as my rosy projections shatter. It hurts when you haven’t really lost anything (or I’m probably unaware of it).

Not everyone is compatible, right, interested, mutual or honest with you. I guess I’m a complex bundle of sappy romantic, realistic and detached? I don’t know, feelings are not logical. I’m just someone hoping for romantic, affectionate companionship with nothing too sexual in a world where most people respectfully have sexual needs. I’m at peace with it if I don’t ever find someone (most of the time). All the same, I need several years of quality, emotional bonding time and honest, consistent communication before I trust and warm up to people as friends as it is :’)

Now I’m just striving for friendships that aren’t just based on give and take alone (transactional/conditional). Genuine mutual connection, trust, interest, giving, affection, support, communication and appreciation are harder to come by. Plus even harder for a solitary hermit like me! I understand why people insist on making friends outside of your industry too for broader perspectives outside of your own career. Not that I have much of those haha

Maybe my situation and mindset will change in the future but these are my jumbled thoughts at the moment.

Anyhoo Valentine’s is just another day for me and probably for lots of other people too. I’m feeling miserable with monthly pains today so I’m just going to curl up and take things slow ;’)

Now let’s shush about these personal topics; enjoy your day of chocolate and all kinds of love in your life! Take care <3

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