Timelapse compilation of 6 poses! [Little short] Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Kung Fu Peach! The last 2 illustrated poses I did!

And I still haven’t had the time to play the game yet – I’ll get to it eventually…

Leonie rambles about…

• I watched Knives Out: Glass Onion finally and it was an excellent fun time!
  • I guessed the culprit along the way but the silly, campy journey is the most fun, entertaining part!
• Also been watching the game Harold Halibut and it’s charming and enjoying it very much! What an ending :’)
• Patriarchy According to the Barbie Movie (Pop Culture Detective)
• Got sucked in listening to Kendrick‘s tracks and reactions! Goodness I’m not even a rap person and it’s brilliantly done and full of anger, hate, depth and storytelling
  • Euphoria was whoa!! Meet the Grahams emotionally affected me and Not Like Us (and many other memorable lines) got stuck in my head
  • also BBL Drizzy (people repurposing this for Metro Boomin’s contest) got stuck in my head
  • lots of conspiracies and discussions happening too
• Dealing with Jealousy (Toniko Pantoja)
  • oh I definitely have jealousy (it’s more leaning towards envy) and pettiness due to my upbringing in survival mode, being a scapegoat, how unfair the world is to people and struggling forward as an anxious, quiet, dead pan, neurodivergent blob
  • now I manage and reframe it – as people are all struggling in their own paths and some people just are luckier than others and it’s out of my control
  • it’s definitely the desire to belong, be acknowledged, not be lonely while sticking to your principles and values
  • I’m insecure, envious, sad and discouraged since I focus on things I lack too much at times – it comes in waves during low, sad, lonely times
    • thanks for bearing with me as I vent, process and express my thoughts
  • I do feel pressure to create something I can call my own and so far publicly it’s just my personal comics and that was years ago
  • I am slowly learning basic Blender though!
  • I relate to “am I not enough???” People just don’t care enough when you’re a hermit not active in their lives
  • sometimes I just don’t have the capacity to handle huge projects
    • (I burn out and stress horribly and I am not a leader when I’m not high in emotional intelligence and social dynamics/management, interpersonal relationships)
    • I’m happier as a support artist or someone who takes charge of small projects
    • I do long for some degree of creative freedom as I learn and grow – I keep having to figure that out as try things or I get stuck being typecasted :0!!
  • I feel like I’m being pulled into too many directions and I’m not sure what I’m doing…
• I did a ramble at instagram stories and trying to get through the waves of feeling discouraged (the whole Meta Verified for businesses subscription thing doesn’t help)
  • as artists not being able to reach much people when sharing stuff is what’s frustrating but it’s not what I can control
  • as a kind reply encouraged and reminded me:
    • platforms are never for us
    • are unfair
    • they just want to keep people on there and users are the product
    • all I/we can do is just share and create things and hope for the best
    • anything else is not expected and is a bonus, we’re not entitled to anything
  • I’m just resentful, tired, frustrated and am trying to care less about it ahhhhh
• Twitter is wearing me down so I need to move on, emotionally distance myself and let go of it
  • as I said in my last post, I’m doing it and I’m not keeping twitter up to date anymore
  • not that most people actually respond to my posts anymore, most people I used to know don’t really see, scroll past or aren’t there anymore ;P
  • I feel sad but hey I’ll update there if there’s a rare important update or something? I don’t know
• I was also discouraged since my last blog post reached 2 kind peeps when the usual is 5-8
  • (yes my blog does not have much of an audience)
  • I need to push through these low periods :’)
  • I feel like youtube is what reaches a bit more people
  • my blog doesn’t keep most people and ultimately I write for myself (reassuring myself here)
• random: I can’t seem to do unbalanced (heels off floor uh oh) deep squats that would allow me to wipe inside the washing machine – is there a way to do it without stressing out my knees when there isn’t much space??
  • my knees hurt as warnings, making me afraid of injuring myself again and limping
  • ah getting old they say :’)
• slowly I can have more food and can cook things again with a fridge…I’m trying to get used to this new normal again!
  • Routines changing again take up headspace and energy :’)
  • also having the desire to eat junk food / desire to stress eat :’)

Personal ramble

Gosh sometimes I wake up with the fear of being all alone in this world and not being able to survive, adapt and far from being able to thrive…just not valued for existing. Not being great at “basic life skills” with my own hyper self critical lens. And then I get low key anxious for a good part of my morning and even afternoon…

How do people do, adapt and brave this on their own? Indeed many adults managed via trial and error, experience and practice – so why can’t I? Well I’d rather not be all alone, stressing out even more when surviving in the first place!! I definitely lack the self confidence :’)

I’m conflicted with doing what feels right for my life right now versus what I think adults “should” be doing at my age bracket. So far I’ve been doing the former but the guilt, envy and sadness of not being the “well adjusted, fully experienced, fulfilled adult” (a moving, projected target and fantasy) comes back every now and then. There is no such thing as a perfect adult but there’s always many who are better at the things I lack haha oof

I don’t have close, reliable non family friends that I can/will see regularly. I’m so much of a low energy, overstimulated, grumpy hermit that it’s not sustainable for me to “just push yourself out there” regularly. I end up existing as a lonely zombie who wants to shut down within herself when I struggle to maintain that. I can’t keep it up for friendship mileage when I don’t want to go out too much. Who can accept me as I am (and vice versa)? Excuses as they are, I don’t want to drain and exhaust myself just because I think that’s what’s expected of me 🙁

The “go outside to talk to new 2-3 new people” advice I keep hearing – I’m a hermit so it’ll have to be streaming if I wanted some form of ongoing interaction. Yes back to that again :’) Maybe 1-2 new people a month is more realistic…but events aren’t really that regular…

Anyhoo as I said a long while ago, I do hope to do outings when it feels right! I feel like I do have to force myself though. Not right now though as weather is colder and people are sick and getting colds a lot! If it does happen it’ll have to be after winter ;P

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