When I can’t keep up with conversations going on.

I get overwhelmed, distance myself as a passive learning listener or even zone out. Not knowledgeable, witty, confident, comfortable and/or interested enough to speak. :'(Harsh as it sounds, I’m too conditioned to keep my thoughts to myself and there’s no use in sharing if I don’t have experience, value and knowledge to back my words. Conserving my low energy, especially with groups. If I’m not directly asked, I don’t feel like I’m needed or valued. I need preparation time and take my time to consider what I think and do too.

As silly, ignorant and slow I am, I guess that’s why I strive to be open minded and to just listen, observe and learn.And sometimes it becomes a vicious cycle of isolation and loneliness.

All I can muster are emoji reactions and “going with the flow” when I don’t have much energy or interest to actually engage with words. 🙁 Words require time for me to process and think.

I know the idea is to find out what you find interesting in other people but it often becomes “other people educate me about things” and a one sided conversation where people talk about what they know and themselves while I listen and learn. Which is fine but over long periods of time, it can get draining for all parties.

Some assume I don’t have anything interesting to say and aren’t that interested in listening to me as it happens. It’s normal. I mean it just means we weren’t close and mutual enough to begin with.

And in my head, I’m hesitant to talk about myself when I do so already here in this blog. People need to earn my attention, time, friendship and emotional energy, not take me for granted and demand it. It goes both ways for them too right? ;P

So emojis are my low energy way of saying, “I read/heard and acknowledge what you’ve said. I read/listened. But I have nothing to add. I am too ignorant to contribute. Or not bothered, interested, energised or comfortable to do it.”

Except unlike normal people, that’s what I do as the default. :’)

…oh noooo

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