SuperListenMode: Lady shakes fist at social media boundaries, feelings & struggles + misc MIGW notes

SuperListenMode: Thank you for your support!! 

Email me for urgent, important things!
Or just reach out on social media, I’ll get back to you eventually.
Currently I pop in a few times a week and then take many breaks from social media. Or I take even longer indefinite breaks.

Apologies for delayed responses! I am indeed posting things from a distance. When social media isn’t helpful to myself and/or to those around me, I need to keep away until I feel emotionally ready.

I’ll get back to you! 

It’s my quiet online home ♥

For your information, I normally use social media for lurking and occasional interaction a few times to once a week. Or monthly. Or after several months or even longer basis. Consequently I keep my feed super small so I don’t have too much to catch up with. I don’t follow many peeps to manage social media overwhelm :’)  

Oh dear, Facebook

I check it the least. In spite of my best efforts, I don’t like using Facebook.

I refuse to use messenger [none of it is on my phone so please email me! I will not get messages on time and I know people keep forgetting this]. Instead facebook is for me to remember acquaintances/friends I’ve comfortably met and maybe for events! I think I only get invites when it’s emailed :’)

Again, I fiercely refuse to use facebook messenger regularly. And when I’m not on a break, I use facebook sparingly. 😛 Yes I use facebook to share rare personal posts or a few facebook groups if I need/want to reach out. It’s rare though.

But please stop using it to contact me and expecting a fast response. It’s not a platform I use too much especially when I can’t schedule posts to my personal profile page anymore. I can’t keep up with a platform, just because everyone else is.

When I’m on break from social media, I am completely and irreversibly cut off with software for a set time period. I don’t care if fb messenger is the best for messaging ;P

People who know me will email and reach me if they need to invite me anyway. Not that I get invited to anything anymore, as a homebody who’s not close to the city ;D I’m not great at taking the initiative to keep in contact when I’m such a solitary, retreating grump and homebody by nature.

Admittedly facebook is my general, shallow and passive way for me to stay “connected” on a platform I don’t like and be super picky with twitter/instagram. There’s definitely the professional desire for online connection but I need to be interested in their work, have meaningful interactions and/or time spent with a person.

Gut feeling, friendship, connection and someone I find inspiring enough are who I aim to follow. As arrogant as it sounds, I’m not interested in many things either and I find social media noisy as it is. My principle nowadays is to not feel pressured or obliged to follow anyone new. So I don’t bother with it unless I *really* want to connect. And super respect and trust someone.

I feel terrible sometimes when I feel someone is very cool in what they do but I don’t know or interact with them as a person. Sometimes I just want to follow their work and I don’t want to know too much about their personal life. Sometimes I don’t want to follow their work online but I like and respect them as a person. It’s not necessarily about friendship – people post a lot of things and I don’t want everything. It’s rare when I feel I want to follow everything someone does.

Usually I don’t want to bother weighing/judging all this [my feelings and logic clashing with each other] and let things happen naturally instead. I’ll follow if I actually want to, especially with online friendships built over time! Not when I feel pressured or obliged to. Either way, it’s a case by case basis and it doesn’t mean it’s maliciously personal.

Sadly if I quit Facebook [since I consider that sometimes but don’t have the courage to do it], I would lose the majority of people I’ve met. Not that they’re actively part of my life anymore. I’ve certainly cleaned up my friends list along the way. At the moment, I think I did quit facebook a lot, in essence ;P

It is what it is. I don’t post too many personal fb posts anyway…perhaps some sentimental bits and posts for help. ;P That said, people following me on a passive on/off basis is much better than nothing in my eyes (:

Facebook is good in small doses because I still have a handful of kind people engaging with me on my Facebook page…so it would be so hard to completely quit. Maybe I’ll have the courage to one day but it’s still a tiny bit useful because a lot of people don’t want to leave Facebook. :’)

Instead I’ll just block myself for long periods of time. That’s the next closest thing to quitting, right? I might not go back to facebook at this rate haha

Yes I have my fb art page…

which is a big reason I can’t 100% eliminate Facebook. There’s kind sweet people on facebook there! Leaves me internally conflicted.

This is in consideration for peeps who hate twitter and/or instagram and don’t bother checking my blog. So when I’m not on social media break, I can catch up quickly since the amount of people who actually comment is pretty manageable and small.

Other than that, I don’t check too much of my feed and don’t really enjoy using Facebook. It feels too personal, creepy and too much emotional/personal/life information with people you vaguely know.

I don’t like being always available on chat with everyone on my friends list. People need to be close to me and earn that privilege ;P

I’m super sensitive and I’m done with being available to everyone.

Done with chasing for people’s friendship and connection when I don’t feel great and true to myself when I’m in their company. I’d rather take things super slow…a turtle pace with friendships in general.

Hey Instagram and Twitter I have mixed feelings with too. 

Oh Instagram!

It’s passive on the most part but peeps ninja like and check there more? A lot of photos and art posts and increasingly I’m feeling less compelled to check other’s highlights, stories and photo moments without context. In general, the more time I spend on it, the less personal it feels.

You know you’re not the only friend viewing it, that you’re a part of their audience and as an individual, it doesn’t matter. You’re seeing a lovely curated moment and memory of their life. And that’s fine. It’s low effort online connection by lurking, ghosting and stalking from the audience ;P You just scroll through. Sometimes start a conversation based on what people have posted.

For me I currently follow a small handful and muted a few until I’m in a better headspace to check again. Sometimes I don’t even check my feed. Striving to not fall into the addictive system for notifications. That said, I’ve deleted the app altogether so I can spend less time on my phone. It worked! 😀 Still, it’s on my iPad so that I still can post certain kinds of art sometimes.

Again, I don’t feel comfortable following/stalking the personal lives of the people too much. It feels intrusive and too much for me sometimes when you haven’t spoken to them much at all. So indeed, pretty hesitant to follow new people unless I *really* want to, or I will feel resentfully one sided, pressured and overwhelmed :’)

Aside from personal photos, instagram also feels so heavily geared towards branding yourself, collaborations, business discounts/sales and curated artwork and timelapses. It varies how much time it takes to create content to keep others’ attention, loyalty and interest in your curated brand/service/personal adventures. I just don’t want to blindly play that hustle game right now. Not ready yet! I need to figure out my voice first.

I would like to work on my self confidence first so I can follow others from a genuine, inspired, happy place. Especially with so much wonderful artists out there. (:

Yes I think too much about these things and where I put my time and attention.

Deal with it ;P

So I am definitely humbled and grateful when people understand all of this and kindly follow me anyway ♥

Oh noisy Twitter

…is a void of noise and engaging with peeps is a hit or miss too…it’s been mostly mixed when it comes to actual interaction. I don’t know what to do with Twitter, even though I have the largest audience there across all the platforms I’m on.

Everything is addictive and even though I don’t follow the “ideal” amount of people, I still need to use social media less! There’s so much negative news and drama there and it leaves me depressed about the world sometimes.

But on good days, things are alright for me to pop in and out without getting too deep and overwhelming *because* of the fact that I don’t follow that many people. Anyone can just comment/tweet and I’ll eventually get around to the few responses I get. Hey my hope is that we can build a connection from active interaction, not on the basis of whether we follow each other or not. :’)

[Hey if you actively follow me at all I already appreciate you! Feel free to comment/interact if you have any questions. Being a lurker is fine too! Thank you again!]

In recent years especially I feel empty and isolated after using Twitter so these breaks are helping me focus on more meaningful, recreational and/or productive things.

I’ve deleted Twitter and Instagram off my phone. I’ll just check them on my computer whenever I feel like it.

And discord and Slack

I’m making sure I check sometimes or if someone directly mentions me ;P But trying to manage how much I check just as I do with social media.

Removed my blog comments

Because it’s another thing to moderate with time I don’t have. In the past it’s just a few dedicated, kind people who engage but I’d rather engage through my email newsletter or emails. I’ll leave community building over at social media and patreon instead.

I take lots of social media breaks

…because I feel bad and emotionally drained whenever I get carried away and am on it for too long.

I block myself from all social media platforms with software and apps a lot of the week, including weekends! Or longer during my indefinite breaks!

However much time I need to recharge. I need *a lot* of alone time.

Personal space and privacy are super important to me.

And again, you get influenced by what you consume. At least for me it’s super easy to get distracted, addicted, lonely, unfocused, depressed when I’m on social media for too long. I need to work on myself, definitely. (:

Weirdly enough when I’m on breaks, I want to procrastinate from using it further and further. I anticipate the things I “need” to check, the dopamine rush then the sad, empty realisation that I didn’t miss anything too important, that most things are pretty shallow and that life goes on without me. I don’t want to face that existential dread and disconnect too much! ;’D

I guess I’m a social media ghost & loner!

Regardless your safest bet is emailing me instead!

Or kindly be patient with me during my regular/indefinite breaks. (:

Remember this comic earlier this year? Shaking my fist at social media ramble

Yes I’m the silly, sensitive butt talking about this again :’)

It is pretty humbling to see people still following me and my art!
There’s people unfollowing me too and as much as I feel moments of sadness and rejection, I respect that! All the best. Again, thank you so much for your support for those who stick around!! I am super grateful! <3  

I note that I feel I have plateaued with my following across platforms so it means I need to work on my art and on myself better! Or even better, just don’t care about the numbers. I didn’t like how I turned into someone who’s internally conflicted with her numbers so much. Just cut out social media platforms I’m not enjoying. Adjusting how I spend my time. Trying to figure out my own personal growth really.    

Been trying to find my own way to “break walls down” that’s meaningful to me.

Following cool people even when I’m not interested in following their updates doesn’t feel true to me and I tend to get easily emotionally invested and influenced as it is. I don’t care if I am too sensitive…I don’t want more fuel to overthink and spiral into a hole of endless negativity and comparison. Social media is great at providing an overload of too much information if you’re not careful.

I ghost on the internet [as most people do] because I’m too afraid to immediately engage about my silly feelings I put out there. I am afraid of burdening others with my thoughts and feelings. Too much noise out there as it is. And I don’t want to engage and absorb everyone’s feelings and struggles on the spot either. I need to process and emotionally prepare myself with some solitary personal space too.

On the other hand, many use social media stalking in order to start conversations with people too. Consequently there’s a lot of pressure to keep checking things [or get left behind on what people are doing or social events] and it’s convenient, time consuming and passive to keep tabs on people heavily this way.  

I have mixed feelings with social media in general because I have accepted that I can’t really deeply connect with people on social media but I benefit from it too! Because this is how most people keep tabs on me since I’m pretty reserved, quiet, aloof, deadpan and low energy in person. Apparently I’m mysterious too but I don’t know about that ;P I just don’t find myself interesting. 

I don’t want to go too deep into social media because I feel pressured to or if I’m coming from a place of desperation, loneliness and desire to please others, if I can help it. The pressure is real. I mean I am still rambling so much about this. Social media is an addictive platform of comparison with others’ best [or projected] version of their lives whether I am conscious of it or not. I’m not a competent, well adjusted, healthy, perfect person of society and I already have a low self esteem and confidence…so usually I don’t feel great being or happy on it. I’m putting down my boundaries. I don’t want to open myself to it too much for the sake of my mental well-being. I’ll engage when I’m in a good headspace.

Increasingly I don’t want to see or let others see too much into my private life especially when we’ve only just met a few times or we’re not in each other’s lives anymore. I’m terrible with awareness about others’ feelings until they explicitly tell me. I’m not good at “keeping in contact” when it’s optional and especially when the bond isn’t that strong and mutual yet.

It feels cliquey, unfair, unrealistic and shallow to expect people to passively keep up to date with all your online posts. It’s not even the full picture of the people themselves. Too overwhelming! Hey I know lots of people I know don’t even read these blog posts. I might stumble upon things when I lurk but I don’t want to intentionally look and stalk into everyone’s daily lives or drama all the time. I don’t need to know everything about an acquaintance.

Plus it’s super easy to follow others’ lives and not really deal with my own.  Living my life through others’ posts and videos is another form of escapism I need to be aware of. Trying to be more aware about what I consume and what I do for recreation in general because time is valuable.

Consider me out of the loop with your posts! Let’s talk about it in person or email instead. Or interact with me online. I need meaningful connections with people in my life and social media alone doesn’t cut it. Consequently, I don’t check many feeds anymore.  

I don’t like being available. Nope.

I don’t like being on call for everyone.

I don’t like always being connected.

I don’t want to absorb people’s day to day lives.

I’m not everyone’s friend.

So I struggle with social media heaps because I want to be an artist who connects with people and puts her work out there :S

Hey I do want people to know me by my work.

Not me directly in the spotlight though. Wishful thinking perhaps.

Always fighting the fear of missing out.

And my desire to connect deeply with people.

Sometimes I do put on this positive mask/persona when I push and open up myself to be sociable, empathise, connect, learn and find common ground with others. It’s super draining if I do it too long [in person and online] so it might seem like I’m going hot and cold…it’s really a tricky juggle of social interaction and recovery from emotional labour on my end. I’m not good at it but I’ll keep doing my best.  

Hey I’m reserved, introspective, blunt, quiet and boring by nature. Typing allows me to process and articulate my thoughts and feelings best too. I’m a mix of Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore. Still learning what works and is genuine for me.  

I want to manage how much time I interact with people on my terms. I want to keep personal and professional mostly separate and learning how better do that. As much as I share personal opinions and feelings, I think social media as whole has become “professional” and real life day to day shenanigans is mostly private for me.  

Generally I don’t like putting too many personal parts of myself out there with people I’ve actually met and know, hoping for online connection.

Because it hurts much, much more when nothing or little engagement happens. Especially when it’s people you’ve actually met. Plus most are too busy to check or care.

I don’t want to be connected with acquaintances too much and too fast especially when no effort to actually interact and connect is made. It feels so uncomfortable, weird and creepy to have access to so much information about each other already but we don’t actually know each other as we change and aren’t even in each other’s lives anymore.  

I don’t want to stalk people and analyse people’s intentions based on what they post online. I don’t like my insecure side that ignores my personal values and boundaries and judges myself harshly against others. It brings out the worst in me :<  

You might say, what about your blog Leonie? You talk about your personal struggles and feelings heaps!

Well very few people read these and there’s no expectation nor hope that people will. Very few people comment or interact with it at all. This blog is for me to document my journey. I get to reflect, process and talk about my feelings, thoughts, lessons and values at my own pace. People reading them and getting value from them is my bonus.

But with social media, I actually and admittedly do hope people like and interact with my posts. Everything feeds into a system of social validation, checking what people value and my insecurity. As much as I hate it, there is still a small degree of “people pleasing”.  

As a compromise, I truncate my blog posts as social media posts and link people back here [if people don’t mind reading that is].  

This blog is kind of my safe online home.
I don’t care as much here ;D  

Digressing, I cannot pretend that you’re still my friend or acquaintance when I don’t know you in person that well in the first place. Hey you could be super cool, friendly and kind. But we haven’t really spent much quality time together for me to genuinely say we have any form of genuine friendship or connection. Please let us take things slow and naturally without expectations for friendship to happen! 😀  

This is why I emphasize email or in person catch ups much more now. 

With my art and blog, it’s more an artist and audience thing and I can distance myself better. I don’t feel as pressured to be interested in everyone’s feed and be everyone’s friend. I usually post art, hide and then interact a bit later.  

Perhaps I care and consider too much about my actions :’)
Too silly and sensitive. I’m an alien, trying to embrace and own my love of solitude better. Making sure I get my needs met rather than force myself to fit in and feel like something’s wrong with me. Like I have most of my life. 

There’s some people I follow from way back that don’t interact with me, don’t engage social media that much or post too many things. I might need to sort out who I follow/friend every now and then. Let people go and perhaps we’ll interact again.

But I’m too scared to make it lower than what I have because of the fear of burning bridges – social media bridges. I feel like I can’t close doors and fully stick to my principles for long term online mutuals. In turn, this makes me afraid of following new people, unless I’m super confident in wanting to see, support, return and learn from their posts for the foreseeable future [being a good friend/person helps!] Yep I’m a nitpicky mean butt.

Maybe I’ll follow more inspiring peeps once I’m ready & in a better, positive headspace. Or I won’t bother stressing about it. For now, I’m just not going to follow new people and only make exceptions if I feel like I can manage a new person and am coming from a genuine, positive place.

I’m super glad I’m evolving my own personal boundaries with my social media feed.

I’ve probably created an echo chamber as I learn to curate what I consume and what/who I follow on the internet. At least I’m taking control of this.

Ultimately the only thing I control is what I put my attention to. Aside from social media overwhelm, I don’t want to spend too much time wasted on consuming social media. I’m already watching heaps of twitch and youtube as it is! I get so easily distracted! Other times I do indefinite social media breaks when I need personal space and focus.  

As much I feel bad, guilty for being mean for not following back and being out of the loop, I know I cannot be everyone’s internet friend.  

Maybe catch up, talk and build a connection with me in person, respond to my posts or email instead? Which is too much effort, right? Good. ;D  

Hey, there’s more to life than the internet.
Life is too short to worry about this as I remind myself! I got lots to grow in art and life!  

I am still here & happy to interact anyway…when I’m ready (:

Thank you for reading all this! Phew!      


MIGW18 sticker haul [Oct 2018]! 

I’m not even a sticker collector person haha My brother suddenly bought me a @route59games’s Necrobarista sticker sheet from PAXAus, @Jason_bakker gave me stickers for @WaywardStrand [thanks KalonicaMaizeGoldie, Jason & many others for the company, tea & showing me around even when I was dying and sick], lovely hug & chat with @CherieDavidson+ her sticker for @YospacePrincess@PraneeMcKinlay’s @FutureStateMach stickers!  

PS: I managed to gift away all my 2018 cat & assorted stickers!! Yay! I wasn’t confident that people would want them, especially when I was getting deliriously sick on Thursday 🙁 Currently still miserable with a terrible cold and slight fever :’)  

PPS: Super bummed I didn’t get to test my noise cancelling headphones for PAXAus! Especially since I avoided going to late night crowded parties. Ah well.