I guess I’m cramming most of it in my title ;D

Little timelapse!

It’s Toadette and her Elephant form being winners!

I am still creeped out by the human hands :’)

Leonie rambles about the state of concept art & what GenAI cannot do

Wow came across a dooming video from a concept artist (I don’t know them but they have experience in games) on the saturated games industry…not going to link them because I am not sure about them and I didn’t actually watch the video anyway. I only read comments/conversations by the artist on their video and admittedly didn’t bother watching their video since I didn’t want to be depressed further.

• how genAI will take over most jobs (prediction that’s shared by many desperate, struggling artists),
• concept artist jobs are scarce (this artist says they’re in famine mode with game contracts right now),
• top industry artists are also job hunting, senior artists are fine(??)
• salaries/rates get cut down when they rehire artists after they realise they need (some) artists back,
• jobs won’t recover when/after genAI establishes itself (get rid of this unethical genAI thing ahhh),
• years of learning the skill (and many creative, technical skills) will go to waste under large corporations
• everyone has to change jobs/careers, work in a trustworthy indie company or become an independent entrepreneur to survive

A lot of which I have heard of before from a few other artists. I know some artists will insist on doing traditional art for the physical, tangible value. Or just be another art tutorial person, teaching more people to become artists?

On the other side of the coin, the FZDSchool for Concept Design tackles “What AI cannot do” (wasn’t there alleged teaching contract payment issues and broken promises between a big industry concept artist and the school years ago? I don’t remember as it’s been years but I do remember the artist actually shared a contract template at the time to make sure other artists don’t get misled). As much as I used to watch this channel (when I didn’t know what I wanted to do) I don’t really know Feng Zhu or the school aside from students who used to go through vigorous long hours of intense learning there.

Also I’m not interested in industrial design even though that supposedly has more stable creative/technical jobs :’)

Digressing as it’s still nice to be more aware. Feng Zhu talks about how AI gets too much credit on what it can do.

Edit: Is he too optimistic, unrealistic and dismissive of AI? Apparently economic trends are changing overall across industries and it’s a lot of cost cutting. And there’s a part of me who thinks that he’s fine since he’s in the business with this studio & teaching business going for so long but not for the majority of artists :’)

Here are my notes and thoughts on it as someone who’s not trying to be an industrial designer:

• I’m sad that (many) illustrators are out of a job according to this – I guess that’s why I’m not getting jobs for years
  • pretty images isn’t good enough…yeah I figured because it is saturated of it
    • (and if it’s just big form, small character and the basic big, medium and small shape/form visuals)
  • but making the art is the fun part…why is that taken away :’)
  • should I feel sad that what illustration isn’t something I would get clients for?
• genAI is great at big forms, surface level stuff, cool/flashy stuff and fundamentals
  • so it steals aesthetics / art styles but not functional design / design that works and thought out
  • regurgitating what already exists
  • half of the industry at least is using genAI for ideas to work from apparently?
  • it will be a threat if you’re not doing complicated designs
  • I don’t know how to feel when one of the examples is a painted anime girl and indeed I also see that a lot on social media since it’s popular but admittedly not creatively interesting on its own if it lacks in storytelling, composition, design and meaning :’)
• what genAI cannot do
  • the time consuming design work and not “easy” stuff on the internet
  • advanced/functional design and solving problems involving mechanics, puzzles and complex, human interactions
  • storytelling, deeper meanings, context, emotions and humour into visuals
    • can genAI advance into generating something close to this too? Faking it? 🙁
  • it can’t design multiple elements in a scene together and put together existing characters and in perspective
  • it can’t do sequences and hierarchies of changing focal points and reveals
    • designed game/viewing experiences
  • blender/3D with 2D – design together in mind
  • match interior with exterior design to make structures and ergonomics match
  • it’s just another tool (these companies are using stolen work though :/) towards a faster solution as it can’t make decisions like art directors do
  • it’s not great at minor forms, details, things that hold up to scrutiny and function
    • that’s the hard part of being a designer – 95% of the work is this and not the fun things
    • not great at detailed things that you can see up close
  • it’s not great for consistency for designs, characters, history
    • it’s just guessing and approximating and mashing things that already exist together
  • not great at unique styles, stories and human experiences
  • human collaboration is needed to make the design, human and technical problems work (as of now)
  • a commenter said that genAI would be able to do this and generate something for a “spot” for an image in due time (eep!! But not sure about that)
• I don’t do industrial/product design so this is not what I want to do :S
  • why is genAI taking away the fun in drawing and the art process 🙁
  • someone brought up if key framing, writing stories, colour keys over hard surface if that’s also in danger
• “go design something” (that’s complex) is the last takeaway

hm what do I do???

• I do know I don’t making a living from personal commissions and I don’t have any clients for years
• well I am in the slow process of learning Blender…
• I hope to keep learning 2D illustration, comics and character design too
• also debating on fanart – I usually do fanart because it’s fun for me and not because it’s in demand
  • I don’t know if I want to force myself not to do it 🙁
  • my gut says no, I enjoy doing it…
• I don’t have that passion to create a visual story that’s deep and meaningful right now
  • that sounds most draining and intense
  • I like more smaller scale/little projects so I need to keep it at the back of my mind…
  • I think I need to figure out my own projects but I’m not sure right now

I feel like most artists will hang on and keep creating and sharing plus juggle many things to survive :’)

I’m also starting to see other artists sticking to art as a hobby and that’s fine too (while some insist being an artist as a career is a too much of a struggle and a depressing dead end).

Oof times are scary, difficult, unknown and changing.

How personality tests took over East Asia (aini)

• Gosh I did get into MBTI years ago (more because I was trying to understand myself and figure out what actually is relevant to me)
  • I was definitely lost in my own identity because at the time I was masking and mimicking to survive and I don’t know what I was anymore since survival mode doesn’t allow me to be comfortable to be myself
  • and how am I different from other people???
  • but I drifted away from it since over time, I learned that it’s not something to take too seriously as it’s just vague categories/generalisations of complex human traits
• I mean being a hermit helps – I don’t mask much anymore!
  • It’s when I interact with people and go outside is where I’m managing my overstimulation and low energy even more – and don’t mask myself very well
  • so I tend to be more quiet and/or blunt and then I realise later how bad and unclear it sounds out of context and struggle to package my words better ahhhhh
  • I get misunderstood more by people who don’t know me well when I don’t mask and always have my deadpan face – or maybe getting misunderstood what I’m expecting now :’)
• I used MBTI as a self analysis tool and there’s definitely aspects that didn’t really fit me
  • I’m INTJ but at best I only relate to the introvert, quiet, deadpan stuff and not everything it generalises
  • I’m more of a rambler too
  • I do move on if people aren’t worth my time and interest in the long run
• I’m an anxious hermit and the careers it recommends me don’t appeal to me at all ;P
  • it’s limiting, silly and I hate it
  • I don’t think I’m an analyst (in a business career sense) since I only get into details if I’m actually interested and/or stubborn about it
  • otherwise I gloss over things that don’t interest me and forget about it :’)
• what INTJ entails – it feels generally close to what I am but not exactly
• it did highlight and open my mind a bit more on how other people function differently from me but obviously it won’t actually cover the whole spectrum of the human condition
  • it is one aspect on whether I’ll be compatible in conversation with someone – then again these tests aren’t commonly done where I am
  • I’m just considering/judging where people are on the spectrum of extroversion and introversion. And how they process things, experience/interpret/sense things and whatnot :’)
  • and if I can manage someone’s energy levels
• I look at these personality results, horoscopes, zodiac predictions for fun but don’t take it too seriously since it’s not really proven
  • because humans are fluid, change/grow/learn and self awareness of one’s weaknesses helps!
• MBTI in Korea and China
  • wait what if you’re an ambivert (both a mix of being an extrovert/introvert)??
  • it used to be determined blood type?? Huh??
  • that’s terrible when it becomes part of the job process – I know introverted peeps tend not be valued in a lot of industries/areas :’)
  • seemed like INTJ is not ideal at all under these lens and I don’t want to be doomed in life, career and friendships by being put into such a box
• wait the blood test thing is originally from Japan wow – I wasn’t aware of how toxic/reductive it was/is for social, friendships, romance, job seeking, etc

I got rejected 60+ times. how to find the funny in the pain / more measured approach to rejection (cinzia DuBois)

• I’m not as brave as her as I’ve never dated haha
• I squirm away when people seem interested, especially I don’t feel comfortable nor feel the same interest
  • if I’m drawn/attracted/interested in somebody, I’m afraid too
  • I probably give the “don’t talk to me” aura – and I am reserved after all ;P
  • and/or feeling scared, anxious, insecure
  • I think I do need to ease into it, practice and face the scary things…of course saying it is easier than doing
• or they seem uncomfortable/awkward around me?
  • I don’t know how to interpret accurately how others are doing via non verbal language
  • many people mask their real feelings also so how can I really tell…and most people don’t communicate feelings off the bat as that’s tmi and overstepping boundaries
• not taking things seriously is a hard skill to learn
• said that we all have specific “gremlin like preferences” that isn’t really anything too personal and there’s no expectation/entitlement for explanation or closure
• need some proximity and familiarity and mileage to get closer to people and develop emotional intimacy
• some say you need to outright say your intentions while getting to know each other in the first several get togethers before you go either the friend or relationship routes so there’s less confusion, emotional turmoil, second guessing and mixed signals
  • most people aren’t looking for anything serious and that’s fine
  • I have no time, interest, patience for too much of that though…I’d like an ongoing friendship (or more???) if the mutual interest is there – but it’s rare to come by, it’s a lot of trial and error and most don’t work out
  • most are just going to be fleeting interactions and acquaintances maybe
• then again I default to not expecting anything beyond casual, fleeting interactions since people don’t want to invest in hanging out with hermits like me (aka people who aren’t available to be physically around frequently)
  • most people don’t want to hang out via remote ways (it seems like people hate it since the height of the pandemic)
• in that regard I am left out because I can’t and won’t be physically around + I have no social life
• I find it hard to know if I’m actually interested in someone or I’m just projecting too much the idea of someone (probably this if there’s still too little in quality bonding time)
  • especially when I usually don’t get enough quality bonding time to get to know people better as it is
• I don’t like constantly feeling like I need to prove myself as an artist (projects, experience, etc) and as a person
  • it doesn’t help that I’m most critical, insecure and nitpicky with myself and my work as it is :’)
  • also I struggle and don’t feel that I have any social/transactional value/prestige/network for others to be a lasting friend and not just an acquaintance/stranger :’)
  • I guess I’m struggling to see value in myself all my life 🙁
  • I can’t take both negative and positive words too seriously…
• flowery language/affirmations doesn’t compare with consistent actions
  • still verbal/emotional support is super important if it’s genuine and present
• well it’s painful and hard as I assume rejection will happen thanks to my rejection sensitivity :’)
  • I overthink, get scared, anxious and second guess myself when people treat me well – is it politeness/white lies or they actually do follow up with actions and their intentions consistently and with integrity?
  • And am I putting too high standards on others so that I have excuses towards my attempts to not take it too seriously? I’m also afraid when it gets serious too?! I am contradictory yeah :’)
  • what things did I interpret wrong, what did I do wrong, what unspoken/invisible expectations I didn’t meet?
  • Who will accept me as I am (and me accepting them as they are) over time as we get to know each other?
  • I mean everyone has that experience where people are super friendly in your presence at first and later on in time they ghost and don’t acknowledge your existence?
    • Or usually they become more emotionally distant and/or casual?
    • It happens and it means it’s not meant to be (or for that time)
• I think I’m also tired – it’s emotional work, time and effort + trial and error towards who can remain an ongoing friend/person in your life :’)
  • Both friendships and dating (I have no experience with this 2nd one though) are/seem hard
• which brings back to…do I go to GCAP this year? If it was an artist focused thing then I’d be more involved :S
  • I don’t want to go just because I feel obligated to – I want to socialise at daytime but as I’ve complained before, most of the events are at night and at overstimulating noisy bar venues
  • I feel like I need to wait and see if there’s quiet daytime events and force myself to commit to something so I’m not completely outcasting myself…
  • if it doesn’t work out ah well! I’m just considering things
• again I think about streaming because at least I’m interacting with people in some form! :’)
  • even though friendship and viewership are entirely different things…at least there’s some kind of brief, fleeting social company :’)
  • then again, I’d probably have no viewers – I’ve done it before haha
• again I wish I have a few more friends who I don’t have to be “social” with
  • just exist and be in the room or call together but doing our own thing (wait that might include streaming)
  • I don’t have to drain my low energy too much!! And just have company and random things to talk about as you do day to day things – that you may struggle doing
  • Some say it’s called parallel play or body doubling!
  • I do struggle to have the energy to be social so this is the next best thing to help with any loneliness? Not sure??
  • if there’s people like this for me someday that is :’)
  • I don’t know how practical it is in practice though…
  • I probably prefer a 1 to 1 catch up talk and then move on doing other things so it respects everyone’s time haha

I ran out of stamina, felt suffocated and couldn’t breathe and got heart palpitations…

…trying to clean the shower mould and learned that n95 masks are super restrictive. I have not worn a n95 mask before this. I have not bleached nor cleaned the shower before so I’m doing baby steps as I figure out house cleaning in tiny, slow steps! I switched to a surgical mask and was able to hang on and breathe for longer. I was drained and couldn’t really scrub everything properly as I was anxious about suffocating/struggling to breathe again and afraid of inhaling bleach in a cramped space since I was attempting at it for over 2 hours – I was at my limit.

And my knees hurt if I squat badly in a cramped space…and I kept feeling like I smell a bit of bleach around me.

I couldn’t do much for the rest of the day after that :’) “Life is hard work” indeed…

I’m trying my best I guess…I do feel bummed, insecure and feeling weak with low stamina :’) How do normal people do all this hard work – I guess it was neglected because of this too. I did get rid of most of the “easier to get to” mould but still a bunch of it is in the hard to reach places. Later I tried disinfecting wipes just to chip away at it more and to go over the whole shower but eh most of the hard mould is not budging. Ouch my knees a bit :’)

Oof I’m trying it again later in the week with something that’s not bleach first (baking soda soap paste again and then vinegar and then scrub a lot??) and then see how I go removing the mould without toxic substances…!

Hopefully I can breathe better and not exhaust myself again. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll try bleach for the remaining mould I couldn’t get to during another week.

Also earlier this morning I was disinfectant wiping more of my home a bit more and trying to make it a weekly habit (not bothered with soap and water beforehand, I’m just doing what I can with the time I have and I don’t want to use bleach too much). So it was very gross, I hope I didn’t dirty my desk (nooo I wiped over several times as I was paranoid) and I shall hopefully figure it out and try to get used to doing this :’)

So if I’m late in publishing things…I’m busy juggling life, work and house cleaning!! haha

I’m tired and also my fridge doesn’t work for a while so my diet/nutrition has been terrible and limited wahhhh

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