15 years on twitter / soon 13 years of blogging / turning 19 years posting on the internet

I just took the 15th anniversary picture twitter generated for me and did this on a whim.

Doodled my mixed feelings on it as a reaction – it’s a horrible, existential, depressing place, scary, terrible, tragic crimes and full of toxic drama 🙁 I’m drawing my sad, conflicted feelings in reaction to the anniversary image I got – apologies I’m not intentionally celebrating twitter – I didn’t think that far ahead :<

And I’m not even active there for years aside from cross posting things and lurking :<

It’s been 15 years??? I’m in disbelief with how long it’s been. I’ve vented about twitter over the years and I’ve been using it this long because it still reaches some people with gamedev and fanart stuff and it’s more than my other platforms. It’s hard because I have the biggest engagement there if I’m lucky quite a few times :’) Ultimately I can’t reach much people usually as it’s all about luck at these platforms. I don’t think I’m the kind to have much of an audience there.

I’m not cross posting everything to twitter anymore…I’ve been thinking of it for ages (as you can see from my venting, stress and grief about twitter and social media over the years). It’s time to let go!

From now on, I’m not keeping twitter up to date anymore and not post as much art there. I’m finally letting go and quitting – I may randomly post rare important things/announcements/events & to show that I exist. Upon further reflection, at best I’ll lurk, retweet and/or post Crossy, work and important stuff, events or a tag but not as much of my fanart and personal shenanigans anymore :’)

Be finally free of one of the big platforms that give me grief…let’s see how I go!

Edit: Apologies it’s not my intent to celebrate/promote twitter and I probably shouldn’t draw and vent my negative feelings with sensitive topics/platforms? It started off me venting my sad, frustrated, complicated feelings by doodling on top of the anniversary image and now I’m feeling done, fed up and moving away from twitter (aside from work and important stuff or an event or tag) :’)

These doodles ended up being a goodbye to twitter piece :’)

Also expressing my mixed feelings in general and with the internet/social media. Just feeling overwhelmed, sad and clinging to hope as being an artist/creative is pretty much personal branding/personality, memeing and establishing and keeping your own IP (while everything is debated on whether it’s human made or not thanks to generative AI scraping/stealing from work they don’t own without permission).

I don’t have any personal projects that is sustainable financially on its own as I struggle to do things on my terms through trial and error. I am always super grateful to my patrons for helping me out and keeping my blog and website afloat/running (I am so glad I switched away from that scummy web host provider that I can’t afford their ridiculously hiked up price) and to keep me going on this art learning journey. Thank you as always :’)

I’m a chronically/terminally online hermit and artist who probably has to continue blogging, cross posting everywhere else in some form and hope for the best :’) I am not trying to go viral, I’m just documenting and rambling about my art and life journey! Unfortunately I do feel like the grass is greener and that I’m not doing “enough” to reach people sometimes.

I’d probably be forced to get out of my comfort zone at times too! Well one day…

Collaborations – I think my ego and wanting to be in creative control for personal projects get in the way and I lose my sense of self trying to make such a project work firstmost :S If it’s someone else leading the creative vision however, I don’t mind taking the support/backseat/worker bee role because that’s what I already do with voxel art at my part time job and I don’t have to stress and burn out juggling too many gamedev hats. The only downside is that I need to get my creative outlet and control somewhere else and that is usually here and my personal art/fanart :’)

I guess if it’s a project done in my own time, I’d definitely want a considerable/huge degree of creative power with the other part(ies) or it’s just not worth my precious personal time. Or I get all of the creative control and at my own tempo like with my own personal art, fanart and blog posts haha

Or if I’m being well paid for it but that’s essentially a job instead and that also means creative control has a limit ;D

If only 2D illustration and design jobs are not at risk right now…

Leonie rambles about…

Generative A.I – We Aren’t Ready. (Kyle Hill)

• I don’t know about this dark forest theory…is it even robust?
• Frightening with lots of existential dread…
• concerns with lies versus truth on the internet and validating identity
• the more concerning thing is bad human intent and how they use it
• so memes are the way to prove you’re human? I have doubts when they’d find ways to fake that
  • also I am not really a meme making person but I read/learn about it instead
• what do I do as a grumpy hermit who doesn’t enjoy “touching grass” and it’s inconvenient, overstimulating, exhausting/draining and costs money?
• I’m already struggling and tired with my sad need to prove myself and my existence as a person and artist with autism, doing my best managing my shortcomings, minimising misunderstandings
  • now I have to worry and prove I’m human too?? :/
  • also default to not trust people and things?
• I don’t know if there’s any solution because the future is unknown and we’re all just winging it and striving to stay true to what brings us hopefully both joy and survival
  • I feel so insecure, anxious and hopeless about things out of my control as it is so I try not to spiral too much :’)
  • My blog is already indexed by google and is probably scraped in some ways too so I hope not 🙁
• When all the AI stuff is moving too fast (Andrew Rousso skit)

Personal feelings and venting about it

Personal tmi: collection of intrusive bad memories of the past came up and I had a private cry. Suppressed and tried to move past mixed, hurt, resentful, rejected, neglected/ignored, disappointed, frustrated/angry, hopeless feelings and feeling not valued, left behind and left in the dark (since I’m a hermit and I am reserved). Then it bursts out years later when reliving/remembering it, the communication issues + lack thereof and how I am slow, unaware on what’s happening and often end up doing things the long, hard/frustrating, silly way :’)

It’s difficult when I’m conditioned to just tolerate, struggle and deal with what I have if I don’t know or don’t see how things can/will get better otherwise :’) Sometimes asking for help doesn’t work out too especially when I feel like I need to focus and offer solutions (not just hurt feelings because that doesn’t solve anything) yet even I/they don’t know what can help.

I can’t always depend on others after all as much as I need to ask for help more.

Anyhoo I cried some of it out of my system and vented it about it so I guess that’s good.

Now with the jadedness, pettiness, rejection sensitivity, trust issues, wariness and resentment/anger/frustration – I acknowledge them, it won’t be gone but I’ll try to move past it and use it to power the present – the ongoing journey! Because all I can do is focus on what I can control, on my part in things and what I can do better and speak up on for any future happenings. Well until intrusive bad memories resurface again like it did recently :’)

And also accept that I have to discern and fight for myself. Given if I know when/how to pick such battles?

And accept that if people want to disrespect and/or avoid you then fine – I don’t have the mental/emotional energy to worry and chase them about it. Confrontations are scary also. Personal lessons I guess…

Also had a horrible time with a mosquito, leaving me struggling to sleep and I still don’t know where it went :<

Also tired of spam emails over the years (and recent ones) wanting to improve my site, wanting to write an article for my blog, trying to scam me about it and how they’re doing me a favour or business – it’s my personal blog, back off :/ My website and blog are not for guest posts, especially if I don’t know you!

I just realised I missed the kimodameshi 6 challenge – I thought it would be May or April but it went back to March and it’s run by different people again. Oof ah well I didn’t have time anyway…I think I should give up on that challenge because it keeps changing and a struggle to find the invite for the next one :S Also it’s hard to commit to the challenge when you’re juggling other things!

Yeah I’m a sensitive grump at the moment ;P

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