SuperListenMode 287: Socialsing help with Hien & Overthinking with Bea

SuperListenMode: Socialising help with Hien [wavingpeople] & overthinking with Bea [beabravo]

When you’re always out of social practice, overwhelmed and awkward in person but you want to talk to somebody you’ve interacted with online. Uhhhh!!

This happened during a Melbourne Romance in Games meetup – my first social thing in ages to start off MIGW. I drifted away from the conversation with the people I was sitting with [as I do with groups] and ended up zoning out and lost.
The kind, energetic Hien had to ask and offer me help twice with socialising because the first time around I wasn’t emotionally ready to physically get up, walk and talk to a new group of people :’)
Meanwhile I’m aloof, deadpan, hiding away, tired and rude on the outside haha
PS Update: I feel less like crying but still get teary eyed whenever I think over things so I’m progressing from last week.
I’m just not feeling great:
  • cherishing my very few friends who still kindly reach out to me while growing pains of accepting and letting go fitting in with people who I can’t seem to connect with,
  • trying to recover from this year’s burn out [arguably started last year],
  • retreating and checking out of things more because I’m tired of trying to fit in,
  • being more aware of my coping mechanisms [being deadpan, apathetic, quiet, masking feelings, overthinking things to the point of not doing it sometimes, holding in what I think, just answering with body language, being more friendly when I feel like it and have the energy to],
  • refining my boundaries and learning to speak up more for my needs [if I know them and if I feel brave enough to say or type something…I’m terrible at this],
  • feeling better being blocked from social media and focusing on my own quiet life instead,
  • accepting there’s things out of my control and not something I want to deal with. Believing that I will change my situation and get through things when I’m ready,
  • keep learning to accept myself better.
Seeking/talking to health professionals, learning to take care of myself, not settling and getting things rolling is giving me a bit more hope for next year. Unlearning bad habits and fighting 18 years of being intense, trying to fit in, not having all my needs met and working hard. A lot of stress and struggle this year especially. My wallet weeps but I need to help myself with this first before I can focus too heavily on art and my creative rut.
Right now I’m not feeling okay. I’m not feeling the worst though.
It’s okay to be sad…just I need to move on from crying over spilled milk eventually. I don’t want to expect the worst in people either, out of fear. But I can’t help but feel disappointed…mostly at myself. The world doesn’t revolve around me or any individual after all. Aye.
I’ll keep going anyway.
I still have faith in the goodness and kindness in most people.
I’m just learning to find that within and for myself.
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