Hurt & forgotten portrait sketch

Hurt & forgotten

When you realise you got left behind.
Overlooked. Outside, looking inside.

It’s been a mixed bag of good, alright and sad times this week. Felt a bit more dead, alone and disconnect inside when hit with huge, hurtful, depressing growing pains. It’s not a big deal to most so I kept it to myself but for me, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Allowed myself time to cry and sit with these mixed feelings, disappointment and personal lessons. 
Some self doubts and fears seem to be confirmed. Maybe I am too distant, introverted and quiet to connect to people. It probably doesn’t matter if I’m around or not.

It hurts though when you thought you mattered to some degree but people didn’t even think or consider you in the first place. Well I guess that’s fair since I’m a homebody reserved soul. They shouldn’t matter too much to me either. I’m projecting too much into one basket, given that I don’t have many friends or people to talk to. I feel like retreating from everything.

I want to step back, figure out my own mindset and grow some emotional independence again.
Hopefully and eventually these hurt feelings will not bother me as much. I hope to grow to not worry about little signs of rejection, hopelessness and being let down. I don’t want to be the only one silently suffering. I am learning to speak up when it’s super important to me and if I feel like it will be acted upon. But I won’t if I don’t feel it’s helpful, if I need to adapt and when I need to let something go for my own well-being. Lessons being learned. In this case, I don’t want to waste time on this anymore. I’ll keep doing my best and focus on the bigger positives.

That said, along the lines of being forgotten and invisible – I am annoyed by people who say “…but they’re quiet.” As if it’s a bad, rude thing. It’s been told to me on school report cards and imposing relatives. Stuff you, don’t tell me to change. Don’t guilt trip me.
I understand why because they’d like conversation. We’re just not on the same wavelength and that’s fine.
There are many reasons why we’re quiet. It’s not necessarily all about them, we don’t want to pretend to like them, we get exhausted and drained or we haven’t warmed up to them yet. So just get rid of the “but” thank you very much.

Hurting and cried again but actively transforming it into positive energy and staying kind. Holding onto hope and making sure I do self care, self respect, boundaries, creating and focusing on good, kind people who matter and lovely vibes instead. Still believe and trust in the good in most people. Or that’s what I’m telling myself right now anyway. 

Oh hey I’m rusty and made lots of mistakes but here’s some attempt at a portrait :’) I had to throw out the blotting orange pen away as it was making my life difficult and I had to redo everything.
And yes I am leaving “BurpDoodle” behind. It’s lost any resemblance of meaning since it started honestly.

PS: Also someone put a small colourful cardboard print out with “100% real human” in my bag :’) I have no idea how it got there. I guess I’m a pretend human ;P

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4 Comments on “Hurt & forgotten portrait sketch

  1. Well, I’m an independent assessor of Real Humans representing RealHumans Inc. And this right here is a genuine feels post, a key symptom in being certifiably 100% Real Human(tm)

    But also, change doesn’t come from other people, their words aren’t going to do anything other than make you feel inadequate – you’re right to feel hurt by what they have said! Whilst their words are not helpful, you yourself seem to have identified that you’re experiencing some negative impact from the social withdrawal. That can be way more useful than any other outside opinion <3
    Self-identifying what holds you back is soooo much more useful, because it’s your life – you’re invested in it unlike anyone else, you’re in charge of your thoughts and meaty mechsuit, and no one knows what you need quite like, you know, YOU!
    But being told what to do can, uhhh, wall up the defenses a little higher and make you withdraw more deeply than you ever intended. Often you go deeper not because you choose to, but because you need to – because there is something to withdraw from. If you’re constantly around people who bring out that response in you, you might not be able to get through it without distance from them. That happened to me, I didn’t realise how the close proximity to my family was reinforcing negative behaviour patterns I made in childhood to help me cope with them. Wasn’t until I had to get out, not by my choosing, that I started to realise I wasn’t the small thing they made me think I had to be.

    All I can say is do the things that come from yourself, that which is genuinely self motivated – and be careful to not make your safety measures your identity, they’re the right tool for the current situation. A warrior is a warrior when there is war, but without a war, they are a free person and their tools are relics.
    You’re well loved and appreciated, excellent at communicating and for someone who reaffirms their withdrawn state, you’re actually very present, genuine, expressive and vulnerable — all things that are the opposite of withdrawn!

    And if you’re feeling brave and curious, I’d google Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and Reactive Defiance Disorder – I don’t wanna play armchair doctor, that’s just crappy all round. But I’ve found that from learning about things that exist in the real world, sometimes it helps me to understand what’s going on with me – compare what’s similar, what’s different, just find out what’s out there and get some perspective instead of bouncing around in my brain thinking I’m beyond help. The more you can identify what is going on, the better equipped you are to make steps towards what you want.
    Good luck sorting out things, and we’re patient, we’ll wait for you <3

    • Thanks Georgie for your wonderful, heartfelt and thoughtful response! You are too kind!! <3
      It’s spooky because I don’t know who put that paper there :’)

      I’m mostly hurting due to being forgotten and overlooked recently but I don’t want to specify anything as it’s still very raw and I don’t feel comfortable sharing it here. It was a hit of rejection that finally got me crying after many accumulated ones. I’m pretending I’m okay when I’m with said people and pushing through anyway.

      The being told what to do is a separate thing…I need to move out from my negative dad eventually [or get forced to] as I’m very much in survival coping mode, trying to minimise tension and stress surrounding household stuff. I guess I’m stuck in this loop of safety measures but I’ll keep doing what I can to juggle both home and life outside of that. I do get times of solitary “me” time and financially I can cope a little better at least.

      Perhaps this is a reason why I cannot connect with people because whenever something [work, life, friends, family] involves people, I need solitary down time to break everything up throughout the day and a good block at night to recover. It’s super rare for me to find people where I can actually feel more energised with most of the time.

      With Rejection sensitive Dysphoria, I relate in that I seek/fear signs of rejection, not belonging and it gives me anxiety, hopelessness and builds upon my low self esteem. Sometimes it’s to prepare myself to be disappointed so I won’t care too much when it does happen. With Reactive Defiance Disorder – that’s probably my dad as that’s what I deal with and strive to not let his anger rub off on me too much.

      It’ll be a lifelong learning journey so I don’t know how long it’ll take! Thank you all the same <3

      • <3 <3 <3
        That’s a really fair assessment, I had a feeling that your original post was related to life other things at once more general, and specific – and I’m so glad to see that at least a little of that stuff was useful! Even to just lay a frame of reference over the experience and get some perspective about what’s going on. You’re absolutely right about this being a lifelong journey – I feel like our work as anxious overthinkers is never done. Perhaps because of the overthinking, but maybe that’s just overthinking?
        Oh heck, the cycle starts again X’D

        • Gosh overthinking cycle!! <3
          Yeah I need to let go of that side of me and learn how to relax and have fun in way because I’m so tense most of the time. It gets exhausting even if it’s been a way for me to cope, prepare and protect myself from getting too hurt :’)