Birthday happened a few days ago; it was a chill normal day

Feeling mixed and existential as we all age and get older and feel lonelier and sadder in our own minds….

I was very burpy, bloated and gassy because some first time homemade brownies triggered my IBS and terrible stomach pains the first day so I couldn’t eat anything too oily until I feel better 🙁

I am still hoping to eat out for some tonkatsu eventually to actually treat myself….and distract myself from my thoughts haha

….what else do people do for themselves for their bday 😛

I was debating whether I should post art/blog post/something anymore for my birthday (super self conscious about it) because I know people don’t care about doing stuff for birthdays.

But hey maybe I need to cheer for myself better and push through the cringe. Even though it feels weird drawing a more toony version of myself sometimes.

Admittedly and all the same it was super lovely when work peeps do remember to say kind wishes even if it’s brief.

And I did get a super lovely and unexpected fanart doodle today too <3 I took a photo but not sharing here ;P

I am feeling the “I gotta fight against all these distractions and hone in on what I really want to do!!”

Leonie rambles about…

• reminded that some pharmacists are too busy and there’s long lines
  • you need to click & collect instead…
• took a night to listen and watch some kpop demon hunter related videos that I procrastinated on and left up in my browser tabs
  • one was a psychological analysis video + coping mechanisms
    • some reaction videos
    • listened to the MV/songs and some popular cover songs themselves
    • and a song ranking video
  • I still think in terms of lyrics, meaning, song and story
    • I like Your Idol the best
      • (there are so many layers and meaning to it)
      • it also serves as a reminder to not get carried away with what you consume
    • How it’s done
      • very snappy, tight lyrics and great song
    • How it Sounds Like
      • wonderful for the story but as a song it gets repetitive
      • hearing that parts of the song did get cut from the movie lessens its impact as a song on its own
    • Take down – it’s good but didn’t stick with me or maybe I didn’t listen to it enough
    • Golden – parts stick in your head
      • (the high note is too much for me when I hear it too many times though)
    • Free is alright but i wasn’t feeling the romance,
      • there was the “I can relate to someone at last” emotions and connection
    • Soda Pop is an earworm but I don’t really like it in comparison to the others
      • it’s intentionally peppy / annoying / sexually appealing ;P
    • most of them are great songs and it’s hard to rank them…
  • with the movie
    • kinda makes me feel lonely that I don’t have such amazing highs of powerful friendship, support, different kinds of self/romantic/platonic/parasocial love and connection here from the movie though
      • I do envy people who have this but I’m sure they also experience lows too
    • it does kind of show that Huntrix still have issues to work through
    • plus they still continue to work and not rest…I relate to that
  • also all of these artists, performers, actors, singers, composers, animators are so talented and conventionally attractive haha
  • I am a forever “NPC character” in comparison to them plus I’m too anxious under the limelight
    • if I must, I ignore everything/everyone around me except the task at hand to keep myself focused and away from overthinking and being too aware of others haha
    • or I just freeze and blank out
• soggy banh mi at its bottom is sad and icky
  • can’t eat it too often as it’s so unhealthy haha
• learning to just draw more ideas that come to mind (not just a to do list)
  • need to train myself to do this so bad ideas don’t get lost
  • I’m too precious about using my collected unused sketchbooks though
  • I still have bunches of printer paper and use that instead because I don’t want to use pricier paper because I’m stingy…
  • I haven’t started or finished a sketchbook in a long while :<
  • not sure how to make it a habit yet :<
• comparison shows what you enjoy
  • and how there are things you just don’t get super intense and competitive with
    • because you’re not driven by what someone else is
  • some thrive being on intense deadlines and expectations and I don’t
    • I stress out, clench my jaw and lose more hair ;P
  • what do I get intense with?? If I can express, create, iterate and practice character art with my own voice
    • if I lose my creative vision along the way and if there’s too many cooks and iterations, I lose morale and agency
• Attractive women are just children by Angela Ace
  • well I guess I’m glad not “attractive”….
  • there is a pattern but I do note these are huge generalisations
• The bus I was in got hit on its side by another car and luckily no one was hurt
  • one of the bus doors didn’t work anymore
  • the car’s front corner is completely ripped, banged up and exposed
• breathing exercises to regulate anxiety
  • the cyclic one where you inhale extra air first and exhale through the month
  • and the 4 sec inhale, 7 sec hold, 8 sec exhale one
• apparently in person communities are important
  • I’m sure it is but it’s a lot of hard work, effort and time that has no tangible benefits in the short term
  • it’s also too draining for me when I don’t want to go out at night ;P
  • it’s expensive hosting a physical space and to keep people coming because most drift away
  • also I’m a hermit and all I can manage is my tiny online discord server
• and as a hermit
  • it’s my way to regulate how I’m sensitive to everything else
  • recharging via solitude, stillness, being autonomous in my own space, not socialising
  • not trying to keep up with the rest of the world and do my own rhythm
  • I do need some 1 to 1 socialising though…because it is lonely
• “Scrolling mindlessly is a symptom of life unfulfilled” Oof…
  • there’s more and more movies that act like background slop apparently…
  • they say read books so you don’t need constant stimulation like with youtube and social media
  • allow yourself space to think, reflect, be thoughtful, be engaged about things that matter
  • I think writing in this blog helps, as much as I have a little voice telling me to quit wasting time writing here
  • allowing myself time and be aware when I reach out for time consuming romance slop :’)
  • still I do the background video thing – maybe I need to be more intentional with it
• I don’t want to play the social media game
  • I do get disappointed by all the online spaces I post at like bluesky, youtube, cara, discord, this blog, etc at times because I don’t feel like I’m making much of a difference after so many years
  • but alas I still keep going because this space is for me to feel like I matter to myself?? :’)
    • who else would keep myself going if not me?
    • it’s just me :’D
  • it’s just exhausting when you have to be super engaged in online communities to grow (time and effort needed with no expectations)!
    • when I did do this for a time, I was so unsatisfied (it’s never enough) and drained afterwards
    • one time I was told that social media is not for me
    • but alas what can an autistic hermit do????
• out of curiosity I watched the trailer for the new Love and Deepspace character due to some of their loud chinese audience wanting to boycott him and being racist and xenophobic about the global audience
  • wow the new character is a buff, nerdy, goofy, puppy like, playful, cute wolf man
  • the gamedev company itself has some problems but I don’t remember since I’m not playing their game anyway
  • gosh I can see why the fans are loving this new character haha
• How I got my energy back after years of autistic fatigue notes
  • one thing that I need to do is to allow/schedule myself buffer mental prep time for transitions, mental modes and context switching between modes/things and watch out for energy levels
    • I do exhaust and disappoint myself when I don’t meet my unrealistic expectations and ignoring my energy patterns…
    • this is hard for me
    • don’t ask me to time estimate stuff because things often happen and then I feel like I’m under delivering :<
  • it’s so hard to focus when you’re pulled in different directions and interruptions 🙁
    • I had that today so I didn’t feel as productive
  • I need space to think over things and regulate
    • as long as you don’t ruminate, overthink and replay conversations over and over…
  • I do get emotionally overloaded with many small tasks, background noise, sensory overload
  • I end up zoning out and decompressing, trying to reconfigure my mindset and the current task at hand
  • it makes sense that autistic people have much higher than normal anxiety levels…
  • how interrupting people is the only way for people to acknowledge your existence a lot of the time even though I hate interrupting people
  • eye contact is too much and I focus, listen and communicate better if I don’t have to distract myself with staring into someone’s soul through their eyes and worrying about looking like I’m engaged
  • I watched some more autism videos from this channel and I won’t bother writing notes about it here, I don’t have the time nor emotional energy anymore – watch them yourself if you want
  • I was watching them in hopes of new advice on managing things and there’s a few things/reminders
• feel drained after watching some mind numbing manga and manhua summary videos
  • as they’re never doing the whole story and it just cuts off from the start of the manga (the first 1 – 15 chapters)
  • also felt numb from the vertical c drama compilation videos too…just exhausting tropey storylines
    • I guess you’re there for the intimate and bonding moments
  • need to allow myself to be bored of these so I stop watching them :’)
• learning about IBS vs Bowel Cancer
• learning skin care is a headache again….
• The Brainrot Apocalypse (a DIY survival guide)
  • man I need to stop checking youtube recommendations and avoid the youtube app
  • it gets me by my vulnerabilities, loneliness, health fears and artist fears :<
  • made me more aware on what romance slop and fiction I consume – being more aware and intentional
• The Al question no one wants to ask documentary/interview
  • it really is depressing and all we can do is to stay kind
  • there are great things genAi can do in terms of medical science but the rich few aren’t helping with that….
• watched the Legend of Hei (the first animated movie) and it’s pretty good
  • glad there were no poop, pee, fart, gross jokes like the NeZha 3D movies…
    • that’s not a super high bar haha
  • it did drag on at times
  • some ghibli inspired – ghosts, crying, nature and food eating moments
  • some webcomic styled side moments at times that happened sparingly
• some people are super selfish, “my way or else” with horrible ultimatums and are draining to be around
  • I hope and strive to not be like that 🙁

Okay I need to finish up and sleep for another intense work day!

And figure out what I want to focus on…which is scary!!

Thank you and catch you in July (I can’t believe June is nearly over, nooooo)

or at my discord server where I post the most ;D

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