Feeling a tad frustrated too

Not sure how I feel really. Especially now that we’re 13 days into 2026.

Hey it’s not over yet, we’ve just begun and there’s time to figure it out!! Right??? :’D

I did this illustration almost a full year ago (2025), spaced it out and kept pushing it off from posting it :’D

Yes I know I still have my discord emotes to do in the coming months or so…

✨Trolley Chicken is real!! 🛒🐔 [post]

A super kind, generous coworker made and gifted me this incredible motorised 3D printed Trolley Chicken!! 💕

I was in shock (and quiet as usual haha) – it definitely made my day seeing one of my Crossy designs moving in real life!! 🥹

(Kudos to the past work of previous/other Crossy artists I iterate from too!)

She moves forward on her own if you wind the trolley up by going backwards! She’s cute and also detachable from the trolley too! Otherwise she fits snugly in there! 😀

He made a bunch of prototypes/versions and I’m happy and grateful for having one of them so I am keeping her safe haha

Thank you so much again!! 😭

Also much appreciation to someone from the Crossy Road discord community as they had their cool 3D printed version of her last year as well!

Leonie rambles about…

Finally watched + thoughts on Ghibli’s Boy and The Heron (spoilers)

• it’s beautiful with the animation and art and spectacle
• some say you have to watch it several times to appreciate it but I wouldn’t know
• it’s a mash up of Hayao Miyazaki’s childhood, current self, references to Ghibli movies
  • and 13 movies represented as those blocks (this is a theory I saw)
• I don’t think I like it though as there’s so much nonsensical story happenings and fast pacing??
  • WHY is the aunt coming in this fantasy world and trying to have the baby in some delivery room with rules about entry and getting angry at him and then acting like nothing happened and they embrace? Huh??
    • she’s like a “demure”, loving, nurturing lady at first too who’s supposed to be his mother and it’s just hard to relate
    • who on earth is her personality…
  • I am creeped out by the dad marrying the sister of his wife not long after her death and having a kid already…it bothered me throughout the whole movie
    • I don’t like the protagonist’s dad…
    • not sure how close it is to Miyazaki’s real dad
  • I am weirded out by the main character kid Mahito being pressured to call his aunt, his mother…
    • I don’t feel like they bonded at all
    • just hard to believe they care about each other that much…
  • why is his kid version of his mother (Himi) okay with her sister being her kid’s mother and her husband’s wife???
    • why is she already okay with her death??
    • she didn’t feel like a fully developed character to me either
    • she just symbolises fire/passion/what’s right/something??
  • where is the time to reflect, discuss feelings and react to all these things in this movie…
• I wanted more of the first half of the film and fleshing out the kid’s feelings and grief
  • and not the isekai part as it becomes layered with too many spectacles and characters
• Narnia like world with its own systems, rules and ecosystems – can’t really explain it all with metaphor
  • juxtaposition of truth/lies, kindness/cruelty, hope/despair, beauty/ugliness
  • darkeness/light, past/future, etc
• the ending felt rushed too like they didn’t know how to end it
  • story made no sense…
  • the set up was so good and then the climax/ending did not match
  • it felt like he was wishy washy with his message and didn’t want to commit to anything strong and clear
• the character motivations are a mess
  • I struggled to care about the characters
  • Mahito’s journey didn’t really connect with his personal growth – what did he learn and feel???
• a lot of the characters and motifs felt tropey from Ghibli itself and other inspirations I am not aware of
  • strong willed lady
  • cute young girl
  • 7 old ladies who looked like Sophie/Snow White and the seven dwarfs reference to Disney animation
  • dead souls/warawaras rising in DNA spiral patterns up to be reincarnated
  • references to war, cruelty and violence (Tokyo bombings and fires during WW2?)
  • death, afterlife, timelines, grief and processing it
  • feelings on artistic creation
  • some characters/creatures felt like a combination of past Ghibli characters and that’s all there is to them
  • classic Ghibli delicious food scene and cute creatures scene – is there a checklist here??
• I am glad they worked on this movie for 7 years and did not crunch and went home on time
  • Miyazaki apparently only worked on the story and storyboarding and then left it in the hands of the animators
  • apparently it was supposed to be focusing on Mahito and his great uncle (which would have connected things better) but changed to focus on Mahito and the heron
  • conflicting feelings because his studio stayed strong because they usually stuck under his vision and not much other people can lead their own projects and grow in their own style and vision at Ghibli (that’s not Miyazaki or Takahata)
• I felt the connection with the heron didn’t end up that strong
  • he felt so fickle in his anger on fixing his beak and if he’ll help/betray Mahito or not
  • Mahito helps anyway even though he’s been keen to hit/whack/stab him previously
  • they don’t act logically or consistently
• some are talking about the bird symbolism too – the good and bad in society, war and in creativity
  • Pelicans
    • noble? desperate to survive and forced to kill/do bad things? have no power?
  • Parakeets
    • invasive? overconsumption? the global audience? cannibalistic? capitalist society?
    • focused on looks and material things? profit focus only? wanting to be gods?
    • cynical audience? keen for war for the sake of power? dictatorship? malice?
  • Herons/Crans (revered/symbolic?)
    • the 7th feather represents the realisation of one’s true self apparently?
  • underlying hope for a better future in the face of all this through Mahito
• the great uncle is essentially Miyazaki himself having to let go of his legacy and Ghibli as an isolated, estranged, lonely man who built entire worlds through his movies and then dies with this creations
  • is this a movie for his grand children and son?? And maybe next generation?
  • is this movie just him facing his fears?
  • on not being able to find a successor for his studio?
• movie was sprung from the “How Will You Live” book which was way different
  • and was inspired by The Book of The Lost Thing by Jhon Connoly which is also about a boy who’s dealing with grief
• message of the movie…
  • take the reins of your own life and go forward?
  • life is short, live your own life and make your own decisions
  • malice/darkness is in all of us, protect your childlike creativity
  • what will you create in our world? Just create things/worlds and it’s already worthy
  • what do you do before you die? How will you spend with your loved ones?
  • felt kind of depressing and a mixed bag of a movie

I’m autistic & I hyperfocus but fear big personal projects

I have lots of things I want to learn but there’s just so much and not enough time.

I spent last year focused on/off on learning Blender things (out of fear and for survival…?) but it’s never enough and I feel like I’ve only touched the surface. There’s just too much to learn and I don’t want to spend as much personal time learning Blender anymore until there’s a greater desire/need to for work or personal art (because it’s time consuming). I need to practice and apply things and not just watch tutorials after all! Reminding myself that it’s okay to learn as I go along preferably during work when needed ;P

Now what on earth am I doing??? I get existential thinking about this 🙁

I guess I don’t want to feel trapped in a huge project and burn out from it. I’m still doing fanart but I need to make sure I have a good amount of original stuff too!

I have given up on audience for a long time since I don’t have the charisma and I don’t want to pigeon hole myself either. It’s scary to commit to something because it means you’re saying no to everything else. I don’t want to achieve a goal for the sake of it either. It feels empty afterwards.

I just want to do small things and learn things.

And I have a long backlog of things to learn and study from – I just need to stick to the direction of making regular character designs, illustrations and studies as I go along. Get some mileage going again. Explore and test what I want to learn more about and do more of.

But then I feel guilty and impatient for not having a * project * for an audience. There’s people I know who are doing inspiring creative projects in their own time too!! :0

I feel like I need to explore possibilities on a smaller scale but I don’t have ideas that make me excited to go deep into it yet. So I’m super indecisive with my original ideas…that need more stewing. It’s going to be a slow burn of many iterations isn’t it if I attempt to make it a “product.”

Gah I don’t want to overthink this and spiral into my own insecurities.

Ultimately need to remember that it’s the journey and process that’s meaningful and enjoyable and not the result/goal/destination when it’s about self directed creativity. Self expression is wonderful too!

Manageable goals and regular habits are great and are helpful to mark what skill levels you’re aiming for so you can better execute what you want to express. Having and cherishing likeminded people in your life as your support network…is hard to find. I don’t know if I have art buddies for accountability yet as it’s not something you can force.

And I am not yet able to make art a daily habit…! Posting is my own accountability instead since I don’t have an art buddy.

I feel like I should post weekly but I have not built enough of a buffer yet.

I am just taking things day by day with a rough to do list.

Yes I do have study sketches I’ve never posted from the past months but I might keep them to myself because I need to practice the act of “not always sharing everything I do”…which took some time for me to accept!! In the end I don’t want the extra work/time of sharing sketches when I could spend more time on learning and art ;P It’s weird for me not sharing everything online now and just make sketches for the sake of exploring and practice just for my eyes only.

Anyhoo we all struggle, are flawed, have issues and we’re just managing them, doing our best and trying to enjoy what we can indeed :’) I’m just trying to not feel as tense and sore with my shoulders, jaw and legs for one thing haha

My personal project? Get some fanart, illustrations and studies done this month or so.

I feel like the hard part I’m stumped with is doing something original more often since it takes much more brain power and time. I plan to practice this when able…somehow! I need to accept making something terrible too. I should break it down into manageable tasks so it’s less daunting too. I don’t know how to make it exciting and meaningful enough for me to want to do it yet…

My frustration continues…ah the struggle…

You Don’t Need To Be Productive (Mina Le)

• this is hard – as I always feel like I have to be productive in my limited time
• then mentally I rebel the rigid plans I have for myself and procrastinate/decompress anyway
  • hey I was bummed that I distracted myself with addictive manga instead of my plans again…
• allowing myself to decompress and do nothing is hard sometimes
  • I did this yesterday though, I was so sleepy and tired after work
  • my brain just forced me to zone out and process the moment because I needed more sleep
  • and I need more time to transition between tasks/modes
• I can’t optimise everything in my life
  • self worth, productivity with work and hobbies?? Capitalism? Ableist society…
  • just don’t feel like you’re allowed to enjoy life and slow down…
  • so it’s important to fight against this and protect your own mental health
• the idea of hobbies as a productive side hustle is suffocating too
• I don’t like how many hobbies, vacations, travel and events require money
  • to make the most of it, planning how/when it happens gets stressful too
• my excuses – I can’t afford the time, energy and money for classes, social events, etc when I value my recovery time very much!! And time to do the chores!
  • I know it’s at the expense of bonding time with people in groups
    • but I’m trying through 1 to 1 lunch chats and calls instead :’)
  • I feel less involved when it’s a social group but sometimes it’s a great thing to not have to decide on anything and just go with the flow with the group…within reason haha
• gotta relax in a frugal, isolated, sad, hermit way ;’)
• I don’t understand camping as a holiday thing though
  • maybe because I don’t have people to go with ;P

daily/regular study and goodbye kimo drawing challenge

• feeling bummed that kimo8 (figure drawing challenge) this year is exclusive and private now to 500 people
  • this is because it got too big, demanding, stressful and the loud, immature toxic ones caused a lot of drama with over 5k people last year
  • I don’t know if I should just do my own daily/regular small doodle/study instead
  • there’s offshoots in the planning stages but they’re not sure yet either
• daily/regular study – it really is a mental mindset game
  • one does not allow motivation/feeling to lead because it’s fickle
  • but focus on discipline, dedication and to keep the practice/creative time small and manageable
  • I’m not great at this though, I’ve been playing by ear
  • because they’re lots of times where I’m just too tired and falling asleep/unconscious to focus on personal art as much as I wanted to
  • you can say I should wake up earlier but that just means I’m fighting with my night owl self
  • also I wake up at 5:20am on certain days when there’s no time for personal art…
    • do I have to wake even earlier??? Oof I don’t want to lack even more sleep
  • all I can do is juggle the best I can :’)
  • even trying to stick to a weekly thing is hard
    • at the moment I post at minimum every 2 weeks with this blog
• I would feel so sad if discord became unusable and there’s nowhere else that is on par as an alternative…

it’s great doing 1 to 1 chats with some peeps!

• otherwise I don’t have much of a social life :’D
• I enjoy it (usually) when there’s mutual sharing involved
• peeps can talk for most of it and I’ll listen and engage if I’m interested
  • as long as I get to say something for a bit and it’s not only about them :’)
  • sometimes I have more to say but time runs out or I forgot…so then I text message about it instead before I move on and actually forget ;P
  • I’m not great at speaking up so when I feel up to it, I do so and I communicate best by writing/typing…
• I’m striving to manage expectations when they don’t respond / forget
  • I feel like most people don’t want to chat over text or at least with me ;P
• I know that I am just an extra in others lives and they have higher priorities and closer friends, loved ones, etc
• it does suck when I think back in the past that I thought people felt the same and I probably expected too much of them (in my mind) but they’re just friendly and not really my friend at all…
  • I’m managing this and I guess my expectations with people are usually low now
  • my rejection sensitivity is high haha
  • just focus on enjoying the present company and not (over)think beyond that…which is easier said than done sometimes
  • if I’m insecure, anxious, hurt and uncomfortable and they don’t seem to consider me at all then it’s time to move on…
    • not that I’m great at moving on and talking about it as I am a conflict avoidant butt

Hello world

• I don’t know how I got 432 visitors to this blog in the past week – that’s not normal?? HOW??
  • most of them are from the US? Only 2 from Australia apparently. Who on earth???
  • I hope you’re not scrapers…!!
  • I don’t expect this to happen again though…are people actually reading??
  • I thought I’m talking to the void…I won’t get my hopes up
  • it seems like a small amount looked at my art summary post? But I don’t know
  • it’s very weird, I don’t really get that much usually. Usually it’s 4-8 or something…
  • I haven’t been paying attention too much because I don’t want to obsess over it though
• been wrestling with work since I am new with something and most but not everything was documented
  • so trying to give myself grace for mistakes, being much slower and am getting used to it
  • trying to un-tense myself from focus mode ahhh
  • the team was super supportive and helpful along the way!!
  • I worked a lot today so that I’m not context switching as much
    • I need to take it easier in the coming days :’)
• trying to not let the disappointing and depressing genAi in games / creative studios get me down :<
  • I shared things that came up about it at my tiny discord server

Anyhoo it’s late and I need to sleep and work eep. Thanks for reading!!

---