Idol career is over…[from my deadpan idol debut]

Though it was over before it began haha

I’m not at all entertaining – doing what I enjoy doesn’t mean people care ;P

Figure study #TrueRefDT005 I’m struggling to squeeze in learning/art/study when my brain is exhausted & melting 😭

I’m not really squeezing in art/study that well – I have to rotate, plan and test when I can do it 🙁

I find it hard to do a tiny bit each day because it takes ages for me to transition to it when I’m already energy depleted and struggling to decompress. I can’t optimise my life and time too far – I need to allow myself breathing room or I’ll burn myself out. Gah this is so hard 🙁

Leonie rambles about…being existential on my birthday today

I just made sure I took a bit more time off so I can go out to eat and shop…I ended up suffering from digestion discomfort, tummy aches, terribly sore shoulders, feeling exhausted and I really need to be more frugal with my tight budget oof :’) Too much oily food is not for me…I had a bad time. Slowly recovering.

Today it’s another day! I feel older and am just trying to appreciate and focus on the present. And to not stress about the future, life, health, workload, if “I’m good enough”, loneliness and if people are still sticking around in my life :’)

People understandably don’t remember nor care about birthdays outside of work and family for me ;P

Also wondering if I should bother doing birthday doodles anymore (it does feel terribly self centric as much as I self reflect here) but it seems like a few more peeps are reading this blog post – thank youuuu :’) <3 I still don’t know if I should do them anymore as I don’t want to depend on them too much for validation and best wishes…not that I get a lot of that. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment haha

Ah well I did this post so I can reflect on myself :’) Next year maybe I won’t talk too much about my bday at length as it’s private and mundane ;P Just reflect more on my life instead…

I guess it’s just social media/bluesky and a lot of real people in my life where it’s a struggle for them to care as a whole – which is fair. Very, very few people even publicly engage with anything or see what you post after all. I get this as I’m a lurker myself with a small audience!

At least I got some cleaning and chores done at a slower pace! But there’s always more chores to do wah

I mean birthdays is just (an excuse) for making sure I treat myself with food and things I want and need (in moderation), do things I enjoy and game playing. Essentially I try to force myself to not be as art/work/chore focused. Keep myself away from checking work stuff this time. Treat myself special while I’m also second guessing myself about it ;P

Trying to *plan* rest/recovery time is hard because I always get too ambitious and want to do more things than I’m actually able to – time and energy wise :< And then I doubt myself about actually doing it. I hope to be better at balancing rest with work/art/chores/life/etc!! I’m terrible at it as a workaholic…

I keep being existential as I don’t know what I’m doing with my personal art and studies…it’s been like this for a long time gahhh

Self reminder that I just want to learn and create what I enjoy (being silly with characters and illustration). And I often do things on a whim with whatever I’m hyperfixated and interested in. But I am not there yet with skills, presentation, composition and packaging what I do (specifics not as sure). Not sure if I need a project to structure what I’m learning. Should I wing it?? I have half baked ideas but they’re not formed enough to drive me…

I am not confident that what I enjoy is what others enjoy since I am still a small artist on the internet after over a decade. Am I too unfocused??? Not that I want to manage a huge engaged audience as that’s stressful!! Just as long as someone sees, appreciates, enjoys and acknowledges what I share then I’m happy! :’D It definitely bums me out when no one resonates with it…and then I just have to process it, move on and try to do better…

All the same I should focus on studies more. Keep exploring and being patient with my never ending life long learning journey…!!

Yuming Li’s thoughts on the artist community and growth

• I think I’ve been feeling this since I used to go to GCAP and some industry events (see my old posts about how upset, overwhelmed and jaded I was as much as sometimes I learned/gained from the experience)
  • it’s disheartening when people change, get opportunistic and treat you like a resource and not a friend anymore
  • I’m not talking about the casual professional acquaintances where all you do is greet, chat and then forget each other haha
  • it’s sad and hurts when people don’t want your company anymore too :’)
• yes out of desperation I have also reached out for help and some company from people in the industry but it was usually “networking” from the start and not friendship (as it is a career/professional setting)
  • they have their own closer friendships after all and respecting boundaries is important
    • (hard experiences/lessons for me to learn too – I am far from perfect at this)
  • in the case that they are friends, I am not entitled to their help :0
  • I have distanced myself away from most events as I was forcing myself to be someone I’m not, I don’t have a buddy there to rely on and social groups is overwhelming and overstimulating :<
• lots of industry peeps insist that it’s all about making friends at industry events and paying it forward
  • but that’s hard for me – I am not a social person and am lacking the quality friendship time mileage so when/if I do, I have to force myself out of my comfort zone and I am deadpan (with a scary face??), anxious and tense
  • why are some people expecting us to help everyone unconditionally and at the expense of ourselves and our boundaries??? I don’t like it and it’s disrespectful when people pressures someone to help
    • I feel horrible when people hustle me too much or I feel like I’m being “hunted” as a resource (to be used) that it repels me if it’s going too far
    • paying it forward is great otherwise when intentions, expectations and boundaries are clear and understood
  • Artist support is great but I don’t want to make it a performance and worry about social politics/dynamics
    • I’d rather be selective and keep it discreet
    • politics stresses me out when mind games are involved – my autistic self can’t handle this
  • I don’t want to follow much people on social media so don’t expect it from me
    • I don’t even check my feeds much :’)
• in terms of artists – I don’t have much real life artist friends as a hermit
  • it is isolating when I just don’t belong to any industry or artist friend cliques in real life
  • maybe some casual discord artist peeps
    • I focus on those who do celebrate others’ progress genuinely
  • yes I do get jealous/envious of other artists but it turns inwards and I focus on what I can work on…
    • at worst I just distance myself to sort myself and my insecurities out (may even unfollow if we’re drifting apart or not close) and wish the inspiring artists well
• I do feel hope for artist communities but it’s rare
  • it does feel lonely and emotionally exhausting when you don’t know who you can rely on and trust to have your back and mutually support and celebrate you during the good, difficult and mundane times
  • I want something low key and regular and that doesn’t mind me being a hermit…
  • I feel cara is great for artists!! Many artists are just posting and are busy though (like me haha)

Anyhoo typing this up ending up taking longer than I wanted whoops!! I hope my words are coherent…

I need to keep my blog ramble short in the next one haha

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