The 3rd out of 3 of the Xmas Crossy Road universe illustrations I worked on/off since 2022 with Sara’s support! Finally finished them all in August 2023! I won’t show the remaining/third one this year though!

Unfortunately a timelapse failed to happen because I forgot to continue recording the timelapse in a later version of the working file – I deleted the timelapse not realising that some changes would be reverted :’)

So many colours to juggle!

Presents under the Christmas Tree [tweet]

Empty boxes noooo :’)

I can make a wishlist but I usually get things myself if I can manage/afford it, given that xmas presents isn’t a thing for me ;P

Well I don’t get/give presents so good luck to those who do!

Leonie rambles about…

The Rise and Fall and Rise and Fall of X (What’s so great about that?)

• meaning of X in media, culture, history, uses, twitter

Watching some basic boi videos / to learn about the latest shoujo and stuff haha

• the appeal of shoujo boys…(basic boi)
  • it is exhausting and great to avoid non-toxic male (and any other diverse genders) main leads
  • it’s nice to hear that some men read and love Shoujo too :0 (ignoring the less wholesome reasons)
  • I don’t read/watch/know the popular shows/manga since I don’t really want stories about high school as much :0
• skip beat vs. the wallflower: the ugly duckling transformation (basic boi)
  • oof the urban dictionary definition of ugly duckling with the ableist word shown in this video
  • disagree with the Cinderella example – a commenter brought up that indeed Cinderella is not an ugly duckling, she’s super attractive in appearance (outside and inside)
  • yeah the people pleasing part of it (to change your appearance into an entirely different, conventionally attractive person) bothers me
• explaining the “male fetish” in yaoi media (basic boi) (plus unrealistic beauty standards for men)
  • it’s usually the slim athletic build, don’t have bellies, tall, handsome face, wide shoulders, slightly narrower pelvis – not terribly bulky/intimidating is the standard/fantasy/standard/ideal here
  • I’m not going to belong standing next to people who look like this because they seem too conventionally “perfect” haha
  • I can’t imagine what the beauty, exercise and diet regimen would be for those striving for these beauty standards in the industry oof
• an exploration of anti-blackness in the anime industry (basic boi)
• harem anime & the ‘pick me girl’ paradox (basic boi)

Sidetrack due to the above videos (CW body image):

• I’m not proud of my past self – I was super insecure about my own tummy, got conditioned to get judged by how fat/thin I am and did the horrible, judgy comparison thing out of insecurity internally in my mind
  • when I was younger I did say my reactive/judgemental thoughts aloud to myself unfortunately and people might have overheard – younger Leonie’s too blunt/mean/insensitive
  • I’m still trying to minimise my insecurities and doing it as an internal, immediate reaction as much as I look for various visual aesthetics and ideas as an artist
• feels horrible when you get socially conditioned and feel like you’re only valued if you’re beautiful, slim, young, fit, white (skintone/colourism) and are popular, skilled, charming like the super conventionally attractive, eurocentric people that get work and are celebrated (and also are more harshly judged/criticised/watched) in the entertainment industry and in real life
  • oof those TVB beauty/talent pageant shows I grew up watching :’)
  • also celebrities who are from minority groups get so much expectations and standards placed on them too
• the whole makeover, get fit, “ugly duckling to swan” trope and fatphobic things (when slim isn’t the only way to be healthy!!) were in a lot of the media I grew up with
  • those shows with the “fat suit” for the “before makeover”….did not age well
  • I remember unconsciously, naively wishing/associating as a kid/teen/young person that if I “transform” like that I will get the love and things I wanted pfffft nope! My face is not conventionally soft, pretty and feminine for that either ;P
  • I am not a fan of people rating people out of 10 like a product when it’s super subjective + people are more complex than their presentation
  • Nobody cares and everyone’s worried about themselves
  • In my gut I knew it feels shallow and empty if it’s only about conventional attractiveness/appearances/desirability and over time I didn’t want to bother, didn’t want to stress about it and got lazy
  • I can’t keep up with the make up & presentation anyway because it’s so expensive with time and money too – can you afford/maintain all these products, clothes and all that? :0
  • but I do admire people who do the hard work to take care of their appearance/clothes/etc and get creative, pretty and stylish with how they present themselves – I just won’t fit in or belong next to them haha
• you have to do it for you and your own emotional/physical/etc needs
• not that I know how I want to present myself anymore – as a hermit I am more focused on comfort and function over looking attractive ;’)
• I’m so glad and I appreciate it when I see more people with diverse bodies and in various walks of life getting out there and representing themselves as they are as individuals with their unique beauty, style and personalities
  • attraction is subjective and it involves a combination of someone’s outside looks and what’s inside?
  • If people do their best to present themselves how they like it means they’re confident in who they are!
  • I don’t know it’s complicated and I don’t claim to know everything
  • people have their preferences and there’s probably nuanced differences between aesthetic/visual attraction, romantic/affectionate attraction, sexual attraction, emotional/deep intimacy and actually living with someone – they’re not the same though they can probably overlap?
• I’m getting better at accepting how I am, my skin (eczema scars) and my tummy (and probably more but I’m not listing it)…and keep enjoying food!
  • I won’t claim I love everything about myself but hey always learning and striving to manage my insecurities :’)
• exercising regularly (light walks or intense workouts) are great physically and mentally too!

Unrequited Love SUCKS. Tough Love on How to Get Over It. (Cinzia DuBois)

• comforting video; also reassuring me that I was right to stop contact with people I’ve had unrequited/projection of feelings for
  • because the mixed, complex, hurt, resentful, insecure, anxious, self depreciating feelings won’t completely go away (even though I’ve tried too many times, it festers because I’m pretending I’m okay/things are fine and I’m not being honest with myself as well),
  • it’s not an equal connection (one side’s emotional investment is way much more than the other)
  • it’s miserable, heart breaking agony as I’m always feeling subpar, not enough, insecure, ashamed, obsessively thinking, miserable and anxious around them
  • most don’t even care for my existence and have their own worlds they’re worried about too
  • I know deep down they’re not right for me at all anyway, not compatible and I’m not anyone’s “type”
  • perhaps they sense that and keep their distance too and consequently I feel even more ashamed and guilty about my own conflicted feelings…it’s probably for the best!
• in turn I might seem/act like a horrible person for distancing myself but I don’t want to hurt myself any further
• as a video commenter said – it’s also easier to fixate on an idea and obsess over someone than actually work towards a real relationship – indeed it is!
• most of the time – it’s just not connecting, vibing, working nor comfortable, relaxed, easy, fun, enjoyable to be around them in the first place
  • I’m too busy being anxious, projecting, overthinking, flustered, insecure and trying to hide all that if I’m crushing on someone
• I wish it was easier to move on but for me it doesn’t completely go away if I’m still lonely
  • I don’t want to keep grasping for the delusion/escapism
  • I have moving is possible if they’re not part of my life and I don’t come across them anyway
• it’s also super uncomfortable, pressuring (or even creepy/unsafe depending on social/power dynamics and if boundaries were overstepped) if you’re the subject of the crush
• also when people who keep “breadcrumbing” to keep you interested but not actually interested to commit to anything
  • I’m learning that “friends first, take it slow” approach with someone you like is not really great in the long run (lessons learned) when people aren’t on the same page with their intentions in the first place
    • it can be seen as another way to lead someone on without outright rejecting them while enjoying the attention/affection/validation and to feel desired
    • I think I’ll see that they have no interest at all and take it at face value – it’s less stressful that way
      • and it’s probably my fear of getting hurt again here where I refuse to believe that feelings were mutual since no one has made it explicit and clear anyway
      • I don’t want to stress about it
    • also saddening that people don’t see me in a romantic, meaningful, deeper sense – but what can I do when connection/quality time and mileage is lacking and I definitely am not normal as an autistic, germaphobic, anti social hermit ;P
  • or the breadcrumbing is not intentional (super friendliness?)
    • one has to be honest and upfront about your feelings which is not easy and not often done – someone has to start/initiate!
    • and I’m too much of a coward to do that (unless I feel confident, bold and brave with a person randomly!)
    • don’t want to face the expected rejection and admittedly the consequences and internal resistance of actually changing how I live if I really included someone else in my life :’)
      • I need to be willingly, lovingly, happily for this person and to want to change my life around for them to be in my life (given that they would do the same for me – compromise and teamwork)
      • I need to be safe, comfortable and actually respect, trust and be genuinely interested someone and their way of life to even consider it
      • maybe I’m stubborn and not keen to change myself for someone anyway nor do I want someone to drastically change themselves for me either
      • but at the rate I’m going I don’t know much people who are keen on becoming part of my hermit world
      • (am I somewhat demiromantic?? demiplatonic too? With trust issues? haha)
• the fact that you can’t openly and safely communicate what you want, how you feel, what you’re looking for means natural communication wasn’t present all along and it wouldn’t have worked out
  • another commenter on this video brought up a great point!
  • if you can actually talk about hard topics and not keep avoiding, ghosting, dodging and/or laughing it away which most of us do ;P
• I often find myself shocked when people actually aren’t talking behind masks, are genuinely listening in return and consequently we can be honest about our mistakes/flaws/struggles in private situations
  • though there’s plenty of times where the talk jumps into a lot of topics without going too deep into anything so I do appreciate it if we can bring difficult things up if we want to dwell on something longer and then move on
  • superficial is okay if you’re just hanging out with small talk (which I am not used to)
  • I do get insecure when I feel like I need to “maximise” the little time I have with a person and then I feel bummed that we didn’t really talk about deep emotional things
  • but I don’t want to stress about if if it’s something I have no control over – a conversation takes more than one person and we can also talk about light, silly, casual things
  • it just means we’re not that close enough to get that deep :0
• it’s difficult for me to believe that people are interested in me in a romantic way when I’ve seen interest wane super often (or no interest at all) which is normal
  • also I’m a solitary, overthinking, anxious, autistic hermit also
  • of course there’s times where I lose interest too (as friends or more) and didn’t want to pretend otherwise
  • can people be friends if one has one sided feelings?? I think not when it’s not emotionally equal nor addressed at all…the conflicted feelings fester and I may / may not be able to move past it this discomfort, unease, pressure and tension
  • there’s exceptions of course – especially if one has the emotional support system
• I just hope I can keep & have deep connections even if it’s not romantic :’)
• a crush is just a lack of information (natalie etched) I don’t know about the mind games mentioned here
  • yeah I don’t want to build a delusion/fantasy, overly attach and nor do I want to expect anything
  • I’d rather learn about the person more and take down the mystery and usually that ends up with incompatibility/reality conflicting and fighting with my projections – and then I end up cutting them off for my own sake and mental health because I get insecure, lonely and obsessive
  • live and learn I guess! :’)
• with crushes I’m more emotionally attached to the idea/projection than the actual person (it depends)
  • usually with the actual person I just feel uncomfortable, insecure, distant, conflicted, resentful, get on the hopeful/disappointed rollercoaster, hurt and incompatible after some time getting to know them
  • the interest turned out to be shallow due to the mystery/lack of information while the real flawed person comes to light (not that you can fully understand someone or yourself) and that it wasn’t really mutual/equal in interest, respect, feelings, values, effort, compatibility and affection all along
  • when you wish for the idea of romantic love, affection, physical touch, feeling cared and loved for, for someone to give and love back, hugs, supporting each other during the tough times, someone to have boring conversations and quiet, simple moments with, doing chores/life things and having adventures/fun together rather than the reality, time, mutual interest and hard work of it (and getting involved in their world, family, friends, lifestyle, dreams too)
• Indeed I’m reading silly romantic fiction because I lack that in my real life :’)

Paige Layle’s Spectrum of Love: My Autistic Odyssey with Sex & part 2 (CW: sexual assault)

• I’m just learning from her experiences & some of the video comments – I have no relationship experiences!
• yeah I don’t feel like a real “adult” and not really keen on doing sexual things
• I also felt gross, disgusted, uncomfortable when people seem to just wanted sexual things and were looking at me like meat/object – I don’t want to be pressured, manipulated, forced, objectified, obligated, guilt tripped, expected to do things I don’t want to do nor enjoy doing
• I think I do have a fear of being perceived since I dress really casually
• many years ago during times I got sexually harassed, assaulted (as a kid & older) – I didn’t know how to handle it, was terrified and unsafe, my trust issues rocketed, felt alone, felt gaslit, had to process things on my own and I was overthinking it and dissociating too
• not keen on being physically and romantically intimate if I don’t fully trust, respect and feel safe, relaxed and comfortable around someone
  • I don’t know if I’ll ever experience these supposedly warm, caring feelings of romantic love and affection as they’re probably more fantastical than realistic – real life is more messy and not as “exciting”
• then again I’m more on the ace/demiromantic spectrum so I think I’m more about affectionate physical stuff and than sex/ual stuff itself
  • also it seems to be too demanding and I’m not comfortable/used to discussing sexual topics
• I don’t know nor relate to all her experiences but she’s giving me a different insight and experience!
• on Persistent Drive for Autonomy
  • “if a demand feels unfair and someone is controlling me I will be triggered into fight (outright no), flight (deflect), freeze (all internally in your head and dissociating)”
  • if it’s part of my routine, I go into autopilot mode but yes it depends if I want to drop whatever I was doing to comply with a demand or not (usually it’s not immediate) and I do keep it as low demand as possible (I’m already anxious and stressed out as it is!)
  • this makes so much sense to me now because even with my own plans, I rebel against them because it felt too demanding, unrealistic, forced, I didn’t feel like it and/or I wasn’t in the headspace

Stressed and Alone? This is for You (Cinzia DuBois)

• gosh immediately I relate in some ways and how it’s exhausting (I’ve never lived alone for too long but I’m a hermit)
• learning to ask for help and trust others is a process – managing my trust issues
• I do see my hermit life as a journey or “quest” and indeed that’s why I write my blog – I feel like I can express myself and feelings here and just accept my slower, solitary, quieter pace in life :’)
  • it’s too much information for most so it’s not for them
  • I’m just rambling and making my own space for myself firstmost
  • obviously that doesn’t make it great “content” because it’s not packaged for an audience
• my blog is not about serving others and making money – that’s just adding unwanted pressure and more stress! I have that with social media already
  • I do share blog links to social media but that’s it – I don’t expect much readers with my little blog
• still I get spam about people wanting to put ads/get featured or redo my whole website for me – go away!! I am not a website for your articles!!
• apparently I’m supposed to have goals and but I’m more task/learning/fanart and slowww growth focused haha

Also I watched Tokyo Godfathers for the first time as my Christmas movie!

What a fun, emotional, character driven movie. I enjoyed this movie out of all the other Satoshi Kon movies because I actually cared about the characters and it felt grounded in real life social issues about homeless people, LGBTQIA+/queer & diverse minorities, women in Japan and more. Here’s a (meandering) video essay on this movie by BreadSword.

Anyhoo so far I’m not as productive as I like and I’m just tired. Doing things at my slow pace and feeling way behind. I found myself sleeping in or falling asleep much more due to sleep deprivation.

Yeah I’m not feeling great and about myself :’)

Also the Sweeney Todd: Tiny Desk Concert!

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