πŸŽ΅πŸŽ€πŸ€πŸ”Night time Christmas CarolsπŸ“–πŸŽΆπŸ¦†πŸ¦’πŸ¦ [Crossy Road + Crossy Road Castle]

Uh I wasn’t expecting to be called clever; thank you – I am flustered a bit haha

The Crossy Road/Castle newsletter is here if you’d like the 4K version of this illustration! [tweet] [ig]

Art process captioned commentary!

The 1st out of 3 of the Xmas Crossy Road universe illustrations I worked on/off on since 2022 with Sara’s support! Finally finished them all in August 2023 :’)

Watch my video for more thoughts! I think this piece took me the longest!

Night time Christmas Carols

I have been part of some carols as a kid (for school) and that’s all I can remember :0

Leonie rambles about…

  • 10 Life-changing SELF CARE HABITS for the Highly Sensitive Person (Simple Happy Zen)
    • I definitely relate to a lot of these, I need to be more intentional with “white spaces”, “charge your heart” and kangaroo care (been doing it unconsciously)
    • I just don’t have a sleep schedule as I’m a night owl forced to wake up early and becoming sleep deprived
    • yeah…I’m often stressed, overstimulated and get too tense if I’m not self conscious…
  • 5 Self-Care tips that ACTUALLY work (and aren’t toxic by Caroline Winkler) notes:
    • take it bit by bit and allow yourself to make mistakes, learn from things and change
    • tuning in to what your mind, heart and body actually need (don’t force self to exercise to the max and slow down to something more gentler)
    • growth mindset and/or just do what you can
    • get a connection and reach out and talk with people…if they’re available that is
    • sort/clean/organise something in the home/declutter/ keep mind busy
    • having and practicing compassion for yourself as you would for a friend you’d protect
    • getting support and help even if it seems hopeless (well I don’t do this one)
  • 7 Habits of Highly Miserable People (struthless)

let’s learn about PDA autism together (the Thought Spot)

  • Pathological Demand Avoidance / represents Pervasive Drive for Autonomy / persistent drive for autonomy
    • indeed there’s no research for adults
  • I struggle with this too – I do not like people (especially of unearned authority or people that haven’t earned my full trust and respect) expecting me to comply or “do as told” by their demands and are entitled to immediate respect and trust
    • people taking control of my time, focus, agency and what I do from me
    • I hate being rushed – I deal with it daily anyway ugh
    • or they have inconsistent rules and expectations or they clearly favour people over others
    • please don’t expect “compliance” from anyone, let alone any child
    • yeah I do relate to the fight/flight/freeze threat response from getting triggered from PDA and not getting help with stress and anxiety and with emotional regulation
  • I don’t like people asking me to do things immediately/impromptu without any regard if I was mentally ready or not – leaving me scatterbrained, overwhelmed, forced to context switch (terribly anyway), feeling my time was wasted/worthless and stressed out even more with my own routines and my rest of my day
  • I don’t take impromptu calls
  • I don’t like being put on the spot
  • I don’t relate to the manipulating part either since I get caught/blamed either way (in my efforts not to be insulted and blamed) and then I get scapegoated regardless ;P
  • I don’t relate to her with cheating on tests – I value hard work too much and was conditioned on being a good “student” regardless of whether I find things actually useful for me or not :’)
  • I do agree that learning for a test and then forgetting about what you learned by rote after feels meaningless
  • now I am more resistant to doing things because I’m supposed to/expected to, especially when my heart is not in it and if I can’t find any applications for it to stick to it
  • I do agree that I hated being told what to do by everyone and I just wanted to not be controlled
    • I also have parents who just want to enforce authority, are always right and “get treated like a child whenever it’s convenient/beneficial for them” (plus shouting or neglect due to work/something else)
  • yep I have no respect for people who are disrespectful and looking down on me and when it feels unfair
  • agreed if someone is consistent, honest, can explain how and why and allows me to take my time then I won’t be as resistant
    • if we treat each other as people/equals, to respect each other’s time and tempo and to be able to make our own decisions/with agency – wouldn’t that be nice
  • yeah agreed since I’m a hermit I don’t get burnt out as much and it’s more about being tired and overwhelmed dealing with the day to day things and the occasional and random scary/tense/anxious non hermit stuff
  • I also avoid the thing when it becomes an obligation/pressure/responsibility with consequences
    • and if it seems not okay to say no
    • other times I just want to get the thing done and over with (it depends how complex it is though)
  • I don’t like people telling me to do something when I wasn’t expecting it – I need transition time between things and don’t do well with context switching too
  • I hate it when I am being told to do something when I was already doing it/going to do it anyway and it makes me so angry (backseating in real life)
    • then you may/may not do the task out of defiance and resentment even when you might want to change your mind and not want to commit to the task during/later
  • a lot of managing it and making mistakes and learning along the way – it never fully goes away
    • nervous system disorder/dysregulation?
    • Seeing things as a threat against my agency so it gets triggered/activated?
    • Feeling physiologically unsafe? I guess :0
    • I also get tense/annoyed/resentful/stressed/activated whenever someone brings up “change of plan…”
    • I think of worst cases, what I’m being blamed for when I didn’t do anything wrong and spiral if I’m not careful
    • external things can’t be controlled – all I can do is attempt to prepare myself or manage it best I can
  • I’m more of an internaliser (I have lashed out years ago during super stressful times but I don’t anymore as a hermit)
    • I’m an internaliser since I don’t feel safe to say/react what I really feel due to “eggshell parenting” and end up “people pleasing” at times instead
      • might end up dissociating more when I get scapegoated too much
      • getting criticised heavily and for any mistakes or for forgetting things is not fun
    • “project the stress/feeling as a me problem” yep I’m the quiet child and I also try to do it back if I felt wronged with injustice and I attempt to “equalise” it
    • avoiding demands and conflict yep – anticipating things/demands on my own terms if I can
    • wow how will having someone to help with regulation (relational healing?), actually support/care and not abandon/distance from me look like?
      • I just deal with it on my own…and blame myself as I struggle with it
      • also one cannot emotionally depend on someone too much either
    • I also need to practice how not to be clingy, insecure and codependent (perhaps I’m lacking in emotional support and love in myself)

Reacting to Unhelpful Advice (Thought Spot) – reflecting as an autistic person

  • yeah I have misophonia I guess…I didn’t not enjoy the whispering at the start of this video
  • on invisible expectations
    • these kinds of relationships and friendships are stressful – you’re being “tested” for your love, care and attentiveness when I can’t juggle all that and all that anxiety, dread and emotional tension!!
    • I guess that’s another reason why I don’t feel confident in being a “good” partner, friend, etc when there’s so many standards/expectations that aren’t discussed clearly
    • I want communication to be clear and consensual too and actually give each other fair chances but this only happens if there’s enough and consistent quality time with someone
    • invisible unspoken expectations are why I always feel not enough
    • I have this all my life as the scapegoat where I keep doing things and I get told off for not meeting expectations (my mistakes are how I find out I don’t meet invisible expectations when I’m not even consenting/notified/explained about in the first place) and then I’m forced to face consequences with resentment and frustration :’)
    • oh agreed and relate to this – how people ignore my needs even though I’ve told them repeatedly
      • they conveniently forget but chase you down for not always keeping up their expectations or needs and assume malicious intent by me
      • that hurts, is disrespectful and ultimately they don’t emotionally care for me
    • communicating directly and clearly shouldn’t be seen as aggressive, confrontational, too direct
      • I need this so I’m not always second guessing, feeling lost with subtext and attempting to mind read :’)
      • why am I expected to do emotional labour, mind read and know you and your needs???
      • Or let’s work things out together if we’re not sure what we explicitly want, without assuming malicious intent about each other
  • on body signals – hm what if you’re always anxious around someone you are already acquainted with…? But yeah lots of factors involved
  • body language & on eye contact
    • gosh I had to try to learn all this in the past because I didn’t understand and it still doesn’t help me!! People are so diverse in their body language anyway! Body language is not universally the same for everyone
    • body language reading is silly/useless
    • I also agree – I avoid that one person I like (or don’t like) and focus on everyone else instead too!
    • I don’t normally go out of my way (attempting) to “”flirt”” with someone I like – I’m more of a coward
      • I have initiated before during my brave/embarrassing moments and it doesn’t work out beyond shallow/casual conversation – life lessons I guess!!
    • I only do the eye contact thing (not consistent though) if they’re doing it also ;P
    • Eye contact with people…I can’t focus nor process on what we’re saying!! Too overstimulating indeed
    • definitely yes with the projected interpretations!! I’m stressed out thinking if I get misunderstood for flirting as well and I just don’t want to worry about it and let my body and face do/act how it wants
    • I don’t even do much eye contact with family if I’m focused on the conversation

I watched Paprika (2006) for the first time! Spoilers ahead!

  • fiction and reality – it’s just surreal and intentionally confusing once again
  • duality – dream girl vs the real self, conscious/subconscious – the mess and fluidity of the mind
  • harpies being a thing
  • the parade scene got repetitive and annoying – I guess repeated, mutating dreams are annoying too
    • it’s a lot of hard animation work though!
    • A lot of symbolism involved with the mash up of technology, history and culture
  • a lot of creepy disturbing dream sequences and exploring the unconscious mind
  • didn’t really buy the romance as it was crammed at the end via flashbacks
    • and her nagging and worrying about him felt like a mother and calling him a child genius a lot?? Is it condescending? I know they’re both doctors and they’re both flawed
    • It feels like a one sided way of caring for him?? Is this even a romantic love?? It just feels like comfort and trust in someone that doesn’t see her like an object of desire/pawn/ideal
    • He did attempt to take accountability for his invention but only because she scolded him
    • it’s great that an obese character is treated as a fleshed out character who has a person who appreciates him on the inside and not care about his outside and obsession with inventing and eating but they rushed the romance and there’s no chemistry between them unfortunately
    • I don’t even buy that he likes her either beyond friendship – I don’t see any hints of that?? He’s super childish which doesn’t really feel romantic even though he is actually an adult
  • what bothers me is that Tokita didn’t really have any remorse too about his invention causing deaths and tragedies, kept trying to create more of the devices before he got told off by Chiba
  • with Osanai’s and the chairman’s desires/lust/sexual assault/murderous intentions visualised – I am terribly creeped out by that scene and hated how a lot of the characters see/lust/desire/fantasise/idealise/use Chiba and/or Paprika (except Tokita)
  • I kind of didn’t care for the underdeveloped characters themselves as it’s more abstract and how the message is about balance between work, dreams, fiction/movies/internet
    • “love in real life can save you from your worst nightmares”, fears, insecurity, darkest abyss
  • how a video essay mentioned that it’s about dealing with their own unconscious fears and insecurities
    • kanakawa is movies, Tokita are toys/children, chiba’s is her alter ego Paprika
    • are we controlled by our subconscious/fears/desires?? How do we suppress them? Or escape through them? hmm
  • apparently the movie made it less homophobic than the source material/book with having 1 dimensional evil gay characters
  • the whole Light/Dark, Reality/Dreams, Life/Death, Conscious/unconscious and (Man and Woman I don’t really see as opposites though)
    • Paprika combines the bodies of Tokita and Chibi (combination/union/fluidity of genders? balancing both masculine and feminine parts of yourself?? I have no clue!!) to defeat/balance out the unbalanced chairman
    • I am confused with this so it’s probably dream nonsense haha
  • oof the upskirt photo takers and high school girls…that stuck in my mind as that’s a real disturbing thing in Japan
  • this movie is taking jabs at people who let their delusions, obsessions, forms of escapism, fantasies, creations, work, insecurites/fears, overeating, hyperfixations, fighting for control and desires go too far
  • the movie did feel directionless and didn’t feel like there were stakes as I wasn’t too invested in the characters
  • lots of “what did I just watch” and struggling to figure out meaning from it :’)

My Nintendo Switch Year in Review 2023!

I played more games than this but it’s not shown – I played on my buddy’s account with Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Mario Wonder and other co-op games ;P

I eventually stopped playing Splatoon 3 – I’m done with the Splatfests and getting all the seasonal catalog. Still not sure if I’ll play the DLC Side Order :S

This game (Tears of the Kingdom) consumed a lot of my life and I did a whole spoiler essay post here.

I’m picking Pikmin 4 as my favourite game of the year!! I’m happy it got a game award! πŸ˜€

Mario Wonder was close though.

And that’s all I have for today! I am getting used to my mouth splint though my jaw pain isn’t fully gone.

Phew juggling continues :0