SuperLeonieMode / Mud masks are hard to put on! 😂 Tomb-sweeping day + update
In this SundayLeonieRamble:
- Mud masks shenanigans
- Qingming Festival/Tomb-Sweeping Day
- Personal update: AC instagram stories, offensive autism behaviour to others, the rejection life & testing BodyPosi
I tried my first face mask sheet!
I put it on the wrong way on the wrong side with the bottom face piece but I winged it :’) I just get the cream on my face haha
It’s a Volcanic Ash Mud Sheet and I only left it on for 20 minutes (it needs 30 minutes) because I had limited chance to wash it off. So I don’t think I can give an accurate review when my skin still felt dry afterwards :/ I got different masks on sale in the past few years (I need to use them before they expire) so I’m going to talk about them in the personal update section when I decide to treat myself ;D
It does feel cool on my face and like I’m taking care of my face better? I don’t know if I’d want to use this one again though.
Rough sketch version! :0
Personal Ramble section!
Qingming Festival/Tomb-sweeping Day [info]
When me and my family visit our mother, a loved one long gone. I also struggled with my broken cantonese and watched crows acting like vultures. Glad that the pandemic lockdown wasn’t too strict at the time and we went and came back safely. I haven’t been outside since February but then again, I’m a hermit several months at a time ranging from 1-6+ months. I’m used to it :0
Flowers dad got for my mother’s grave
Gifts, money and incense to be burned for her afterlife
For those who didn’t know, my mother battled and lost to breast cancer during a lot of my high school days. So just a friendly reminder to please do breast cancer checks during the week after your period <3
One of the food offerings – Diamond Layered Cake?
Made out of flour, sugar, coconut milk and so on. I didn’t like the smooth jelly texture when I tried this, I liked those that we usually get but we couldn’t buy mum’s favourite ones anymore :<
Overall it was a short little family visit as we wished for health and best wishes for ourselves as per usual. Made me think about our mortality too.
Personal update time!
- been updating my instagram stories about Animal Crossing 😀
- most people exited but a very small handful of peeps read all the way through the updates!! Some answered quiz questions; it is super nice!
- wasn’t sure if I should keep doing it for a while because most aren’t interested and leave and seeing them exit hurts sometimes (whoops on me for taking things too seriously from people I know). Felt like emotional rejection training :’) Plus I had intended to keep my instagram art focused.
- but I’m still interested and happy to share my fun and slow experiences in the game! Most of the few people I did interact with through the stories are great and wholesome!
- making story updates shorter when needed so it’s more manageable when I update! It was getting time consuming :’)
- Offensive Aspie/Autism Behaviour: When I’m Tired
- Gosh this is me!! I get tired, quiet and tune out when I fast run out of energy putting on a “normal socially acceptable” mask when in social situations and don’t have anymore capacity to take in others emotions, conversations and so on. And then people don’t feel comfortable around the zombie deadpan, unmasked, overwhelmed me (which is me most of the time) :’) I just want to sleep/meditate/nap so I can recover again. That and I don’t want to put on a “normal” mask all the time.
- meanwhile I push my limits because I don’t really socialise much as it is and I find it hard to get space and time to recover. I really need to ask for time to sit, be quiet and meditate even if in a social setting by myself. Hope to make it clear in any future social things so that people don’t take it personally, so I don’t have to put on the mask all the time and that they don’t feel uncomfortable when I’m quiet and need a break from stimulation :<
- I’m often tired, zone out and I shut down around people because I run out of energy fast after an hour or two of pretending to be friendly, alert, normal and processing everything around me. Most of the time I’m happy just doing nothing around people I trust and/or following their lead! I get stressed when put on the spot to decide things :’)
- I relate so much in that I’m binary in nature and I work in bursts
- I’m either ON/high energy or OFF/low in energy and need to do things one at a time (ie one person at a time, not any more than that). Otherwise I’ll be a quiet follower if I’m in a larger group and happy to just be around people’s company :’)
- if I have to wait on someone to reply too long and there’s no more back and forth within a few days, I lose my interest, get distant, turn off and move onto something else. And this is where I vent about ghosting because it’s been happening both recently and lots in the past with people I thought I had a potential/ongoing bond with. It happens, not everyone likes you to want to talk to you :’)
- please note I’m not talking about the rare friends who will eventually reach out, reliably do/respond when they say they will do within good reason and also we mostly match each other’s level of intensity, understanding, responses and interest when in conversation. At times things are quiet and there’s nothing else to say but I’m not super hurt/fazed/disappointed by it when I’m not too confused/vague/distant/doubtful about the friendship. This is because trust, respect and understanding that we’re not that close nor in each other’s lives has already been established.
- with ghosting, hey I don’t want to be accessible all the time either, that’s why I prefer taking my time with email and continuing the conversation from there. Plus both parties can take their time in responding and keep things slow over a few days or weeks ;P Not a fan of being on instant messages but it’s a must when you’re doing online stuff together :0
- still it feels like pulling teeth or squeezing water from a rock, trying to converse with most people in text/online with deeper topics. They only respond once or ghost you right away, leaving you on read & still interact with your other things as if it’s normal and casual while I feel rejected and my ego’s hurt. Hence the mixed signals that we’re not on the same page and they don’t want to socialise with me online. At least I know they’re not interested but it’s just hard for me to “act normal” in their presence when they’ve ignored me :< I just don’t want to give them time of day anymore and stay polite where necessary.
- I’ve experienced this countless times; it’s exhausting when you hope for things that would never happen. Wah my sensitivity hurts, I need to manage it better since I can’t put my guard up 100% of the time. Accepting this better.
- a mix of anxiety, hope, disappointment, hurt and realising that you’re not important or that interesting to be in their lives. I mean it’s clear to me they’re not interested to talk, are not on the same page and just want to keep things at a distance and casual full stop. I accept and respect that and I can’t change it so I keep myself busy with other things. They are just being polite and not upfront, based on their actions. It happens to people and I’ve been on both ends. People are evolving, fickle, don’t like confrontation and have the right to change their mind. No blame here, just tired, confused with the mixed signals and hurt.
- I’m probably dwelling on the wrong people and don’t interact with enough people as it is – gah it’s not helping my struggles with trusting people and my fear of abandonment and rejection :’) Not these feelings again!! It’s not helping :<
- stressing I don’t blame anyone, it’s just me accepting my feelings here and acknowledging that I’m tired of lacking emotional and effort reciprocity in most of my connections
- not that I’m great at it myself either since I struggle to behave in socially acceptable ways when I’m drained of energy around people and people probably feel that I’m not emotionally supportive in the way they want too. Plus I’m a hermit. Ah well I’m just not compatible with most people ;P
- same with trying to build friendships – I get intense into one to one conversations about the things I’m interested in, then they get scared away so I turn off and then they completely lose interest too so things don’t work out. Or they interact with me when I’m at low energy and too overwhelmed to talk much so they move on. Whoops.
- I get that in person socialising is usually the best for building the initial stages of friendship :'( I know friendships need nurturing so it’s been something I struggle to balance and if I’m not interested I let go.
- still I shall embrace & work along with my on/off intensity from now on and if people don’t understand it then that’s okay. I’m learning more about myself each day as I am about others
- since I’m low energy a lot of the time, people struggle to read what I feel and think and assume the worst because I’m not performing and expressing my feelings explicitly (and not great at articulating in the moment either). I’ve called it my Super Listen Mode or zombie deadpan mode. Consequently it feels like I have to put on the mask all the time to act sociable :”(
- for those 3 or so good friends who do reach out eventually after several months or a year – I get that we’re not in each other’s close circles but we still get along great/alright after much catching up and understanding (: Plus I usually don’t reply if they haven’t yet responded to me and I don’t have anything new to say. I just assume the conversation is on pause and they need personal space and are busy with life. I probably need to message out of the blue more, reconnect and reach out as sometimes it seems like they’ve forgotten :S
- “if we don’t talk then we’re not friends” that’s a blunt way to say it and I mostly agree haha. I don’t really do much vague acquaintances – it falls off my radar and/or becomes very surface level. I also like mutual friends who can pick up right where we left off, who don’t need validation by being connected all the time. But for many, if you’re not around then we assume you don’t care about them and that’s not always true when a strong, trusting bond has been established! :S There’s lots of grey areas everywhere.
- I don’t know what to do with most casual friends because they don’t go anywhere and I only have enough energy to actively and consistently care only a few handful of people :<
- side note to self, overall it’s hard to be comfortable on all levels with someone – with emotions/feelings, intellectual/thoughts and physical/touching/proximity :<
- Relate to this a lot on how Rejection is the story of my life
- how I usually end up liking/caring a person more than they like me and I’m just a casual friend/acquaintance to them. It hurts sometimes but after some reflection and time, I understand and eventually get over it. I don’t have many friends after all ;P
- I just don’t fit into any social culture. When I get drained from interaction and my mask falls off, that’s when people avoid and socially reject me because they can’t read me anymore and I’m too different and deadpan. I’m not in the habit of reaching out and that’s not great either :’)
- Okay I’ll get over it but I just wanted to vent, keep things in perspective and keeping self aware with my silly sensitive feelings :’) I need to let it out! Thanks for bearing with my messy rambles!
- I got my flu shot since it’s autumn now and winter is coming :0
- It was a morning full of anxiety and social distancing at our doctor’s. Couldn’t sleep on time the night before. So glad we got it done and over with 🙁 Get your flu shot if you’re from the southern hemisphere!
Bosy Posi playtesting!! A mobile game building body positivity skills by Lumi Interactive (:
I need this card as I’ve been struggling with self belief, accepting my slow progress, staying kind to myself and accepting rejection :’) The card art is looking better and better too in this version! 😀
Thanks so much for your support & for reading! You help me keep going! ʕ ✿˵•ᴥ•˵ ʔ ♡
Phew that’s it for now; please take care today and the coming week!!