It’s Mallard (holding a bouquet) and Chicken’s wedding party with pink confetti!
Flower hedge behind them and behind that is the Mallard family (Dad Mallard, Mum Mallard and Sister Mallard) + Wedding Officiant Unihorse, New Hampshire Chicken cousin, Rooster cousin and White Silkie Chicken cousin! In the bright blue sky is the words “Chicken <3 Mallard” via white clouds!

Congratulations Mallard & Chicken!! 💖 Part 1 here for more context on the update

I wanted to do another fanart illustration to show the happy celebration for their wedding!! <3

I was stumped on how to approach it but hey I’m keeping it silly, wholesome and simple!

Mallard needs some happiness <3

I am amused that people want more (as usual) but for now, Bridal Chicken is not a character because it is Tuxedo Mallard’s time to shine! ;D

Disclaimer that I do not have control on who ultimately makes it and becomes a character – what I can do is concept, design and make art! People are free to send suggestions at the Crossy community discord or Hipster Whale email though but stressing that there’s no guarantees. I don’t speak for my company either ;P

Anyhoo, happy single/love day! ;P

Leonie rambles about…

We Are The Art | Brandon Sanderson’s Keynote Speech

• his talk on genAI’s hidden cost
• essentially genAI cannot take the:
  • journey, self expression, frustration, soul/spirit, pain,
  • beliefs, intentions, understanding, experience,
  • creative process, effort, growth, mistakes,
  • feelings, meaning, connection, communication away from us
• a commenter mentioned Han Christian Anderson’s story of the Emperor’s Nightingale
  • how a mechanical nightingale cannot replace the intent, meaning, soul, effort, devotion, friendship of the real nightingale with the emperor
• it feels empty, meaningless and unearned when you don’t learn and struggle through the journey/process/experience/feelings and just focus wholly on the product / “money go up”

Reflecting on love and loneliness from random youtube videos in the theme of Valentines ;P

Personal ramblings so skip if this is tmi ;P

The Aroace Experience (someone’s experience as a video)

• ah revisiting this topic again!
• I do feel weirded out with dread, discomfort and anxiety if someone shows interest (fear of change!!)
  • it is hard for me to believe in the long run that someone is interested back
  • I start minimising interactions and panicking inside
  • fear of change since it’s potentially another person’s life, schedule, people circle, problems, struggles, way of communication, expectations, dreams/goals, hobbies, interests and needs to worry about
    • I have to eventually fully accept and embrace it all for the right person – if they exist
  • so I’m technically emotionally unavailable because I don’t know nor experienced/handled mutual romantic connection – and/or I’m just embarrassed/awkward
    • I know everyone starts somewhere but eep
• I do feel aesthetic attraction and desire romance, closeness/intimacy and affection,
  • desire for someone to rely on, teamwork on day to day things
  • kindness, trust, understanding, managing energy levels together and to talk about feelings
  • who considers me high priority
    • but they themselves should be top priority – they should take care of themselves first!
  • someone who can fully accept that I’m ace and who and how I am
• when I have feelings I get more friendly, anxious and overthink everything too
  • I don’t think this is lasting, deep love
    • because it’s projection and romantic(?) attraction and probably shallow because I don’t know them well?
    • it’s not developed through knowing, accepting, spending affectionate/emotional quality time and loving everything about someone
  • isn’t love more about being comfortable, safe, happy, affectionate, close and attracted?
    • not being insecure, anxious, afraid and not being true yourself?
• maybe I’m lithromantic (romantic attraction in my mind and hoping for it yet at the same time fearing reciprocation)
  • I don’t fully know since I get hurt whenever feelings are not reciprocated
  • and rarely anyone had mutual feelings for me to know for sure ;P
    • but yeah I probably do fear reciprocation
  • I guess it’s just managing the waves of longing but not really inclined to have the messy, hard work, acceptance, trust and struggles of a real romantic relationship
  • am I demi-romantic in reality? I don’t know
• I am cherishing what I have now with the few friends I have :’)
  • though almost all (if not all) my acquaintances and friends have partners and best/closer friends who are higher priority than me
  • it is what it is and it’s good for them! I know my place :’D

What if you never find love? thoughts & notes

• hey that’s me wondering the same!! It’s over!! ;P
• all I can do I manage my spiraling feelings, longing/limerence,
  • hurt, rejection sensitivity, loneliness, grief,
  • hope for mutual emotional connection, to be cherished, embraced, cared for
  • hope to be someone’s priority and whatnot
  • keep away from romantic fiction as I get carried away too much…
• just focus on what I want to do
  • and focus on the people in my life via other types of love and appreciation
  • I would take care of myself and pick myself up
    • as much as it’s exhausting to do everything on your own
    • ask people I trust for help when needed
• the need for peace, agency, patience, calm quality time, freedom,
  • not trying to stress about things I can’t control
  • growing at my own pace
  • be my own best friend too if I do remain alone romantically (as an introverted autistic)
• I dread having romantic relationships also because it does mean I have to learn to manage someone else’s messy lifestyle and their relationships/family/friends (as noted earlier)
• got to manage the ache and waves of loneliness – there’s always the desire there
  • it’s a vague fantasy/feelings in my head and I don’t know what it’s like in reality
  • I hope for it but I don’t want enough to chase it
  • I am protecting my peace perhaps
• not actively seeking love because the stress of dating feels too much and stressful
  • I don’t feel like I have strengths or qualities of the attractive, charismatic, skilled, socially competent, “ideal girlfriend” in dating and long term relationship situations
    • that feels alien to me
  • I don’t want to feel like a product nor want to go through hoops to feel accepted
    • I’m already trying to survive day by day as it is
  • I don’t need a romantic relationship to live my life because it’s not the only thing in life
  • there are many other important things in life after all

The Truth About Loneliness No One Taught You notes

• how it can be systemic loneliness if you’re neurodivergent or a minority
  • you never belong and feel emotionally misunderstood
  • it’s not about proximity
  • it’s about being a minority with neurodivergence, gender, race, background, socio-economic status, etc
  • and it’s a lot of work and energy just to appear “normal”
• it’s hard to “expect” things and love :’)
• “sit with people and not speak, get used to being around people first”
  • eep
  • seek likeminded safe sensory spaces mindfully
  • I don’t know if I have the interest to drain my limited social energy further though…
    • but I will strive to make it an occasional thing in the future
• seek emotional depth/connection, truth and healing
  • not just through physical closeness, shallow connections, desire, painful attachments
• how loneliness will never fully go away
  • so just manage and accept living with it + spectrum of emotions
• what triggers the lonely feelings?
  • for me it’s people with partners and showing affection and hugs and feeling lower priority with their other friends
  • I do reframe it and feel happy for them
  • and also the loneliness when you don’t feel like a friend of priority and you feel forgotten, overlooked, abandoned
• how would you cope? Self hugs? Platonic hugs?
  • help yourself first, do not bottle things up and then more help may come (whatever that means)
  • don’t wait for someone to save you….
  • you are worth hearing out (UGH this is hard)
    • talking about it acknowledges its existence and feeling heard
  • dump people if they don’t actually care for you
  • need to know what type of loneliness it is to target and tackle the struggle/issues
• say what you need, be seen, talk to strangers, say hello, ask for help, compliment, volunteer
  • I am not great at speaking up…
• need to feel safe around people and not overstimulated and empty
• need true reciprocity with true emotional self
• sit with heartache and not jump to fire to fire
• express/create stuff and live fully
  • create obsessively and creativity with energy and new worlds and dimensions
• live with loneliness, honour ebb and flow of waves, it is not a flaw
  • everyone has lonely seasons and waves and not a failure
  • not alone in this – you are just one of them
• eternally misunderstood – no one can fully understand another human being
• loneliness:
  • we’re all alone in a way and only you feel you feel
  • loneliness is not a enemy, don’t put it on a pedestal, let it go, pass, come and let emotion go,
  • have rituals, hobbies, return, it is like any other emotion, live
• it’s okay to be lonely and it’s normal
  • well I’m learning to live with it but I’m not always great at managing it
  • because I get sucked back into romantic mangaaaa and it’s bad because it’s at the expense of my time for other things and sleep
• I need to stick to my goal of getting better sleep and doing the things!!

You Don’t Want Love—You Want to Be Picked So You Feel Worthy notes

• no need to be perfect to be loved – people are are mess
• you really need love or just proof that you’re wanted, loveable and good enough
  • I guess that’s why I don’t really focus on it because it does feel like a performance and dance with lots of overthinking/anxiety/doubts on my end
  • I want to just enjoy being who I am without doubt
• I am rejection avoidant though…and fear of abandonment is real
• anxiety is not chemistry – is that why in the past I avoid people I had a crush on?? It’s one sided!!
  • I was also uncomfortable, insecure, confused, forgotten about and unsafe (I don’t know them) and on guard around them
    • I’d rather want to get to know someone before anything
    • especially if long term friendship is even possible
  • need warmth, consistency, trust, protection
    • and working through conflict/struggle together
    • not just about self validation
• in turn I don’t spend too much time on people I don’t respect nor like if I can help it
  • some people don’t get the hint though that we’re not connecting nor compatible :<
  • let people go if they won’t stick around!! Nothing to do with your self worth
  • stop chasing people who are fickle and are confusing, chaotic, indifferent, makes you feel small and are emotionally unavailable!!
  • it’s okay if they don’t message/reply
• if people don’t like me, it’s better to be rejected early as much as it hurts and it sucks and it’s frustrating
  • people are allowed to not like you and you are not for everyone
• no one will come to save you,
  • you have to save yourself
• I do find it hard to believe if someone chooses me – I do struggle to love myself sometimes
  • caring for yourself and others
  • choose quiet and peace
  • but let yourself be angry and have feelings too
  • choose yourself
• stop performing and do what’s best for you – even if it’s a lonely path
  • people would like you as you are not who you’re pretending to be
  • self worth is not about how wanted/desired you feel
• allow yourself to feel lonely and sit still
  • it’s nothing to do about self worth
  • you are never picked
  • you choose yourself with your own power how you spend your energy and who gets to stay
• ultimately it’s all about taking your own power and choose and cherish yourself :’)

Mistakes I Made That Were Keeping Me Lonely

• you are not compatible with everyone because we’re all different
• do what’s right for you if you want to do a weekly social thing and show up and engage with people
  • my tiny discord server probably doesn’t counts as a group social thing…
  • being lonely around people and lacking in genuine connections is uncomfortable
• be around people who lets you be you, have people’s back, share stuff
• contact people not just because you need to or want something from them
  • ask how people are and check in
• put effort and go out
  • hermit Leonie says no, I need my recovery days ;P
• don’t focus on people who don’t respect you and don’t feel the same
• vulnerability is scary
  • embrace being boring and some level of anxiety
• practice social stuff and at least try and take initiative
  • video has ideas on things to do
• all I got is walks and 1 to 1 chats over lunch ;P
  • which I hope to keep up
  • even just quietly chilling or rambling whatever comes to mind
  • embrace the awkward and boring
  • I do want to be able to draw on command
    • but I forget to take out the sketchbook and zone out instead sometimes for some mental rest

Personal update

Today was many disappointments
Pen doodle of Leonie holding a “baumkuchen” but it was fake and not great at all when I wanted a treat after everything / exhausting day :’)
No I don’t like too much cream or icing on my cake as it makes me nauseous

• wow the State of Play was alright [my discord thread of game trailers for games I may watch here ]
  • none of the games are for me
  • but some of them I might watch someone play it – as usual ;P
• Why You Can’t Stick To Anything (The Polymath Advantage)
  • in terms of mastering a skill
• Career Strategy For People With Too Many Interests (The M-Shaped Future )
  • 6 to 18 months is a considerable time to focus on one interest
• 8bit band & Gen Parton-Shin doing a cover of Baka Mitai / Like a Fool
• Shanghai: The Birthplace of Chinese Cinema 2 of 2 | Cinematic Landscapes of China
  • wow that Sun Wukong and Astro Boy art from when Wai Laiming met Osamu Tezuka :0
• I need to completely quit reading manga/manhua as I get carried away
  • to fill the bottomless void that is longing for romance, intimacy, feeling cared for, wanted, loved and supported :’)
  • as mentioned earlier I end up not having much sleep and have not got what I wanted done
  • I managed to keep away for almost a whole week
    • and then I started binging what I missed yesterday/today oof
  • I think I need to keep myself super busy so I don’t get the chance to get sucked again…
  • I need to stick to my boundaries!!
• learning how too much peanut butter is not great
• learning a bit more about skin and hair care and on healthy eating
  • allow self 80% wholefoods and 20% treat/processed foods
  • that’s hard though….
  • I am someone who likes bread and rice 🙁
• am sad to hear that Yakuza Kiwami 3 undermines its original story
  • and invalidates Yakuza 4 and onwards?? WHY
  • storywise it’s racist and misogynist, reflective of their views and context
  • they took away the wholesome trans side story among 60 other ones too apparently? 🙁
• concept art looks so cute for Pokopia
• I got carried away watching videos and writing notes about them (see above for some of them)
  • oops but I want to retain things better
  • I really need to just write less notes so I don’t spend so much time writing these!
    • Why did I get carried away again!!
    • I need to limit my blog subheadings!!
• my discord server update
  • I just transferred the references & resources channel into a forum channel so it’s less messy at my tiny discord server! A few things got lost but I will keep adding stuff there as I come across things as usual!
  • feel free to join if you are able to juggle another (tiny) server!
  • if it’s not for you, people are free to leave (it happens)

Anyhoo stay kind with yourself!

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