Leonie with both hands covering face alone, feeling like a lonely failure, not enough, inexperienced, lacking, left behind/irrelevant/inadequate while everyone has emotional, intimate relationships, loved ones, lots of social friends to depend on, adventures, valuable skills and their lives put together.

Background is full of couples/partnerships/connections/friendships in accepting affectionate, romantic/platonic love, understanding, acceptance, trust, loyalty, respect and supportive togetherness.

My dream from last week or so where I was feeling inadequate. I’m drawing this since I actually remember this dream and it would also be super uncomfortable to talk to someone about it directly.

The real dream was vaguely full of people in my life with their loved ones, relationships, friendships, etc while I am a low energy, single hermit with limited experiences.

Feeling alienated/outcasted from them. Like I’m missing something. What is the experience romantic love and affection and intimacy?? How can I make hermit platonic connections happen??

Especially when I don’t do social group things regularly to even build friendships and relationships over a long period of time. And yet I know I don’t have the energy to do it when social groups won’t cater to my bad stamina/energy levels and overstimulation (hey it’s usually just me) and I end up zoning out and drained when I push myself through these things ;’)

It’s both romantic and platonic connections, adventures and experiences I lack as I reflect about it.

Well I do have and cherish the very few friends at least! And there is the fear of being alone entirely too.

I woke up feeling bummed that day.

I wonder what my subconscious is telling me about my insecurities, emotional/romantic/platonic needs, waves of loneliness and concerns ;’P

I guess this is self awareness! I do appreciate what I do have so I need to be mindful and that this is the consequences of doing hermit things to recover my limited energy. And then outside people call you lazy. Which is not the entire truth.

I am striving and hope to do 1 to 1 catch ups and chats where things, intentions, effort and expectations align but I’m finding it’s unreliable when you want platonic connection beyond that and yet conversation usually only happens (understandably) when the chats manage to happen and when people have the capacity to. Sometimes one can’t find people to talk to because life happens.

I’d rather not pressure anyone nor myself, let things go and try another time later. I strive to process my mixed feelings, put aside my ego and manage my expectations. A mix of not wanting to be too honest /emotional dumping, walking around eggshells a bit and figuring out boundaries/the social dynamic norm with a person each time (people change and can be fickle after all).

I would like more people I can just rely on and annoy at any time but I’m not that close to most people. Who will accept me as I really am? Who can I accept as they really are?

If I’m still second guessing, anxious and insecure about someone and they’re not really being mutual, emotionally honest, clear with me through their words *and* actions (and it’s a pattern) then I keep emotionally guarded with my trust, effort and time.

Gah I’m overthinking again.

At least I can do random posts at my tiny discord server…

Leonie rambles about…

Finally it was time…I went to do some medical scans and it hurt getting one of them. Ouch. I was anxious about the needle as usual too given my “tiny veins”. Will need to do a specialist follow up in the coming weeks and oof it’s expensive doing this!! Again I don’t want to do this too regularly due to the costs.

Also hearing the technician complain that people just want to stay at home and be lazy…am I being indirectly attacked for being a hermit???? Hey! I just do best with 1 to 1s but most people don’t want to do that.

Anyhoo it took me that night to decompress as with any outing. I kept yawning and zoning out…

Well juggling work and life continues!! I have yet to progress much with studies as I keep getting myself distracted via escapism/procrastination :’)

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