In this MondayLeonieUpdate

• Hot chocolate girl again!
• personal update, burn out & creativity as an artist
• more therapeutic thoughts about dealing with narcissism & having autism
• and other interesting finds!

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Happy Hot Chocolate Girl! 😀

Last week I finally drank some hot chocolate 😭💜🧡

Early stages!

Yeah I like this iteration of her better (:

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Leonie rambles time!

As you may know from last week’s Mac post, I had an power outage for a while and internet went down for a night and morning mid last week! It was nice to finally use my gifted gingerbread candle for 5 minutes to light up the darkness. It smelled strong and nice!! ;D

Nice to take a break from the internet for a while too. Had to use a little mobile hot spot for work purposes (with limited data, I had to use the internet sparingly)! Just highlighted how much I depend on power and the internet :’)

Also I’m not bothered summarising what I talk about in these weekly updates at twitter because in general (regardless of current events) I feel people get scared off and mostly indifferent when I mention serious and personal topics on a platform that revolves upon keeping users on their platform, endless scrolling, noise, twitter threads and easy to consume posts. There’s also bigger, concerning global events to worry about.

It’s the same for instagram but most people don’t read the full captions and if they do, at least they choose to “read more” ;D Anyhoo I’ll keep things mysterious for twitter peeps. They’re mostly there for art anyhoo ;P

Whisper of the Heart: How Does it Feel to be an Artist Video Essay (burn out & creativity as an artist)

• yeah after watching this essay, I agree that I’m a sensitive artist at heart :’) Full of doubt, depression, dread, anxiety and hopes and how making art is just part of what I do sometimes. I’m not a special snowflake in that regard, I know ;P
• I find joy and fulfillment in expressing and sharing my thoughts, my art and what I’m learning at the moment – especially through my blog (: Art life progress for myself really since few people read this blog ;P
• “We know we shouldn’t but given the opportunity, we WILL work ourselves to death if no one is there to stop us.”
  • OOF that hit me! I’ve burnt out too many times on lots of projects I’ve done because I care so much about the quality and standard of the work and how much I’m learning from it at the expense of my own well being. That’s how I work when I dedicate myself to something. Lots of highs and lows as I push my limits – from experience it tends leaves me tired and losing the joy in what I do :<
  • It’s very hard to step back, take breaks and protect yourself from being burnt out and resenting what you enjoy doing. As you know I am slowly healing from it during recent years and have been more “lazy” just so that I can recover at my own slow turtle pace.
  • there’s some guilt because I’m not super intense into studies as much as I would have like :<
  • if I don’t really care for the project, I tend to protect my rest time better haha
• I’m not sure if I still enjoy creating since I’m still figuring out what I find fun and fulfilling to make it a sustainable habit. I don’t want to get caught in the quicksand of overthinking and planning too much and consequently not doing much arting either :<
• At the moment my creative life is consumed by contract work (if it happens), Animal Crossing island designing, terraforming my latest design, money making or flower breeding (in the past week at least) and making fanart or art
  • I feel lost and struggle with making art a consistent habit.
  • Now that I have a loose design, I’m going to limit AC to just to wind-down for the night and no more morning turnip price checking :’)!!
  • hope to make learning and/or self expression the regular habit. I keep saying this to reassure myself and I need to figure out the how to put it into action :0
  • hope to learn art at my own pace!

Some therapeutic videos for me about narcissism

Control vs. Love?

• ooh this helps a lot to distinguish whether people are trying to control you
• are they showing love or they’re trying to do and manage everything for you? Are they limiting who you meet and what you do?
• this made me reflective too! How I need to let go of needing reassurance from others and manage my hurt insecurities and mood. Not take it personally whether people respond or act at all the way I want or not.
• It’s super hard though!!! I care and hope so much than the other party at times and then I get myself hurt that way. Stop projecting, Leonie. Expecting reassurance from somebody all the time is empty and emotionally draining anyway for everyone involved :’) Get some space!!
• in turn I’m getting better recognising when people are pressuring me or projecting upon me through their words and/or actions so I try to be polite, take things super slow and get space from them

Is narcissism contagious?

• turns out no! I do agree it affects me in negative ways because I find myself more abrupt and intense in my communication (or mute) because I am *so* used to not being listened to, not given space, dismissed, overlooked, rejected and not getting my needs met so I try to get what I want to do or say out of the way when I get the courage to :’) And in turn that’s not how healthy, slow, organic connections work and it scares people away :<
• I feel more aware that I need to slow down and manage my fears and insecurities when interacting with people (a theme you’ll see later in the autism section below) :’)

Cultural/generational narcissists

• this spoke to me so much!! Got told plenty about how tough my parents had it under the umbrella of their “love and sacrifices” for us, how privileged we have it and how ungrateful we are. Stressing that I am grateful. All the same, this allowed them to control, guilt, dismiss, criticise, manipulate and neglect us into money making vessels 🙁 Such parents and people need therapy the most for their personal traumas and lack of trust in others. But they won’t ever do it because they’re never wrong in their eyes.
• these videos are helping me taking things less personal and identifying how to emotionally manage things better. Or not as I get irritated and more aware as I tolerate what they’re doing towards me :<

Might as well have a section where Leonie reflects about having autism

What Autistic People wish you knew (self diagnosed here :’) )

• masking is exhausting and expressing outward empathy is not natural to me. At my pace I take lots of time to process things but people expect almost instant emotional validation during conversation :<
• agree that I tend to be blunt, intense and information dump when I feel comfortable enough to talk about what I feel. And many neurotypicals get weirded out understandably ;0
• I’m mixed and get overwhelmed with phone calls and with things out of my comfort zone too. I need help with simple tasks and things sometimes because I get stressed, overwhelmed and meltdown when I don’t know how to tackle things when they don’t go as planned or my routine is all ruined by life happening

Autism and Rejection: The Endless Chain of Evaporating Relationships

• on my end I agree that it’s my responsibility to learn and set better boundaries
• I need to learn how to slowly build and test friendships
• my fear is that I don’t want to find myself getting used, discarded and lacking in any emotional support, help, goodwill and space to ramble and have someone to mutually listen to each other.
• I feel that most people passively keep each other at a distance anyway and vaguely keep in touch through social media. For me, I don’t even check my most of my feeds anymore because it’s too casual and emotionally draining for me 😛
• agree that there’s anxiety and overthinking with people I’m interested in getting to know better and no anxiety with people I’m not ;P
• I feel like I’m compensating and giving more than the other party when I’m invested into the friendship. I agree with the video that when I need some emotional support most will think I’m needy and annoying, not returning the same energy
• I probably I attract narcissists this way
• I don’t have the drive to maintain a perfect friendship anymore and to expect too much reciprocity – it’s too exhausting prioritising someone over myself if they haven’t earned it over a long, consistent, indefinite amounts of quality time and company
• constantly being (usually) the only one acting, reaching out and giving as a good friend just puts pressure on the other party for reciprocation and hurts yourself in the end too
• as Paul in the video says, people expect only getting support and not giving any support back if you just keep giving
• for good, sustainable connections to happen, it takes two. Both need to take responsibility, commit time, give and to be interested
• so I need to work on building friendships slowly, strengthen it by doing tests and asking for help and favours more?
• I especially need to learn to let people know if I’m not okay if I get hurt, angered or upset. Help others understand my needs, boundaries and let them know? Don’t just accept everything they give if your needs aren’t being met.
• Plus be willing to walk away respectfully, get space and let go if they don’t feel the same (in the moment or at all). Just not expect anything, take care of myself and not wait for them :’)
• gosh I’m not inclined to ask or speak up about my needs when I don’t expect anything from them so lots of food for thought here for me :< Eep!

Other interesting finds

• The Manga That Breaks People
  • disturbing! That’s why I avoid horror unless it’s compelling and I have someone to talk about with
• Unspoken Truth about Asian Racism
  • gave me food for thought (I’m not too knowledgeable with the context since it’s America centric) and made me reflective with my own experiences
  • how I will never belong to any community and/or culture but one that I make of my own, with myself :’)
  • started watching more of his videos and he’s pretty articulate, honest and well spoken and fully knows his own flaws, mistakes, personal struggles and refusal to be manipulated by others. He brings up some conspiracies too so I don’t know if I agree with all of his theories and opinions as of yet
• The Lorax (original cartoon 1972)
  • I was pressured to watch this environmentally friendly singing TV special. I did not read the book and if I did, I don’t remember a thing!
  • Well narrated, simple story. It was alright and over the top to drive the point home about corporations versus the environment :0
• Hybrid flowers in Animal Crossing explained
  • I’ve been doing hyacinths and chrysanthemums wrong noooo!! Flower gardening was so time consuming since then as I fix my too many happy flower planting problem :’)
• PokeToon
  • Pokemon parody of old toons! The story is meh but the animation is interesting (:
• Indie Live Expo
  • the two English live translators on stream were silly, charming and funny. They’re doing their best :’)
  • 4 hour showcase of Japanese centric indie games with Toby Fox giving a heartfelt message at the end. Nothing mind blowing.
• Tom Holland Performs Rihanna’s “Umbrella” (Lip Sync Battle)
  • am late but he’s confident, athletic, sexual, incredible in his performance – it’s the best!! Wow! 😀
• Watched a coughbootlegcough version of the Six the musical
  • a great girl power pop concert featuring a modern retelling about their their lives as Henry VIII’s ex-wives
  • I enjoyed it even though it’s not fully historically accurate
  • made me watch more historical videos on the Six Wives of Henry VIII part 1 & part 2, Mistresses of Henry VIII part 1 and part 2 last year ;D
• A great, thoughtful, honest and thorough Final Fantasy VII Remake (Spoiler Story Review) by Clemps
• Watched the cutest Dreamworks short Bilby for Annecy when it was available
  • showcased all the aussie animals and wholesome cute story <3
  • It felt forced when things that weren’t predators or part of the Australian outback appeared ;P
  • sad that the movie Larrikins got cancelled :<

Gaming update!

That’s all for the past week!

Phew thanks for reading! It’s been a difficult past week(s)/months with current world events, the pandemic, BlackLivesMatter rallies fighting for justice around the world (including AboriginalLivesMatter, Black Visions & Common Ground) and other troubling global events and problematic opinions.

Thank you for reading! May you have a restful, low stress week! Stay safe and take care of yourself!

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