SuperListenMode: Ongoing friendships

1 to 1 catch ups! They’re people I enjoy spending quality time with more than once!! I welcome and don’t mind you existing in my space ;D

Usually it’s the only times I get out of the house now :’)

Thank youuu so much for your lovely company ♥

• People whom I don’t feel like I need to entertain or fit in with.
• People I can be myself with and click with.
• People who don’t mind me rambling too much and being my soundboard :’) Yes I tend to talk too much when I’m super comfortable or nervous rather than the usual listen mode when I’m in groups.
• I don’t worry about not being cool, intelligent, popular, fast, witty or fun enough with them.
• I don’t fret whether they like me or not.
• I don’t have to struggle to match with their energy.
• I don’t feel like I’m always trying to chase them for their company.
• I don’t feel like I have to hide parts of myself.
• I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells.
• I don’t feel like I’m annoying them.
• I don’t feel like I’m at risk of being “ghosted” and ignored.
• I don’t feel inferior to them when I’m around them.
• I don’t feel like they’re focused on themselves all the time.
• I feel happy to listen to them ramble and talk about their feelings too.
• I feel happy to figure out a good time for both of us! 😀 I’ll definitely make the rare exceptions but generally I don’t want to stay out at night/late, pay a taxi fare then wake up early if I can help it. Public transport is troublesome at times and I can’t afford taking taxis too much anymore.
• I feel interested in what they’re interested and learn heaps from them!
• I don’t feel terrible if I forget details about past conversations with them haha
• People I trust well enough and will eventually get back to me, even if it’s days, a few weeks or even months. (Okay if it’s months, I don’t have the patience to wait and I’m going to move on and forget to be honest.)

Kind people and friends I strive to prioritise my time for.

I’m better at not forcing myself to be overly present, enthusiastic, outgoing, witty and “on” at all times. Because it leaves me uncomfortable, inferior, worthless, sad, disingenuous, people pleasing and exhausted in the end.

That’s not me.

When I try to let go of silly expectations, relax, joke, sit in quiet company, talk about meaningful issues or have fun doing things together…I am not as exhausted. Slowly, organically and selectively reveal details about our lives. I feel more real, alive and better understood to do and express feelings about things I’m actually interested in. Friendships <3

I’ll keep on fighting for my integrity, values and self respect with lovely people – learning! Huzzah!!

Special thanks

I must mention [and I wasn’t asking or expecting it] how in recent months my few handful of friends have been kind and generously treating me out for lunch when we do an occasional catch up because they understand how frugal I should be and that I need to get out of the house :’) Thank youuuu!

Gosh I feel a bit of a burden each time and consequently hesitant to reach out for further lunch catch ups.

Thank you!! I’m grateful for having 1 to 1 lunch with good friends at all ;___; <3 I feel it really helps with my mental health haha

Please note and stressing that I’m not expecting it from the people I choose to catch up with and I’m happy to pay for my meal – I’m just going to do it on a very rare basis because I’m increasingly more stingy, no thanks to my Japan trip, paid a large part of my HECS debt last year, some equipment, health appointments and the biggest reason is not having any stable, regular income :’) I’m grateful that people understand that I’m not keen on spending too much of my remaining disposable/spending money. And city food is generally expensive :<

Actually I’m cancelling all recurring health appointments after this/next week. I’ve been really pushing it and I can’t afford the luxury anymore. It’s quite something when they expected me to come back and find a job asap even after telling them my situation. I had to directly tell them I couldn’t afford it anymore. I’ll just strive to take care of myself better. Hopefully.

Digressing!

Good, genuine friends give you more life and energy, not drain them. It’s just super rare and astounding for me :’)

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