SuperListenMode 289: Chilling with Kalonica + another Friendships ramble

SuperListenMode: Chilling with Kalonica [Kalonica_]

Gosh she’s so cool, intelligent, thoughtful, kind and seems to know everyone! Super grateful for her patient, understanding company for a good part of a day. In contrast, I was a sad, sensitive rambly butt. We don’t talk often but I’m happy and hope she’s doing well with her creative & animation adventures. ♥

I wasn’t doing parties either so this is all I have! I don’t really do much social events so MIGW usually is a drastic change in my quiet life.

Was super overwhelming and felt bad trying to relax and I didn’t bother chasing people to catch up [too exhausting]. A lot of the time I felt like I should walk around and talk to people I haven’t seen in ages. But I know that most won’t care to talk unless it’s unintentionally finding/bumping into each other. :’) I usually let people initiate to chat instead as it’s already draining to even be in the crowd.

Generally socialising during GCAP:

…met some nice people, had a few deeper conversations, stuck around cool people for short chats, maybe hugs and a lot of people just waving hi and bye [not mutually interested].

Most didn’t want to meet up to talk, even with people I’ve talked with ages ago. Plenty of “I thought we had more potential to bond over things but I was wrong” kind of deal. But it was pretty clear they wanted to mingle with other people. I’m sure I’ve done the same to others myself when I’ve lost interest on my end. I’m cool and being reflective here.

So good helpings of sad, harsh reality that I can’t warm up with most people, getting forgotten, how crowded group things tend to favour the sociable/energetic/extroverted and that things keep moving on without you. Plus I tend to move on and lose interest if I’m feeling too much of a quiet follower.

You would argue that I “should” speak up about these feelings. But what’s the point when actions speak louder and most people are apathetic and don’t want to hear about these sensitive feelings? ;P They want to have a good time as a group, not worry about you, be burdened by you or pity you.

I don’t want that either. I noticed smart people just fade away from the group or excuse themselves, so I did the same, kept wandering about and felt overwhelmed and bored.

So acknowledging each other’s existence works for me too. That’s better than being ignored at least. ;P

On friendships again

As you know I take an age to consider people as trusted, long term, good friends. Because the bond keeps changing – becoming more distant or more closer. Proximity is a huge factor too, especially since I’m already an outcast who doesn’t like being available on chat/messaging applications ;P

  • There’s people you don’t feel comfortable with but you stay professional and polite.
    • Or people I just don’t feel safe around.
    • Or people who have betrayed my trust, ignored, ghosted or disrespected me. Intentionally and rudely so. We pretend it didn’t happen…but I won’t really open up to them. Especially if they don’t even address or acknowledge or care about what they’ve done and I don’t feel comfortable around them to speak up about it. I forgive but I don’t forget. Accept and let go of the resentment best I can. Eventually they’re just dead to me in an apathetic sense.
    • Or who act like they like me or want to be friends with me but they really don’t.
    • Or who brush me off and give me mixed signals, playing with my emotions, being flirty, avoiding deeper topics, changing their minds, not being reliable and keeping me double guessing. I look at actions rather than words instead as it’s hard to fully trust what most people say anymore. Because I find myself socially naive, sensitive and take things literally sometimes. People are complicated and fickle after all. It’s exhausting. I got no time for that dance, especially if they’re not honest and put up emotional walls up about it. Their struggles are not mine. I’ll give myself space from them. They’re not someone I can connect with right now. They’ve got things to work through as do I – I understand. And that’s okay.
    • Or people who seem to be pushing too much on me, too dependent on me or forcing me to like them at uncomfortable, disrespectful levels. Being too intense with me. Thinking I hate them just because I’ve gone quiet into my recovery, solitude mode. Giving me ultimatums. Not giving me personal space. Expecting me to emotionally be there for them when I don’t really want to or feel the same yet/anymore. Abusing power and being annoying. Me not being able to be the friend they want or need feels draining on both parties. When I feel done giving the benefit of the doubt after much deliberate consideration and I don’t see them fitting into my future, I slam the door and move on.
    • Or if there’s a pattern of lies, drama, disappointment, flaking, mind games, manipulation or masks at play to please each other rather than owning who they are. Too draining for me to figure out what your true intentions are. Just kindly say and do what you mean please, stop wasting my time with nonsense.
    • Or people I used to or am crushing on but I don’t see a future nor mutual attraction, deep emotional connection and compatibility in our interactions so I keep away to protect myself. If it’s not in my favour and/or if they’re already taken later on – then I have to let go and heal from the mixed feelings and heartbreak on my own. I need distance to move on.
    • Or people who enjoy giving me unwanted advice, or telling me what to do, or telling me how to do it the correct way, treating me like a child or how I end up following what they want to do all the time. I fight with that at home as it is. Often I don’t get asked what I want to do or even feel like I have a voice. It brings up my fear of abandonment, being forgotten, ignored, ghosted, lack of autonomy, independence and not having a say in something that does involve me.
    • Or people who have no patience with my social awkwardness, slowness, need for processing, missing their social cues and subtlety, lack of wit, feeling exhausted from social things and doing listening mode. People who want me to match with their high energy levels…when I’m pretty tired, deadpan and have no desire to react to them with forced expressive emotions. We’re on a different wavelength and energy level so it’s exhausting for all parties. Let’s not bother since we can’t mutually be respectful with one another. Bye.
    • Or people who bring out the worst in me. Distrust, discomfort, resentment, negativity, self blame, not feeling fun/outgoing enough, struggling to fit in with them and being “too quiet/sensitive”. Getting ditched, ghosted and forgotten often. Not being considered, valued, acknowledged or appreciated when I’m there. Always feeling like there’s something wrong with me. Feeling like I have to try super hard to belong and connect with them. Feeling drained, insecure, awkward and anxious around them. I don’t want to care and I’m done wasting time with such company. Sure it’s not something that makes me happy but it feels right to stay true to myself instead.
    • Or people I used to know…but don’t seem to be useful, loyal, trustworthy, respectful, fun, around, comfortable to stay part of my life.
    • Or people who just take what they can and do whatever it takes to get what they want…no thanks.
    • Or people who drain me too much to be around. They’re not for me.
    • Generally I’m super grumpy with all this messy group social stuff…because by nature, it’s not on my terms. I prefer 1 to 1 conversations. So I’m tired with group things. But what can I do. Most things are group focused.
    • I usually avoid people at this level because I don’t want to waste energy dealing or interacting with them. I want to spend time with people I’m comfortable and excited to be around. This is the norm for sociable people but it’s not for me. It’s rare! I’m usually overwhelmed, drained, uncomfortable or not interested.
  • There’s acquaintances where it’s pleasant, shallow and brief.
    • Or just someone you greet and small talk with. “How are you going??” kind. “I’m surviving,” I say. “You?”
    • Or people who say they’ll be there for me out of politeness. What they say doesn’t match with their actions…and not something I would follow up as when I actually do, I get ghosted or it doesn’t work out. Good intentions aside, they’re not people I can reach out to in the first place when we don’t really feel comfortable talking 1 to 1 on a deeper level in the first place :’) I can sense them emotionally walking away and keeping distant from me. As am I. They mean well though!
    • Or people who say “let’s hang out later” but don’t actually mean it. I’ve done it a few times too to my shame…as I only realised after saying it that we don’t really want to or I forget to follow up when it’s during a crowded social thing. Whoops.
    • Or just people you interact on the internet.
    • Or people you stand around in groups with but never talk to.
    • Or people you just talk with once and don’t really want to talk again. It feels awkward, uncomfortable, ambivalent or forced. No one’s really interested.
    • Or simply acknowledge each other’s existence.
    • Or kind people who wanted a one off deep chat for a while.
    • Or people who know you but aren’t bothered nor interested to acknowledge you.
    • Or people that come into the conversation and take over :I
    • Or people you just hug and move on haha
    • Or the super rare person I like and am crushing on but I act like I don’t care, aloof and strive not to be clingy under my turtle shell 😛
    • Or people you work with – all you talk about is work or small talk about games…and awkwardly talk about personal day to day things or the weather.
    • Or people who are kind and friendly…but not really your friend beyond that. Recently I’ve accepted that a lot of people I thought I could chat deeper with…aren’t really interested to be present with me after all, let alone be my friend. I thought I could ramble comfortably with them about my silly narrow interests. Turns out it’s mostly shallow, professional topics after all with them. They’re not really my friend nor am I someone they’re comfortable with or fun to be around. It sounds common sense in hindsight but I was hoping it was different. Oof it’s hard to not take it seriously and personally but it happens. Hurts and saddening too.
    • I think this level is most of social media, colleagues and people for me ;P
  • There’s casual friends where you’ve spent over 50 hours of quality time with [these hours are according to a study].
    • If we happen to ever catch up or stumble upon each other. For work, event or for an activity.
    • Or deep conversations and catch ups once a year or every other month. Not daily, nor weekly. Deep nourishing conversations <3
    • Not super close but there’s potential to if we bothered to invest the time. Mutual ongoing interest and respect!
    • People we enjoy spending time with every now and then.
    • Sometimes we banter and joke around.
    • People you reasonably trust and connect with beyond superficial things like food and entertainment
    • May help each other if it’s not too inconvenient.
    • Or talk about personal problems we might be having at the time. But we won’t check up on each other on this.
    • People who understand I need things planned in advance ;P
    • This level is a flexible, small group for me haha
  • There’s good friends where you enjoy their ongoing company [90 quality hours].
    • Where we can openly be vulnerable, sensitive, rambly, silly, caring and sincere with each other. If we do catch up.
    • People we can mutually understand who we are at our core…intense but not intrusively so
    • Enjoy each other’s quiet company and understanding/respecting personal space.
    • Help each other grow.
    • Proximity is a huge thing here.
    • Share our emotional baggage and problems. Some emotional support and company.
    • Check up on each other. Watch out for each other’s well-being.
    • Happy spending personal and extra curricular time with them regardless of activity.
    • May help each other in times of need. Even if it’s inconvenient.
    • Regularly catch up and have fun with each other
    • I think I don’t have anyone that’s not my brother who’s past 90 quality hours :'( There might be a few who fulfills this role occasionally as a casual friend? Not that I actually count nor I spend time with people that often. I enjoy my solitary time too much…people need to enjoy solitary, independent activities too with me ;P And push me to enjoy social activities too haha
  • And then there’s the very few best and kind friends where sincere interest and effort is made on both sides over a long period of time/life time [200+ quality hours]. 
    • Through good and bad times over our lifetimes.
    • Embracing everything about each other – flaws, annoying traits and down times. Feeling safe to be vulnerable with each other.
    • It’s a long, exhaustive, conscious process for me to let anyone in *this* far and at our most vulnerable!
    • I will be most loyal at this level. My inner circle.
    • Just my brother here and even then we’re stubborn with each other ;P

See this is why being around people drains me. I consider and observe a lot of things.

I don’t think I can categorise some people this neatly! Because regardless of the total quality time that might have happened, people grow distant or get closer. People including myself don’t really, really care unless it’s an emergency or they benefit from it. Reality is that people don’t care about you as much as their own personal struggles. So don’t worry too much about what people think ;P

Sometimes people fly between levels such as

  • 1) uncomfortable/acquaintance or
  • 2) acquaintance/casual friend or
  • 3) casual/good friend.

Usually I know how people fit into my life upon meeting + the more I get to know them + my gut feeling.

If I feel things:

  • aren’t mutual,
  • that values and expectations don’t align,
  • that one party isn’t feeling valued/appreciated,
  • it’s too one-sided with effort, growth and emotional labour
  • if we’re not regularly/monthly/yearly meeting up with each other,
  • if I’ve lost respect, loyalty and interest for somebody
  • if there’s too much consistent disregard for my well-being
  • if I’m unable to fulfill their emotional needs in turn
  • if their an air of indifference with each other
  • or when you realise that they’re disappointing you and you’re not that close with them nor part of the group as you first believed you were. They don’t like you as much as you like them. There’s a mixture of entitlement, betrayal, loneliness, hurt, rejection, isolation, disconnect and illusion of inclusion.
  • and if things feel uncomfortable, incompatible and forced…

I will discreetly cut it, put up my walls/barriers, get some emotional distance, conserve my time and energy and let things go. Sometimes if I feel anything “off” and one-sided about it, I will cut people off too. Saves us both the time and energy. At the least I need to take care of my own emotional well-being!

Also I’m not great and scared of initiating things – usually other people reach out first as I assume people are too busy! But if I’ve grown to trust and feel safe vulnerable with someone, sometimes I reach out to catch up too! If I feel like we’re mutually interested and care about each other as friends, I want to talk about things!! Maintain the friendship!

Otherwise, I am pretty lazy and energy conserving with it all haha

And sure, I’ve ghosted from social media or work slack as a whole when I need breaks/holidays but usually not individual people I know or email. As that’s rude and disrespectful! ;P “Usually” because it depends how comfortable, respected, trusted and good I feel about said person.

Hey, one cannot be friends with everybody. I don’t want to pretend and waste anybody’s time. Consequently I don’t have many friends ;P

If I’m actually sacrificing my beloved quiet solitary time…

…to keep doing lunch or spend time with you, I’m interested and genuinely enjoy your company as a friend. Heart to heart rambling and being silly together <3

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