When you let fear take over. Lizard brain.

This goes for people I don’t feel comfortable with, have crushes on, admire who are a different world from me, think who are giving me unwanted attention, don’t feel safe with, feel are pressuring me, disrespecting me, annoying me, not interested in and people who aren’t interested in interacting and avoid me. Oh noes.

Yes it’s a range.

By default I do assume the best of people and essentially the discomfort and tension is based on patterns of past interactions and body language. Especially when I sense that it’s not mutual from a genuine place from their end or mine…and I accept that I can’t keep being diplomatic, giving second chances and benefit of the doubt anymore. I can’t brush it off.That it’s not working out right now. I’m not brave enough, not bothered and/or feel it’s worth the time and emotional energy to deal with it directly. At times that builds into resentment against myself as I suppress these emotions as an attempt to not take it personally..and then eventually I move on and forgive it. Most of the time it fizzles out into letting it go or not interacting with said person too much from a genuine place until the vibe changes and/or it’s addressed.

People don’t really care that much anyway – too busy living within their own mind like me. So awareness and not taking it seriously and personally helps.

I am emotionally immature, sensitive and naive that way I guess. -___-‘
Doing my best to do better :0

With people I respect or have crushes on,

I do feel ashamed for distancing myself and going into flight mode because fear of abandonment and rejection are still things I’m managing. How I tend to cut myself off and distance myself whenever I don’t know how to deal with intense emotions from others as a defense mechanism. I tend to care too much. Analyse and overthink. So if I can help it, I don’t want to absorb other’s moods, stresses and feelings to my detriment. Countless subtle, contextual emotions and micro expressions I’ve stopped myself from ruminating and speculating about too.

There’s probably times I was spooked, shocked and didn’t know how to deal with awkwardness or sexual tension, how to go beyond the jokes or I become really socially dense – in that I assume, second guess and rationalise to myself that people don’t like me that way. Especially when I find them attractive – I find ways to assume we’re not compatible and have much in common. Even if we actually have moments of silly, fun interactions. Fears sometimes take control and other times I consciously block it out. I don’t want to make and analyse something to mean much more than what it really does.

Hey, every person I crushed upon ends up going nowhere but resulting in many silly mistakes by me, disinterest on their end, me doing nothing or stumbling about my feelings and ending in my own heartbreak. I’ve lost hope and don’t expect anything beyond this script of rejection. I don’t feel like I have things to give that they’d want in return…it doesn’t feel substantial enough. It’s wrong to project my selfish wishes upon somebody anyway! I just manage and let the silly, shallow feelings stay private in hopes that it fades away ;P It takes ages for me to grow and maintain friendships as it is…even more rare to find people you’re compatible, have chemistry and have fun with. I’d want to take it slow. Yet I don’t want to keep second guessing on whether we’re acquaintances/friends or if we want something beyond that for too long.

So oh no! They’re actually flirting or being friendly back but they’re not really verbalising it so I don’t know for sure…so uh I’m going to flee! They’re not being serious right? Oh they’ve now distanced themselves and I can’t seem to bond with them too much! They’re not interested in me for friendship or dating right?

Yeah. Fear of getting hurt and rejected in action! I’m a coward.
I’m not good at asking for what I want…as I’m stuck in believing that I don’t deserve it yet. :<
I give up at times, put up emotional walls, fear the worst and don’t expect anything in love or friendship and that’s probably turned many people away.

And then I end up heartbroken, ruminate, overthink and realise what I’ve done out of fear. That my actions are pushing people away 🙁 Feeling somewhat hopeless, tired and apathetic at myself.

I’m noticing that:

• I put my guard up and distance myself to protect myself from getting hurt in a reactionary way.
• Or I get anxious and immediately feel like I have to do the self conserving thing, expecting the worst rejection possible and do silly decisions and mistakes. Even if they are letting me down, in the middle of the anxiety sometimes I forget to give the benefit of the doubt. I need to be more self aware, calm down and just accept things as they are with people. People make mistakes too! I don’t want to make the mistake of hurting people because I assumed the worse case scenario too much out of fear 🙁
• Other times I push through the fears with self awareness and I stay quiet – usually nothing happens for better or worse :’)
• Pretend I’m acting calm and normal…and probably failing at that? Though apparently I am good at masking my tense, nervous mode to most people.
• Or I deal with it and even laugh it away
• Or I attempt to do the polite small talk and feel indifferent, worse or better from doing the scary thing.
• Or get out of the conversation where possible.
• Or I sense them getting uncomfortable and awkward too as they keep looking and facing away during conversation. And they avoid me.
• Or I don’t really want to care and don’t want to give them the time of day anymore. I’m done caring and emotionally investing into someone that isn’t interested or interesting to me. Attempt to cut myself out from the drama in my mind. Why bother wasting anyone’s time?
• Or the other way around, I actually lose interest and I don’t want to talk to someone. Gosh how confusing! :S
• Or just take a chance on a whim and deal with the potential rejection anyway…I hope to get better at this :0

Gosh all the awkwardness! I’m over thinking and being a judgmental, selfish, perfectionist aaaah! My emotional energy!! Leonie, get better at dealing being ghosted or rejected! Be okay with speaking up if necessary too!
You’ll survive! It’s okay! Gosh this is too easy to say but hard to do :0!!

Trying to not take it too personally while also being self aware that feelings are valid! Well…I wrote all this down here at least ;P

That said, I definitely need to work on courage and just focus on what really matters. Connect with people if it happens. I’m getting better at letting the negative thoughts pass and hope the best in people.
Just go with the flow with, learn and enjoy things as they are.I don’t consider myself “nice” as I am definitely selfish.
My energy and stamina for the day is scarce! As you can see from these comics, I do feel terrible and have mixed feelings. I think and consider what people may think, think about my feelings, thoughts and gut feeling, about how much I actually care about it and what’s actually the right thing to do. All these feelings and thoughts I don’t know how to verbalise. I can type about it though. Learning to manage my emotions better :0!!Then I do it if necessary and important to me anyway; distancing myself, declining things, letting people down when I can’t genuinely commit anymore, just do and speak up for what’s right regardless of feeling bad and hurting people’s feelings. Even if people hate me – not that I actively want people to hate me but hey, I don’t control how people think of me. All I can do is be honest, respect myself and others and do my best. :<Sometimes people can be jerks but they’re not ill by nature. It’s hard but I strive to let go, understand and forgive. I can’t forget though if it’s not addressed. At best I’ll be uncomfortable, awkward, distant and/or polite. I consider myself a jerk sometimes when I let my emotions and fears get the better of me. At times I don’t know how I’m expected to respond so I freeze and do nothing :< Gosh what do I know! Humans are complex, imperfect beings!

Oh my weaknesses, flaws and personal fears :<

I am probably a highly sensitive person, something I keep relating to as I read about it: 

• I retreat from the mental fatigue I get from over stimulation,
• I zone out when I get overwhelmed in busy, crowded, intense environments,
• I decline most parties as I can’t deal with too much social interaction and need to protect my mental health,
• have to be selective about who to hang out with as I pick up on the vague energy/vibe/mood of others and I don’t want to absorb negativity, selfishness/stress and emotional states I don’t want…it’s exhausting filtering them. It depends how close you are to me already. I try to not be outwardly stressed/negative in person…but I don’t know how well I do that ;P
• I find ways to avoid social burnout if I can help it…or I push myself too hard ;P
• I get existential with big questions and desire a purpose in life,
• letting go takes lots of time for me to process as I feel things deeply,
• I’m inclined to get flooded/overwhelmed emotionally and mentally,
• Oh I tend to overthink and reflect lots too – look at this blog!
• I crave for deeper, meaningful connections and 1 to 1 interactions with others,
• I tend to hide my emotions and sometimes my needs until I start feeling comfortable to talk about it, else I don’t want to upset, hurt or deal with the other person…avoiding social conflict :S
• Caffeine…doesn’t work for me in the long run – I get energised and much later I crash just from one cup!
• I like observing people while I stumble about when I’m actually part of the conversation,
• Time pressure usually stresses me out,
• Criticism and negativity hits me hard as much as I strive to brush it off,
• I need a slower, simpler pace in life, routine and to adjust to transitions [I don’t often deal with impromptu visits and interactions well…I just keep focused on what I was doing],
• and I need lots of self care, sleep, time to wind down and recovery downtime in quiet solitude.

I’m not 100% good at reading how others are contextually feeling but I notice the vibe and mood. It’s because I tend to overthink it, assume things and go too deep! I’m not that socially aware as I would like :S

Learn how to be a kind, brave jerk, care less what people think, keep acknowledging and managing my feelings and keep doing what I believe in, is what I’m telling myself ;P I need be more aware about my conditioning and have better faith and trust in people.

Speaking up in person is not my habit though…it’s too much effort and emotional labour! I’ll just type it out instead! I mean most people don’t read these so they don’t have to deal with the emotions here ;P

Aye, rambling, living and learning at my turtle pace.
Oh Leonie :’)

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