Hermit Burp Leonie Wrangles Vector Art 3 + Creative Self Care & Compassion [SEP2016]

BirthdayBurpDoodle: Snow time! 

BurpDoodle: Dress ups
Some studies. Admiring expensive dresses :0
One day I’ll be bold & bothered enough to dress up for something special haha

It’s not a new thing. I drew things for primary school classmate(s), my high school teachers & classmates, my mother for mother’s day, even my teaching colleagues I don’t know that well when I left my first teaching job and for most of them I got happy thank yous.  And that makes me happy and warm to the brim. ^o^Hey, my homeroom high school teacher remembers fondly what I wrote for him (and I forgot what I said so I just nodded but felt happy all the same haha)

And I’m definitely sure that closer friends & family have 10000x better meaningful, useful, heart warming or even more expensive presents and physical company than I could give – I’m not trying to make the so called “best gift”. I have given up on that front. With what I do, it’s more of a “I want to say that you’re an awesome person. And here’s a little something with my appreciative thoughts. I hope it makes you smile.”
If not, then here is my terrible attempt to haha

So when I get asked these sorts of questions, I didn’t know how to answer as I didn’t have a (calculated?) “reason”.
Uh wait. Why do I do this? Haven’t thought that far.

Well now I got something to say.
What it all comes down to.

It’s just because I *want* to.

I’m sure you’re asking out of genuine curiosity but I don’t know what motive you’re expecting me to have .____.

Further ramble: I guess people just want to put you in a box – we all do it to some degree :<
And then the second guessing, creative block and self paralysis happens because we feel pressured to have a motive, or a bigger meaning to our actions and feel like we have to have dream goals for everything we do when sometimes…you just want to do what you want to do at our own pace.

I do hope people don’t *demand/pressure* me to do one for them because then I’ll actually have complete interest and intent in doing the opposite.
If I was in the first place…well I’m not interested anymore.
Because that means there’s explicit expectations for me to spend my time and make something. And even some loose form of a design brief. D:

Unless I’m SUPER close with you, it borders on being an art request aka work without pay. Nope.

Additional venting:
And then you hear about this, this and this happening frequently to other artists. 🙁

Arting is how I and many others, earn a living and support ourselves. Just because we enjoy what we do (and tolerate the good, bad and mundane side of it) doesn’t mean we are obligated to anyone to work for free. Or even for the vaguely promised “exposure bucks” or profit share.
Working artists and creative people altogether are small businesses who provide a service. We continually work hard to practice and skill up in finding, developing and evolving our own voice through our projects, jobs and creative explorations. Our time, effort, experience and skills are of value and ultimately it is up to us – not anyone else – to do what we want with our abilities, time and resources whether it be personal work, commercial or educational purposes. Or even helping out a cause or large scale project we truly believe in.

tl;dr: It is not our absolute duty or obligation to serve you with art just because we love what we do. /vent

Not what I’m looking for in terms of vector art halp haha. Why Google! I need to keep reminding myself that I can only trust Google sometimes :’) And click on the global search function (I learned this since posting the screenshot thanks to Retronator).

Summary of my learnings so far…there’s no “secret” but practice & experimentation And the fact that I’m avoiding the pen tool. Even though it’s apparently the king in making vector art >.<;

Self Care & Compassion: Continuing from last blog post…
Since the last post, my ultra adventurous and kind art buddy Kristy, was concerned about my harshness towards myself and so she linked me to this video:

Self Esteem vs Self Compassion Kristin Neff Talk
(Here’s more videos & Kristin has a book published – the book tends to be autobiographical though and there are resources online you can use instead)

And if it helps, here are my notes from the linked video:

• We are not all special and above average
• Feeling that we need to be popular, well liked & attractive to feel good about yourself is not coming from a place of stability
• Embracing yourself – we all have flaws too
• We all have shared human experiences and this is where we connect
• Recognise your own suffering, stress and pain with no judgement
• Stay open to self and be a good friend to yourself with good will
• This is not about suppressing the pain and feelings but embracing it, comforting and caring for it
• Allow yourself to be a slow learner and for slow healing
• Allowing yourself to break away from work and demands – relax by doing everyday normal things – even tea, walking about and rest

My thoughts:
If you’re open to it, let it sit and try it a while and be your own best friend!

It is essentially what I keep reminding myself through these blog posts – but to hear it from other people it reinforces it even more and allows me to see things more objectively than before. (:

I took its self compassion quiz 
…and I got a 3? I thought I would get worse! I guess my blog posts/comics embody my struggle to balance staying real with myself and making sure I feel okay about things and my weaknesses.

Analysis from my end definitely and striving to problem solve while putting my emotions aside.
So from here it’s a lot of remembering and reminding yourself –

“Hey it’s okay to feel sad and hurt – let’s take it easy, let it happen and take time to care of yourself…things will be okay.

Hey. I’ll say it again. Believe in yourself that things will eventually be okay.” 

Overall, emotional pain is so tricky to handle especially when some degree of upbringing, societal & cultural conditioning needs to be unraveled :S Especially for me, I have been/am living with culturally traditional judgmental and critical upbringing – I need to be more self aware and catch myself when I’m doing the harsh self talk to myself.

There is a line between taking responsibility for your life decisions versus trying to control things you have no control over – causing undue stress and decimating your own self worth.

For me, I’m embracing some: Hey! I am terrible at things but I can keep learning & building my self confidence – with balance and progress in mind (:

Practice Self Compassion Tips Video (Kristin Neff)
Here in this video, she talks about being conscious about your self talk and treating yourself kinder.
Even try writing letters to yourself.

Self touch of encouragement, warm hugs & support are a thing. And being there for yourself and soothe yourself. Making sure you’re coming from a place of stability in your self worth. Accept the present and look for the future, open up and trust others :0

And more exercises and meditation audio tracks from her. I have yet to try the audio tracks. But I answer & reflect upon the text based ones as follows:

How would you treat a friend?
If I were to answer, I would just listen and be there with no judgement with what they do and encourage them to express their thoughts.

So with myself, if I was struggling, I would ramble about it with too much analysis! Probably with a problem solving/analysing mindset.

It usually ends with “oh let’s just let it out, then embrace it, reframe it and move on”.

Perhaps that’s already evident from my blog posts haha

Criticised, critical and compassionate roles
When I feel criticised:
I am discouraged, sad, scared, helpless and hurt and feeling unsupported. Defensive and annoyed sometimes.
Like I’m being singled out. Feeling like I’m to blame for everything at worst.

When I’m being the harsh self critic:
I become rigid, angry, worried, exasperated – as if I was doing nothing that I feel I “should” change but then I don’t act like it.
Who are the harsh, cold and angry people of my past? Well sometimes my headstrong mother (matriarchy?) but mostly my cursing-a-lot dad – always critical, blaming and judgmental of me even now.

When I focus on being a compassionate observer to myself:
I understand that I am hurting and like anybody else I just want to be accepted for who I am. Strive to soften that critic and stay warm, balanced, relaxed, open and embrace the sense of inner peace.
Which is what I sort of did last blog post…it’s a lot of rambling!

Ultimately this exercise in summary is about being patient, strong, forgiving, learning to accept the self, provide kindness that you need, remind yourself that you’re not alone, be aware that this is stress/hurting/suffering and that we all struggle in our lives. Things will be okay.

Life will not be over.
There is still hope and wondrous things ahead of you.

Believe in yourself that things will be okay.
*repetitive wavy hands*

Write out what makes you feel inadequate & not good enough, face your critical self, do some journal writing & using kinder ways to motivate self 
I already did that – see my previous blog post! :0

Though the journal thing…I can’t commit to on a daily basis.
I don’t want to reflect and analyse my life that often.
It might not work out for me but perhaps it’s useful to you!

The next step here was write out what your imaginary best friend will say to you and keep reflecting and reframing what bad things that have happened to you in a more positive light (I kind of do that too but here’s my repetitive additions to myself for this month):

You are human! You have strengths and weaknesses. 

Embrace yourself with acceptance, kindness, care for health and happiness.

Talk about it and stay real with yourself. Stay mindful, kind, patient, accepting, non judgmental and aware of your painful emotions and insecurities caused by your self judgement and difficult circumstances.

I know you’re worried and afraid but you’re causing pain. Sure you ate a lot of junk food because you need to cheer yourself up from feeling stressed and sad. It might not be the best way to deal with it but it’s okay. You need nourishment! Spoiling yourself occasionally is much needed for self care! 

Take a while to rest up. You got sick – there’s nothing you can do about it but get better as best you can.

But do not ponder over things that are out of your control with your family history, upbringing and life circumstances. It’s not the end of the world if things don’t go as planned. Sure other people are doing beautiful and amazing things. But don’t compare yourself to them. They’re doing what they do best. You do you. Take things at your own pace and celebrate your progress along the way 😀

You are doing well and remember to encourage yourself with love than out of fear! Do not be tempted by the easy route of acting out of fear! Learn to walk with your fears hand in hand and grow slowly to act out of love when you’re ready ^o^

Okay and then I looked into a range of other talks and here are my notes and thoughts! 😀

School of Life Video on Self Compassion 
This is an animated take on what Self Compassion is 😀
Do check out the rest of this YouTube Channel, it’s pretty neat! I came across this thanks to a colleague.

Not get stuck in the negatives (Alison Ledgerwood)

We all tend to get hung over the one negative thing/comment/event despite the many good things in our lives. Or it can be deeper than that from the past burdens of your upbringing, cultural and societal conditioning and your experiences. It’s a part of you and who you are and it’s up to you to put it into perspective.

What I got from this talk is to remember to talk about the good things you’re grateful for during a given day. Not dwell, complain and rant too long on what went wrong with things out of your control. :0 It’s a variation of the gratitude journal!

Hm for me personally, it might seem like I dwell too long on things I struggle with but this blog is really my outlet to express all the things good, bad and neutral – it helps me articulate my feelings. I usually try to end with a positive note or leave myself room and time to move on and maybe revisit it later. (:

Be free of Self-Importance Talk (Polly Young-Eisendrath)
My notes:

• How we tend to focus on the self too much to the point of not liking yourself, we always come up lacking and believing that we have to have “complete” control over our own lives.
• If you are content and possess the “state of happiness” as she calls it – things are happening to you and you have no desire to be something else. Embrace how things are.
• We are terribly self conscious, feeling inferior/superior in relation with others – this is the root of the development of the ego
• The following are self conscious ways to motivate ourselves to manage everything:
  • from shame (hide/lie),
  • from guilt (fixing mistakes & due to self imposed responsibility),
  • from envy (destroy/attack/diminish others because you lack it)
  • and jealousy (competing & trying to get what others have because you feel you can get it).
  • Pride, embarrassment and self pity are others
• How to live in the moment – to experiment!
• Know that you are tiny and the world is boundless – and feel and sense the present – colours, texture and the air of the world
• Spend a couple of days without mirrors and looking at yourself. Don’t focus on yourself every once in a while.
• Be engaged with immediate world and environment physically

My thoughts:
Oh I don’t really look at the mirror much aside from washing my sleepy face in the morning haha

On a serious note, I definitely have a mix of jealousy, guilt, embarrassment with a touch of pride when it comes to quality/standards at being an artist and person. When other people are doing so well, I feel like I’m not working hard/efficient/good enough to do as well or as popular as they do.

“What is my potential anymore?!” kind of thing. I’m just a nobody! ToT

Ultimately these feelings provide short bursts of motivation and fuel to get going on my own thing but it can lead to me being terribly harsh and self depreciating towards myself. Kind of “hurt myself before someone else can!” Potentially self destructive if I don’t nip it in the bud. :0

This talk made me more aware about how we motivate ourselves in arguably negative ways (especially if you’re not fully aware about them to the point that it gets out of hand)!

That said, I definitely believe that my biggest motivating force is not the above.

I’m more motivated when I can learn and do something meaningful and fun to me especially within an environment where we all know what our roles, boundaries, desires, needs and circles of influence are in pushing and supporting ourselves as a whole. Established expectations and knowing that people will be there for each other and help each other out when things go well or bad makes a huge difference.

Feeling that people care for you (and likewise you for them) is my ideal environment to reside in! 😀

Embracing your current state of being, how you motivate yourself in relation to others, being present and grateful is what I got out of this talk.

Being yourself and knowing yourself Talk (Caroline McHugh)
My Notes:

• Think about yourself less
• The previous point is not about belittling yourself
• Be good at being yourself – what does this even mean? Who do you think you are? How are you acting presently?
• When you get older, you don’t care and are less compromising and become authentic and more adaptable
• Most people feel a degree of superiority (so others around you need to be smaller than you) or inferiority (fear of getting found out that you’re not good enough compared to others)
• “interiority” involves no competition at all here
• “Every one has their own magic.” We own our own thing and strength! Someone cannot compare to you and you cannot compare to them.
• Four levels of self:
  • Perception – what others think of you – the need to be liked/recognition/approval (happens to non-males more) and mistaking that for your own. Strive to be perception free
  • Persona – what you’d like others to think of you – possibilities and potential. This is your adaptable personality that keeps changing :0
  • Ego – what you think of yourself. You feel the best, joyful and very self congratulatory. Or you feel like nothing. One needs to pull it back with balance between the two on a spectrum so it’s useful and helpful to you.
  • Self – this is just you. You feel things and think of things.
• Disregard your worries about being the centre of attention. No one cares if you’re the centre attention or not – your job is to make them happy. They’re the centre of your attention instead.
• You’re not who you feel, or who you love/are loved by, you’re not what you do or have, you are not your possessions, occupation, friendships or influence.
• Believe in: “I’m possible” and become a verb – you can.
• Be the best self you can. Your life is your message to the world. :0

With Perception for me: 
There’s always a degree of care with what others think, especially people you care about! It’s human! I guess a deeper level is to do what you believe in, disregard the rest and consequently believe that the people around you will have your back, just like you would for them.

The saying that you should surround yourself with people that support you – not people who are indifferent or are bringing you down. (:

And there’s also the “before I should care too much with what others think, I need to spend considerable time in person for me to get to know, trust, talk to, depend on and admire someone else”. Arguably common sense if we’re aiming for a mutual connection.

With Persona for me:
Um…that I can learn about and do art for people and for myself? :S
That I’m not unfriendly even though I’m a quiet, introverted hermit butt who is selective with whom I spend time on and with?

“Striving to learn to be a better person with people and as an artist” is what I hope people will think of me as :0

With Ego for me:
I assume the worst and/or nothing. And that I can’t connect with many people over the long term due to my introverted habits. I am learning to embrace this – have low expectations but work to the best of my ability and my own pace. At the least I am confident in my doing the best I can (:

With Self for me:
Hullo I’m just a person. haha

With being the centre of attention:
Out of my comfort zone! I stay out of it when put on the spot! I tend to do better if I plan for it and with notice.

It feels incredibly heart warming to feel included and feeling like I have something to give that’s bigger than myself. So that means it goes back to the same thing I said last time – what can I provide that’s of value so I can just focus on that?? haha

What do I know – it all comes down to comfort zone pushing D:

My Thoughts
For me it’s always going to be…what *is* my own magic. D:

I probably don’t have anything *special* (what does that even mean? It’s a moving target!) but hey I’m just going to keep trying and learning! 😀

Whelp eternal exploration is required for that!

The meaning of living – Jim Carrey 
This is an excerpt of one of his talks on Living out of Fear versus living out of Love. This is the choice you make to find your own way to bring something to the world that’s bigger than yourself.

A great reminder that money, influence, popularity and fame alone do not fulfill you. If you had these things…what now? What is your purpose now?
What will you do then? Why can’t you do this now instead?
This is arguably where real “living” begins.

Focusing on Positivity
Here’s another motivational talk to not listen to your lizard brain/demon/negative self talk/fears and focus on the positivity in your life.

Comics I relate to
Kim showed me this comic that I relate to ;____;

It’s hard to get out of your own head!! Trying to focus on being “entertaining company” usually fails because…that’s not me .___.

I’m just the quiet follower. Or I used to. It depends on the company.
Now I just head off, float about and do my own thing. I get my energy drained anyway – whether I actively try to mingle or just passively see who I recognise haha. Aye introvert things.

Plus all the ultra cool owlturd comics thanks to another fb peep linking it to me – on introverting, on friendships and on rejection.
SO GOOD & relatable.