Hermit Dragon Leonie sitting in the clouds and standing on rainbow water

Playing around with cloud material!! 😀

Reminder that eventually when this series is fully done there will be a youtube video I made when I finished it :0

Leonie rambles about…

Whoa slowly reached 200+ followers!! Thank you & hello! 😭💕 Note I'm kind of connecting with gamedev/industry peeps back @ LinkedIn instead – I don't want to follow hundreds of peeps + dread & feel overwhelmed checking my feeds here 😥 I don't know that many peeps :') Still happy talk about things 😊

[image or embed]

— Leonie Yue (@leonieyue.bsky.social) November 12, 2024 at 11:14 AM

I also curate & clean who I follow too to keep it low & manageable. And over time we don't talk, interact or enjoy each other's posts & we change so please don't take it personally :') A passive LinkedIn connection or saying hello/chat sometimes is fine too! No expectations/pressure to follow me :0

— Leonie Yue (@leonieyue.bsky.social) November 12, 2024 at 12:05 PM

I may be overthinking but I’ve been there where my rejection sensitivity is strong and needs to be managed.

So I just wanted to be transparent here as well, put more boundaries (I have been slightly less strict with early bluesky follows while figuring it out) and remind peeps and myself how I use bluesky and my boundaries. I don’t do follow for follow as that’s a lot and makes me feel like it’s a passive transactional, networking, not genuine thing…I have that with LinkedIn already. Also I don’t check LinkedIn much as I just cross post there ;P

Though I don’t know if people will see the above posts if they followed because of a gamedev list :S

I just want to enjoy checking my bluesky feed without stress, with people who still interact with me and keeping with my interests :0 Plus people including myself – change their minds and don’t want to be mutuals anymore for one reason or more. As I mentioned last time, there are many mutuals who don’t want to be mutuals on Bluesky yet I also have new mutuals that weren’t originally on twitter :0

(oof I am a hermit who reflects a lot about social media again wah)

I learned of Clearsky – you can check who you’ve been blocked by and what lists you’re on :0 Turns out two 2 accounts I don’t know blocked me (one from March and another last month) and I’m on 4 feed lists? Thank you for the latter! :0

The only private thing is muting so it won’t be the full picture on who muted/blocked me – and it’s probably better that way for my mental health.

Just made WIP personal artist lists so I can check it as an organised feed, manage art/inspo overwhelm, get to know artists & not have to follow! My artists doing cute art feed: bsky.app/profile/did:… An inspirational art feed too bsky.app/profile/did:… If I follow you, you won't be there ;D

[image or embed]

— Leonie Yue (@leonieyue.bsky.social) November 14, 2024 at 12:31 PM

Ah to clarify: artists I do follow aren't here because I'm keeping them separate; these lists are my bonus, organised feeds for artists I don't follow :0 I may not follow many but all the same I will like art/posts I enjoy :D!

— Leonie Yue (@leonieyue.bsky.social) November 14, 2024 at 1:04 PM

(Also I don’t have to stress about including artists I already follow since these lists aren’t private ;P )

So in addition to turning off reposts from my feeds, now I have lists! I got tired of waiting forever for private lists on Bluesky so I settled for public lists that excluded artists I already follow. This is so that if/when I’m in a horrible mental state, I won’t scroll through wonderful art posts and feeling guilty, envious and horrible about myself and art. At least not as much sadness, stress and doubt with art and inspiration overwhelm :’)

It’s a way for me to control/manage how I consume art.

Also all of these artists at my lists won’t ever follow or know about me, or know I added them to my lists (it’s not a starter pack either) and I don’t know these artists that well either beyond what they post. So I don’t think they’d mind if I’m not technically following them!! I am doing it my way through my lists when I feel up to it and liking their art and posts!! Haha And I’m not putting them on a pedestal by having them as bonus inspiration feeds I check sometimes.

Not sure if anyone find the art I like interesting…but well it’s public! It’s fun adding and collecting artists to lists!!

Also it highlights how much curation I need/want! I want to be able to follow who I really want to follow and everything else is a bonus. Times get busy, I just want to check the minimum (always wished I had more time because I get carried away). And sometimes I’m in a depressed, tired headspace and I would need to limit what I consume for my mental health :0

Avoid Toxic Relationships By Setting These 5 Non-Negotiable Self-Boundaries (Heidi Preibe)

Hey I want to apply this with good friends at least and to know what I can do better on my end

• someone’s summary from the video on self boundaries:
  • 1. Respect for personal space: Ensuring that your need for physical and emotional space is honoured.
  • 2. Emotional honesty: Being truthful about your feelings and expecting the same from others.
  • 3. Time management: Prioritizing your time and not allowing others to monopolize it.
  • 4. Self-care: Making your well-being a priority and not compromising it for others.
  • 5. Mutual respect: Expecting and giving respect in all interactions.
• more of my notes as I want to process it better:
• don’t be around people you look down on or you look up to
  • dynamics are draining either way
• I think I’m both anxious and avoidant but mainly avoidant oof
  • I do need emotional reassurance too…
  • while I strive to manage my own emotional regulation
  • strive to not react badly
  • I’m not great at communicating feelings after I’ve sorted my emotions with people I don’t know well/trust
• I do agree that if there’s disrespect / dissatisfaction going on with both sides, it doesn’t cancel out and resentment just grows
  • I’ve had to cut/move on because I was obsessing over too much over what someone doesn’t want to do, who’s not interested/keen on meeting in the middle with me, who avoids questions without acknowledgement and yet I don’t want to change them nor give them too many chances either
  • I’m tired of feeling like I’m chasing/hoping for things I can’t control
  • holding each other accountable is quite an ideal to strive for
    • how much grace you give to someone who’s flakey?
    • Or keeps things vague?
    • Or just procrastinates their replies as long as possible to the point of losing hope, frustration, anxiety, jadedness, insecurity and/or hurt?
    • Or also doesn’t speak up their true feelings and stays too positive? Avoids difficult topics?
  • I do get more emotionally confrontational and honest if I am close to someone with trust and safety built up
  • being mindful that I don’t emotionally dump on someone…at least give each other the heads up
    • I forget sometimes as I get caught up with my feelings first
• my thoughts with 1) get needs met without manipulation / adults are not powerless
  • avoid being more emotionally intense, lashing out
    • this happens when emotions get too strong
    • get own needs met first – can’t blame/lash out others for your emotions
  • versus detaching self / avoidant
    • where you’re shutting down during vulnerable moments
    • believing people are responsible for their meeting their own needs
    • I think I’m more this where I freeze and slow down
    • I don’t know how to handle it with someone else’s emotional state and during vulnerable moments
      • I freeze up and go silent as I don’t know :<
    • I do get overwhelmed and tense and not sure how to help :S
    • I focus a lot on self regulation as that’s all I can control
    • I do try to ask if they need to talk about their feelings more
    • be able to be in tune with other’s feelings and not shutdown and dissociate either (me)
  • need be self aware of these subconscious things
  • honesty and directness about what you’re willing to do to meet needs
  • you can’t force someone to meet your needs
  • it’s more about consent and not forcing it, not a demand, not out of coercion
    • from this, decide if you should distance yourself and move on from them
    • or accept and focus on other ways to get needs met
  • I do feel disgust when someone’s trying to manipulate/control me
• 2) it’s more about emotional honesty and hope they do the same
  • enjoy meeting each other’s needs when you’re close to someone
  • it’s a privilege to just share life things together, give/receive and like each other
  • shared ways to express love and care with each other :0!!
  • both need to compromise, make time/effort and meet each other’s needs to make closeness happen
  • accept that others have their own emotional needs and vulnerabilities too
  • growth together
  • it’s not joy when it feels like pulling teeth and they’re not interacting as well as the past/the initial stages
    • their priorities and feelings changed
• 3) good faith
  • special someone as your intellectual, moral, emotional equal
  • not someone you secretly look down on and not someone you put on a pedestal
    • oof I think I have been moving on from people fitting in either of these
  • mutual respect and self respect is important
  • actually be seen as equals…then it’s secure as a relationship
    • get challenged and not feel offensive/repulsed by it
  • wow I don’t know what I am as I’m flawed too
    • there are people who hate how I’m a hermit by not interacting anymore since I can’t regularly and sustainably do activities they enjoy…
  • self soothe and feel protected
  • though if someone keeps talking and focused about other people they fancy and is a self centred player I just lose respect and feel disgusted
• 4) self care / speak up for own needs and not allow self be resentful
  • expectations not met need to be discussed and not let it fester
  • the “Hey I want to bring this up and I’m feeling resentful and frustrated about it. Can we talk about it to approach this differently so I can still be grateful you’re in my life”
    • and let them know that you’re feeling “angry/sad/hurt/etc” and that you want to process it together
    • I may have done this but it’s rare and not out of awareness – something to learn
  • focus on fixing it to make sure people’s needs are met
  • I’ve done this before with best buddy but not other people that I’m not confident about…
  • tune into feelings and communicate it
    • not chase people who don’t want to meet needs
    • give opportunity to respond to needs/frustration with honesty with fairness and neutrality
  • I need to work on this better…though I have brought it up but it just gets forgotten again
    • then just decided to move on on my own
    • …it was emotionally affecting me with anxiety
    • I sensed they were already losing interest/not keen anymore given how they went along with it
• 5) mutual respect / standards on how you treat others and how you treat yourself – regardless how you are treated
  • it’s not worth going down to their level and lose self respect
  • strive not be in abusive situations (whelp)
  • when aware of it – manipulation and disrespect is exhausting, frustrating and not great
  • well I had to cut myself from people who were “playing/flirting” around to protect myself and my emotions and time
  • I want to be around people who I can rely on, trust and would be honest ;P
• The “Ick”: Why Sudden Disgust Comes Online In Relationships & What We Can Do About It (Heidi Preibe)
  • Yeah I need to be better at communicating how I’m really feeling when I have processed it better and actually bring it up with people…sometimes people have assumed I’m fine when I’m not :’)
    • though will I have the space to speak my truth? My feelings?
    • Why? To grow and move forward?
    • Are we even on the same page with trust and respect?
    • Can we talk about feelings, pressures and figuring it out?
    • sometimes I’m just not aware,
    • or just not sure,
    • or just emotionally tired,
    • or just am used to not being heard/remembered/considered :S
  • the idealised fantasy of someone collapses and the icky feelings don’t go away
    • you’re not able to get past this and process the the fear, repulsion, stress, guilt, emotions, trauma, issues
    • and if we can’t grow and overcome it…don’t force things
  • yeah I think I’ve been avoiding dating all my life but that’s because
    • I’m ace & demiromantic (or I’d rather have the fantastical romance in my mind?? I don’t know),
    • it’s more convenient as a lifestyle
    • I am tired of misogyny/racism/transphobia/discrimination
      • (systemically, in general and in my life; people trying to control others)
      • it’s disappointing; people have many public/private faces or personas and you’re never sure
    • tired of just tolerating things, being on stressful alert just to survive / not be in danger
      • the emotional labour you’d have to do in fear of being harmed and to keep safe is another thing
      • can you reject someone safely? Can you say the truth without the risk of danger/etc?
      • or I just don’t have the emotional energy to keep speaking/fighting back when it’s just going in vicious circles
    • I’m already scared and stressed with the idea of dating anyway
      • it’s a lot of pressure depending on the person
      • I should be focusing on friendships
    • just stressful; just focusing on my own stuff is already a lot
      • I can’t be that ideal partner who has the energy to get along with everyone for long periods of time (and all the other things when being involved in someone else’s life and world)
    • definitely out of my comfort zone
    • someone I like would actually like me back?? Nah they’d know the real me, reject and move on
    • I’m not smart so I don’t want to be taken advantage of…and so I end up super guarded
  • I want to be safe, respected and have rights/agency too
  • I support women, trans/non binary peeps & people with diverse/fluid genders to protect ourselves from violence/abuse/harassment/crimes/etc,
    • to support each other,
    • live with each other platonically (having each other’s back with finances, friendship and life)
    • enjoy, live for ourselves,
    • strive for careers/adventures you’d want
    • and how we want to present ourselves – not always focused on impressing others
  • life we want…well I’m not there personally as there’s always something I lack but I can hope :<
  • taking it slow
  • some commenters mention – focus on local community efforts you believe in
    • offer new perspectives as a positive influence for those not fully aware
    • self care
    • you can’t control things happening beyond yourself
  • support network of friends is important for everyone
    • not easy though…
• well all I can do is keep on juggling with life things :’)

Hermit Leonie walks around in the city & takes 2 days to recover

Still I am happy I had a low key catch up and did a great walk with my friend as it’s not a regular thing <3 <3 <3

Yes we both had face masks on and I’m grateful my friend was super considerate of me <3

It’s so busy at the station :0

I was testing the zoom on my camera and it’s kind of okay :0
It does look a bit like a photo that’s actually lower res but it’s overcompensating for it :S

During my friend catch up and big walk, we saw a kookaburra!! It’s just being chill 😀
I didn’t take other photos during the actual nature walk because we’re walking and chatting under the sun with sun protection ;P

I noticed these flowers so I assume they’re decorations for Christmas??

• got treated to bubble tea at a new/unknown place
  • but unfortunately it’s neither committing to being just bitter good tea or being a sweet tea
  • it’s a mix of barely sweet and very watered down bitter tea
  • it ended up being a 5/10 but it did help with the need for hydration (the ice)
  • I do like the taro jelly!
• actually went into the city
  • it was a wonderful 1hr 40 minute catch up and walk with my friend
  • but it’s 6 hours overall due to public transport and 2 taxis failing/ditching me
  • if I ever go out, I accept it just takes a lot of time even if the real thing is under 2 hours :’D
  • and I was sleepy by the end of it unsurprisingly haha
  • the day after I was just drained and it became my recovery day
  • the day after that I was kind of half back/functional
• if it was a full time week of outings, I still won’t be fully recovered from going outside from 2 weekend days :’)
  • I probably need 6-7 days to recover…
  • this is based on past experience when I was barely functioning and a low energy zombie working full time…
    • I forced myself coffee and it helps for a while until I crash
    • I felt worse, get headaches, get overstimulated, can’t always get quiet time away from people
    • always tense and stressed out, didn’t have much time for my body and mind to calm down and decompress
    • it doesn’t help in the long run
  • it takes a mental/emotional toll on me more
  • my hand/s end up worse from eczema
• I freeze up and go quiet when I’m drained out of social energy after 1-2 hours
  • though note I’m already taking 1.5 – 2 hours to get there already so I’m already slightly pooped before the social shenanigans haha
• the physical side – I get exercise outside instead haha
• yeah one outing a week is roughly all I can do…if I have to that is :’)
  • I’d rather not
  • if I must, do it 1-3 times a month ;P
  • yes I am really a hermit
  • but I strive to make the most of the outing given that it takes me the whole day anyway and it takes over a day or so to recover!!
  • on the other hand I don’t want to be a boring zombie because I drained my social, mental and emotional energy into the negatives…I really need quiet breaks during the outing to break it up and help me to survive longer

Waiting for a new ergonomic keyboard in a few months?

I had to get a new keyboard because my previous old split tented keyboard (Kinesis Freestyle 2) has 3 keys not working when pressed (until I keep stabbing at the key) and another keycap won’t stick back on as the notches broke so it’s stuck on by glue tack.

Originally it was just the one key so I went to clean it for once in hopes that it’ll be fixed. I pulled keycaps out to clean, after many years of use. Cleaned the gunk with a brush and compressed air.

Then 2 or so more keys don’t work now. This keyboard couldn’t stand getting its key caps pulled??? A lot of the keycaps had to suddenly shoot out…whoops. Am I not allowed to take it’s keycaps off? I broke it when trying to clean it properly???

So I took another step with ergonomic keyboards and am getting the Dygma Raise 2. I got myself something expensive that actually has switch keys, swappable key caps, colour coded lighting for the mapping, now I can have non-black colours and layered key mapping. And the tenting is not capped at 15 degrees but up to 60 degrees. I have to get used to layered keymapping though. It’s a new keyboard so there’s not much reviews but it is an iteration of the first version. And no numpad again…I don’t use it anyway.

I don’t have all the extras since I don’t need them and it gets even more expensive!! I’m not trying to collect switches and keycaps as a hobby!! It’s expensive eep!! I am not part of the “collecting keyboards”, “soldering” and/or “keycaps/switches” club as cool it may be haha

It’s not cheap in AUD but I will see this as an investment. I would have gotten another Kinesis Freestyle 2 again since it’s relatively cheaper (still expensive) but realising that I can’t pull keycaps to clean the keyboard without the fear of making it worse again – I should upgrade to something better in the long run.

Yep stingy Leonie continues…I save and strive to only spend if it’s worth it / necessary :< And eat cheap food at times to compensate as I am a part timer haha…

I still have ongoing my vertical mouse issue where it lets go of my dragging (when I didn’t) as I’m clicking and dragging…but I just tolerate it as it’s not a regular hindrance 🙁

Anyhoo I hope this keyboard is good! Pleaseeee!! It’s a new experience for me getting an actual fancy keyboard :’D

Also my Hikikomori score is 59 so I’m at risk and probably am (still) one :0

And kind of in limbo with some things and feeling anxious about it. Keeping myself busy though :’)

---