๐Ÿ“œ๐Ÿ‰Happy Lunar New Year of the Dragon 2024 with Rejuvenation God Yomigami / ่˜‡็ฅž & baby seahorses!๐Ÿ”ฎ๐Ÿฎ [ๅคง็ฅž / ลŒkami Lunar New Year Project]

Subtitled art process timelapse video! There’ll be a short too!

Thank you for sticking around for my art shenanigans! ๐Ÿ˜€

Yeah I’m going back to subtitled youtube videos (I can’t go back to timelapses on their own for youtube videos) – figuring out what works and doesn’t for me :’)

I’m not sure if I’ll do shorts (often) as well but perhaps I’ll do it randomly if I think I can reach more people :S

As always your feedback is welcome!

a while ago on my Youtube community tab

Yes I decided to go back to subtitles because I actually get to ramble along the way as my art process plays while here I don’t remember as much and have less to ramble about :’)

Timelapses on their own can be great but not what most people would stick around for – doesn’t feel substantial enough for people to follow my journey.

People need more commentary to connect with you on the internet (usually voiced videos/streams). And this little blog alone isn’t enough(??) in terms of reach since I’m more writing for myself here + also for anyone keeping tabs on my journey. My number of newsletter peeps remain under 8-9 peeps + my tiny discord has about 10 peeps – thank you for that if you’re one of them!

I’ll just have to make less rambly blog posts…if I can reign myself in haha

Yomigami and the 10 seahorses!

There’s 10 baby dragons/seahorses because this is my 10th year of doing this Okami project!!

Ah the first Brush god you meet in the game!

Just note that I plan to draw more fanart of dragons since it’s my year of the dragon!

Watch out for dragon fanart this year! ;D

I’m only doing dragons I want and will take my time – I have plans on what dragons I want to do but I don’t know if I have time to execute them all…I hope they don’t bleed into next year! :0

Leonie rambles about…

  • What a scary, depressing and anxious year so far with so much layoffs and terrible happenings
    • lots of negative news with the world, the industry, layoffs/closures, problematic famous people and the issues artists are facing but I’m not comfortable nor I have the emotional capacity to discuss it
    • all one can do is to hold onto hope and do the best we can in the things we believe in and have control over
  • Pretending Covid is over is hurting us all (Bryony Claire) and the video comments about people getting disabled, family/friends betraying them and spreading it to them and suffering from covid/long covid
    • yeah I’m going to keep masking – I don’t trust most people to care enough to do preventative things (people also slack off and/or forget)
    • it seems like people get sick and spread it when people get in your personal space at events and gatherings – gah I’m anxious!
    • I already have autism (and chronic pains and other things) as it is, I don’t want to risk more health troubles, potential organ damages, brain fogginess and suffering to compound my situation :S
    • people say you need great ventilation indoors, stay outdoors with events, stay masked with the more pricey masks to face the new variants
    • in the past I wear a layered cloth mask on top of a surgical mask for social things, surgical masks for quick outings but might use better masks for scary, crowded social events
    • not that I’ll be going to GCAP this year – I don’t feel inclined as I felt like I met my quota last year and a lot of people didn’t turn up for GCAP but more at the other MIGW activities anyway
      • I might consider a day time thing outside of GCAP but ehhhh I don’t want to go if I don’t know any mutuals I want to catch up with – and last year no mutuals reached out so I don’t expect anything different this year
  • How can you tell when you’re beginning to trust yourself more? (Thought Spot)
    • that’s a lot of my high school / university days where I stressed about my adult future, how it felt hopeless for me and didn’t belong anywhere for long
      • I was conditioned to believe it was not possible and it’ll be difficult for me to do what I’m interested in so I should settle with “stability” instead
        • (and found myself faking, forcing and pretending I wanted to do high school teaching but I’ve blogged about it years ago so look for those posts instead if you’re curious)
      • I felt/feel anxious about surviving on my own – do I trust myself to figure it out??
      • given how competitive job hunting is and how much you have to people please, mask and mould yourself to fit into what you think they expect from you – I know I can’t sustain this in the long run, I’ve been there, burnt out and lost myself from making too many compromises, “faking it until I make it” and ignoring my limits
      • yes definitely been conditioned to not trust myself because I’m different, weird and my perspective and boundaries aren’t valued, considered and/or ascertained for myself
    • I’m also not keen to act and talk like nothing happened when something is not resolved (the mixed, resentful feelings will still remain)
      • I do act like nothing happened in a professional context but the trust is gone or not as strong depending on the severity of the conflict/disagreement
        • time will heal if it wasn’t a huge issue though
        • or not if the negative behaviour continues and becomes a pattern
      • or I just give space and avoid them
      • or just move on if it’s not worth nor big enough to be stubborn about
      • I do eventually talk it out for close connections though
      • for small, “petty” things I need to learn patience and not let my reactionary feelings get the better of me (which is easier said than done when the small things add up to something I don’t want to tolerate and can’t give the benefit of the doubt anymore)
    • definitely hard to let go of the anxiety and countless scary possibilities and letting the future version of you to deal with whatever happens then
  • learning that autistic peeps like me having bruxism is a thing too because we’re stressed out and anxious for long periods of time
    • it started from working at an open office environment in my previous studio job so here I am, a hermit working remotely striving to keep things low stress and low stimulation :’)
  • How some people seem to bounce back from stress | The science of resilience (Psychology with Dr Ana)
    • I don’t know about the sauna/cold bath thing – not that I have access to saunas
    • I don’t know if I can get to this level of detachment
    • but yeah there’s some ways listed in the video to work on your resilience!
  • third places, stanley cup mania, and the epidemic of loneliness (Mina Le)
    • I’m a hermit so I can’t say much on the third places thing
    • having a third place online is limiting indeed (discord?) – it’s hard and friendships are hard
    • favours – definitely things have become transactional with connections
      • then again I don’t have close enough friendships to be willing to compromise to help someone unless they’re actively part of my life and it’s emotionally mutual
      • or I really like them or want to help and don’t mind if it’s one sided…? (rare)
    • Active, Dormant and Commemorative friendships – hm I have people somewhere in between
    • ghosting is bad on the receiver – yeah agreed
      • when confronted I do answer the best I can why and what I’m comfortable with and people ghost me back in response – I guess there’s nothing left to say
        • or they aren’t on the same page
        • or I’m too honest?
      • I can speculate into the void but closure is not to be expected when honest communication and confrontation with emotional intelligence/maturity is difficult for everyone
      • I don’t ghost if I feel like it’s a genuine person reaching out and asking (and that they don’t have ulterior motives, not creeping on me or trying to guilt trip me)
      • I do ghost if
        • I feel like it’s a scam or if it’s a stranger I don’t even know nor heard about (like LinkedIn recruiters and job hunters)
          • I don’t want to add people I don’t know but good luck with your journey!
        • or I really don’t have anything to add or say anymore – it’s time to move on :’)
          • lost interest, conversation died out, am too busy, not in the headspace, etc
        • or I really need to distance myself for my emotional wellbeing when I’m not feeling safe, comfortable, interested, great, secure and/or trusting with them
        • or I just don’t feel like it’s worth my time because I feel like I’m being used/pressured/obligated into something
        • or I’m not interested in their online persona / what they post about
      • people have ghosted me too and it does add fuel to my rejection sensitivity
        • it does hurt because they drew the line on not wanting friendship and/or more and most dance around the unspoken feelings, indifference and thoughts
        • I do get petty when I notice when people have drawn the line
          • it seemed “fine” before it happened and makes me doubt whether the friendly conversations were just politeness and understandably a mask/performance
        • or they just don’t make any effort, attention, time for you
          • (and may say nothing or even polite things and white lies to cover it up)
        • or they just forget about you, won’t get back to you and/or have no capacity for you
          • and that is an answer/response in itself as much as it hurts
          • actions speak louder than words as they say
      • but hey things don’t work out and one can accept and process feelings, learn, grow and focus on things that they can control :’)
      • striving to not stress about people who don’t care you as much as you do about them
    • I hope there are people who will make the effort for you and who you would make the effort for them too (mutual trust, connection, respect, communication and all that)
    • my boundaries is no impromptu visits or calls!!
      • It stresses me out! I’d rather typed messages and emails and I’ll get to it when ready
      • I don’t answer calls I don’t know either (and too many telemarketers…)
      • I’m not keen on people putting me on the spot, expecting responses, being entitled to me, expecting me to do what they want me to do and wanting me to be available immediately/all the time

Digressing! I have a new footer below (it’s the same but in image form)!

After all this time I finally sort out a template for my blog posts too haha

And last week I got scary, dense, red broken vessels over both my arms due to blood tests failing to draw blood from my dehydrated arms (it was impromptu so I didn’t do the 1L water drinking preparation prior)! It ached and I didn’t feel great knowing that I have to attempt another blood test (and other tests) later this year. I regret and resent myself attempting the blood test when my veins are bad and thin. My arms hurt and were more weak too since I don’t want to make it worse handing heavy things. Oof. I took it easy – still waiting for my arms to heal after several days.

The things you do to monitor your health :’)

I’m feeling happy that my youtube is sorted into playlists better and I got a few random subscribers? Twitter I don’t care to post everything there anymore (just the preview art because my Elise fanart somehow got attention), instagram I’ve given up on reels, the blog email newsletter will now update on Thursdays (to see if it works better) and I’m using preview art at my blog too!

Again this is another job in itself (with lots of trial and error) and there’s still more art, learning and life to juggle. I’ve seen a bunch of “why these big youtubers/streamers retire/quit from what they’re known for” and it reminds me to not end up doing something I am not excited about (like streaming as a regular thing) and burning out from it :’)

I do feel like I’m juggling a lot of things but I strive to focus more on what I’m interested in. Again streaming is out of my comfort zone and stresses me out from all the performance anxiety. It might be a weakness to work on one day. I hope to do a random no mic stream to start and I won’t make it a regular thing if it doesn’t feel good for me.

Anyhoo work so far is already intense & busy this year! So much to do! Somewhat stressed out!! As usual I’m just taking things by stride and slowly as I juggle all the things I need and want to do ahhhhh :0!!

Here we go, another busy handful of months!! :’)