Subtitled art process ramble and timelapse!

For some reason I decided to do fully illustrated basic 2 frame animation :’)

Princess Peach’s special Triple move!

It’s a new thing to the remake! Maybe it has a more accurate name I’m not aware about!

I didn’t bother nor have the time depicting two other party members ;P

Leonie Rambles about…

Live Action film for the Legend of Zelda – development started

• I wanted a Ghibli 2D animated film…
• I’d even take a 3D animated one!
• I don’t want to get my hopes too high
• well at least it’s not Illumination studios since Zelda is more somber in tone
• Ocarina of Time would be safest, easiest and top choice
• A Link To the Past would allow creative liberties though
• I hope they cast new and great actors for the lead roles and Ganondorf and so on…but I’m not sure if they’re just going for already well known celebrities
• perhaps it’ll just be “”good”” enough for fans and safe – if the movie is alright.
• I don’t know if it’ll be good for non Zelda fans like how the Mario movie was more for Mario fans (Mario movie was alright just lacking in story and pacing) :<
• I don’t know how to feel about this so I’m sad, mixed, unsure and weary…I don’t want my hopes and expectations too high
• I agree with Zeltik’s video on thoughts on the Zelda Movie and learning that Wes Ball is a Zelda fan

Posting art on twitter video by iirisz

• lots of cons but I do enjoy sharing art there so feeling conflicted continues
• using Glaze to protect it somewhat from AI scraping continues
• I keep testing where I should post links and at this point I’ll just link it in a thread much, much later – links are suppressed at twitter, instagram and threads and who knows where anyway
  • People will see it when I bump the tweet or they can go directly to my blog and/or youtube channel 😛
• Oh yes I do envy people who somehow luckily get favoured by the algorithm most of the time + they have existing clout/charisma, they’re super active on twitter and/or they have godly skills already ;P
• I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling irrelevant, trying to not let metrics get to me, feeling invisible and how it’s too much work dealing with social media platforms
  • I’m going to let go of Cohost since no one I follow actually use it, if I’m lucky people stumble upon my fanart there (but they don’t go anywhere else) and I already have my own blog here
• I think there have been some cases where people pressured me to follow them back (follow for follow)
  • and regardless of whether I caved or not, we end up not following each other anymore in the end ;P
  • Forcing things doesn’t work when genuine interest, trust and connection isn’t there to make it last
  • and the struggle on figuring out whether people are genuine or not :S
  • ah threads has it’s own “summoning checklist” trend for people who want to follow/be followed by more people with the same interests – not sure if I’ll do it because using Meta apps inherently means you’re giving away your info like with any huge internet place …is anywhere truly safe :’)
• people keep saying threads or bluesky are great for artists while I still don’t know if it’s just bias and because they’ve built enough of a following already at their chosen platform
  • I’m more of a lurker and passive user of social media
  • plus people are just scattered everywhere so I’m just torn and juggling :’)
  • ultimately I get more engagement on twitter, then maybe instagram while bluesky, threads and etc not much
  • makes me wonder how I should even post studies

Hikikomori: The Haunting Echoes of Eugenics in Japan & video comments

• insightful look into the history that has been erased and covered up; I am so glad I don’t live and work at a traditional stressful job in Japan
• it’s horrible with the forced sterilisation 🙁
• I agree that it’s not about being neurodivergent – the hikikomori phenomenon is more about Japan’s “hyper competitive and ultimately narrow, rigid pathways to professional success” as a commenter brought up (and also happening in China, Korea and many other places)
  • if you slip up then life is horribly hard and “it’s over”
  • consequently people are prone to mental breakdowns, pressure and stress when growing up
  • huge changes to social structure is needed but it doesn’t seem to be happening plus capitalism too
• I’m an autistic hermit myself – I find the outside world too much and in a competitive/clout/popularity/social hierarchy kind of environment I get super insecure, overwhelmed, at a loss, get outcasted and feel even more sensitive and lonely :’)
  • I usually distance myself from super charismatic, extroverted, popular people (it depends when people are complex and on a sliding spectrum) because they won’t have time, interest, attention and patience for slow, quiet, overwhelmed me (based on their actions and if they even acknowledge me over time) :’)

Outside is a Prison: The Rise of American Hikikomori by Elliot Sang

• on eugenics, capitalism, alienation of people struggling with the cost of living, mental illness, disabilities, homelessness and ableism, systemic issues, oppressed people, forcing people into reprogramming facilities
  • hiding away because there isn’t any/much support
  • hermit Leonie here saying yep
• giving your life away just to survive and struggling to have the opportunities, support or environment to thrive – I relate to this and the feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, stress and feeling dead inside
  • it is why I always doubt my sense of worth when the same expectations are put on everyone under capitalism and I know I can’t compete/compare nor do I really want to (if I had the choice)
  • it does feel like outside is a prison in some ways – what do I do outside when it costs more money, effort, social/mental/physical energy and time to do things I may/may not be interested in ;P
    • I do hope to randomly (and sparingly) do social and outside things though!
  • people who aren’t “productive”, providing “value” and upholding the system/status quo get put on the sidelines and out of sight
• according to him, the key is about being able to be kind, empathise and look out for each other in a vicious capitalistic system that makes us fight/use/exploit each other’s labour
• I feel super lucky and privileged that I’m able to have my current and remote part time job with Hipster Whale (what I can manage or I’ll burn out completely)!

No More Loneliness: The rise of livestreaming in East Asia (aini) – China, Korea (mukbang) and Japan (Vtubers) in this video though

• on intense parasocial relationships
• “big brother”/”big hand”/big whales/rich fish is blatant in broadcasts by women in China that provide the “girlfriend (and more) experience” more out of desperation
• frightening how a man sold off his child/daughter to donate to his favourite streamer…I am horrified
• mukbang – well I do watch sumo wrestlers cook and eat chanko and lots of food (slice of life)

let’s explore the abstract idea of how being Autistic is inherently linked to Ego Death (Thought Spot notes)

• ego is a sense of self, what it stands for, how to take care of yourself + if you care for yourself
  • if there’s a place for us
• childhood ego deaths – involves being a scapegoat, trying to learn from others on how not to be yourself, not be different, feel wrong and socially unacceptable
  • how you express, speak, think, operate, do things, learn, socialise aren’t right
  • yes being and feeling in the wrong is deeply ingrained in my nervous system
  • constantly learning the hard way and being insulted that I’m doing it wrong and it kills my sense of self worth
  • because I learn and suffer the consequences, negative labels, shame and guilt after messing up
  • I didn’t know I’d be seen as selfish, incompetent, lazy and rude when I were just existing
• agreed it’s exhausting constantly suppressing myself around people and constantly judging myself according to how people perceive me and my behaviour
  • regularly watching myself through other’s eyes and cringe and resent and hate myself
  • probably a reason why I’m just quiet, exhausted and overstimulated in group things because I don’t want to be hyper aware of everyone and the countless possibilities
  • “I don’t feel safe in other’s perceptions of me because rarely am I perceived accurately or positively” plus the misunderstandings!!
  • if I am perceived positively I don’t fully trust it and doubt myself :’)
  • when you’re a hermit, text communication is so easy to ignore/ghost/leave on read and that triggers my rejection sensitivity dysphoria, overthinking/analysis, hurt feelings and self blame if I let myself care too much or if an existing bond is already there and I feel betrayed :’)
• self awareness is too much at times and people/therapists can’t help me deeper than what I’ve already talked about too
  • she says it’s “because we already force ourselves to see other people’s perceptions all the time in order to mask and assimilate better”,
    • “memorising what people do and lacking ego to look for guidance on how they need to exist rather than just existing”
    • and “always doing mistakes, never feeling like you are good enough and not doing it correctly”
  • Yes I do this plenty and I am not conscious of it at times and it’s exhausting
  • I don’t like hating and hyper-analysing myself like this so much around most people and wished I didn’t struggle so much too
  • I feel like I have to solve and manage my own issues (my 2019 psychologist was only focused on kids with autism and other general things)
    • where can I get deeper answers and not just “you’re on the right track and are self aware”
    • all I’ve been doing is write here and maybe I vent with someone I trust :’)
• lots of masking and scripts happening haha
  • “to be seen accurately by others, we become inaccurate to ourselves as possible”
  • become someone else in order to be understood positively, to be liked, to be included in order to survive
  • constant ego death as I keep changing, mirroring and doing emotional labour according to different/new people
• otherwise “don’t mask and suffer the consequences of ableism” with jobs, opportunities and alienation from peers/people (yep)
  • GOSH yes people assume the worst because I don’t act warm, charismatic, likeable and friendly and talkative on the outside :'(
  • these people don’t actually want “authenticity”, they want to feel comfortable without room for other people to have different in ways of being
  • Oh!! Yeah reciprocating someone else’s energy (as they want/expected) is draining too
  • I dance between not masking with my blunt monotone replies/questions versus attempting to match the friendlier/higher pitched and varied tones :S
  • second guessing how to show up for people and express myself – indeed we can’t mask perfectly all the time nor do I want to
  • yeah I ask questions due to curiousity too and it can be seen as passive aggressive, too blunt, mean or intimidating
• “when people don’t know how to coexist and get along with someone who is different they alienate, target, scapegoat them” + all the negative tension is put upon the neurodivergent/autistic person
  • “if there’s connections, those people only talk to you when everyone else is gone”…oof
  • yeah that’s happened before and because I’m petty and want to save my energy/attention/time; I don’t trust nor feel safe around them
  • and they act like nothing happened and they did nothing wrong :/
  • yep I’ve had to be on my own do my own thing because I can’t depend on people…called myself lonely Leonie ;P
• Super important to have downtime with a trusted someone and share ideas, observations and anything to feel less lonely, hurt and not gaslit
  • and again I have this blog too haha :’D
  • also there seems to be a few neurodivergent/autistic groups out there who scapegoat/punish/kick out one of their own (regaining their own control and power since they endured and suffered it themselves?) based on the video comments :/
• positives
  • trying to regulate and have strong connections with myself and other people? How…just have to keep at it?
  • to juggle and accept that many valid truths, many different experiences, observations can coexist!
  • accepting that most people won’t see/understand/experience what you see and not be offended if no one sees what you see
  • I still seek validation though…to test the waters if I can trust someone :S
  • keep a “peaceful island and space to exist” yeah that’s what I’m doing at this blog and as a hermit ;P
  • I can put myself in other’s shoes (to my limited understanding) and attempt to understand, learn how to do better, how to get along – I just don’t want to do it too much because I cannot get along with everyone and I don’t want to stress and revolve my life around others
  • have to keep regulating and processing feelings yeahhhh :’)

Personal update

• Finally finished 100% Super Mario Bros Wonder! (well I didn’t do 2 -3 of the expert levels)
  • wonderfully fun, silly, surprising, refreshing, great game!! I played it in coop which made it more fun
  • I had to step out when the 3 super expert/hard levels came to play because it got too chaotic with player 2 (me) getting in the way of out of screen and dying too many times :’)
  • the thing you get from completing it 100% is super weird and goofy haha
  • glad I played it and it was super wholesome when we came across online players willing to help, wait and die (to backtrack to the last checkpoint) to get us across the expert level (or part of the way at least)! Some stuck till the end (with a lot of emotes) and others helped awhile but moved on later.
  • Super lovely and wholesome where people helped and encouraged each other + not negatively affecting each other’s gameplay 😀
  • Only nitpick is that we needed more variety encounters than Bowser Jr.
  • Super fun, charming and lots of care with the talking flower (much humour), game design and all the weird things to enjoy!
• I did my first (planned) in person 1 to 1 friend catch up since 2019! 😀
  • It was a super lovely time & I got treated to nice food (many thanks and super appreciated hanging out in a quiet, chill, slow 1 to 1 way!!) 😀
  • did a RAT test beforehand, was/am still social distancing, kept up a face mask, hand sanitised before eating and was careful to eat away from too much people and crowds
  • I agree with my buddy on not wanting to risk it if one could help it
    • I probably won’t go to social group events where people don’t do RAT tests beforehand, especially during the end of year busy social season and everyone’s more active…
    • I guess I’ll just miss out on social things ;’P
  • I do miss hugs but I’d rather not risk anyone nor myself – got eased into doing a fist bump instead :0
  • eye contact still had to happen to reassure/reestablish connection and visual feedback but I do it sparingly since it’s intense and I can’t really focus on other things and listening otherwise
  • got a bit of food shopping & getting some ointment done
  • because I was a hermit – on my end it was my whole morning and lunch time and then the rest of the day was me decompressing and being sleepy
    • how do people do this? My tolerance and energy levels are low :’)
• still stressed out juggling all the things I want to learn so being very slow – feeling like the odd one out
• trying to heal and rest my jaw – I keep stressing about how it’s so slow to hurt less :’)
  • caved and decided to get a custom made mouth splint made yesterday so I don’t ruin my teeth clenching weith anxiety when I sleep and trying to be more conscious when I’m awake…
  • technically it’s my jaw joint in pain – I don’t know if my teeth were affected but I’m not taking chances
  • I’ve had this jaw pain on/off for many years and I need to protect my teeth even though it’s super pricey ouch :’)
  • eating solid foods hurt sometimes… 🙁
• Finally played all the Mario Kart 8 Deluxe + DLC courses!!
  • It’s so big!! Great times though some courses and music tracks aren’t as memorable.
  • Will need to play more than once to get used to it and see how I feel about it!
• Also got told I was too dehydrated so I roughly sorted out a hydration plan to get sufficient water in my system
  • juice, tea, berrocca don’t count – I also need to quit juice after it all runs out…
  • I’m finally using my water bottle now but I am not used to drinking so much water (compared to my norm)!
• Whelp that’s all I have! In the meantime, I share random videos and things at my discord so maybe catch you there ;D

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