Text art process commentary video!

Had to change Daisy’s cap flower colours now that I know what her icon looks like! 😀

Also she’s orange because it’s after her Mario Tour overalls farming costume and she won’t clash with Wario’s yellow colour!

Super Princess Peach and Princess Daisy! Enjoying the game!

Roughly finished World 2 at my slow pace, having a wild ride of silly fun with this whimsical game 😀

I feel like a kid again and I did enjoy and play through most of the previous 2D Mario platformer games!

No gameplay spoilers please, the surprise is part of the fun ;P

Leonie rambles about…

Friendship, relationships, love (video notes)

• it’s about effort and choosing each day to put the effort to maintain it and having the courage and privilege to leave and move on if it’s not working out
• it’s not about endurance in an unequal, unhealthy, loveless, abusive, indifferent or toxic relationship
• yeah there’s definitely bitterness and resentment when people feel trapped
• I think my personal obstacle is that I don’t have a huge capacity and I have to push myself to randomly do social things :’)
  • I don’t think I can get friendship mileage (as talked about in my previous post) if it isn’t catch ups via a call or really occasional/rare in person catch ups or something
  • gosh it’s hard to stop myself from overthinking about interactions after a catch up chat help…
• the fear of relationships from an avoidant’s pov (aka me) video
  • I don’t relate to everything she’s experiencing but a lot of it
  • I am anxious avoidant and I am afraid and tend to emotionally attach too early or distance myself a lot out fear of getting hurt too much (with friendships and I haven’t had relationships at all)
    • I have definitely pushed/distanced myself from people because I was hurting, insecure, anxious, uncomfortable, alienated, feeling rejected and confused but I was not emotionally mature, brave or safe enough to share or communicate it + trust issues + feeling like a terrible person
    • or I’m not interested and mutual distancing/ghosting/moving on happens
  • ghosting without explanation is not great especially when it’s an established, ongoing connection and not a casual thing – no one wants to bring it up nor communicate about the uncomfortable underlying issues either
    • I have attempted an explanation before and also answered honestly when someone brought it up – this is not about people I don’t know so well because people just come and go casually in that context
  • there’s the getting to know someone part, seeing people as flawed beings and not knowing if mutual care, effort, time, intentions and energy is shared – it’s usually not the case
  • I do tend to overshare and with most friendships/acquaintances you just share good stuff, some of your problems and then you go back to your own worlds
  • I’m not too afraid of being vulnerable if it’s just about myself (hey look at this public blog) but it’s more about when it involves about and talking/speaking up with someone actually involved
    • and the fear of emotionally dumping and not being able to be a great friend/partner :’)
  • I did used to idealise some people and strove to change it when I learned more about people so that it’s not all unrealistic projections of a person – it’s hard all the same
  • I do want love and to love (in my life) but so far it’s just in my head
    • I don’t think I’m ever ready (when are we perfect/ready for it ever?)
    • and I’m not interested in the act of dating – seems stressful, lots of unmet expectations, pressure and not fun
  • relationships (based on what people say on their experiences) go much deeper, darker, uncomfortable and most vulnerable
    • there has to be shared courage, acceptance, teamwork, effort, respect, trust, patience, enjoyment, attraction, support and understanding to have such scary, intense intimacy with each other
  • best to live, learn and practice! I don’t feel inclined to go outside for the sake of it ;P
  • I don’t know how a hermit can make friends and get my own support system halp haha
• I NEVER dated before 26. If You’re Single in Your 20s, watch this – video thoughts
  • well I’m older than 26 so yeah I guess I’ve accepted singledom. Who knows the future really ;P
  • it is reassuring though that I can meet people at more mature stages in their lives and being single is great ;D
  • I don’t know if I’m mature though since I lack a lot of basic life skills and don’t have all the “adulthood milestones” – let’s just go with being a flawed person on a very slow learning journey :’)
  • I am a homebody and people either don’t feel the same about me or they aren’t someone who I would hang out with in the long run (I’m a hermit after all). And probably many other more specific reasons :’)
  • I agree it’s more important to learn about yourself before anyone else (knowing about and being part of other people’s lives is another whole complex thing to learn depending if they’re self aware or not)
  • again how will I find and keep peeps and still have my hermit adventures?

Making “Content” (as an artist on the internet)

struthless’ video on the problem with content making on the internet

• how things are made/posted for the sake of the algorithm and schedules and not for good art and creativity
• more about what engages people and video content now
  • mediocre art, content to be consumed, hot topics/takes
• he says opportunities lie in building community – twitch and discord?
• how marketing and selling stuff and trends takes over and one loses the sense of reality
  • it seems like tiktok gives more reach on videos with tiktok shop/product placements too
  • instagram suppresses your posts so that you pay them to get seen; same with twitter
• it’s less about art and more about entertainment, vision/story or educational value
  • twitch is “what can you do for me”
  • youtube there’s high production expectations, it’s mainly art commentary or educational tutorials or selling stuff
  • of course there are exceptions
  • I just don’t want to go ham on production – that takes me away from making art too much
• recommends creating projects but I am not keen on huge, long projects as they tend to burn me out
  • draw what I want and figuring out how I go deep into things?
  • why do I have to create things as products – it stresses me out and my sense of worth and value
  • I’m not confident if I have enough people to make a substantial living from my 2D work :’)

Everything Is Content Now & answer video by the Patrick (H) Willems Team

• disposable stuff on the internet – “all you can consume” platform service takes over creator/creative projects
• I don’t like the word “content” and its implications either
  • it devalues the whole range of rich, wonderful stuff that people create and share alongside things people post to fill up time, on a whim, to update friends and for consistent consumption’s sake for a platform/corporation
• there’s no solution aside from awareness and making sure you have your own independence elsewhere?
• the whole consistency and making sure people know you exist…yeah I’m in that hamster wheel as an artist on the internet
• I am making and posting things that are true, fun and/or interesting to me though – my art and life journey!
  • I do try to post things with art in the forefront and most of the time I don’t post my day to day thoughts on social media and keep it to my blog here
  • when I do post my thoughts out there it feels like talking to the void most of the time and my rejection sensitivity and insecurities act up during my lowest times – most people don’t see your posts anyway :’)
  • My schedule is more about doing 1-4 posts monthly – apparently I need to be more frequent??

Who Is Killing Cinema? – A Murder Mystery by the Patrick (H) Willems Team – yeah movies are not as valued now due to many factors detailed in this video and video comments

Watched Blade Runner 2049 for the first time (spoilers!)

• it’s super good with cinematography and execution but not as impactful as the first one. A lot more action scenes
• the whole “you’re not special”, “you’re not the chosen one after all” message was interesting
  • I feel like this is what a lot of men (and other diverse genders) feel like – it’s great feeling (or grasping) like you have limitless possibilities and dreams to hold onto
  • wanting to do something special, to feel that they are chosen, that they can do great things beyond their dreams but they learn that they’re just another “Joe” as the delusion/reality hits hard
  • the story is more about the main character’s arc, trying to find meaning in a bleak world who doesn’t value/care for him
• what is a human?? Differences between cloning vs AI personas/sentient forms?
  • I feel like organic cloning is more human than a programmable AI but what do I know about this complicated topic – I don’t know, which is why this is compelling
• Social commentary on (super sexualised/passive) women, orphans, slaves, replicants (outcasted, scorned and devalued for being one), value of fertility in this world, casual violence/murder, over consumption of idealised/designed/fictionalised women, how replicants are just disposable tools for dangerous things or for pleasure (and get tracked with no privacy like with the real world I guess)
  • yeah I find this movie alienating and sexist even though it’s “we’re depicting how unkind and dystopian the real world is and we’re not necessarily supporting these depictions”
  • they’re still doing the sexualising/misogynistic/discriminatory/dehumanising stuff itself anyway on the screen, it feels bleak, hopeless and intentionally a terrible world to live in
  • feeling uncomfortable/uncanny/creeped out with scenes with Joi or the Rachael duplicate (the CG)
  • the creepy Wallace villain blatantly wanting to control reproduction/procreation and how his company essentially keeps on running without it anyway (felt edgy and over the top too)
• Ana Stelline
  • she feels underdeveloped despite her memories of kids bullying her
  • I wonder if she eats/does life things in a different room or what she does outside of her job
  • how she even got there since the orphanage
  • how she’s just in a (sterile chamber) cage and her imagination and creations are her only ways to escape
• Luv just wants to be the “best one/best angel” for Wallace at any cost and including at the expense of herself
  • she is scary and suppresses her feelings to act “perfect”
• I hope the dog is okay (and it doesn’t matter if he’s real or not – implied to hint how it’s like Deckard)
• I did like the investigating shenanigans as K tries to figure out what’s going on
• Harrison Ford/Deckard did good too
• Great intro scene and creepy finding, investigating and stealing Rachael’s bones like that
• I definitely agree that Joi feels underdeveloped with K and her death just didn’t really leave any emotional impact on me
  • the fact that she’s designed this way (she says what you want to hear) makes her emotional interactions emotionally empty too
  • so to try to jump to “oh the relationship between a Replicant and an AI is real!!” when you can’t really be sure of that emotional connection (intentionally ambiguous probably)
  • definitely reminds me of otaku/people with fictional girlfriends/partners (and probably lots of real life parallels)
• The “you must be lonely” meme comes from here – talking about simp culture and or cults?? :’)
• Please don’t judge me as this time I watched this movie 2x the speed and aside from the speech, the rest of the movie felt like normal speed so I wonder how slow, “cyberpunk vibes” and atmospheric it originally was at normal speed :0
  • let’s say I was tight on time and I didn’t mind speeding up the sequel
  • plus I kind of cared for the characters less compared to the first movie
• I feel like the ending intentionally left it ambiguous – did it solve the issue of being hunted for procreation??
  • We don’t get any reunion scene between Deckard and Ana but it’s somewhat hopeful as an ending :S
• Please note that again sci-fi/dystopian worlds is not something I go out of my way to look for but the themes are interesting and compelling! I am glad I watched it but I wouldn’t watch these movies again though ;P

Well been feeling sluggish, sleepy and not great

• not a great week in terms of productivity but hey I’m doing my best I guess – had to take a nap because I was not functioning well due to sleep deprivation
  • waking up early enough and sleeping late is what ends up happening so I had to nap as the last resort :’)
  • it’s a day to day floundering and struggling to relax myself ahhh
  • again low key stressed because of procrastination and wanting to do/juggle many things ahhh
• went to the dentist and my jaw pain got noticed and apparently I’m clenching due to stress and anxiety
  • I might have to get an expensive custom mouthguard if it doesn’t improve and I have to decide noooo
  • my new dentist was impressed with how much I know about myself and my autism – that was nice
    • what’s not nice is how that all plays into my stress and anxiety just by existing :’)
  • I will have to make myself meditate before bed to help me relax first – see if I can handle it on my own
• got lost (not because of me) but survived without going into details. Shall have to slowly deal with life things in the distant future ahead as much as I feel tired and overwhelmed as it is…trying to reassure my thoughts

Digressing!! Whoa! I hope you have a good day and rest of your week! :’)

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