Speedpaint subtitle process commentary at the video!

My rambles are at the video subtitles! :0

Also watch out – I have done a bunch of fanart before the game comes out but I’ll post them after the game comes out so I hope it’s not too inaccurate!

Also I tried Glazing and it looked worse or failed to work so I’ll just use a glazed preview image for twitter this time. I don’t want to post my full art on twitter anymore. Let’s see how it goes as a test! I’ll probably reach wayyy less peeps but what can I do. I don’t have the courage to quit twitter completely but I don’t want to feed any of my new art into their AI training data 🙁

New princess drill costumes I wanted to draw!

I wonder how playing alone versus playing with friends compares! The game comes out later this week!!

I’ll be taking my time with it though in coop!

Leonie Rambles about…

• The scale of The Milky Way – why is the galaxy bigger than we think?
  • very good video and full of wonder about the scale of everything; I feel so small and insignificant but it’s all relative!
• Are Modern Games Designed to Waste Our Lives? For the sake of engagement and long playtime even when it’s not free to play?
  • yeah I have little patience for grinding if it’s not fun and I feel like my time is disrespected
  • I guess that’s why I generally don’t play most games…I have to be willing to “waste” my time and actually enjoy it (oof! Me sinking 280 hours away at TOTK – I did enjoy most of it though)
  • generally other things in my life take over and I stress and juggle those instead – I really need to start Pikmin 4 eventually
• If you are stuck in making hard decisions / creative block – the Wheel of Life/Prioritisation Wheel to try out!
  • I have quadrants instead where I list things out in each one – I didn’t really scale the pieces according to importance though
  • not sure if this is helping me but it’s going to be a lot of rotating between focuses because I don’t really want to cut things out completely
  • I just can’t do everything right now!! It did help me see everything on one page and to break things down a bit so it’s a little less scary and daunting
  • there’s also the matter of fighting internally what I enjoy doing versus what seems like the market wants and struggling with how to overlap this
  • I do want to do a lot of learning and creating
  • I also need to be more smart with my time and efforts by prioritising too!! Ahhhh low key stress all the time!
  • I might iterate and actually prioritise things in my wheel but I need time to think it over :<
• documentary/essay on Satellites: Crimes Against Space – terrifying to know that it’s not safe due to all the space trash bullets of death and destruction around our earth!!
• Animated Pilot of the Digital Circus show

Our friendships are a disaster: here’s why

Notes from the video itself:

• friendships have no meaning if you spread yourself too thin and without boundaries and allowing yourself to be treated badly
  • Oof I’m not good at speaking up on time because I take time to process and reflect on things :’)
  • then I miss the opportunity or safe moment to say something
  • and probably I don’t really get to have a say in the moment…not to the point of being a doormat, I hope
  • people asking me directly helps and allows me to feel comfortable to share, warm up to and ease into it with the people there
• class/money does matter & prices are going up – if you’re working more there’s less time for consuming media to relate to people and to physically do activities with people
  • how living near friends is a luxury, living in proximity to a social circle plays a huge part
    • my thoughts: I am not able to live near people as it is and I’m a hermit so I depend on online communication methods which are lacking
    • most people just have the time and space for people physically in their lives and they don’t like and/or have time for text communication
    • Text makes it easier to ghost so my rejection sensitive dysphoria acts up with new people and people who just don’t respond, gloss over and skip some of the things I bring up in writing. Yes I am not entitled to getting a response to everything I bring up of course! My mind’s negativity bias makes me spiral and overthink/analyse :’)
  • definitely adds to the isolation
  • upbringing, income and needs differences does impact on opportunities, travel and ability/time to bond
  • activities are expensive!! Transport costs money!!
    • maybe you have to visit each other’s abodes to keep friends but can you afford the space?
    • there’s public lobbies I guess? Food places? Parks?
  • free public spaces shrink and it is less affordable to have friends and friendships outside of class boundary
  • it makes sense because I am not bothered doing things with a lot of people (unless it’s a one-off and worth the trouble for me) because I just shut down to preserve my draining energy by just existing in the overstimulating outside world and around groups of people :’)
• there are people who don’t want to consider hermits as friends and take it personally when I don’t go to social things I get invited to (in the past)
  • I guess I can’t live to their expectations of being physically around while they can’t be around online/via text so they’d/we’d rather not bother :’)
  • so for me I need to look for people who can do online communication with me on a loosely regular basis?
• you need 34 hours together with someone to get from superficial acquaintance to true friendship & 11 interactions, 3 hours each
  • well that means I definitely don’t have that with almost all people 🙁
  • I have to grind for friendship bonding time mileage now??
  • How is this not pressure on its own when I’m a hermit? It seems impossible and draining for me
  • I can’t find something sustainable, enjoyable and regular for me to do outside, let alone in person with other people as it is – I am a super homebody!!
• expectations for 1-3 best friends, 5 friends to cry on their shoulder and 15 people who are good friends & core social circle
  • Uhh I don’t have a core social circle nor that many people to depend on and/or hang out with
• Elizabeth Day’s factors in friendship: stable, reciprocal and attentive (what does this mean in practice?)
  • Yeah I don’t have stability with almost everyone – guessing this is reliability through thick and thin?
  • Reciprocity it depends because not everyone can afford mutual gifts/effort/time/care. Effort, affection/care and time are most valuable and hard 🙁
  • Attentiveness – well I often find that people pay less attention about me than I hoped
    • (and the other way around happens too where I may care less about them)
    • that any attentiveness is fleeting so I better appreciate it in the moment if it does happen because most people are caught up with their own plate of worries
    • it means they care and consider your happenings at that moment at least ;P
• friendship is not just about compatibility but capacity – can people mutually make room for each others’ needs and not pursue if you don’t??
  • one cannot maintain 45 best friends (that’s so many ahh!!)
  • 150 people is the limit of people you can be around/recognised in life (that’s still so many!!)
  • friendships is about time spent and activities together – which I don’t have much mileage in 🙁
• partners, friendships and communities – juggling all three is hard
  • Make more time with spouse/partner(s)? Community?
  • Figure out friendships and cooperate with people to get better at friendships?
  • participate in closer communities
  • well I do have a tiny discord of lurkers but probably not enough to be called a community haha
• “it’s not a failure if no friends happen” is her approach
• reflect on friendship – not have to pretend to be anything and to be comfortable to be in each other’s company
  • with most people I’m awkward though and we don’t get past the “getting to know” phase to even be fully comfortable at the 34 hour mark
• good friendships came when she wasn’t looking or expecting them
  • timidity and friendlessness go together – people who want friends never make any because friendship is a side effect of living and grows on you when you are busy doing something else (very true!! )
  • having friends – you want something else besides friends! Those who have nothing can share nothing. Those going nowhere can have no fellow travelers
    • well that explains why a hermit like me feels stuck and isolated but it’s humbling!
    • or at least I feel like I have nothing to share :S
• I am always keeping myself busy with something to do with art or something because I can’t depend on people for company – I’m expecting people to leave :’)

Digressing! Essentially I need to “touch grass” but I need something to do that I’ll actually enjoy and can stick with because I’ve tried things, didn’t enjoy them in the long run so I fell off :’) Like Improv classes!!! And the Dance classes!!

All of these are interesting to do but draining in the long run!!

What do I enjoy doing outside? Let’s just brainstorm here.

• Not confident with a book club as I don’t want something with homework when I have plenty of that for other things!
• Art learning club?? But I don’t want to be torn into too many different art learning paths either. But this can work?? :S
• Watch movies/entertainment I’m interested in and discuss it?
• Eating food with a friend (though covid has made me anxious about that so maybeee side by side eating and not facing each other)?
• Walking about maybe?
• Fun games or exploratory activities that don’t depend on keeping a conversation going?

That’s all I can think of – there’s more but I don’t know or they probably cost money on a regular basis. Hmm

Hard lessons I learned from friendship mistakes by Psychology with Dr Ana – my notes:

• loneliness epidemic and grief more common nowadays
• doing friendships out of scarcity or desperation or with an unhealthy attachment never bodes well and hurts even more – definitely agree and have learned the hard way!
  • being desperate for someone’s time or attention – you get disrespected, ignored and taken for granted when it’s not mutual
  • you attract the wrong people if you’re not selective about who you spend time with
  • that’s why I feel conflicted with some people – either I really want to get close and they’re avoiding and are indifferent to me or the other way around where I’m not feeling mutual and feel uncomfortable :’)
  • mutual interest and intentions are rare – or it’s just super subtle, mixed and vague and I just freeze up and have no idea with social interactions
• Attachment
  • detachment from others completely is not the end of the world
  • attachment is when you’re connected, depend on someone, care about someone, are affectionate and understand that it may change at some point (the bravery and honesty with self/others to deal with this too)
  • I struggle to completely detach from people I’ve gotten closer to so I preemptively get super avoidant out of fear which doesn’t help me or anybody – yeah I’m running away and while they move on thinking nothing much of it (or thinking the worse of me) :’)
  • definitely growing pains of life
  • attachment is good as long as you can detach healthily if it’s not working out anymore. Doing the emotional processing and being self aware is not easy though, especially if you don’t want to lose the good things you’ve gained or used to have being around with them
  • everyone has agency and may not always reciprocate and things may fall apart
  • people are complex, fickle and are free to change their minds at any time
  • I think I’ll still be processing the loss and disappointment as things and people I know change over time – I can’t just immediately detach myself once I’ve emotionally attached – I need to grieve and process my feelings and thoughts which is what I often do at this blog :’)
• I find it hard to maintain many friendships and to keep options for quality people open
  • so I’m trying my best not to put pressure on the few friends I do have :’)
  • they have much, much more closer loved ones and friends so I can’t really take too much of their time
  • I don’t know if I’ll ever have or if I can manage regular best/close friends in my life – I haven’t gotten that far before
  • I do not want to pressure myself or others to get friendship mileage – people are busy
• do people bring me joy and do I want them in my life? Hmm most people are super casual and distant
  • I want to be around (after getting to know each other first of course) people who care, who would wait for me if I’m falling behind, check in on me and want me to be around and where I feel and do the same back too
  • life does get in the way and this is a rare thing to have :’)
• finding friends via hobbies? Well it’s not guaranteed!
  • we are not entitled to anything in return, let alone friendship
• Detachment because things will change and being able to accept and face the pain?
  • It terrifies me too – I don’t want to worry about losing people or things in my life
  • alas change is constant, “everything is fleeting”
  • always thinking of yourself at all times – I mean I am selfish and self centred but not to the point of always valuing myself over others and being inconsiderate intentionally
• if people let you down – maybe next time!
  • Or if it keeps happening then it’s time to accept how things are and move on
• loneliness from having the wrong friends is definitely worse than loneliness from having no friends
• needing a healthy true loving attachment is needed for self love? Does this have to be with a relationship?
  • It seems like any healthy connection with a person grounds you when things don’t work out with other people
• Energy imbalance – there’s the pursuer & distancer
  • yeah I’ve been / we’ve all been on both sides
  • how there’s always a power dynamic when you know one cares more about the relationship than the other
  • generally in heteronormative relationships, men distance themselves and women pursue once in the relationship so it also becomes systemic
  • if someone keeps pursuing your friendship/relationship and disregards your rejection then respect is lost
  • inflow and outflow of energy??
  • If you’re second guessing and keeping track of what people have done for you and received from you means the connection is not working out nor clear
    • paying attention to the energy and investment (not about power)
    • oof yes I felt like I lacked self respect when people continually act indifferent to me
    • or get more insecure and doubtful as the effort/interest wanes – I’m no good at communicating this when it happens, it becomes a slow burn hurtful distancing process so usually I just let it go instead
    • I’m not sure about the push / pull thing and playing games that some people do because I lose interest and feel disrespected that way
    • people need to care and put effort in on a mutual, honest level on a regular basis
    • you just don’t have the energy to do this all the time so this is where honest communication, reassurance and action is important if people do intend to keep the connection going (for me at least)
    • not that I’m great at communicating my anxieties and insecurities either because the fear of being a repetitive, sensitive, doubtful burden sets back in
• “partying is not a good place to find friendship”
  • this validates me and adds to why I don’t enjoy it because I don’t fare well in an environment that’s all about “thrill seeking, sensation seeking, adventure, novelty, fast living, alcohol for things to be fun”
  • I don’t like drinking culture – just not my thing
  • I want to be around people I can feel safe and not anxious, uncomfortable, creeped out and overstimulated around
• what is True Intimacy??
  • when you’re at your highest or your lowest and you can be vulnerable and not be judged nor abandoned with someone
  • feeling safe, accepting and supportive with each other
  • who actually wants you to succeed? And celebrate it? It’s super rare for anybody to bend over backwards for anyone
• who shows support regardless of closeness? Who is showing up for you? Indeed makes you more aware on where and whom to focus energy on where it will be valued
  • it’s always heartwarming when a few peeps tell me they read my blog posts and/or like my current work!! Thank you :’)!!
  • or stick around after so many years thank youuuuuu <3
• if people aren’t even around, don’t show up or want to see you fail – why want them around?
  • How people don’t actually read/look into/support what you do even though they say they will
  • yeah majority don’t care with what I do and most people only care about themselves (including me)
  • “people only care if they gain something, want social capital or when they’re not the only ones showing support” – it’s not personal so detach self from expectations for more
  • sometimes people are incompatible and not a great fit for each other
• Things won’t last forever and that’s normal – could be a few years and that’s fine
  • there’s still value, memories and things learned
• there’s also value to casual friends who are barely around unless it’s situational (like industry events, at work or at a social group, etc)
• “put in effort and see if it’s reciprocated but don’t pour more and more energy into friendships that bleed you dry”
  • that’s what I try to do and often I find that people don’t have the capacity and/or interest for hermit me
  • so I distance myself when they’re not investing energy/effort consistently, being unclear with intentions, also distancing themselves and they’re not communicating honestly
  • and if I don’t feel comfortable, safe, relaxed, trusting with them
  • and sometimes we just need space away
  • or the interest/connection isn’t there anymore or after all
  • or I just quit early because it feels super fleeting, casual and brief for any lasting connection to happen
• with choosing friends, focus on how people make you feel not how they are socially, financially, etc and if you can be safe with them
• all you need is 2-3 people who fully accepts you and to depend on in your life
  • well I need a few more then – I hope it happens haha

I watched Millennium Actress for the first time (it was before GCAP whoops)

• it’s good as a movie and animation is great, some hand anatomy is off in that movie poster illustration and her face looks kind of creepy in some of them :’) Wait Spoilers
• self hatred with love/dreams/youth through the old lady (herself) with the green drink
• I could not relate for the life of me with the actress chasing this mysterious man all her life – chasing the dream/fantasy/projection of a man as her driving force for her career :’)
  • I guess that’s why I was annoyed and frustrated with this theme/trope of “madonna sacrificing for a man”
  • wait I can somewhat relate due to my ol’ crushes in the past where I just wanted to be around them but not to the extent of this movie…ugh that’s probably why I was annoyed haha
• the documentary character self inserting himself and simping/fanboying everything about her got annoying/silly
  • comedy relief??
• complicated, mixed, intentionally messy with reality versus the movies she’s starred in
  • she is still living her real life though but this is not shown in this animated film
• I wasn’t surprised with the mysterious man’s ending/death and she probably wasn’t either but was able to use the chase to push her through a lot of her career
• I’m annoyed that she doesn’t want to be remembered as old in the movies/for the mysterious man when she is fine the way she is!!
  • It really does hit with the struggle with womanhood/beauty/youth as you get older and feeling not “attractive/desired/young/valued” anymore
  • I mean I’m supposedly a “leftover/spinster” woman/person myself so who wants to care about that anyhow ;P
• I’m glad I watched it but not sure if I can watch it again

Physio and whatnot

My physio said I needed to break down my super tiring, long standing and sitting periods so I’ve broken them into 3-4 hour chunks instead of the recommended 2 hours since I also walk away from the computer during a few of the time chunks??

My knees are still achy and I need to be more self aware with my back, shoulder, jaw and arm pains too. How stressed and tense my body is for years! Chronic pains from years of stress and anxiety indeed 🙁

I get carried away a lot so I need alarms/notifications to get me out of my hyperfocus! And to take breaks! It works sometimes if I’m not as stubborn haha :’)

And again I’m lacking in sleep. Yeah :<

Anyway there’s a lot of terrible, tragic happenings in the world so please take care of your mental health.

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