Speedpaint where I ramble about my thought process and about flowers!

I was stumped on what to do for months!! I didn’t really plan this illustration out as I was tight on time and it turned out alright! :0

Lauren of Kinder World surrounded by flowers!

Sending her positive energy, goodness, warmth and power!! 😀

Thank you for being a wonderful, understanding, lovely, generous, kind friend over the years!!

🌻🌹🌷🌼💐💕

Hope to catch up in person eventually! Now that I’ve jumped into the deep end of scary GCAP, I hope to ease into occasional social things after years of not doing any (too anxious, paranoid, low tolerance and wary) and I’ll just bear with the overstimulating, stressful outside world at my horribly slow turtle pace :’)

Leonie rambles about…

After GCAP I think I do want to test out streaming on Youtube and/or Twitch so I’m less lonely and isolated while I’m working. I can better manage text communication and minimise sensory overload too.

I think I’m not dreading it as much now since GCAP haha

I should stick with youtube since I’m not making it a job right now and just testing the waters. I’ll probably start in the coming months or so? I won’t say when since I’m not sure when yet – again keep tabs at my discord, youtube and maybe bluesky/twitter! I’ll dedicate a blog post to a stream/recording too just for prosperity too.

The prime time to do twitch was the start/during 2020 when the pandemic started. It’s increasingly more saturated for streamers (similar to being an artist) so one really has to enjoy it in order to grind/hustle and keep a streaming schedule. Too early for me to say if I enjoy it yet due to my lack of experience in actually streaming.

I do want to stream in a way that makes me less stressed and more willing to continue by doing no mic/mic off streams (reminding myself that I can speak during breaks and at the start if/when I can manage).

Ultimately how do I grow as an artist and person on my own terms? I’m simply fumbling about! I don’t want to overwork and struggle into burn out too much either. That’s why I’ve been holding off for so long until I feel ready :0

What is going on with Patreon?

The Rise and Fall of Patreon video came out before the Patreon changes. Though at the end, plugging the platform Nebula feels like a “when Patreon was wholesome” platform that might end up the same way years down the line. Is every platform turning worse due to venture capitalists?

Patreon’s logo is even less recognisable, they’re changing into a mobile “everything/creator app” and their redesign makes desktop use and seeing creator posts a pain.

I’m glad I stopped trying doing exclusive stuff at my Patreon (it was stressful, peeps don’t actually want exclusive stuff nor check Patreon much and I don’t want to depend on any one platform alone). I am just leaving it as a tip jar if kind peeps wanted to support me!!

Thank you so much patrons/supporters for generously helping towards the expensive website hosting costs of my blog and site and a bit towards my learning journey!! It really helps and lets me know what I do here is valued :’0 !!

Patreon is the only place (to my knowledge) that lets me have privacy unlike Ko-fi memberships through Paypal (where address/names are outed). There’s subscribestar, comradery, buymeacoffee and other places but I’m not sure I want to join and test more places right now. I’ll wait until I’m more confident in other platforms.

Suddenly I watched Blade Runner (The Final Cut 2007) for the first time

(hey there’s spoilers for this movie so skip this part if you intend to watch it)

I was feeling horrible, in pain, sore & unwell after GCAP so I got roped into watching this movie Thursday night haha

• It’s a great movie!
• I need time to process what I watched
• there’s different endings? There was a forced good ending?
• please note the following is just my initial thoughts and reactions (as I write things out) – I don’t have deep knowledge about the movie!
  • I know there are mega fans out there while this is just my first time actually watching it; please don’t go after me about how wrong I am :’)
• I skimmed up on the novel it was roughly based from
  • Yes I know now what “Do androids dream of electric sheep?” refers to & the novel’s context – the luxury of having empathy boxes to fill in the existential hole of living in this apocalyptic, dreary world?
  • the monetising/commercialising empathy and real animals…it’s really ominous
• I was tense/uncomfortable and dreading the icky dubious consent scene between Rachael & Deckard 🙁
  • yeah…it felt forceful and was feeling not great about that or his character, especially when she’s a Replicant (who is not a physical fighter/model) while he’s a Replicant hunter and telling her to repeat things after him as if she consented to what they do right after – it was dubious/gross/sexual harassment
  • is this intentional – how Deckard’s a morally questionable character as well?
• Yeah the femme/female characters aren’t as developed as characters as much as the masc/male characters :S
• the storytelling, cinematography and world building is brilliant and I didn’t mind how slow and “taking in the present moment” the movie was
• I was not expecting random cantonese in this movie – I just do eyes!! Haha
• lots of themes to chew on! Implanted memories, slavery, who is more human between biological humans and replicants?
  • Different androids for different purposes, planned/artificial obsolescence and how/who manages and allows the implants of memories?
  • What is empathy as a test – is it essentially a emotional/subtle/masterful performance regardless of whether you’re a replicant or not?
    • Unconscious eye dilation – how accurate is this really?
    • What if you’re normally deadpan (like me haha)?
• very uncomfortable/squirmish with the killing,
  • eye gouging,
  • lots of running into glass scenes (wait why is she running into so many glass panes?? There wasn’t any more panes in front of her and then suddenly there they are again for her to run into),
  • the way how Pris tries to kill Deckard
  • the voyeuristic nudity & shower scene
  • yes it is R rated but let me have feelings – I don’t go out of my way to seek out R rated movies normally ;P
• It did keep showing the same smiley Japanese lady billboard ad
  • I wished they changed it up to show more world building and different products/stuff they would have sold in this world – ads from other cultures too? Food? Utilities? Entertainment?
  • I’m not just talking about the product placement/soft drink Coke ;P I mean I want more variety – or maybe I just didn’t catch it all at my first viewing.
• And is Deckard a replicant?? Widely debated apparently even with the actors/production/director?
  • Left to interpretation since it’s vague for the movie through how the police treat him badly, the old photos on his piano that don’t seem related to him personally, how can he play piano like Rachael??
  • unicorn dreams could be an implanted memory, glowy eyes, how he’s hard boiled, etc
• How are Deckard’s fingers okay ow 🙁
• Roy is scary and also a killing machine like Deckard
  • but you understand for his need for survival and grasping for straws for life
• What are these unicorn dreams + unicorn origami – they know he’s a replicant with this implanted daydream and so he’s warning Deckard that he knows??
• how does the Tyrell building work and how does it not topple over at those angles
  • I mean it looks cool haha
• How come it’s so easy for Roy to get through security at the Tyrell building??
  • There’s no cameras to check who’s inside the elevator?? It felt too smooth and there’s no security guards at Tyrell’s level?? Is he that arrogant??
• Will watch the sequel…eventually! And then I’ll ramble about it here ;D

Glad that MIGW2023 was over for me in two days as I rested up last week.

Now that it’s been a week since my last vlog and blog here I am reflecting some more!

Seeing how some people are/were still going throughout the whole of last week – it sounds exhausting & overstimulating! I can’t do a full week, every night, lacking sleep and all that anymore.

The fear of missing out isn’t too strong and instead it just highlights how isolated, sad and disconnected I am from all the industry/friend circles I’m not really part of. I’m a grump I guess.

Then you hear how there’s still some unsafe/creepy/gross/leering people in the industry – it’s saddening and unsurprising. This is another reason why I don’t go to night time parties in general because it’s stressful being wary, scared and worried for my safety all the time. Apparently it was happening at games week – disappointing and I don’t know any details. And on a wider scale – the former Ubisoft executives and people that participated in disgusting sexual harassment and were involved in covering that up for so long?!

How to make & keep friends when you’re a chronically online, low energy, quiet, autistic hermit? :’)

I don’t have the energy to even go outside for too long! Maybe I should do daytime stuff outside of GCAP? I’m not sure if I want to do GCAP anymore…I will probably go if I have a new strategy of staying awake and enjoy things more. Or I’ll just give up and do people watching. Or I’ll just attend things and not eat (due to my anxiety with eating at crowded events).

GCAP gets super noisy but not everyone in the industry is even there (it’s super expensive)!

I don’t know how to best connect with people within my mental/energy limits as much as people insist and value bonding through in person things (and really loud and/or physical activities when I’m a sensitive weakling who can’t survive for long in those situations haha).

I have forced myself to stay in social groups before for too long and then I end up being a drained, quiet follower who is out of energy and isn’t enjoying herself anymore. I also avoid staying in groups for too long because I tend to assimilate, mask and lose myself too much in order to fit in and then I end up not speaking up for my needs.

This year’s GCAP I did excuse myself and/or run off when I needed some time alone (or it felt too uncomfortable, awkward, bored, interested and/or I didn’t want to do what the group was planning to do) but then I feel lonely again :’) I need to get used to the awkward and uncomfortable more…my tolerance is low!!

As a hermit I do hope to slowly test the waters and ease myself into random, rare, daytime social things. Relearning to accept that I’m a lone wolf in many ways…forever probably. I am not a social person but I hang around and listen more at social things.

Maybe I do have to do more online shenanigans too but I’m not sure what as I keep testing things and vent about my social media struggles :0

And games week years ago there have been a lot of artists/peeps (both I used to know or I haven’t met before) who don’t acknowledge me (at all or anymore) when I wave/greet them at so I continued to not bother them ;P I probably did something wrong due to my emotional immaturity, social anxiety, overstimulation, sensitive feelings of projection, abandonment, rejection sensitivity & insecurity and/or pushed people away first in the past in fear. And they remain good friends with people you know and you wonder what you did wrong.

Or they’re/I’m lacking energy to be friendly and talk (which is often for me in these crowded/social circumstances).

Sometimes not everyone likes you. Or people just change and move on too. That’s how things be.

And I’ve done the same – sometimes I’m not interested nor like everyone either.

So I’m just rambling and acknowledging these mixed thoughts as they come while I’m trying to focus on people who do mutually matter, care and/or acknowledge me and each other. Well I’m not 100% sure though :0

I feel lonelier after GCAP because I won’t be around much game/artist people again (not that I have an artist friend group or buddy), people have their business/company/friend groups to stick with and it’s really not a place to keep friendships. It’s to greet peeps and if I’m lucky – catch up and chat briefly. Or see and support existing friends and connections. It’s an industry conference firstmost and most parties beyond this are just to hang out?

But it’s not really fun for me when it’s too overstimulating, crowded and noisy for much conversation anyway (can’t be heard either with a facemask on). I’m too drained to even think of things to talk about and I’m torn on who I should hang around with (when people come and go as it is) or just keep being a drifter between groups and not feeling like I belong.

Soon I dissociate and zone out either way. Then if it gets late I get worried about how to get home with public transport/pricey taxi and no/few people there will/can even help or check in with me (ah past experiences resurfacing)!

Gosh the more I think about it, it bums me out more 🙁

I can’t turn off the feelings of loneliness and mixed feelings as I like. All I can do is sit with it a while and keep myself busy. I knew this will happen once I decided to go to GCAP but it’s not as bad and upsetting as I feared and experienced in the past at least haha

As usual these waves of loneliness will come and go. It’s just stronger now because I went into the intense, overwhelming deep end where there’s so much people at GCAP and now I’ve gone back to my homebody levels of normal.

I am glad I did get to chat to a small handful of kind peeps all the same (thank you again whether it was genuine and/or out of politeness)! And I got out of my comfort zone…! Maybe I need to be around people with similar energy levels like me. And perhaps people were just playing up their actual energy levels.

Easing myself into random social things at my own turtle pace! I should arrange catch ups before busy Christmas/holiday season? Or whenever things align. I’d like 1 to 1 or small group chats – I’d struggle to hold the conversation though :’)

Digressing!

I am waiting for twitter to disappear or change drastically for the better (the latter not likely). I keep thinking of quitting twitter right after GCAP but I can’t when I still use it for art and checking tags/links to twitter. And how people still use it including me to reach people with my stuff :’)

All the same I’m using external platforms (bluesky, twitter, instagram, youtube, linkedin, tumblr, pixiv, cara, cohost, etc) to cross post because they’re not really great places for social connection – everyone including myself are marketing themselves or sharing updates in order to reach people after all. Not that you can reach all your followers.

But we try our best. Newsletter/wordpress and maybe discord would be most reliable but it depends on the person on how they get updates and therefore we’re just juggling all these options! I’m still more around at my blog, youtube and discord firstmost.

I’ll go back to posting and hiding and will try to not check notifications too much – I need some emotional space from it ;P

I won’t post studies or study blog posts to twitter anymore because I don’t see the point of spending 2-6 hours to a day attempting to Glaze studies and rough work. It takes SO long to Glaze things as it is for my finished illustrations!! And they end up kind of gloopy at times 🙁

Like with any other artist/creative I have to keep re/posting about my stuff on twitter/social media places and it gets tiring as always. Being an artist on the internet is not just about creating anymore but “content creation” (a job in itself) and I’m trying to juggle this hamster wheel and not falling into doing trends too much :’)

Discord/streaming is more community driven and I’m a newbie! I will take my time with it!

I’m just spamming inspiring art I find at my own discord and slowly posting things there so feel free to join and/or share things there! haha

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