Simple text commentary speedpaint!

It’s a struggle to emotionally detach myself with these social media platforms…I’ll keep working on my headspace.

I reverted back to just music & text speedpaint videos to save myself the grief and stress/work of scripting/researching something of value to say given how competitive and time consuming youtube can be. Trying to keep this sustainable and manageable for me. Because once you go too high quality you can’t scale down since you’ve pushed expectations too high.

I want to focus on art making more than video making 🙁

Let’s see how this month’s videos do? But I shouldn’t expect much – youtube is a marathon. And so is streaming.

And also this blog but there’s no reach with this blog haha

Young Cricket / ヤングクリケット

Meat dumpling lover and kung-fu/martial arts student with a monkey :0

I played this game last year and did the fanart back then as well ;D

I will run out of an art buffer soon :0

Reflecting and overthinking on Thought spot, I’m Autistic, Now What? & Mom on the Spectrum videos on Autism (so I feel less alone with it)

How do I know I’m masking?

• due to masking, there is a need for processing and letting go of disappointment, heartbreak and resentful feelings due to how people misunderstand, judge and isolate you since childhood and throughout adulthood
• how masking is needed to protect yourself from people with unwanted sexual/bad intentions
• I’m so exhausted and get angry, defensive, doubtful, insecure when I keep being scapegoated, gaslit and interpreted as a malicious and/or incompetent person who is always at fault
• how I’m better off without people who can’t deal with me when I am deadpan and am unmasked over time as I get to know them – or I still feel anxious and uncomfortable around them despite trying to get to know them 🙁
• people in the video’s comments discuss about balancing comfort zone (safety, relaxed recovery) versus pushing yourself out of it to grow (but not too much to the point you need days, weeks, years of recovery with extreme stress and pain)
  • expanding the comfort zone as one put it!?
  • it’s stressful though so I’m not too inclined to do it often and usually stay in my shell ;P
• I definitely mask and need something planned to say when I’m in a social group
  • I dread most social interaction and feel most myself when alone or with my best buddy
  • not that I’m super interesting ;P
  • when I’m one to one I can connect with a mask that’s more aligned as myself since I’m less overstimulated
• alone time is super important!
• it’s really enlightening seeing different levels of masking being articulated in the video

the unspoken struggle of not looking autistic enough

• gosh again it’s so validating hearing that it’s not just me dealing with my TMJ/jaw pain and anxiety
• how meltdowns and being neurodivergent shouldn’t be an inconvenient, shameful thing and how it’s essentially a spectrum of various needs and support
• how some of us don’t seem autistic because we just hide and mask it away so that we won’t get judged, bullied and minimise being a burden – of course you can’t truly tell when we hide it to survive!
  • I don’t hide it as much when I figured I was autistic; I can no longer pretend who I’m not
  • well unless I have to out of survival, to not weird out people and to test the waters to see if it’s safe to be myself 🙁

Scripting in Autism

• “let go of expectations and let go of projections to live up to” is what she lives by
• gosh it can be hard to let go/cut off people if I can’t be as myself when with them
  • I do use rough mental scripts when interacting with people to live up what I believe is expected of me
  • indeed it can involve a lot of anxiety and second guessing and misunderstanding on how they are too
  • it can feel horrible when it’s not aligned with my values/feelings and if it’s more out of obligation and pressure
• I have detached myself to move on from people (I get limerence and the projecting of my own expectations/vision is an addictive, obsessive fantasy of the friendship/relationship/connection)
  • to identify what’s going on, move on and hopefully find people I can align with
  • easier said than done of course! Self awareness is based from experience and mistakes :’)
• letting go is needed if reconnecting is not good!
  • I’ve tried reconnecting and for one instance, I was hoping I can get over it after experiencing some reality and getting to know them as a person and friend – it made the limerence both better and much worse (internally with much anxiety) and I had to cut/stop things (I did the best I could in a vague, general way since it’s a personal me problem) with much mixed, hurt, disappointment and guilty feelings 🙁
  • other times when I reconnect – it usually doesn’t work out in the long run but at least sometimes a conversation/catch up happened!
• I often run out of scripts or topics and become blank without responses so I opt for listening instead
  • it’s exhausting when I’m deadpan and tired from masking and from acting “normal and friendly” too much
    • it makes it seem like you’re acting hot/cold when you’re actually just drained from putting up a friendly mask for too long – I can’t be myself if I set up false impressions about myself
    • what does “normal” even mean when people are confusing & complex and also have their own personas :’)
  • some people take it as a malicious, rude, angry, selfish, lazy attitude if you don’t reassure them and/or mask all the time
  • people don’t feel comfortable when you don’t act “normal” but social “rules” are inconsistent and fickle
• I don’t like phone calls for appointments since I have to have a script to make sure I don’t forget everything I needed to say – it’s stressful!
  • I don’t like impromptu social calls either since I need emotional preparation in advance and I’m not down for much impromptu social things :’)
  • I have waiting/anxiety mode too for things that are scheduled haha
  • almost all calls are telemarketers though…
• difficult how to make social needs met for all involved :S
• if there’s no to little no connection and if anyone feels pressured, obligated, superficial, stressed, anxious, incompatible, forced and lonely with the person, I want to move on for the sake of all involved and want to protect my emotional energy
  • it’s too much work and stress (and sometimes I’m the one who is uncomfortable but I don’t feel safe to bring it up)
  • but how would you communicate that? Most people just ghost each other or gloss over questions/important things rather than confront and discuss things (myself included) since it’s scary, actions speak louder than words and/or they don’t want to leave open the opportunity for dragging out the discussion or continuing the friendship/situationship/relationship

“Selective” Mutism in Autism & what helps me talk when I’m nonverbal

• I do need days where I don’t need to speak where possible to recover and minimise burnout
• I don’t have much to add to most of these videos, I’m just processing and reflecting ;P

Autistic Burnout & Jobs and Neurodiversity in the Workplace: Myths, Advantages, and Simple Accommodations

• ah coworker friendships are difficult and distant when it’s remote and it’s text only but remote work allows me to thrive in my own comfortable, flexible environment and not get overstimulated! Pros and cons :’)
  • understandably I can’t do much small talk in text as it’s all work focused or I have to emote or type in a slack channel instead
• the neurodiversity in the workplace talk: it is good!
  • it is good to have some self compassion and I’m glad that I’m not as harsh and critical with myself. Trying to be better and doing this blog helps at times.
  • managing emotions, executing/organising/planning things is hard when you’re time blind, struggle with context switching & unexpected changes, suffer from sensory overwhelm and I hyperfocus lots when I’m on a roll
  • self awareness and understanding involves a lot of trial and error…and I don’t bother trying to join into a conversation unless I really have something pressing to say
  • yes to the rejection sensitive dysphoria
    • yes to the need for recharge time,
    • yes to the need for personal zone out space and breaks,
    • routines, structure, organisation, clear purpose, processing time, breaks, measurable goals are important,
    • I do mirror how others interact in an attempt to belong/fit in and be friendly,
    • I jiggle my leg or fidget some other way without my conscious knowledge
    • I definitely have delayed processing (so I’m no good at most group meetings if I’m required to speak on the spot)
  • written communication is most preferred since I can take my time to edit and think over how I want to communicate and making sure someone else can understand what I’m saying
  • I’m glad I am now communicating more regularly on what I’m up to with my work, speaking up if I’m struggling & I can type things out instead of verbalising
    • I tend to focus on saying what happened and taking up what I can do to fix it
    • I do understand that people have their own plates full too!
    • I tend to manage it on my own as I want to do my tasks and fix any issues as they arise – finding a solution together is the way to go if it’s too much and I need to get better at asking for help/support :<

the innate loneliness of being autistic & how we can create sustainable friendships

• ah yeah I don’t really a have a group of friends I can stick to for long since I was just there and didn’t fully fit in the dynamics and felt like an outsider, follower, spectator and exhausted from interacting in groups
  • I’m just overstimulated with many people so I was/am doing my best trying to function and I end up being quiet, boring and awkward to be around :’)
  • I do not fare well when I am put on the spot in front of a whole group, I freeze up, attempt to talk myself out of it and I want out of the spotlight immediately
  • so I don’t really have a solution since meeting new people is usually through social groups
  • there are definitely times I wished I had more energy and was not overstimulated so I can actually be around longer and get to know people better – well not that much happens and it depends if I can even get a conversation going :’)
• I don’t like it when people keep pushing and asking for their wants, favours, needs and wanting to build connections (and not friendship), it feels manipulative since they don’t talk much otherwise
• yes to needing human connection while I’m just adverse to group things and would rather one to one interactions with compatible, mutually interested peeps with mutual effort (and not one sided or pressuring anyone)
• feeling like an outsider is the norm
• I tend to be silent if I can’t find anything to say or I’m just zoning out and it makes people more anxious/uncomfortable
• I need to step out of being a hermit in baby steps every now and then
  • I’ll probably dress up in an unattractive, paranoid way, covered up with a hat with social distancing and face mask :’)
  • most people are over covid while my hermit comfort levels are much more vigilant and smaller

Autism & Friendships

• agreed – it is scary when people project things and think you’re flirting…
  • I lose immediate interest in the friendship since it’s too much to handle someone’s projections and something I could not return
  • I feel uncomfortable and distance myself away when I get misunderstood – the line between friendliness and flirting is not clear to me plus I’m terrible at the latter
• true that when you want to keep it platonic and it feels violating and stressful and full of second guessing on whether you’re misunderstanding their intentions
• maintaining/adjusting boundaries and “saying no” are hard. Rejection hurts too 🙁
• I do forget about most people because of the lack of connection and they’re not in my life and they don’t share much interests
  • there have been many times where I just keep silent because I don’t know how to connect with someone who has a non hermit life and they find me boring and out of touch
  • I am such an alien and I’m probably not alone in feeling this :’)
• feeling a lack of fulfillment, comfort and lots of loneliness with someone
  • it makes things exhausting trying to make up a connection that isn’t fully there and I’m burnt out from that
  • lots of sensory overload to endure and heavy masking due their expectations, conditions and/or projections on what being a “good friend” for them involves and looks like (and guessing what they are because assumptions on all sides are made)
  • one feels obligated to do things for “friendship” – it makes me uncomfortable when it doesn’t align with how I feel, believe and normally act 🙁
  • feeling guilty as their needs are not met and I can’t give it – I still feel like a bad friend
    • perhaps I need to reframe it to “I can’t genuinely be a good friend for this person and meet their needs” instead
  • most people expect things from their friends and some instances I either don’t feel comfortable in giving it and/or I don’t even know what they were expecting from me because I miss the subtle, social cue stuff, miss the “friendship building” test and people don’t communicate what they want too
• I also do need space and distance and time away; I can’t do reassurance, validation and having to prove the friendship all the time – some balance instead
  • we all need some reassurance in reasonable amounts and communication though!
  • ghosting feels horrible (as much as I have done it with conflicted feelings so what do I know)
  • I guess I do need some regular, flexible schedule to catch up/check in otherwise it’s just casual acquaintances/distant friends or even strangers :S
  • everyone’s needs and levels of compatibility are different – it could be fortnightly, weekly, monthly, yearly or every other year and the connection can still be strong or get weaker
    • weekly feels too much for people not in my actual hermit life – I’ve tried weekly and in the end it played a part in stressing out people and/or they get flakey on me – things didn’t work out or it had to be adjusted
      • whoops I got too clingy, obsessed, anxious and/or insecure – expecting too much from people and myself 🙁
      • people’s lives don’t revolve around me and not everyone likes my art as I remind my overthinking, insecure, sad self
    • fortnightly, monthly or every 2-6 months seem better depending on the compatibility, interest, time and situation – I feel like I need to make it explicit with when to check in or it won’t really happen! :S
    • yearly or more or only by chance with people you don’t know so well? Or people who only appear and greet when it’s your birthday (which is nice, casual and not too deep)
  • that said, people do change and come and go
• I get confused and tired from the many faces of others when they’re not honest
  • is it real friendship or not? I guess it depends on how they treat you in person, not their online persona
  • it happens a lot with game industry things – people are building connections as much as they insist/claim they’re trying to make friends
    • making friends is not as easy as being friendly
    • most people can’t do the time, effort and mutual interest for everyone they meet
    • sometimes myself or other party/ties aren’t interested and you can’t control that
    • sometimes people hang out to do things but they’re not connected in a conversational, emotional, compatible way
  • I’ve assumed no one is really my long term friend with a deep connection – we’re just casually talking and meeting and not expecting too much
  • we all need work on being more honest with feelings – well given that we can identify and articulate it – which I am not great at :S
  • to be fair – trusting and losing control of the outcome is scary – one expects things to fail
• I don’t like it if people just do things without my consent and so I feel pressured and overstimulated
• I have as she says “burned bridges” and distanced myself
  • since I can’t relate to the person and the lack of similarities, shared interests, moral values and standards
  • or how badly they treat others and are abusive, narcissistic and/or too fickle
  • or I just had enough of hiding my limerent feelings, failing at getting over them and I have to cut it out and move on from them for my mental health
  • or I’m always masking, anxious, uncomfortable, second guessing, insecure around them 🙁
  • I do feel terrible and apologetic for cutting out some people as my flight response took over as much as an “emotionally mature and clear response in consideration for the other person” is ideal
    • then again I’m not great at this – I’m a flawed human and I have silly feelings
  • for some instances I did try to end it well and/or mask/pretend to act “socially acceptable” but I really wasn’t comfortable interacting anymore and I can’t bring myself to explicitly say it and get questioned why
  • yes people have ghosted/distanced themselves from me because I’m quiet and uncomfortable for them (well that’s my guess since I will never know their reasons either) so I have been on both sides
    • things just don’t work out and I’d rather not force it as saddening, hurtful, isolating and unfortunate it feels
    • to be fair most people and friends in my life have ghosted me and others – those who stick around is because there’s shared interest/effort, minimal misunderstandings, communication cleared things and mistakes up, we feel mostly secure about each other (and not insecure/obsessive or intentionally avoidant/distant) and integrity is maintained to the best of our abilities
  • maybe things could change for the better (hey we grow and change!) but only when honest communication of feelings happen to clear up any negative feelings and I think the consistent issue here is the lack of proximity, trust and communication of feelings, intentions, mistakes about the friendship/relationship/whatevership in the first place
    • ah trust issues and managing traumas…
• yeah in general I think I can connect better with neurodivergent people but not always
  • because everyone is different with interests, energy levels, life struggles, emotional baggage and so on
  • and I don’t know how to read people as it is – I take most things at face value
  • one day I’ll have more friends…it gets lonely indeed
• I’m not interested in watching every video at her channel though; I’m just picking out videos that interested me & what I want to reflect on

“reflecting on my autistic social faux pas” storytime & how on earth do people understand social dynamics & keep friends?

• “Usually my way of bonding with other people is to just let them talk about themselves”
  • yeah I feel this…sometimes being called a “good listener” doesn’t sound like a good thing because they don’t actually care about you. Well at least they’re not asking questions back about you to pretend to care all the time :/
  • other times I lose focus and become inattentive so ;P
• How people think you hate them or are stuck up because you don’t talk – true I struggle to connect or maintain connections and the same kind of assumptions and judgements of me were made too
• lots of commenters relating to all the rejections and traumatic, hurtful friendship breakdowns without knowing why or what social norm was broken – a lot of people don’t tell you why or act/respond with compassion
• to “align with our truth and authenticity, finally be ourselves, heal and those who aren’t good for us will fall away from our lives and those who align, value, celebrate and appreciate us will stay in our space” the gist of what a commenter expressed
• personally I had lots of social faux pas and it’s super embarrassing – shall have to keep learning
  • I can’t remember a whole bunch of names and I can’t mirror back enthusiasm back in group/clique things too!
  • I get left out of social groups usually and/or I trail behind :0
  • I also do prefer individualistic people and talking about topics
  • I don’t like pubs/clubbing/loud social spaces as it drains and overstimulates me too – it’s not fun at all and I remember lots of times when I’m just a grumpy, bored, lonely, sad zombie who wants to go home, had no fun at all while people “party” and I can’t get/hear much conversation over the noise/drinking :/
  • there have been times where random kind people hang out for a while but most do move onto friends they’re closer to – it’s not an expectation as much as having a social buddy I know and trust is great
• I usually avoid talking about private/personal matters though; I don’t want to talk about private things and confront people about things

Do Autistic Couples WANT Intimacy? (Autistic Person Reacts to Jubilee)

• I don’t relate to her family life and more outgoing experiences and lots about her lucky childhood but I’m learning!
• her edits with broll got too much (for me sometimes) with her personal footage across her videos
• I’m demiromantic and I do want emotional and physical (not sexual since I’m leaning towards ace) and recreational intimacy and affection – not sure how to define that in practical examples since I have limited experience ;P
  • one day I’ll have a real companion who accepts and supports me as who I am?? And I can accept and support them back too?? Yeah that’s a fantasy when real relationships are more complex than that, people are complex also and it involves the lives, family and friends of all involved as well – it’s just not about the people in the relationship
• I watched some other of her videos but it’s a mix of relating and lots of not relating to her extroverted experiences :S
• I have projected romantic feelings in the past (forms of limerence) or awkwardly “flirt”
  • it never works out because they just enjoy the attention and don’t actually care about me, ghost/ignore me and/or they reciprocate/act/communicate in a way that leaves me insecure, anxious, confused, stressed, mixed and alien
  • if I have to second guess then they’re not really that interested :<
  • but they enjoy leading me along/slow burn?? As they focus more effort on other people in their lives
  • or they’re just scared, ghost and avoid me
  • or they’re interested at first but lose interest really fast (it happens)
  • and me being clueless/anxious with how to manage/deal with sexual tension doesn’t help either
  • and/or I try to get over them and may even attempt to befriend them and/or establish some boundaries to move on but the limerence still lingers and causes me grief, anxiety, discomfort, hurt and I feel fake, unaligned and horrible with myself and feelings
    • I end up distancing myself in the end for the sake of my mental health
    • it’s essentially my own traumas, personal/lonely/emotional void, trust issues and projections that I need to manage and minimise the negative effects of
  • deep down I need to stop focusing on unavailable people (and I’m one of them with my own form of emotional walls and hermit dimension) 🙁
  • and ultimately I do fear commitment right now since I fear change, I have my own struggles and stubbornness to deal with as it is and as a result I don’t really feel like an “ideal partner” nor friend for anyone 🙁
  • all I can do is do the best I can and hopefully I can get more brave with making/maintaining friendships – I don’t know how to do that in a sustainable and primarily hermit way though

That feeling when twitter claims you should make your first tweet when you log in, all your tweets are gone and then it all comes back when you check notifications…this website is broken.

Autism & trying to understand Social Media = “Who cares?”

• always hard when online personas differ from how they treat you in real life vs online (for some it depends on clout??)
  • aside from some inspiring people and artists, I don’t follow people on social media most of the time since I don’t check my feed anyway
  • I don’t think it’s cool to not credit/mention people just because they don’t have “clout”
• yes feeling alien and lonely here
• posts keep tanking
  • I struggle trying to not tie self worth with social media performance
• my opinions don’t matter on the internet – I feel safer rambling at my blog than at a social media platform
• breaks are a must since it’s too overwhelming worrying about what every other acquaintance/online stranger are doing
• people feel fake/professional and transactional online
  • can get ghosted in real life by people who engage online and vice versa
  • people online not caring for your posts anymore – I noted I don’t recognise most people of the small handful that still engage with my posts. It’s sad to see that most people are gone and great for them if they are busy with offline life :’)
  • the pressure to engage and/or follow back while I don’t care enough to keep interacting all the time
  • it does become a false persona to please/impress people I don’t know sometimes – keeping up the facade and feeling judged
• I don’t want to always keep up with everything, the pressure to be always engaging and growing a community all feels SUPER forced and overwhelming and exhausting
  • I just want to live a simple life with art, learn, share it and reach people 🙁
  • indeed many people want to be influencers and are “content creators” and it’s a super saturated industry where they’re funded by merch/products, sponsorships, ads, subscriptions and whatnot
  • I am a “content creator” too, who just wants to survive in a sustainable way somehow :’)
  • like with anything there are people who would do anything for attention and clout chasing with no remorse nor consequence nor consideration nor empathy and it scares me sometimes when I hear about the worst things, challenges and trends 🙁
• of course there is a difference between people who actually reach out and doesn’t forget about you versus passive people who only like your random posts
  • I can’t say anything since I’m a lurker too and as a low energy hermit, all I can manage is passive reactions most of the time :’)
• I do prefer online communication to process things at my own pace and type out what I want to say

I did polls across twitter (32 votes), youtube (10 votes) and instagram (22 votes) on where people are most active on the platforms people are most active

Interestingly enough each poll supports the platform it was posted at haha

Yes I’m exposing myself and showing that I don’t really have much of a big audience but there’s still a bunch of you scattered across the platforms! And of course no one really wanted to answer my extra question – I asked anyway and as expected, I got tumbleweeds :’)

I use youtube the most and have twitch at the background personally.

Well these polls tell me that twitch is indeed a supplementary thing! And instagram seems to be where more people are engaged within a short period of time? For twitter I have to bump up the tweet lots of times but it turned out to be where I got more people voting :S

And there’s always people who use platforms I don’t plan to use. Gosh I can’t quit twitter I guess since some people including myself who still use it. It’s just so lonely at these places because most of us are passive lurkers :S

Also I’m upset I came across potential visual & costume character spoilers at times on youtube, twitch and on instagram but I’m not sure – for Tears of the Kingdom. For instance I had to unfollow the artist at twitch/instagram since they’re doing lots of post-totk fanart and on my following page I can’t hide the potential spoiler thumbnail of their stream 🙁

I hope it’s not a huge deal but I am not taking any future chances. Gosh I have to hide from spoilers for all of winter or something – until I finish the game!! I am filled with dread since there’s 12 regions and more and I’ll will be at my 4th or so this week :’)

Anyhoo this blog post is full of notes and reflection – I shall end it here and I’ll make sure my next post is shorter and less time consuming!! And take a break from doing autism notes ;P

I need to rest up for my sore arm and shoulder muscles :’)

Thank you for reading my reflective rambles! Take care!

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