Drawing for my birthday
Oh no :0
I didn’t know what to do – originally I was going to take time off from posting like previous year(s).
Or push myself to do a test stream tonight – but I don’t have the heart to do it right now plus Zelda / Tears of the Kingdom is consuming a good part of my week too. I’m super thorough and slow at the game because I’m stubborn going through each region slowly so I’ve only done one “dungeon” and explored 5.5 regions, uncovered but unexplored 2/5 of the Depths and I’m 125(?) hours in ;P
In the end, I did this doodle last night as I think about how I’m just getting older into my 30s and trying to not let the existentialism, self doubts, anxieties/fears, stress, isolation, loneliness when around people, sadness, fear of rejection/abandonment/blame/overwhelm, feeling not enough, negative thoughts, negative news & situation of the industry/world & all the things I lack and missed out as a person and artist, get to me.
I guess ultimately I don’t terribly mind the fleeting, superficial birthday wishes on social media this time since it’s at least it’s some acknowledgement/connection as an isolated hermit? An excuse for that if I’m lucky to have them? And to see who/strangers/acquaintances remember or see and acknowledge that I exist? It’s definitely more passive and easily overlooked/skipped/ignored/dismissed/distant though, given the internet. It’s probably even less engagement than my fanart.
It’s better than nothing…
Probably a cry for me to self reflect a bit huh
Am I supposed to have things worked out already at my age??
Am I too late and out of time? Too bad, I will keep doing what I want – however boring, samey and slow I am! ;’P
Will I ever have everything “worked out”? Business & brand stuff? I still feel like I should hustle?? Few were keen on my stickers though years ago :<
Big accomplishments I’m supposed to do??
Should I not take January off anymore and keep posting all year long?? But I do need that break for some recovery & breathing room!
Making a few more good friends somehow? Where’s my support system? A lot of people are at different life stages, are distant, moved on and are on their own journeys. Do I force myself to get out there for things again (one day in baby steps and with social distancing, eep)?? Or just go for discord calls/text messages ;P
Life skills?? Can I deal and handle things as they come? Do I have to become a zombie to survive again?
Am I too naive?? I don’t feel like being proactive for things I feel like I’m thinking too far ahead with or are inconvenient??
Or I’m worrying about it for the sake of “shoulds” and not when it’s actually necessary and genuine to me? What am I doing??
Hermit Leonie hasn’t changed much. What is my life. Gosh the human condition.
I’m flawed, I do make mistakes and I hope things will work out…somehow. I don’t know.
This is definitely an ongoing mindset/headspace thing and I’m trying to make things less scary and daunting in my head :’) I definitely do overthink and as an autistic soul I do get overwhelmed, drained and overstimulated – especially when I’m beyond my hermit dimension and comfort zone.
And I keep flip flopping with whether I should stream too ahhh! I want to do it as a study stream and it’s a way for me to not have to edit some of the videos afterwards. Realistically I’ll do it after I’m done playing with games consuming my life :’)
Or should I stream art on Youtube and games on Twitch? I’m not a super interactive talker and entertainer though (standards that I can’t reach) :S
Oof I feel behind on my learning & art 🙁
Anyhoo I am super, super grateful and lucky for the few lovely people & things in my life all the same! Thank youuu!!
I hope to keep learning, creating & sharing my slow life-long journey with you! I hope to be more brave & focus more on the things I enjoy – cute shenanigans!
Well I’m going to eat some yummy food and juggle things the best I can. Treat yourself too!
Note! I was supposed to not post on this bday week yet I’ve posted 3 times on my bday month. This means for July, I will give myself some grace. If I *really* need to, I’ll only post once next month. As you know I haven’t had time to do more substantial studies or art thanks to Zelda so I’m trying to make things less stressful for me.
I should make it a minimum of 1-2 posts a month during tight times like these. I’ve updated my Patreon to reflect this too.
Thank you for understanding!
I made a discord server but I can’t maintain it on my own so I’ll just let the empty server sit there until it’s needed & sustainable one day.
I’m still working today & I’m sleepy so I will take my time responding :’)