Tired

Poopity poop feeling. Trying to not get too grumpy and overwhelmed :<

Not sure if my iron deficiency anemia plays a huge part but I don’t know since my energy levels fluctuate in small amounts.

Also I accidentally published this blog post last week before it was ready so whoops! A small handful of you who are dedicated followers of this blog (thank you!) might have read a part of this post already!! Sorry I stuffed up :<

Yeah seems like I am out of it :’)

Little timelapse!

Double SLM today since I drew them at different times/moments but both have similar low, tired, sad vibes ;’)

I was also feeling very let down, hopeless, depressed and disappointed when I drew this one so I was just expressing myself.

SuperLeonieMode 358 / Low Mood

Gloominess, fatigue, existentialism and numbness comes in waves sometimes.

I’m okay, tired and neutral normally whereas feelings and levels of stress tend to go up and down at times.

And unfortunately I do have mood swings when my period comes around :’)

A lot of being patient and kind with myself and with processing my feelings – when I can manage and remember to in the moment that is.

Taking a 2 week birthday break!

Taking a posting break for the next two weeks around this time of the year since it’s going to be my birthday early next week.

Haven’t taken any week off yet this year (aside from the month of January)!

Testing this out where at least I take a break during all of January and two weeks around my bday! Two or so scheduled breaks a year?

And I need the break. I feel sad that I don’t have a strong art buffer so I need to work on that to keep the hamster art habit wheel going. I’m struggling to make time for art making – thanks to me stressing out about the brutal, strict course access and how I’m currently trying to go through all of that for the rest of this year. And life admin, scary molding shenanigans and cleaning up workspace clutter due to maintenance work. Plus I was worrying about my health last month and earlier this month.

It doesn’t help that I’m somewhat of an irritable, stressed out hypochondriac :’)

In some ways this isn’t a “proper” break because I’m not going anywhere and I’m not resting from doing art things :0

I have a pretty mundane, boring, simple life with stressful things getting in the way sometimes. I’m not a super social, active, adventurous person anyway. This is life for lots of us I suppose!

Also watched Turning Red and its behind the scenes Embracing the Panda recently

It was pretty entertaining, super great animation/acting/visuals/design/2000s nostalgia and generally enjoyed it! It left me with sad, mixed feelings since I relate to a lot with having chinese heritage/vietnamese immigrant parents, struggling/resisting/fighting/arguing/scapegoated to being the “perfect” daughter to carry on their dreams/opportunities/bidding, boy band ear worm songs (though I didn’t care much for boy band singers themselves because I don’t know them as people), romantically crushing on apathetic, unavailable, distant people who don’t care for your existence/appearance, making cringey/embarrassing/silly mistakes and messy puberty/growing up shenanigans.

But I don’t relate to the “ride or die” friendships nor the bold, brave, social and party stuff. This is because I’m an awkward, reserved, low energy, slow, overwhelmed and boring coward as a teen and even now. I’m super passive and invisible in groups in order to blend in, feel bored/drained at parties with strangers, I observe people as they are because I’m super guarded, overstimulated and cautious with social dynamics and appropriateness as an autistic person and I often conserve my limited, low energy unless I’m invested/interested/active/energised in something :<

The sadness, jadedness and mixed feelings is also due to the fact that my own complicated personal mother-daughter relationship will never get a “resolution” or shared understanding like the movie’s wholesome, ongoing “let’s work things out, compromise and grow together”.

Birthdays – trying to not think too much about getting older

It really highlights how one’s time in this world is limited. Scary too!

I don’t know how to feel about it.

We’re all aging day by day~! Shall continue to cherish the present moment! I keep reminding myself each year :’)

And I remain the living “the same” hermit lifestyle because I enjoy it that way – as long as I don’t compare myself and feel envious of other people’s complex lives and not focus on all the knowledge, vibes, charisma, experiences, skills, romantic stuff, friendships, opportunities, finances, career, food and things I lack!

Am I not doing the things and skills I’m “supposed” to have by now?? Probably :’)

Hey I’m still human! I do appreciate and feel grateful and lucky for the things I do have + I’m too busy juggling my own stuff to worry and stress too much about other people. I’m sure I’m not alone in this ;P

Ah and there’s the impending doom of more scary adult responsibilities that I dread but hey I’ll worry about that when the time comes. I don’t want to stress about things that haven’t happened yet. I don’t want my catastrophic, anxious part of my brain consume all of my emotional and mental energy. It’s a horrible void of emptiness, negativity and worst case scenarios that will never be satisfied and would leave me paralysed.

I didn’t dare put “birthday” at my main tweet and most social media posts to minimise the bday greetings! Only close people, people who read my blog and/or see my blog title and some colleagues will know! It makes it a bit more special and low key when people do care to remember and/or say something ;P

I did cave in and added “bday” to my blog title because I am making this break a regular thing around my birthday anyway and it changes my posting schedule so I won’t hide it at my own blog. My birthday is not really a secret for years anyway since I often blogged about it in past years – it’s more about keeping it discreet from social media because almost everyone forgets unless you remind them. It’s normal and I understand – I don’t remember for most people too and I don’t really care for nor celebrate birthday parties! It just means you’re not actively, genuinely and consciously part of their life either.

Birthdays for me are just an excuse to treat myself (and the people in my life I care about) to more things than usual haha. I am treating myself a bit more here and there with food and some art resources/supplies and recreation but I’ll remain as a shut-in so consequently food and recreational options are limited. Treating myself is a conscious thing where I have to decide what brings me joy and sometimes I don’t really know and feel absolutely lost! I am not a worldly person who is full of experiences and knowledge so I’m probably missing out of countless things! Ah well! Most of the time I just get what I want/need when the time comes or opt out/wait if it’s too expensive and/or too much effort? It depends and it can be spontaneous or planned :0

Anyway I’ll be off on my posting break trying to do more art, learn, juggle with life and whatnot!

I’ll catch you around on the 11th of July! Thank you for being here and please take care with your own juggling with life!

Let’s keep doing our best in the present moment. And take our time ♡◟ʕ•̀ᴥ•́✿ʔง

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