Portraits from imagination + Guts & Griffith(?) from Berserk

Since I watched SuperEyePatchWolf’s Why you Should still watch Berserk video and Lady Emily’s The Many Adaptations of Berserk at the time. I don’t think I have the heart and headspace to actually read it myself :<

Portraits from imagination + Strangers of Paradise characters

Terrible doodles from imagination

I did these before the course stress began :’)

Personal update about my physical and mental health

I didn’t think I would have personal updates again but they undoubtedly slithered their way back over time because I’m an isolated, sad soul who needs an outlet and this blog is always here for me haha

I believe I have alopecia areata on my head again (coin sized bald patch(es) & hair loss from stress?) The first time I had it was late 2018 during a big burn out and crunch at the time.

Anxiety from hair loss and the fear of becoming bald returns. So far it’s not really noticeable but I don’t want it to get worse. It’ll get better again…I hope :’)

And the hair loss could be because I have Iron-deficiency anemia, according to what the doctor concluded from my recent stressful blood test (thanks hard-to-get-to veins – I really don’t like needles nor blood tests :< )!

Yeah I need to eat red meat in my diet and have started taking prescribed iron supplements, need to manage my terrible sleep schedule and destress more somehow. No wonder I have deathly pale skin (lacking in red blood cells) and always have low energy/fatigue even when I’m trying to make 7 hours sleep a day happen more often :<

Unfortunately health check ups are not done – I need to get 3 different general cancer scans/tests (two of which I have to pay expensive out of pocket fees ouch) and a doctor visit to review results afterwards so I’m not looking forward all this! I guess this is a given with getting older. Doing and struggling with the 3rd test on my own stressed me out too. No these are not covid tests :’)

For the expensive two of them I can’t do it close to me so hermit Leonie has to navigate on how to get there next week and to work over this weekend to make up for being away. I’ll figure it out; it’s been a bunch of little mental hurdles and steps out of my homebody comfort zone!

All this just reminds me how I need to take care of myself better :’)

Anyhoo not going to scare myself for too long and stress about my health, mortality in general and shall take things day by day.

I’ll find out when the time comes.

It’s better to make the most of the present :’)

Rambling and reflecting as an autistic hermit

I really relate to someone talking about her life with ASD/autism spectrum from a hikikomori video I watched. I agree with her philosophy: stop changing and losing yourself to fit society, develop support & understanding from your coworkers/friends/loved ones and live your own hermit way! I liked that she also refused to have calls and does minimal meetings, opting for written briefs and communication to allow time for processing and thought.

Honesty, written communication, boundaries and making the work from home life work.

It sounds easy but it isn’t common :<

In terms of hermits, the video highlighted how we isolate ourselves because that’s how we feel the most safe, to not feel judged/condemned/dismissed/ignored/worthless/misunderstood for our personal struggles/differences and how we can survive.

I relate to that very much because I really don’t have to mask myself at all and feel comfortable and safe as a deadpan, lost in my thoughts kind of hermit. I often feel I couldn’t fit in nor know how I could even survive, function and even thrive in this world. I tunnel vision and become paralysed at the worst case scenarios my mind comes up with or from the heavy weight of uncertainty hanging over my head.

Then waves of hopelessness, dread and gloom washes over me for a while.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this as we’re all struggling with our own situations :’)

For those new here, I have tried to fit in early in my life and have always failed under the mainstream structure/system/social dynamic, lost my sense of self/worth/meaning/joy, built up too much resentment & envy, felt like I was slowly destroying myself, was always tense, anxious, drained and quiet and couldn’t keep up with the facade/persona for 6-7 years and probably 3-5+ more years to a lesser extent as I was learning, struggling and figuring myself out.

I don’t want to go back to that kind of life if I had the choice.

Sure back then I was out of my comfort zone, did what I had to do to find work and friends and met people at the time but they didn’t really meet *me* but an overly friendly, exaggerated, masked version of me that I just can’t keep up. So when I’m too mentally, physically and emotionally drained from the initial social greeting/conversation and revert back to my quiet, expressionless, usual self it looks like I’m acting hot/cold and consequently I alienate people. That and how I also need time and space to recover. I’ve rambled plenty about this before – gosh I’m repetitive too haha

Now I try to show up being usually reserved, low energy with narrow interests and that it’s not personal :’)

I’m not too fussed about fitting in. There’s more important things to worry about ;P

Perhaps being made redundant for not being a good fit – or for genuine company/project (out of my control) reasons are a good thing, as much as the fear of “being kicked off the bus” is always there at the back of my mind. I’m super grateful and lucky that I can work on my own terms at the moment.

I feel like all I can do is learn, make art and share my art and journey. I do enjoy it while the mental side of things with the doubts, fears, burn out, growing pains and anxiety can be a challenge to manage. You know, the usual existential crisis ;P

Digressing: I am slowing down and just posting what I can on a weekly or so basis while I’m juggling all this life stuff and going through overwhelming amounts of course content. Baby steps!

Thank you for understanding and for reading!

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