SuperLeonieMode 352 / When you fall into existential emptiness and silence + timelapse
SuperLeonieMode: I don’t really know if I like being asked this question
Not sure how to answer this so I default to “okay” as that’s more socially appropriate.
And can’t really articulate what I’m feeling immediately. Do I even know what I feel? Am I numb?
Because I’m usually neutral. Not really thinking of anything coherent. Or zoning out.
Or reflecting over things. Or just being with my floating/drifting thoughts. Or hiding my anxiety.
Or just not really feeling anything strong. Muted emotions?
At times I’m thinking about life choices. Being existential.
I’m not sure whether I’m comfortable or have built trust enough to honestly share my own shenanigans and other times I don’t care and share a bit anyway (before putting up my guard up again because that’s usually what people do with and it can get too emotionally scary, intense and vulnerable) :‘)
Am I okay?
I’m grateful for the things I do have. Tired, sore back, painful jaw, sleep deprived and everything aches but more self aware since I track what things I manage to do (like keeping up with exercise and questioning if I’m doing it wrong ahhh)!
I feel like I’m floating in auto pilot from day to day and other times I’m actually engaged in the moment. It depends on my head space, emotional and energy levels and current focus.
Generally a bunch of mixed feelings about my life, art, people, things and world events to say the least. Things are manageable (well if I keep adjusting, adapting and vent about it if I need to). Things could be better. Always trying to not let my traumas, trust issues, limited perspective and past negative emotional experiences affect the present – well within the limits of my willpower and tolerance with facing disrespect, disappointment, disregard, ghosting, isolation, being left in the dark, being low in priority, abusive talk and rejection. Sometimes emotions lead to impulsive decisions too. Striving to speak up if I feel I have a solution I can go by and if I feel like I would be listened to and considered.
Still very important to reflect, acknowledge and listen to your own heart, health and needs – however incoherent and shaky they may be right now. Be your own best friend that looks after, cares and roots for you and your efforts.
They say that you’re not alone and that’s true. But I do agree that doesn’t help me feel any less lonely. I’m still left to my own devices to deal and manage with it like anybody else. And indulge in different forms of escapism ;P
Ah mental health can be complex, fickle and definitely involves ongoing trial and error :’)
Do ask yourself if you’re really okay too and take care of yourself accordingly.
If you’re struggling, don’t blame yourself for it. Make the most of mutual moral support from good people if you have that.
And if you don’t, you got yourself that will always be by your side. For better or for worse since you can be your worst critic and can fall into addictive forms of escapism to cope.
And if you don’t really believe in yourself (like I do with myself), then trust in the process and the efforts you’ve made and not the expectations, destination, results and dreams that always feel out of reach. If you’re not putting any effort now, let yourself take a recovery break or push yourself to do something else or a new hobby for a while.
But what do I know, this might not apply or work for you.
I don’t know if it’s working even for me but it’s self reassurance at the least :’)
Thanks for the couple of you who still read my blog!
Again it really feels like pulling teeth if I wanted people to read personal, rambly blogs. It’s not really packaged in a “valuable” way so to speak. It’s saddening and disappointing at times.
Ultimately my main purpose for this blog still remains as a place for me to ramble, reflect and document my art and journey. Again I’m not trying to cater for an audience in particular because I’m talking to myself (and an invisible, imaginary reader) as I write.
I keep repeatedly reminding myself to not get carried away and influenced by what I see famous artists are doing to build their audience – I should focus on my art first-most. My blog is for me and for the small handful who care and are curious.
That’s why I have a twitter bot for blog updates so people who do want timely tweets about this blog can get them while those who just want my art tweets can get them at my main account. I did get indecisive countless times on whether I should post studies at my secondary account instead but the line gets blurred between art vs blog posts and it’ll be more confusing if I did it that way :<
Of course there’s the weekly email updates list below for those who don’t want to depend on social media ;D
Digressing! That’s my mental headspace whenever I blog – I keep my expectations super low (because short attention spans are real) and shall keep rambling ;’P