SLM340 / Me and my little Leonies! They’re all me!!

When I can’t really express how I’m feeling through words, through my awkward body language and my deadpan facial expression :’)

People can’t tell what I’m feeling in the moment especially when I don’t give the socially appropriate visual and verbal feedback. This is where masking (performing socially appropriate behaviour) comes into play to compensate with people I haven’t warmed up to, at the risk of having to keep up the persona forever or looking like I’m going hot and cold + being two-faced. Lots of people do this to a degree unless (perhaps) they’re with close, trusted friends and loved ones.

Sometimes it’s a complicated, tangled, bittersweet mess of feelings for me.

Or it’s just existential emptiness.

Or in some cases, I let the feelings out in the moment.

Feelings come and then they go. Sometimes they take over, sometimes they linger and won’t leave, sometimes they’re gone as soon as they’ve been acknowledged and so on.

Generally I need time to process and reflect upon it (like what I do in my blog posts sometimes). Usually I have to logically think and rationalise things through with how I would be feeling and how others would be feeling. I tend to dwell and overthink on things I don’t understand and that includes a lot of human interactions when they’re super subtle, mixed, complex and confusing!

People (including myself since I’m playing the socially acceptable game and not wanting to be rejected/abandoned thanks to experiencing a long history and trauma of it) don’t want to say what they really mean and we dance around the elephant in the room after all. It’s frustrating when things don’t feel authentic (within reasonable social boundaries and trust).

As an autistic alien I don’t naturally mind read or feel exactly how others would be feeling (since I don’t know people’s background information and perspective), let alone being able to discern my own mixed feelings. I would sense something is off and that I’m getting mixed signals, actions and feelings but I won’t dig into someone’s mental state because it’s not socially appropriate nor respectful with boundaries to do so.

In rare cases where I am not anxious around people – I get too comfortable, forget my previous social/external experiences and forget to hide that I don’t really care about social norms and social hierarchy but hey that’s me I guess ;P

Originally I cared about what others think of me because of my own lack of self awareness and now I’m learning to care less for the sake of my mental health. It’s a difficult balance to manage!!

With interpreting others’ expressions and feelings: at best I can make educated guesses if I know someone well, then get it wrong anyway, ask about it without being too judgmental and invasive (or I just give them space if we haven’t reached that level of trust & respect) and with the benefit of the doubt – trust what people say if it matches with their history of actions and behaviour (integrity).

That said, I don’t want to assume that I know or understand how people are feeling (since I do get it wrong and I don’t have the full picture), people are fickle and make mistakes, people don’t change their habits/ways and sometimes the logic & empathetic approach of “putting myself into someone else’s shoes” actually transfers, ending with me having some of the mixed feelings too.

I do believe I am super sensitive (to the best of my ability, awareness and interest while being socially oblivious to everything else) so when there’s a degree of negative emotions on display (even when someone is positive for the majority of the time), I sense the underlying negative, uncomfortable emotions, awkwardness, emotional walls and micro-expressions. If there’s a consistent pattern, I take it personally, trust my gut feeling and keep away :’)

Hey it means that they’re not comfortable and don’t have much to say around me. And perhaps my trust issues and own emotional walls get in the way as I take years/ages to get around it on an individual, case by case basis. I want things to be mutual, enjoyable, clear with intentions and stress-free if we were to hang around each other (which is not often the case in reality) ;P

If things and feelings change then it’s time to unfortunately let go.

One of the (flawed) ways I go about it is to not even bother with eye contact and facial expressions and focus on what people are saying and doing (it’s less confusing as I don’t get all of the mixed signals) :S Eye contact is too much for me and I avoid it most of the time when I don’t bother masking.

Am I sensitive or am I tactless?

Presumptuous or emotionally avoidant in nature?

All of above probably.

I don’t really want to play along when someone is clearly putting up a happy, polite, pleasant facade when they’re not feeling okay. It’s too much mind gymnastics and it’s emotionally draining for me to also fake along with them or feel obligated/pressured to be their emotional support on the spot :<

This is another reason I don’t enjoy small talk and most social media interactions because it usually doesn’t go anywhere meaningful or honest – I just feel even more disconnected and isolated because of how performative it can get. But socially you’re not supposed to see people as they are because it’s socially inappropriate, they understandably want to escape and they feel uncomfortable when you see and attend to their real mixed, vulnerable feelings and they don’t want to deal with their own swirling, complex mental state all the time. I’m no mental health professional either so I’m out of my depth too! All I can do is listen if the friendship and emotional connection is well established enough.

So I give up trying to connect with them, respect and accept what people say at face value and as they are as individuals but I won’t play along with their happy facade and emotional walls for too long. I just lose interest and I don’t want to emotionally drain myself pretending :’)

Yes it’s probably another reason I have few friends ;P

Anyhoo I was running out of distinct colours and I am (always?) wondering about my art style. I want to keep iterating so I’ll keep playing. Art frustration; it continues!

Goodness I’m still making these little personal illustrations/comics documenting my thoughts when I feel like it! I still have some ideas but in the future I’ll stop indefinitely and take this off my plate again. Not sure if I’ll quit for good one day, I’ll just leave it vague as I have tried quitting before :’)

Eventually I hope to focus more on posting art than rambling too much (and if I can actually do that, that’s another matter haha)

Animal Crossing birthday celebrations with Marina, Egbert and Pietro! My wholesome digital friends. It’s the same as last year but playing it again just for the little birthday party was super nice and bittersweet. I don’t play it anymore though :’)

My birthday was approximately over a week ago!!

I intentionally took a week’s break from internet posting during this time.

Yes I hid away, keeping things subtle and am generally and somewhat burnt out regularly ;P

I just wanted to dedicate my time doing other things and sit with with my mixed feelings as my actual “treat myself time” instead of seeking social media to fill my void of loneliness, stress, disconnect, disappointment, jadedness, hopelessness, despair and feeling irrelevant, forgotten and left behind ;P

It all gets magnified during and around this arbitrary age milestone.

Why do/did I care when birthdays aren’t too important? Life is more about doing my own thing and maybe I’ll have good, understanding, kind company to spend time with and depend on regularly. At best it is an excuse to spend time/interact with good peeps (if it happens) and eat good food! :<

Ah well, accepting that it’s my way of life I suppose.

I actually deleted most of this personal essay as I should probably keep most of my blunt expression of feelings private. It was nice to write it all out and then delete it so I can move on though! I “should” be keeping myself neutral and indifferent. I “should” be used to this by now. Why did I get my hopes up for something special/different if I just end up feeling let down and disappointed by my own situation and interactions? Gah in some ways I sound spoiled, selfish and whiny :<

Ultimately it’s not about other people, it’s on my mindset :’)

Anyhoo I don’t want to focus, mope and dwell too much on it. Next year I’ll try to be more brief and discreet about my birthday, if I decide to talk about it again.

I’m not quite there with having a healthy headspace and life situation so I have a way to go! Not sure when and how things will change either. I’ll just keep managing it!

Ah I don’t want to deal with birthday wishes on twitter and social media so I didn’t mention it and kept it here. Hoping I can avoid/minimise it so please don’t bring it up over there! If it actually happens in spite of my wishes, I’ll refrain from responding :S

It was difficult trying to keep the day/week free from art related shenanigans because my work schedule has changed (for now I believe), I worked a lot and it all left my original plans not feasible. I couldn’t really take things easy and my fluctuating sleep schedule shall continue.

Leonie works in intense bursts of overtime and then rests a lot to recover. I’m leaning into that and am trying to batch things together where possible so I can switch gears less and go with my flow/zone better.

Yeah I’m tired most of the time. Juggling life, art, work, learning and whatnot as usual :’)

And on being another year older:

I don’t know how I feel about it yet. As you may know I’m wayyy behind with what’s socially expected of adults & “milestones” and I haven’t cared about that for years. I’m a low energy, ignorant hermit after all.

As much as I feel lonely, frustrated, existential, misunderstood and confused sometimes, I’m more focused on what I’m doing in the present and in the near future.

Don’t worry – for now I’m feeling indifferent and better since I’ve had time to process things and I can’t get any more complicated feelings and disappointed when my birthday milestone is long over ;P

Thank you for reading my mixed bag of sappy feeelings as I process and reflect upon them :’)

I’ll keep juggling and doing what I can in stride so I hope you do too!

I hope you have good company, stay safe and please enjoy today and the week ahead!

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