Fanart / Sephiroth portraits + LeonieUpdate!

In this little LeonieUpdate:

  • Process steps for the Sephie illustration!
  • LeonieUpdate, notes on time anxiety, daily schedule, existential life questions and more!

Initial sketches!

Sketch pass 2

Lineart pass 1: I didn’t like how this turned out and I took a break ;P

Lineart pass 2; doing it again

Close up of the smirk! 😏✨

2nd close up of the frown! 😠✨

“Remember me through your pain.”


You shall know despair. Pathetic. Come at me.

What an eyesore. [目障りだ]

Die. [殺し]

I will usher you as many times as you want. [何度でも導いてやろう。]

Come on. [来るがいい]

Disintegrate into stardust. [星に帰れ]

– some lines from Super Smash Bros. Ultimate

I did this when I was learning how to draw Sephiroth ;D

My little LeonieUpdate and vent!

Reading threads like this where autistic peeps lose their jobs makes me sad and reflects why I struggle with most of my previous jobs. How all kinds of people have horrible communication skills but neurodiverse people get blamed for not acting “normal”, miscommunication and not catching the subtle “hints”. I’m oblivious a lot of the time when things aren’t explicitly stated :<

I’m super tired of white lies, people pretending they’re not rejecting/bored/avoiding/dismissive of you (when they are, drawing it out unnecessarily, keeping silent and making it worse), people ignoring/forgetting what matters to me, keeping you at an emotional distance and people dancing around the important topics/issues. Especially this is the case when expectations for honesty and communication were established early but are ignored. I can’t keep giving second chances and the benefit of the doubt; it’s emotionally exhausting when it’s a pattern. I just lose respect and trust altogether and feel I’m being deluded, mislead and played.

At least I know their actions don’t match their words, that they’re acquaintances, super casual friends or even strangers after all and I can move on; it’s a good thing in hindsight! ;P Most of us are not direct and avoid confrontation too which all makes it harder to manage my trust issues, rejection sensitivity and silly hurt ego :’) At times I take ages to realise someone doesn’t connect on the same page because they don’t really tell me nor establish their boundaries :<

Why do lots of neurotypical people expect people to mind read as well as they do? It leaves me always second guessing their point of view and intentions with lots of anxiety. In turn, they don’t bother nor actually communicate well upfront with details and clarity (let alone genuinely accommodate others).

Moving on to non-verbal/textual communication: my deadpan expression and tendency to zone out makes people uncomfortable. But pretending and masking as my friendly persona too much is exhausting and gives people a false and hot/cold impression of me. That’s not me, as much as I do it to survive with other people until I know I feel safe and can trust being around them (there’s probably a lot of ups and downs because I’m never sure) :/

I’m drained being around other people (headphones help sometimes with open offices but I can’t deal with it anymore) so working from home is the only way that doesn’t exhaust my energy as much.

Mentioning I’m an autistic and what that looks like helps a bit? I’m not too great articulating my needs in a timely manner though as I’m always slow, processing, testing and figuring out my personal boundaries.

The world is made for the majority; I definitely struggle with it and feel like an outcast who takes ages to trust someone. Feels somewhat disappointing and empty to say the least.

And here’s another good read: Time anxiety: How to deal with the feeling that you never have enough time. Here’s some notes:

  • Anxiety comes from things like:
    • being stressed, lacking time, overwhelm
    • future what ifs? Overthinking through possibilities
    • existential with the limited life you have
  • To manage time anxiety:
    • acknowledge time cannot be controlled and all you can control is the now and future
    • ask what “time well spent” means to you?
      • what a good day looks like and what puts you in a state of flow?
      • how do you feel healthy and active?
      • what pushes your mind in a good way?
      • who do you love spending time with?
      • what hobbies/restful activities do you truly enjoy?
    • how most people have at best 2.5 hours of truly productive time a day
    • how you cannot stretch time just so you could do your to do list
    • make space and just do the things that matter,
    • not wait for motivation,
    • cut out time wasters and distractions that add to your stress and anxiety
    • practice making choices based on current criteria and not about getting maximum benefits and perfect decisions (more stress and anxiety)
  • I think accepting limitations, allowing myself to stuff up, get irrationally grumpy sometimes and not trying to be perfect has been a huge relief for me

How to Craft the Perfect Daily Schedule

  • to schedule your energy levels and not your time
    • I think I’m a night owl, who strives to wake early too :’)
    • if I was to map my energy levels:
      • I’m half awake then alert in the mornings (low energy),
      • get sleepy in the late afternoons (low energy/slump, troughs, recovery),
      • then gain some energy again through the night (rebound, peak)
    • my morning times tend to be when I’m most stressed on autopilot
      • juggling housework and food shenanigans,
      • posting a blog out there,
      • checking emails and communication
      • my mind usually would be too scattered to do focused work
      • I would argue this is my recovery time as I’m half awake
    • then I recover, chill with the internet and settle down during my afternoons and start some work
      • so it’s probably a mix of rebound and recovery time
    • at night I can focus with deep work properly with minimal interruptions (a mix of rebound and peak time)
  • productive ways to take a break, not looking at the screen
    • (I feel called out because I do look at the screen)!!
    • microbreaks every 25 – 60 minutes
      • every 20 minutes, look into the distance 6+ metres for 20 seconds
      • drink water
      • stand up and stretch
    • moving breaks every 1 – 2 hours
      • 5 minute walk
      • office yoga or push ups or bodyweight exercises
    • social breaks 1 – 2 times a day
      • call, walk, catch up with a friend
    • mindfulness breaks
      • meditate the right way for you
      • controlled, slow, deep breathing through the belly 5 times for 45 seconds
  • good 20 -30 minute nap during moments of low energy in a dark & quiet place
    • this one helps me sometimes when I need an afternoon nap; the danger is oversleeping if I don’t set an alarm :’)
  • track energy levels (there’s a tracker worksheet in the article)
  • day theming as some days are more manager focused or maker/creative focused
  • you can do work during trough/recovery hours (which I do often)
  • there is no perfect schedule as life happens
  • know when to take a relaxing break when you’re not productive anyway (this means you need recharging)
    • go with your biological energy rhythms

How to figure out what to do with your life – Thomas Frank

Where one questions themselves: is work satisfying?

What is life’s meaning?

He talks about pursuing what interests you now; it’s more about traits and qualities of work not the career as a whole.

How work satisfaction needs:

  • autonomy = control over time and actions
  • competence = feel skilled in your work
  • relatedness = feeling the connection and being respected by your group/team, being loved and important in personal relationships

And qualities:

  • are you building or maintaining something?
    • yeah I need to build and creative new things or else I get bored
  • are you using your current skills or learning new ones/tools?
  • how much creative autonomy do you have?
    • how many decisions in your work do you get to make?
    • or are you simply doing what clients what you want to do?
    • having control over the content you make and it’s fulfilling
  • interaction with others
    • the raw amount interaction with people?
    • type of relationships – are you interacting with a client that wants to be there? Or coworkers? Or audience?
    • teaching/tutoring is not for me
    • I enjoy doing solitary blog posts and then sharing it with the world more
    • making videos/podcasts are okay, just time consuming and I’m not interested doing those right now
  • level of authority over other people
    • do you want to manage other people or just do your own work
    • I don’t; I just want to create
  • do you like being in the spotlight?
    • or you enjoy being behind the scenes? (yes)
    • do you need credit or not?
      • (yes, I don’t want to be ignored and overlooked just because I’m quiet)
    • need to keep ego in check
      • self worth is not defined by approval and one should raise other people too
  • work – life balance?
    • personal life vs work life, family and friends? Commute? Time? Relationships? Home base?
  • how do you know what to do with your life
    • passion is hard to know without trying things out
    • need to experience things that excites you
    • what work traits and qualities resonates with you?
  • be observant, journal, think, build skills and figure out things as you go along

Interesting finds: shenanigans!

Thank you so much for reading!!

I’ve been exhausted all last week.

I hope you have a good Monday and rest of the week! (:

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