Otter riding with Scott! Giftart for his recent bday! 😀

Happy birthday to my buddy again!! Also here’s a cute baby otter video Scott shared with me! 😀

Illustration / Another otter!! 😊🍰

Giftart of gratitude for Scott! ;D

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Little LeonieUpdate!

Going to minimise checking twitter as art twitter discourse is exhausting, lacking nuance and depressing :’)

• DidYouKnowGaming’s Indie Games Facts (Cave Story, Undertale, Terraria, Crawl + More)
• Autism and Situational Mutism (when words don’t work!)
  • this is one of the reasons why I’m quiet; I’m already zombie mode
  • I get too drained and I get into energy preservation mode
  • so I feel the opposite when people have the energy to hang out with people after working all day!
  • I can’t I’d want to retreat back to my hermit island
• Anna Akana’s powerful video 6 Asian Women Have Been Murdered.
• Thomas Frank’s The 10 Best Chrome Extensions for Productivity
  • blocking twitter’s “what’s trending now” is sweeeeet!!
    • so good and less drama!!
    • I shall be an ignorant person under a rock; taking more control in what I consume on the internet :’)
  • News Feed Eradicator for Facebook is also for reddit, twitter, youtube, linked in too!!
    • it’s so weird seeing my “recommended videos” empty; its great for blocking videos when needed or when avoiding spoilers!! :0
    • I’m too used to Youtube’s recommends and going into rabbit holes though so I’m not blocking youtube’s stuff yet :’)
• Autism Trauma and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) – What’s The Overlap?
  • for me it’s definitely complex trauma with self beliefs
    • worthlessness, shame, guilt, feeling diminished
    • difficulties in expressing emotions (as regulation is too much at times)
    • difficulties in sustaining relationships and feeling close with others
    • sometimes I second guess myself and doubt whether people are just being “nice & friendly” or actually being genuine and consistent with their intentions
    • I probably end up looking like I’m silently judging people as I struggle and/or fail to read non subtle cues (which is 70-90% of the communication)
    • in turn I’m probably pushing people away because of my wariness and because I need space and not feel obligated/pressured
  • in terms of the overlap between autism and PTSD I do relate with:
    • the struggle with social communication/interaction
      • feeling alien around humans
      • self isolation to avoid social interactions, stigma, misunderstandings, judgement
    • struggle with feeling overwhelmed & emotional dysregulation
      • high anxiety levels leading to outbursts (which happens occasionally when I get too stressed out)
      • strain on the body (which is why I have jaw muscle pain among other things)
      • so I’m usually stressed and anxious when I go outside of my hermit cave and usual routine :’)
    • self soothing behaviour (stimming)
      • I do stim but I don’t think about it and am not too self aware ;D
    • seeking predictability and control
    • restricted or avoidant behaviours from sensory issues and things that cause anxiety and emotional drain
    • hyper vigilance around environmental triggers
      • planning, avoiding social things and crowds
    • obsessive thoughts/behaviours/interests, concentration and attention
      • executive function and concentration for things out of my comfort zone, skills, interests and abilities is hard
  • disassociation and derealisation
    • OOH! Growing up and with my childhood I’ve always felt like an observer of my own life, rather than a participant :’)
    • I feel so detached from my own life, let alone with most people
    • and there’s times I’m being in the present, tunnel vision into things and get in a state of flow
  • stress/survival disorder to things leads us to struggle with socialising, relaxing, connecting and communicating!! True :0!!
    • yeah most people usually keep a distance from me as they sense I’m different from them
  • video also explains where autism and trauma doesn’t overlap
  • what on earth is a healthy autistic person???
    • they still stim and manages sensory things
    • have passions and interests that fuel them in a positive way
    • “autistically social” in their own way
      • not too much eye contact, not verbally respond sometimes
        • yes people’s eyes are distracting ;P
      • loves connection, empathic
        • when I’m comfortable, yes
      • shuts down and recharge
        • (yes I zone out and can’t focus anymore)
      • mental and emotional wounds to heal from (yeap)
      • acting in socially appropriate and individual ways ??
      • being aware of your own coping mechanisms
    • I think I’m managing my autism alright; it’s just who I am so I don’t know any better ;P
  • safety, trustworthiness, choice, collaboration, empowerment are recommended to tackle complex interpersonal trauma and to get back the sense of security, respect, autonomy, boundaries
    • we’re all just coping our own ways
    • “we’re all our own expert at our own lives”
    • it’s best to support each other and meet each other halfway
  • I think the “passive observer of your own life” thing and being accepted for my weird, limited way of socialising makes me feel less alone and allows me to articulate how I may explain all this to someone I talk to one day
    • aside from saying I’m autistic, I haven’t explained it further in person before; I’d rather people come to their own conclusions and I’m always learning and changing at my own pace
• binged through some asian american skits by Steven He
  • oof the insults, judgements and put downs by parents hits hard
• An Asexual’s Favorite Love Story – A Bloom Into You Retrospective
  • reassuring video for me! I think I’m not sure or fully understand what I am at the moment
  • at best I’m somewhere:
    • an alloromantic ace
    • demiromantic ace,
    • bellusromantic ace (since I do want romantic, affectionate things but not too sure about an actual romantic relationship/commitment),
    • aegosexual and aegoromantic (but then again, I’m inexperienced and don’t know how it’s like to be with somebody so how would I know)
    • and I’m probably lithromantic to some extent?
  • I also enjoy romantic fiction from the sidelines with and getting wholesome vibes :’)
  • I don’t know, there’s so many labels as much as it clarifies some things and keeps most confusing and vague :’)
  • sometimes I prefer my feelings not being reciprocated (because they won’t feel the same anyway) to keep myself safe and not change how I live my life
    • at the same time I do want my feelings respected and I fantasise about the impossible reciprocation as a form of temporary escapism so maybe I do somewhat and I’m just emotionally hurting myself ;P
  • a domestic platonic relationship sounds nice too; I want deep connection and don’t care for the sexual stuff
  • food for thought indeed and I accept that I don’t know anymore and I’ll keep evolving
  • digressing; I shall focus on my few friendships as usual!
• Karsten Runquist’s my love letter to animal crossing
• Ordinary Things’ How Exams Ruined Your Life
• Super Eyepatch Wolf’s The Bizarre World of Fake Psychics
  • how they prey on vulnerable, desperate people
• Veritasium’s This is why we can’t have nice things on planned obsolescence
• mklachu’s Katamari Damacy Intro – Otamatone Cover

Thank you so much for reading!

For me it’s been a stressful mixed bag in the past week and this week hopefully will be a bit better. I’m constantly tired :’)

May you have a good week ahead and stay safe! (:

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