Illustration / My entry to SamsA’s DrawThisInYourStylechallenge + LeonieUpdate!

In this little LeonieUpdate:

  • Process for this redraw art challenge
  • Personal update, ramble about platonic friendships and interesting finds!

Initial sketch: I’m just getting used to drawing their character. I don’t know :<

2nd sketch: attempt to figure out how I want to stylise it and not liking it

3rd sketch: figuring out proportions, composition and shapes and still not liking it

4th sketch: I don’t know if I like it and if it appeals to me but I felt like it was close enough?? I don’t feel happy with it but I had to commit and figure more out along the way.

Final illustration for my entry to SamsA’s DrawThisInYourStyle 1k challenge [original here]!

I don’t know this artist but I stumbled upon it and it looked like a fun challenge to do with all the water hair effects and colours! If I wanted to do it seriously, I think I need to actually study water at my own pace to prepare myself for water rendering. When and if I get to that; maybe one day ;D

The challenge itself was fun! I actually finished this during early October but due to scheduling conflicts and the fact that I didn’t mind not winning prizes, I opted to post it way later instead. Anyhoo, it just shows I have much more to learn, study and that I need to keep exploring with my art :’)

Little LeonieUpdate & interesting finds!

Hello, just a little update! Striving to do better with when I go to sleep, working on this month’s podcast, working on an art buffer, have things to start learning once freelance work goes dry and making sure I don’t exhaust and overwhelm myself too much :’) Hey, it’s the usual! Hello there! ;D

  • Four out of ??? rats/mice caught (not by me) and I think the rest of them are around but not directly in the way anymore :0 There’s still some toxic poop not fully cleaned out 🙁
  • watched a bunch of The Dark Pictures: Little Hope
    • it’s really janky, crashes at some parts and the environments are limited! It’s still engaging to watch for the most part. Sad too :<
  • I actually posted things with my old reddit account; I think I’m posting at the right places! Though I might not post at the general comic and wholesome comic subreddits next time because I’m buried deep among many comics and it doesn’t seem like I’m resonating :<
  • Awkwafina plays her favorite Nintendo Switch games
    • sweet and how did she get that high turnip price?!! I guess Toad cosplay is a thing D:
    • I got Zucker from my Nook mile island hunts and I’m a time traveler now because I want to get flower hybrids going and I don’t want to play it everyday ;P
    • I think I’m one of the only few people who still plays this game because I am stubborn and have loose ends to finish
  • The Metaphors of Rurouni Kenshin | Video Essay by Accented Cinema
    • some Japanese history and politics too
  • Networking Magic & Business Cards: The Gathering – Ceri Hutton‘s GCAP20 talk
    • super aware, blunt and good advice!
    • unfortunately I’m too overwhelmed at social group things to even have the headspace to be casual and genuinely interested :’)
  • Cute Kirby things: animated short and food
  • Autistic Women: Why is This Still Challenged?
    • great discussion on the history on autism and why women aren’t diagnosed as much
    • YES! Autistic burnout (how constantly masking and acting normal causes depression, loss of self and mental health issues)
      • this is what I’ve experienced so much, am trying to unlearn and minimise! :’)
    • it feels great to accept my autism (:
  • SFX SONGS by Louie Zong from sound effects & voice clips of video games!
  • Wind OrchestraThe Legend of Zelda ; Breath of the Wild

Listened to the perspective by someone (a public figure) who’s lonely and struggles to make platonic friends because boundaries are pushed and not respected

  • with a lot of scary, abusive, stalkerish, creepy, manipulative behaviour going on, it’s not only men and there’s been people who have been “playing the long game” too.
    • She doesn’t know who to trust because all she wanted/wants was friendship and she needs an indefinite break from her past unhealthy relationships
    • She constantly gets unwanted, irrational, romantic and sexual attraction (from those who are starved of genuine acceptance and emotional intimacy and because of their societal conditioning) regardless of how clear with expectations and boundaries she was from the beginning (there’s much more nuance, background and detail but it’s not for me to discuss)
  • in terms of what I took away from it, I think I have struggled on both sides to smaller degrees (and I probably reflected about this several times before but I’m revisiting it because her story gave me a lot of food for thought )
  • on one hand, I am a hermit with few friends so when I happen to befriend someone I’m initially, vaguely interested and/or romantically attracted to as a person and when they seem to be friendly and kind in return, I catch deeper feelings :’)
    • I usually just let the crush/feelings be and get to know them as people and a friend instead.
      • Because over time, they usually demonstrate how they don’t feel the same and are emotionally unavailable and incompatible as a friend or anything beyond that. I don’t have much hopes ;P
      • I’m not playing ‘the long game’; if it doesn’t work out (which probably is the case), so be it
      • I’ll just manage the feelings, put them aside and let them fade on its own
    • hey just because you have a romantic crush, it doesn’t mean you act on them ;P
      • especially when they consistently keep away and don’t really try to dedicate time to talk/respond to you, that’s a huge sign they don’t even want your company ;’)
      • and especially so when they refer to you as a friend too! It’s clear they don’t see you beyond that. And casual friendship is still good (:
      • and it’s a crush which involves irrational feelings because of the good things, attributes and qualities you selectively see about someone
    • I value the connection and I respect their personal space more than my feelings, especially when logically I cannot see compatibility, companionship nor a future with them anyway
    • still my keenness to get to know them better seeps through and sometimes that in itself scares people away so they reject and ghost me; whoops!
      • It means I unintentionally stepped over their boundaries or subtle signs of disinterest so I give them space and move on (however hurt and sensitive I may feel. I’d rather know the truth early than feel betrayed, even more hurt, confused and mislead later on)
      • downside of that is that I don’t know how nor want to interact with them when they later decide to initiate and be friendly again :S
    • this rejection/ghosting happens with friendships too when I want to intensely get to know someone and talk about deep topics but they’re not at my same pace or level of interest :’)
      • I get the sense that they’re not interested in me as a friend and that’s okay
      • the hurt, disrespect, disappointment, resentment and mixed feelings are valid though
    • in these cases, I sense that I just admire them for their good parts but I don’t know their flaws and know them as complex people (hence me wanting to know and understand more while learning and respecting their boundaries)
      • initially I’m just attracted to the things I admire about them and I’m not really close enough to them to understand them as 3 dimensional people with wants and feelings
    • a lot of managing emotions, focusing on why I admire them, what I can learn from that to be better for myself and keeping them at an emotional distance
    • friendships can be tricky too and brings up personal insecurities
      • for instance when I see my few friends enjoying time with their many closer loved ones and friends (i.e. they seem like they’re dating a lot or doing many outgoing things with people), I used to feel like I’m missing out and that I’m not important nor good company for them
      • it doesn’t bother me much anymore because I’ve accepted how things are, shall keep doing my own solitary thing and I’m simply happy they’re enjoying themselves in a fulfilling way (:
    • I guess I need to remember to accept that for most people, friends are people you keep at an arm’s distance and you should not get too emotionally close and keep things casual? Else it gets misconstrued as a developing relationship if expectations and boundaries of friendship are not regularly and mutually agreed upon and understood as things change
      • so keeping in contact once every several days? Once a week? Once a month? Once every several months? Or once a year or several years? Everyone’s boundaries and expectations differ, evolve and it depends on the connection. I feel it’s best to talk about it openly and honestly along the way
      • It feels tricky to balance for me because I want to be able to open up a bit, enjoy the company and talk about both deep/meaningful and mundane/casual topics whenever we catch up, otherwise I don’t feel I could connect with them as friends :<
      • if there isn’t regular, mutual effort, honesty, communication, trust and investment, I lose interest and grow indifferent eventually
      • I need some form of consistency with interactions (at a slow, natural pace) or it just becomes distant, unpredictable and confusing especially when you’re not really involved in each other’s lives
  • on the other hand, I have had unwanted romantic/sexual attraction before and it makes me super uncomfortable, unsafe, avoidant and scared
    • especially with men; there have been instances where I just wanted to be friendly acquaintances and didn’t have any romantic attraction but they took my friendliness as flirting and creeped me out :<
    • some guys who give me bad, uncomfortable vibes – the quiet, creepy, shiny eyed staring, being treated as if you’re not a real, complex human being, how they’re always around you, push your boundaries, acting “nice” while counting all the things they’ve done for you and don’t give you personal physical space
      • these memories are from years ago and I’m not keen on being seen and treated like an object, person on a pedestal or emotional vending machine :<
    • general fear for my own safety is a big, important thing in my mind too
    • and the guys who are (or acting like) players; I keep away because I don’t want to fall into that mess or feel like I’m being used, love-bombed, ghosted, hurt and discarded! There was a time where I was drawn to someone like that and I had to keep myself away when I realised what was happening, how it didn’t feel right and I was afraid.
    • this is just a small number of men over the course of my little quiet life (years ago when I haven’t been a hermit) who actually took some initiative
      • if there were/are men and people who have been crushing on me, I don’t know – I am oblivious, unaware and probably in denial of it :0
      • I don’t read subtlety well, will usually deny it and reframe it as “nah it’s not really the case, they treat other people the same (or better) and I’m just a flawed human being”.
      • consequently I don’t think I’ve been hit on in recent years at all; I sense and assume most of the time people are keeping me at an emotional distance also and/or just being friendly
      • I don’t really know
    • I’m low level afraid (to moderately afraid) of befriending guys in general; if they’re in a relationship and/or emotionally unavailable to me then I feel somewhat safer to be friends with them
      • I’m also wary of people “playing the long game” with me too. But I don’t want this worry and fear of ulterior motives/intentions hinder me too much :<
    • still I’m generally not sure, am cautious and keep them at an arm’s distance because I don’t want anyone (me or them) catching deep feelings and I don’t feel ready for relationships in general anyway
      • I’m open to the possibility in the future, if that happens at all
      • all the same I need to deal with and enjoy my own life and myself first before considering the commitment, connection, needs and responsibility of another person
    • I don’t know if I’m navigating all this well and please note that I’m not “right” about at this!
    • What I do know is that men can be good friends and casual friends because I do have a few! Still there’s a lot of heavy social/societal conditioning (especially for men it seems) that you can’t platonically be friends and emotionally intimate/close with people of the gender/people you’re attracted to :<
    • lots of reflection here whoa!

Thanks so much for reading!

Another busy week ahead; at least it’s not as stressful for me. Also I just finished up recording, transcribing, editing, uploading this month’s podcast over the weekend so look out for it soon! Phew!

It’s another Monday so I hope it goes well and that you stay safe this week! (:

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