[Oct#2] Dresses, Inktober, doodles & libraries

** This post is a 16 minute read! **

In this blog post:

  • “It’s just a photo” illustration
  • Dress references I used from NGV
  • Inktober 2019 / Leonie’s Sketchbook
  • Lady Sibell Mary Lumley illustrated study & doodle
  • I went to the State Library Victoria!! 😀 World of Book exhibition photos
  • To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before Lara Jean doodle
  • Personal update & on self worth

“You don’t have to be so tense! It’s just a photo!”

Then you stare into the camera lens, contorting yourself into something resembling an expression and pose until it’s over :’) Yeah that’s how I think about getting your photo taken sometimes. I’m not comfortable so I pretend I am. Then “a more confident version” of myself kicks in.

A couple wearing matching dresses! Obviously their hairstyles aren’t of the times – I’m just experimenting and flailing with art ;D I got frustrated doing this illustration a lot :<

Leonie flails at art I guess ;D

Dress 1880 from England of silk & plastic buttons

Based my illustration on this dress from my NGVInternational photos. I don’t fully understand how this dress works as I can’t get a proper look at the back and I’m no costume/fashion historian. I wish I could seeee the back but there’s walls in the way :<

It’s fancy, intricately made and looks pretty restrictive when it comes to movement! I could be wrong though :0

Inktober 2019 / Leonie’s Sketchbook

So here’s some inktober pieces I posted on social media in the past two weeks for prosperity!

#04 Marceline!🐈

Yes another little sneaky giftart for Lauren scheduled on her real birthday because I did feel like it ;D 🍰🎉

#05 Time for some heroic deeds!! 🐴🎉

Tah dah dah daaaah!!

Yeah I don’t think I have much extra commentary, I just really love this cute horse ;D I’m not a horse person but she’s still so proud and majestic.

#06 Strut your stuff! 🐴✨

Something I have much learn – being comfortable, stylish and happy with what I’m wearing and how I move in the outside world. I’m clumsy and awkward after all :’)

Also I’m a hermit so I’m not used to planning and dressing up to go out on a regular basis. Ahhh D:

#07 Doing my best 💦

Sometimes even a little is good enough progress! And if I need to sleep in longer because my body is too exhausted, then I shall ;D

This is me when I’m too heavy and tired to exercise early in the morning. I’ve been testing different wake up times because my body keeps sleeping late. But people in my household mess up my morning routine D:

#08 Why? Because it’s all mine 🎀

Yes I got my fill and I finally played this little charming, evil game ;D Congrats on their AGDA awards too ^o^ 🎉

That said, eventually I got tired of the extra goose chore list in the end and it became tiresome to go out of my way to be a jerk. It became a game of distrust, going against the grain and everyone seems against you. It felt lonely and empty to be this way as you seek for attention, steal things and trying to do your own human-like things. I’m definitely overthinking it and perhaps I’m tired, lonely and goosed out ;P

It’s not lasting fun for me to be horrible to other people. I super appreciate how great this game is though! It’s clever, charming and entertaining but probably not something I found funny. I saw it more as a puzzle to solve and “let me do what I want” and “I stole it so that’s mine now!” attitude to the hoomins. Looking at all the memes and people calling for a sequel already, I feel alone in thinking that goose game doesn’t need a sequel. So it’s probably just me. Maybe it’s because I have enough negativity in my own life already and I’m seeking more wholesome goodness in games ;P

It’s cool if they do it in a cute and refreshing way with some other creature though! But the charm for me comes from the small village as a sandbox setting :0

All the sass though! I repurposed an old goose doodle I had into fanart ;D Shhh

#09 I just exist here O^O

My lil ghost ferret :’) When you feel ignored but you resign yourself to that and embrace it. Just appreciating yourself as you are and cherishing people who you can trust and rely on.

That and I often zone out with a blank, tired, lost and bored looking face when overwhelmed around people so I might as well be a sad ghost too ;D

Upon deeper reflection, it leads into how I feel like I need to be doing something “useful” just to be of value while existence alone isn’t. I have to often swat those silly feelings away as a family member keeps undermining all this and makes me feel worthless, irritated, defensive and tense. Exasperating is one way to call it.

And don’t get me started on social media since everyone are in their own bubbles and friendship circles too while I exist, usually overwhelmed & lurking past posts of mostly people I don’t know so well :’)

#10 Prim & proper

No one shall ever know how boring & low energy I am! Mwahah 🤣I hope peeps are liking my little inktober character designs so far 💙

I wish I had stylish hair; to lazy to cut my own hair at the moment :<

#11 Please! Please!!

(Please love me 🐤)

It’s tricky for me to read what you really need & if I feel able to give it so please be clear, kind and patient with me 💗

People in your life and from the internet compete for your attention :0 And you don’t have the spoons to handle everything. I’m a socially slow turtle too! A few may get too creepy, intense, overwhelming and uncomfortable so you state your boundaries without giving too many excuses. Most just move on and won’t reach out again.

And there’s times when you reach out to someone to care, respond and acknowledge you but it consistently doesn’t happen for one reason or another. At the very least you know they’re not interested in actually being in your life and you can move onto other things, give everyone space and focus on the people who can be there for you :’)

There’s no easy answer here! I just trust that I will manage things the best I can, that my mixed feelings are normal and to not take things too personally – it’s hard though because I am a hermit haha

Ultimately you can only rely on yourself with self love that works for you. I mostly go with this since I have few close friendships :<

#12 Feed me!! Wahhh! 😋

When you can’t do anything because you’re too hungry! Food!! :0

I feel this sometimes as I often fast and have two meals a day. I miss breakfast foods :’) And I usually eat the same meals daily so it doesn’t help when people talk about eating out. Stop making me hungry!! :<

I ask my brother to buy me a little cheap breakfast once a week as a treat :0

#13 Y U No talk?

Because I don’t wanna 💦

*ashamed, I awkwardly look around for better answers*

Some people have so much to say that I find them intimidating and I don’t have anything relevant to say :0 I’d rather learn and listen. SuperListenMode ;D

#14 Morning Walk ☀️

All the cute little birds! Get off your butt! Don’t sit all day!

Yes I’m reminding myself 😛 Something I need to do more of, getting off my butt :’) Though if you actually had some super intense work days then please take care & rest up 💤

#15 Height

Neck strain really. As a short person, I end up looking in front of me because my neck is tired :’) I’m sure tall peeps don’t have it any easier either :<

#16 Let it out 🗯️

Feeling stuck? Aaaaaaaaaaah!!

Well it felt good for me when things get out of control & overwhelming :’)

Sometimes it feels good releasing your pain, irritation and agony this way. Better than bottling it in, stressing out and getting all tense about it.

#17 Zoning out

What I look like when I’m outside & overwhelmed.

I quietly stare holes into dimensions and into the depths of the earth :0

If I look like I’m living an empty, deadpan existence, it probably means I need a power nap or time to chill & recover. And that’s often, thanks to my low energy :’) My brain goes all slow with fatigue and I become more boring and quiet than usual.

And sometimes, I just need to go home but I can’t say so because I rarely go out anyway so I try to survive longer :’)

#18 Oh No

I’m feeling existential. *stares into space about why I even make art*

When you realise your brain drifted off and you weren’t listening anymore. When you realise you said the wrong thing without thinking. When you don’t know why you keep going.

But you gotta anyway.

#19 Party Birds 🎈🎉

Small, quiet and cosy party ;D

#20 Unrequited 💔

Rejection is a normal part of life after all :’) It calls for kindness, understanding and giving time & space.

I mean I didn’t feel great when someone asked me again to meet up and I turned it down again because I felt super uncomfortable, disinterested and creeped out by them in the past & in this request :< Maybe I shouldn’t have responded as I don’t think I was clear about how creeped out I am with my “I want to be left alone” .___.

Hey sometimes people don’t respond to me (they are too busy, not interested and/or don’t want to catch up). It definitely hurts in the case that they’re not interested but it’s better to know, just accept your mixed feelings and eventually move on :’)

Both sides are uncomfortable. Though one side arguably hurts much, much more. I’m more wary, wiser and don’t have crushes anymore since I’m mostly a silly, sensitive homebody anyway ;P

#21 Oh I’m not alone

Whoops you peeped at my stuff. How embarrassing 😳

Since it’s so hard to even get on people’s feeds & keep updated with people I just assume that if there’s no confirmed interaction, you didn’t see it. Because I know lots of followers and acquaintances who don’t even see my posts for years, have no idea about what I was posting and that’s the norm for everybody :0

Part of the reason I cleaned out a lot of my follows a few years ago is because I knew that they weren’t really keeping tabs on me or interacting and I wasn’t either. It felt pointless trying to collect people like they were numbers or “friends” and I became super wary, insecure and jaded as I wanted something deeper but it doesn’t happen that way. That or I was super creeped out or disinterested with them but don’t know how to deal with it. Mutual interest wasn’t really there and I had to keep accepting it.

Now I’m focused on people I do want to keep tabs on and I’ll follow and unfollow as we all grow and change as people & interest levels ;P I’ll keep striving to be better and not take things too personally.

Consequently I forget that a few people actually read my blog :’)

I’m super humbled and happy that people I do know actually do keep up to date with my posts ;___; thank youuu! I do notice who you are <3

#22 Buuurp!!!

I’m a germaphobe so it’s time for to wash my face now D:

I get super careful with getting germs on my mouth and hands – that’s how they spread!! :<

#23 💬

I shall just disappear from this conversation now :’)

When neither has anything to say, things in common nor want to be around each other. It feels forced and uncomfortable :S

#24 I’m here for you 💙

Sometimes all you need to do is just keep somebody company (:

At least that’s what I do because I am not great at pep talk :<

Still I can’t really say that I have a bunch of great, close friends to be there for each other, share things, depend on each other, see the best/worst of each other, consistently updated with each other, talk about life struggles to have this situation happen :< I’m too much of a solitary homebody. I do have a good brother though, he’s the best!

For facebook page peeps: I won’t post further inktober stuff at the page! From here I’ll go back to the usual fortnightly blog updates & blog snippets! I’ll collate inktober pieces so far there too! This is so that it’s less spammy for you & I don’t have to check the little facebook page as much ;D Things don’t do too well on facebook pages anyway :’)

I’ll stop posting all of them on twitter too since people are losing interest :0 It’s simply slowed down two weeks in :<

If you’re keen, catch them as more come out on instagram or collated later in a blog update here! This better represents where I’m more active (twitter & instagram). Thanks for understanding & see you around! ✨

#25 Groomed and ready 🐦✨

I’m a fan of preparing beforehand and then when I’m outside, I don’t have to worry about things falling apart D: I’m probably being too optimistic though ;P

Lady Sibell Mary Lumley illustrated study

I don’t like how this came out but hey, I’m posting progress here :’)

Lady Sibell Mary Lumley, Countess Grosvenor 1874 (by French sculptor Jules Dalou)

Earthenware! Masterfully made sculpture. This is my reference!

“I’m not tired or sick, it’s okay.”

When you have permanent eye bags, you roll with it ;P I think I’m in the “I hate everything I create” phase this year. I’m super conflicted with my progress but I’m keen to keep learning and evolving! :'(

Ughhh I’m trying to manage these silly feelings :<

I went to the Library!! 😀

I haven’t explored the State Victoria Library before so I took the chance when I needed something short and free to do while I was actually out in the city for once. As a stingy, poor butt, there’s not many things to do as most activities cost money. Hey even going to/from the city costs money :’) I think I don’t have anything left I want to do that’s free – most things require money :<

The library is huge and when I walked into the first quiet area (Redmond Barry Reading Room) with computer pods, there was a very angry lady with blonde, shoulder length hair, shouting across her computer and pointing her finger at someone for a quite a while. I could not tell what she was saying because she was purely swearing and raging so I was pretty much confused as I was walking through to the next area. Everyone in the room were quietly watching in surprise/shock while another lady was telling the security gentleman at the entrance about it. On the way out, I didn’t see the angry lady anymore. So that was an impression!

Some photos from this World of the Book Exhibition last month

I looked through the Cowen Gallery and Peter Wille: Out driving exhibitions, walked around the whole LaTrobe Reading Room in the dome and then visited the World of Book Exhibition as you can see from the photos below. I missed the other levels as I didn’t know where else to go and I was feeling out of it :<

I don’t think I’ll go there again without good reason but enjoy some snappity snaps below!

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before Lara Jean doodle

I saw this film ages ago when I did have Netflix and it was a sweet, silly, cheesy, predictable teen romcom with some good family bonding moments too. I could never be so brave to even write letters to crushes and related to moments where she just shuts, excludes and deems herself invisible. I appreciated how most letters don’t work out. Still everything else in the movie is “too good to be true” fluffy, warm fuzzy stuff to me :’)

Sayonara Wild Hearts fanart 🎵💜

It’s not something I would play because it kills my eyes but the soundtrack, effects and visuals are striking, interwoven with itself and wonderful. It has a wholesome, symbolic, vague healing from heartbreak kind of story with some concepts executed super well and other levels feeling repetitive (there’s a lot of heartbreak going on!)

I wished it wasn’t so vague and ambiguous (just my opinion I know) – there’s so many symbolic things and themes that went over my head. Who are these people?! Why is this the way to heal from heartbreak? That or there’s less story than it seems to the eye :<

Super incredible soundtrack! <3

Personal update & ramble so far

Since my last blog post on MIGW

Goodness I wasn’t expecting much people to read my last blog post, but probably a small handful did? Especially since it’s Games Week and gamedev peeps in particular are too busy during that week thanks to work, events and meetings. I don’t know for sure as views doesn’t necessarily equate to readership. I’m just super grateful a few people understood my silly mixed feelings and that I’m not really saying MIGW is bad – it’s all for gamedevs while I’m not fully invested into that world! Thank you so much for the few kind ninja supportive words and likes <3

Also it felt surprising great to miss out and just enjoy bits about MIGW from my twitter feed. It seems like it’s the best Games Week with the most wholesome “high school” belonging feeling some people have ever had while I’m just so glad I didn’t go!! I don’t even fit in at high school ;D

I’m still currently so burnt out and feeling left behind with life and the industry anyway. Simply glad I don’t have to burn myself out and drain my limited energy, struggle to network with crowds of GCAP, PAXAus and other shenanigans.

I won’t go to GCAP, PAXAus or large MIGW events but I’ve got to arrange catch ups outside of it next year! That said, most people aren’t interested or vice versa me with them. May reconsider games for change lunch next year just for the catch up time after the event so I’ll just play it by ear. Mutually interested friends, let me know a few weeks in advance to plan and quietly catch up in another way or time :0

Not equating your whole self worth with your profession and dreams – the freelance life thus far

Here’s the link to the video here for more context. When this came across my feed, I felt like I need to reflect upon it. I definitely have felt plenty of times too (as with any freelancer) where I feel the darkness and walls coming in whenever I’m not doing any work and in that horrible scarcity mindset. It happens at least every other day. I do feel like I’m no one without a project to my name in a given present moment. Feeling like I’m nothing is not a healthy mindset to have and it is what it is.

And then feeling like my art is terrible because getting any consistent, good professional work is difficult and competitive in general. And feeling that any previous experience I have had was just luck. I don’t like the term imposter syndrome but there’s no better way to describe some of it.

As for me, I am changing gears into character design & illustration but it feels like I’m starting from zero again as I feel less and less relevant and fading away from the gaming industry and I don’t really have an emotional connection to any other industry right now. One day I hope to grow into somewhere I feel I can fully belong and thrive just like the many happy, inspiring and hardworking gamedev peeps I see on my twitter feed – I just need to keep learning and experiment :’)

I do feel like the main kind of value I can give to others is through my art as I’m terrible, ignorant or at best average at everything else. I’m not good at social crowds and events, I need people to tell me what to do if they need help/if I’m stepping boundaries and my life experience & skills are limited. I’m still working out my own sense of love, connection and joy in my own life. Still I am glad I can help out with some of the chores at home and zen out – so that’s something :’)

Goodness I don’t know how people bravely juggle the unstability of freelance and life – this constant state of worry you have to manage! Seeing people who also struggle to varying degrees keeps things in a healthier perspective for me too. I can’t even imagine being in charge of a team as I’ll probably lose all of my hair through anxiety D: I just want to help out with my abilities and then turn back into a sleepy bear when I’m depleted :<

I do like the idea of just saying what you do rather than calling yourself as the profession – just like how I’m happy to say I do character designs and illustrations but I’m not keen to compete as “one of the best character designers or character concept artists” out there, in order to make it sustainable for a living. I don’t need that paralysing stress and self imposed expectations right now and I’m not interested in dominating in anything. That’s all too exhausting, neverending and overwhelming. I’m not emotionally ready to proclaim such things even though potential employers have the mentality that “either you’re industry standard or you’re not” and want to assign a label to you. Feeling like you have to prove yourself competent will never go away :’)

I don’t have the “”ultimate thing I want to make”” dream goal either. Been thinking a lot about this as I see many inspiring people with great dreams and projects. I don’t have such a specific focus as much as I would love one. For me I just want to keep learning and growing at making art and as a person. I don’t know if that counts as “passion” but it’s something :0 Seeing all these super energetic, dedicated, hardworking and inspiring artists out there overwhelm me as I struggle to find my own fulfilling way of being D:

I know that being good at art will be a life long learning journey but to actually make it a living without burning and stressing yourself out? I don’t know how right now and what I should compromise. Part of it is me, myself because I can be my own obstacle. And lot of it is who you know, luck, how you can help others with your skills and how well you work with others :0 It’s terrifying and disheartening as you keep trying different things with many failures.

I guess I’ll focus on what I can control :’)

Slowly embracing my interest for musicals

Before I was even aware that Summerfall’s Chorus was a thing from PAXAus, since July or August or something I’ve been watching and indulging myself with musical stuff and watching Disney musical clips and songs the sad, poor hermit way :’) So I’m super thrilled there’s a musical adventure game!! Support it if that’s your thing!

Thus far I’ve watched these musicals & some I’ve enjoyed many times: Wicked, Legally Blonde, Phantom of the Opera, Into the Woods, Hadestown, Heathers, Falsetto bits, AvenueQ, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songs (not the show yet), few song bits of Miss Saigon and hoping to watch more. Open to recommendations, even if it’s just to read the summary because I can’t afford to attend actual musicals :0

And I finally finished Link’s Awakening last week; super wonderful and cute game <3 Watching lots of streams and of horror themed games due to Spooktober too :0 It’s mostly been a quiet month so far as I focus on work & personal art. And sometimes lurking my twitter/instagram feeds during breaks. Not fully sure/at peace with where I am and fighting the feeling that I’m a failure while taking things a step at a time.

Thank you for bearing with me as I ramble/rant about these mental battles with my self doubt in my posts! I do feel better expressing these feelings here as I feel a bit less lonely and isolated somehow. Thank you :’) <3

Anyhoo, need to get back to doing my freelance contract that ends in two weeks. Thanks for reading & see you next time (when I’m unemployed again ahoy ;D)! ★

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