SuperListenMode: socially oblivious & awkward

I’m selective because trying my best to learn about every individual I meet can leave me too emotionally exhausted and burnt out to care anymore :’)

I am learning to let go yearning to be like other people when I’m around them. As I end up alienating myself and others. Embrace my awkwardness. And celebrate my own differences and needs better, as I figure them out along the way and grow.

So generally I’m pretty reserved. Probably cuts me out from many potential bonding moments with kind company because I’m too aloof, tense, tired and socially overloaded 🙁

Gosh so much emotional labour, trying to figure out what people think and feel between the lines and in their actions. I tend to judge by the consistency of their actions and my gut feeling mostly instead.

If there’s no big picture for me, I have have trouble figuring how to provide value or know what people explicitly want from me. Most people aren’t direct with what they want and why as they’re figuring it out or assuming that you know already. But I don’t really know, for sure haha

Being intuitive in the moment on how other people’s minds are feeling/thinking is a weakness of mine. I don’t know how to deal with others’ deep personal emotions aside from listening. It comes naturally to most socially-inclined people. But it’s social and emotional overload for me as I’m already too busy being in my own mind, let alone worry about someone else’s inner thoughts and feelings in the moment.

That’s why I listen, observe and am quiet. I need time to think, reflect and process things. Sometimes I question you to see how strong your stance is from a place of curiosity because I’m considering it and am open to more perspectives and being corrected. Sometimes I overthink on what you might be thinking/feeling in your shoes afterwards if I feel like I was misunderstood by you or I misunderstood something.

A lot of common sense is hard earned, deducted and learnt. Or guesswork. I’m not smart at all but I’m just drawn to intelligent and kind people. If I’m interested and intrigued, I ask silly, “obvious” and curious questions like a kid. ;P I use clarifying questions to get people to spell out what they mean if needed. Every individual is different and full of thoughts, experiences, skills and perspectives after all. I try to spell out my assumptions to keep myself open to being corrected.

If they seem consistently distant and annoyed, ghost me, ignore me, go hot and cold, expect me to get their “hints”, seem friendly but then don’t really act upon it – I won’t fully get it at the time [due to benefit of the doubt and being socially oblivious]. And it’s super frustrating and feels disrespectful on my end. Eventually I get the message and shut them out of my inner social circle and world if possible. ;P Their message is clear and that we’ve got no time for each other anymore.

I’m no good at reading others’ subtlety. Apparently I hide my feelings super well with my deadpan face too. I do say what I mean if directly asked but I’m not great at subtlety and tact sometimes. Sometimes I talk too much so I strive to stop myself if I’m boring the other person.

I also need to be conscious at being positive, appreciative and encouraging rather than just being blunt, quiet or going with the flow too much. And share my ideas as I’m just forming them when I’m in a team situation. I am not good at expressing my feelings into words on the spot either!

I understand most people won’t be compatible as friends or as a date plus I’m not bold or experienced in these two areas! I’m too involved and interested in my own little world, doing my own thing. So I’m afraid to expect anything.

If all this gets really overwhelming, confusing and bad, I shut everything out and retreat to my dark, quiet, solitary cave to recover. Other times, I go to a trusted friend to ramble about my feelings.

Apparently I need to listen to my body’s needs for retreating and resting and let go of the “should be”s better. Leave early at a social thing. Not worry if I’m declining things 80 to 90% of the time. Reach out and arrange 1 to 1 catch ups when I’m feeling brave.

I strive to be friendly while other times I run out of steam and go quiet, distant and zone out. Ahhh!!

Being a human is hard.

Being a relaxed, content, lazy blob is easier haha.

Finding peeps you can be a silly, quiet blob with is rare. :’)

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