SuperListenMode 284: Managing feelings since last year’s MIGW
SuperListenMode: Managing feelings since last year’s MIGW
Been trying to do my best to enjoy & survive MIGW despite not doing so great mentally, socially, creatively [especially since last year’s MIGW]. Also have been recovering from crunch months ago and feeling socially overwhelmed!
Then some resolved feelings of hurt and rejection happened & hit me on the first day of GCAP. I wanted to go home but pretended I was okay and delayed it to deal with the helpless heart ache later. Spending time with lovely, cool people helped a lot keeping my mind busy and see the bigger picture.
I didn’t even have a group or a conference buddy I can stick with for too long as everyone had plans [I did too]. I felt okay being lost this year. I’ve been playing it by ear, sometimes and somehow found people I can hang with for various periods of time and it was comforting to know that I’ll be home by the evening for some recovery time. And sit with my mixed thoughts in solitude a bit.
Maybe people sensed something was wrong but their fleeting company helped and kept me from overthinking and feeling isolated, sad and lonely. That’s a big deal for me, especially as someone who’s used to retreating back into her own solitary, lonely bubble when she’s struggling, heartbroken and feeling down. Thanks kind peeps for checking on me…just surviving and pushing through :’)
Had a good cry that night to let a lot of it out.
I was reminded by a kind friend that if bonding/anything happens, it’ll be easy and you won’t second guess about the relationship/friendship.
It hurts but so true.
Letting go of what you wished you had is hard.
Letting go of worries…since they’re unhelpful. Thoughts out of fear.
Not taking things personally and seriously is hard too.
All of which takes a lot of time for me.
Focus on what is under my control, within the present and take responsibility for my selfish, survival-focused lizard brain thoughts and personal issues. Let thoughts be thoughts and not a reflection of me. It’s super hard but I’m getting better with self control and sitting with my messy, negative, worst case scenario thoughts and nitpicking everything.
MIGW this year became something I kept myself busy with.
Super glad I didn’t immediately give up and go home.
Thank you so much again some of you for the greetings, company, hugs & 1 to 1 chats with me while I was lost, wandering between conversations & talks (:
It was very sweet and heart warming when a few peeps came up to me to say they liked my work too. Perhaps I hide my feelings well but it helped a lot <3
And then I got sick on Wednesday/Thursday?
Skipped PAXAus.
Felt like death and got a fever on Friday – could barely talk.
Thought I could get away from being sick this year for once but nope! Ah well, it’ll boost my immune system ;P Took it as an opportunity to take an early MIGW break, allow myself to be sick and miserable and eased myself back to work when I felt functional. Back to learning and struggling with UI art with the help of the kind, patient Mighty team :’)
Still fatigued and coughing a lot but slowly getting better now.
Plans?
Getting that MIGW art done and spacing it all out. Then an actual break away from art and do recreational and life things. When ready, I’ll go back to figuring out how to do better creatively! Learn things!
Meet up 1 to 1 with people I trust and talk about feelings!
I’ll keep working through this ongoing rut and manage these scary, mild, sad feelings. Yes I’m mildly sad, tired and neutral at the moment.
I do fantasize retreating away from the world and hiding for another year! But realistically I’ll return back to my safety bubble, take breaks and tone down social media usage again since MIGW is over ;D